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The New MMA: Muppet Mania is Awesome
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In honor of today being what would've been Jim Henson's 75th birthday I thought I'd post some ideas for the upcoming guest host gig the Muppets will have on RAW. Who knows, maybe people who don't read message boards might pilfer some, right? First of all, the WWE Writer Monkeys need to leave the majority of the writing to the people in charge of the Muppets. Perhaps some suggestions on whom to best interact with the characters and some quality control in terms of continuity and logic and storylines (I know [i]that's [/i]asking a lot of the Monkeys), but other than that, let the Muppets do their thing. Second, there are so many possibilities and potential for brilliant entertainment, that there's no reason not to make this a 3-hour super show. Now onto the fun: * OK, we must begin with the ultimate Muppet superstar, in part because if I don't, I might get karate chopped. Miss Piggy has been the Ultimate Diva since before any of the current WWE Divas were even born. And she simply [i]has [/i]to karate chop somebody for making perceived overtures towards her Kermie. The obvious choice here would be Vickie Guerrero, getting all cougar-y, perhaps when Intrepid Muppet News Reporter Kermit The Frog interviews Dolph Ziggler. HIIIIIIIII-YAAAAAA! Dolph might even hit a line about how Miss Piggy's got a better right hand than Hugh Jackman. * Another possibility for Miss Piggy would be for Stephanie McMahon to make her an Honorary WWE Diva. Miss Piggy could take it as a dream come true, or better yet, bristle at the word "honorary" by pointing out, as I just did, that "Moi has been a diva since before you and many of the other so-called divas were even born!" and demand that she be referred to as the Ultimate WWE Diva. Steph could initially refuse, but relent when Miss Piggy throws a complete tantrum and starts karate chopping everything in sight. * Speaking of the Divas, it'd be real easy and funny to have Animal chasing a bunch of them around the backstage area as a running gag throughout the show. Perhaps even changing from one Diva to another as he passes them in the halls, liking each new one more than he did the previous one. He could make faces at the camera and hit a couple one-liners... or in his case one-worders, like "Mmmmm... Twins" for the Bellas or "Kelly-Kelly-Kelly-Kelly-Kelly" or "Glamazon" or even some general ones like "Puppies" or "Hot Pants" or "Cleavage." * If it develops where one of the Divas has gotten easily offended about being called a "ho" then you might be able to have fun with Kermit saying "Hi-ho!" This could lead to said Diva smacking Kermit, which would lead to another karate chop from Miss Piggy defending her man... er, frog. * The Swedish Chef has to do a cooking segment. Let me repeat this. The Swedish Chef [b][i]has to do a cooking segment.[/b][/i] You can go two ways with this. Either get someone who speaks English as poorly as Chef or get someone who speaks it really, really well. My vote is for Sheamus. Chef could make something very white and pasty or perhaps something with a lot of mayonnaise or milk or maybe just pull a chicken out of the oven that is undercooked and has a tuft of red hair on top. Sheamus could feign outrage and (not so) playfully choke him and the reaction would be great. I also think if you brought Vladimir Kozlov in for one night to team with Sheamus for this scene the hilarity could grow exponentially. * I think Zack Ryder and Fozzie Bear are a natural pair. Both make semi-lame jokes, both have a terrible sense of style, both are underappreciated. C'mon, you know you want to see and hear dueling waka-waka-waka and woo-woo-woo chants. * Gonzo and Daniel Bryan might be good together. They could go back to Bryan using his Flight Of The Valkyries music to introduce Gonzo doing some stunt that goes incredibly wrong. * John Morrison's character [i]should [/i]work well with Floyd Pepper and Janice (the bass player and the female guitarist from Dr. Teeth & The Electric Mayhem) considering they're all supposed to be "groovy cats" from the Peace & Love movement, but I'm not so sure John has the chops for it. Maybe if they just sat around sharing the deep thoughts they're pondering in a locker room with beads on the door and a lava lamp and a hazy aura that kids wouldn't know is recently smoked weed. That might work. * Rowlf The Dog, one of my personal faves, could write an "impromptu" song with Awesome Truth about conspiracies. I'm thinking old-fashioned blues, like "I Got The [b]Con[/b]founding, [b]Con[/b]troversial [b]Con[/b]spiracy Blues." You could gradually bring back some members of The Electric Mayhem band during the process and have a real jam session. Seeing Miz get super-into the music and dance around the piano could be gold. This would also give Ron Simmons the opportunity to walk in and give his obligatory "Damn" commentary upon seeing the spectacle. * The encounter with Rowlf could be preceded by Miz and R-Truth having trouble getting in the arena because Pops didn't know who they were and wouldn't let them in. (Pops was the doorman who never knew who the guest stars on The Muppet Show were.) * I hesitate giving Johnny Ace anything of substance, but I think some interactions with Sam The Eagle might be right up his alley. If both are looking to provide "good, wholesome entertainment" by turning off microphones and what not, who better than the self-appointed censor of the Muppets to try and help Ace put a stop to the shenanigans in the WWE? * If Ace isn't up to it, the next logical choice for Sam The Eagle would be William Regal. They could discuss various distasteful forms of besmirchment to the point where I might fall off the couch laughing. Another alternative might be Christian, whose thoughts about not getting ONE MORE MATCH Sam could echo as a horrible, horrible thing. * Gorgon Heap, the Muppet who eats other Muppets, should swallow somebody whole. Oh, wait, I've got the PERFECT guy. Michael Cole!!!! Oh, that would be awesome. And the next show's exchange with Jerry Lawler could be priceless! JL: "Didn't that monster eat you last week?" MC: "Yes, don't remind me." JL: "Well, then how the hell are you back here this week?" MC: "It's not something I want to talk about." JL: "Yeah, I bet you don't! Must've been a brown eye-opening experience for you." MC: "Oh, that's REEEEAL funny. Real mature, Lawler." Booker T (*chuckling*): "King, tell me you did not just say that, dawg!!?!" * Pigs In Space might be funny if they beamed in someone like Khali or Big Show and they thought it was the most hideous alien ever and was going to destroy them... and then the guy got offended at the comment and proceeded to do just that. * We obviously need to have a Muppet News Flash that is interrupted by a backstage brawl that results in the entire set crashing down on the anchor. * OK, time for some major players. CM Punk, the cynical bastard that he is, should spend the entire evening in the box with Statler and Waldorf, and the three of them could badmouth everything they see for the entire show. High-freakin'-sterical. * I think Rock (who should be back by then, right?) could have fun with Scooter. The go-fer of the Muppets could be Rock's go-fer for the night by being Rock's biggest fan who wants to do various things to impress him. He would screw things up more often than not, despite trying his damnedest, and could be someone Rock could easily intimidate for a while. Skeeter could then encourage Scooter to stand up to Rock's abuse which could lead to a touching moment or an outrageously rude moment, depending on if Rock is being heelish or not. * Dr. Bunsen Honeydew and Beaker should cook up something to help COO Triple H be able to better dissect the various machinations that are afoot and threaten to undermine his office. This will require them bringing the mobile lab to HHH's office to explain how they came up with the concoction, and will, of course, necessitate the office getting somehow set on fire and/or exploding. A charred and infuriated HHH with a ruined suit would be a hysterical comedic shot. Perhaps it might even be done after a night of things going horribly wrong for HHH and this just would be the Diarrhea Icing on the proverbial Turd Cake. * Some things that could lead to HHH's aforementioned frustration would be Lew Zealand constantly trying to break into WWE with his boomerang fish act and other fish-related performances, Gonzo failing to control his chickens and letting them run amok backstage, and Scooter spilling coffee on him as he tries to hurriedly impress The Rock. * I think Lew Zealand's shenanigans could be stopped if his fish-throwing accidentally struck Randy Orton. And Orton went all viper-y and stare-downy. I don't know, just the thought of Randy Orton being hit by flying fish seems funny to me. * I've got three wrestlers and two Muppets, but I'm torn as to whom to pair with whom. The wrestlers are Alberto Del Rio, Wade Barrett, and Santino Marella. The Muppets are Rizzo The Rat and Pepino Rodrigo Serrano Gonzales, better known as Pepe The King Prawn. All five can be great jokesters (I think ADR's really funny, but he's still struggling with thinking in English, translating his funny Spanish thoughts to English in his brain and getting them out in a timely fashion... I have the same trouble trying to think in Spanish even though I can speak it decently). I think the interactions between any combination could be gold. Alberto could dismiss both of them initially as a "sucio camaron" or a "rata peligrosa", but then warm up to them when they make certain underhanded suggestions. Similar type deal for Wade Barrett, although I think Rizzo might work better for him than Pepe. Santino could just engage in comedic brilliance with either one. Pepe could be more sexual innuendo and help Santino with Tamina. Rizzo could help fire up Santino to try and impress HHH as a true WWE Superstar, perhaps by taunting Mark Henry. This would naturally result in Santino's thunderously destructive demise and Henry could do a mock trombone salute afterwards and earn some real solid character points. However you want to go, I think any of these combos could be entertaining. * I know, I know, John Cena. Here's the thing... I think Cena could be so damn good on this night, he could work with anybody. He obviously has to do something with Kermit, since they're the biggest stars of their respective brands, but I honestly believe that you could put Cena in ANY of the above scenarios as either a replacement for one of the wrestlers or a bit character that adds to the scene and he would be absolutely perfect. In fact, that may be his best role... interacting with everyMuppet and anyMuppet and just nailing joke after joke the entire night and ragging on other wrestlers. For example, I can see him bumping into Animal and asking him where he's going in such a hurry and Animal points and yells, "TWINS!!!" And Cena says, "Oh, you mean the Bella Twins... carry on." And he lets Animal go run after them. Then Beaker could run by and a disheveled HHH slams into Cena and John asks, "Hey boss, where's the fire?" HHH could just turn around in his tattered suit and smoke-smudged countenance and glare a death stare at him before resuming his chase of Beaker. Cena could interrupt and/or join in on Punk's musings with Waldorf and Statler and the arena might literally explode with laughter. He could be a part of The Swedish Chef cooking segment, perhaps translating what Chef is saying into English or easing the tension between Chef and Sheamus, or he could be walking with Ron Simmons for his "Damn" commentary on the jam session and set Ron up with something like, "I think this can be summed in one word........ Ron?" And Ron could literally take 20 seconds turning his head to John and back to the proceedings and still hit his line. Bottom line, if Cena does this right, and no sense to think that he wouldn't, he might become a hit with everyone, even those who are tired of his shtick. The key to this whole thing is for WWE to use this opportunity to not take itself too seriously. I mean, if you have a stick up your butt for the Muppets episode, your problems run a lot deeper than Wellness Policies, declining ratings, and PPV buyrates. And trust me, WWE... if you think bad booking decisions outrage some of us message boarders, who really care about your product, to the point where we threaten not to watch again don't matter 'cause you know we'll always come back, just try and fuck this one up and see what happens. OK, I think that about does it. Unless you guys think I've forgotten somebody. Time to watch my Gators whip some pussies. What? They're playing Kentucky. Oh, you people are [i]filthy.[/i] [Edited on 9-25-2011 by Dominator]
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