merc
Man of a Thousand Holds 
Posts 1514
Registered 2-23-2006 Location New England Member Is Offline Mood: GO PATS!!!
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| posted on 7-11-2016 at 11:42 PM |
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OO best (worst?) Joke thread
Ok folks, time to get some good material. Let's hear (read) your best stuff. I know we've got some erh...aha... experimental stand
uppers and overall funny people. Leave your GIFs, memes at the door please. (Yes you). And make us laugh out loud.
The floor is open
"I wish sarcasm was available as a font." John Stuart Mill
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Paddlefoot
Rocco Rock of Jabroni
Posts 7332
Registered 1-19-2008 Location Stupid Idiot Section Member Is Offline Mood: ChinceMcMahon
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| posted on 7-11-2016 at 11:47 PM |
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EXTREME TASTELESSNESS WARNING! (plus incoming gif)
Courtesy of the household junior high graduate (rotten kidz these days):
q: how many Jews can you fit in a car?
a: two in the front, three in the back, and six million in the ashtrays.
Hey, the thread opening never said anything about being classy. 
You know, everyone says it's not supposed to make sense, like that's the whole point, dude. And I'm just saying, you know,
that's like an excuse for lazy storytelling. Just don't sell me shite and tell me it's gold, all right? I might be stoned, but
I'm not high. You know what I mean?
- Cassidy from Preacher, commenting on The Big Lebowski and/or professional wrestling
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janerd75
The Great One 
Posts 3766
Registered 1-28-2013 Member Is Offline Mood: Lantern kick'n
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| posted on 7-12-2016 at 02:24 AM |
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merc, first of all this was a terrible idea. Second, please forgive The Canadian and his reading comprehension skills. You should have made your edict
a bit more broad in scope and perhaps added a bit more u's or eh's if you wanted to get your point across. And C, I can't emphasize
enough how bad of an idea this is. And for that, I love you.  To the awful jokes!
-----------------------------
Q: What did one gay guy say to the other gay guy after a particularly romantic evening?
A: Dude, you were so tight...dude, you were so tight...dude, you were so tight...
------------------------------
Q: Why do Girl Scout cookies taste so good?
A: They haven't menstruated yet.
------------------------------
Q: What kind of party did a Nazi give a pregnant Jewish women?
A: A baby shower.
------------------------------
Q: How do you know a black guy just committed a crime?
A: I just said it was a black guy, what more info do you need?
-----------------------------
Q: Why did the white guy suspect his wife was cheating on him?
A: His son Quadarrius doesn't look anything like him.
-----------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a baby and an overripe tomato?
A: Nothing. They both look the same when I'm finished with them.
-----------------------------
Q: Why was the mom in Alabama upset when her son finished his chores early?
A: He came too fast.
-----------------------------
And for my closer I offer nothing I, as a hate-filled unfunny hack, could come up with in eleventy billion years but is something you all need in your
arsenal if you want to impress chicks or be the life of a Black Panther Party. And now here it is, your moment of Jimmy Carr:
"If only Africa had more mosquito nets, then every year we could save millions of mosquitos from dying needlessly of A.I.D.S."
-----------------------------------
*siiiiigh* If I strayed any further from God's light Steven Hawking could be my proctologist. 
"Well, life's a bitch n' then you marry one. Alls you know now is you're goin' into the bar tonight to get just fuckin'
interplanetary." - Wayne (Letterkenny)
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merc
Man of a Thousand Holds
Posts 1514
Registered 2-23-2006 Location New England Member Is Offline Mood: GO PATS!!!
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| posted on 7-12-2016 at 05:24 AM |
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I see w3 have gone low quickly.... I have a friend who has won a most offensive joke contest several times. I'll hold his in reserve for now.
For now a coup,e of oldies.
Why did the little girl fall off the swing?
She had no arms
.............................................
What do you call a blind deer?
No idea
(Say it out loud)
"..........................................
What do you call a blind legless deer?
Still no idea
"I wish sarcasm was available as a font." John Stuart Mill
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Matte
"Family Man" 
Posts 9547
Registered 12-16-2008 Member Is Offline Mood: #BROKEN
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| posted on 7-12-2016 at 05:39 AM |
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There's several variations of this one out there:
What's the difference between jelly and jam?
I can't jelly my cock down your mom's throat.
"I'm a professional. I know exactly what I'm doing." - Jeff Hardy
The Multiversal MegaTurbo Ultimate Showdown Supreme of the INHUMANS~!
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CCharger
The Great One 
Posts 3492
Registered 7-21-2010 Member Is Offline Mood: Covfefe
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| posted on 7-12-2016 at 02:49 PM |
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Why is Little Johnny crying?
Because someone stapled a frog to his face.
"She was warned. She was given an explanation. Nevertheless, she persisted."
"The powers of the president to protect our country are very substantial and will not be questioned."
--- Stephen Miller, Trump senior White House advisor, Feb. 12, 2017
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merc
Man of a Thousand Holds
Posts 1514
Registered 2-23-2006 Location New England Member Is Offline Mood: GO PATS!!!
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| posted on 7-12-2016 at 03:25 PM |
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I laughed out loud Matte
This guy walks into a bar and says, "Bartender give me six shots of tequila!"
The bartender pours the shots and watches the guy down all six. He says, "Six shots! What's the occasion?"
The guy says, "my very first blowjob!"
The bartender says, "well let me get you another to celebrate"
The guy says, " don't bother, if six doesn't kill the taste a 7th won't help."
ETC spell loud wrong
[Edited on 7-13-2016 by merc]
"I wish sarcasm was available as a font." John Stuart Mill
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OOMike
The Great One
Posts 3665
Registered 1-3-2002 Location Columbus, OH Member Is Offline Mood: same ol same ol
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| posted on 7-12-2016 at 05:14 PM |
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A teenage boy comes into the living room with a big smile, his father notices and asks, "Why the big smile son?" The son replied, "I just had sex
for the first time!" The father beamed and said, "Come sit down and tell me about it." The son shook his head, "I can't my ass is too
sore."
Prejudices are rarely overcome by argument; not being founded in reason they cannot be destroyed by logic � Tryon Edwards
Never let the facts interfere with a good rant.
The only OO columnist that has never written a column.
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williamssl
Steers and Queers
Posts 7655
Registered 1-11-2004 Location Hippieville Member Is Offline Mood: Fuck USC
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| posted on 7-12-2016 at 10:32 PM |
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Why did the pervert cross the road?
Because his dick was stuck in the chicken.
What do you call a man with no arms, no legs, hanging on a wall?
Art!
No, the drummer from Def Leppard.
Note: Doing a whole series of that joke at the top of your lungs at a Def Leppard concert gets you punched in the face. Learn from my experience
and don't try at home. Well , trying at home is fine. Don't try at a Def Leppard concert.
Don't Mess With Texas
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merc
Man of a Thousand Holds
Posts 1514
Registered 2-23-2006 Location New England Member Is Offline Mood: GO PATS!!!
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| posted on 7-13-2016 at 03:17 AM |
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I love those no arms & legs jokes! For those that have missed them:
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
Bob
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a doorway?
Matt
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a hole?
Phil
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves?
Russell
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the trunk of a car?
Jack
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs On a grill?
Frank
What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs On a grill?
Patty
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn't matter it won't come.
"I wish sarcasm was available as a font." John Stuart Mill
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OOMike
The Great One
Posts 3665
Registered 1-3-2002 Location Columbus, OH Member Is Offline Mood: same ol same ol
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| posted on 7-13-2016 at 03:52 AM |
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What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen
What do you say to a one legged hitchhiker?
Hop in
What do you call a woman with no arms or legs at the beach?
Sandy
What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a field?
second base
ETA: What do you do with a dog with no legs?
Take it for a drag
[Edited on 7-13-2016 by OOMike]
Prejudices are rarely overcome by argument; not being founded in reason they cannot be destroyed by logic � Tryon Edwards
Never let the facts interfere with a good rant.
The only OO columnist that has never written a column.
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merc
Man of a Thousand Holds
Posts 1514
Registered 2-23-2006 Location New England Member Is Offline Mood: GO PATS!!!
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| posted on 7-15-2016 at 04:34 AM |
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Know what 6.9 is?
Another good thing screwed up by a period
"I wish sarcasm was available as a font." John Stuart Mill
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Katie Vick killer
The Rowdy One 
Posts 2011
Registered 8-25-2003 Location w/ Randall Member Is Offline Mood: Chin locked
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| posted on 7-15-2016 at 11:31 AM |
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quote:
Originally posted by merc
I see w3 have gone low quickly.... I have a friend who has won a most offensive joke contest several times. I'll hold his in reserve for now.
For now a coup,e of oldies.
Why did the little girl fall off the swing?
She had no arms
.............................................
What do you call a blind deer?
No idea
(Say it out loud)
"..........................................
What do you call a blind legless deer?
Still no idea
What do you call a blind legless deer with no dick?
Still no fucking idea!
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merc
Man of a Thousand Holds
Posts 1514
Registered 2-23-2006 Location New England Member Is Offline Mood: GO PATS!!!
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| posted on 1-18-2017 at 03:58 PM |
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OK I'm thinking some of you need a chuckle or two, so I'm reviving this most excellent thread. I'm too lazy to retype this one.
merc has attached this image:
"I wish sarcasm was available as a font." John Stuart Mill
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BBMN
HAVES A CROOKED DICK!! ! 
Posts 2359
Registered 6-27-2007 Location tumblr Member Is Offline Mood: SJW
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| posted on 1-18-2017 at 04:30 PM |
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BBMN
HAVES A CROOKED DICK!! !
Posts 2359
Registered 6-27-2007 Location tumblr Member Is Offline Mood: SJW
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| posted on 1-18-2017 at 04:32 PM |
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A Jew, a black man, a Chinese woman, and a Irishman all walk into a bar.
There is no punchline, you racist asshole.
"Put the chicken wings down n come to Jihad bro."
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CCharger
The Great One
Posts 3492
Registered 7-21-2010 Member Is Offline Mood: Covfefe
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| posted on 1-23-2017 at 04:50 PM |
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What do you call an idiot who spends their days being horrified by gays, ISIS and Mexicans?
"A Fox News Viewer"
..........................................................................................................................................
What do you call a Republican who wants insurance to cover Viagra but not birth control?
Motherfucker
..........................................................................................................................................
Why is the GOP so worried even though they control the House, the Senate, Supreme Court, the White House?
Because now they only have themselves to blame
..........................................................................................................................................
What does GOP stand for?
Grab Our Pussy
..........................................................................................................................................
What the difference between a conservative and the rear end of a horse?
I don't know
..........................................................................................................................................
Why was the delegation from the Dallas Dyslexic Republican Association turned away from the Republican National Convention?
Their placard read: 'We love Taxes'.
..........................................................................................................................................
A conservative found a magic genie's lamp and rubbed it. The genie said, "I will grant you one wish." He said, "I wish I were smarter".
So the genie made him a liberal.
"She was warned. She was given an explanation. Nevertheless, she persisted."
"The powers of the president to protect our country are very substantial and will not be questioned."
--- Stephen Miller, Trump senior White House advisor, Feb. 12, 2017
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tat2djunk
Creepy Little Bastard
Posts 90
Registered 7-2-2007 Location Monaca, PA Member Is Offline Mood:
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| posted on 1-23-2017 at 08:39 PM |
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What is something 9 out of 10 people enjoy?
Gang rape.
What do you get when you set a baby on fire?
An erection.
How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?
Pick him up and suck his dick.
How can you tell that your roommate is gay?
His cock tastes like ass.
How do you make a little boy cry twice?
Wipe the blood off your dick with his teddy bear.
What's red and orange and looks good on a hippy?
Fire.
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merc
Man of a Thousand Holds
Posts 1514
Registered 2-23-2006 Location New England Member Is Offline Mood: GO PATS!!!
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| posted on 1-24-2017 at 02:45 AM |
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I laughed at GOP and 9 out of 10.
CC too much political, kinda like water. Needed but too much will drown you.
Tat, I play in a golf tourney where mulligans are given for the 10 most tasteless jokes. I think I'll get a few. Thx
"I wish sarcasm was available as a font." John Stuart Mill
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williamssl
Steers and Queers
Posts 7655
Registered 1-11-2004 Location Hippieville Member Is Offline Mood: Fuck USC
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| posted on 1-24-2017 at 05:56 AM |
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quote:
Originally posted by CCharger
What do you call an idiot who spends their days being horrified by gays, ISIS and Mexicans?
"A Fox News Viewer"
..........................................................................................................................................
What do you call a Republican who wants insurance to cover Viagra but not birth control?
Motherfucker
..........................................................................................................................................
Why is the GOP so worried even though they control the House, the Senate, Supreme Court, the White House?
Because now they only have themselves to blame
..........................................................................................................................................
What does GOP stand for?
Grab Our Pussy
..........................................................................................................................................
What the difference between a conservative and the rear end of a horse?
I don't know
..........................................................................................................................................
Why was the delegation from the Dallas Dyslexic Republican Association turned away from the Republican National Convention?
Their placard read: 'We love Taxes'.
..........................................................................................................................................
A conservative found a magic genie's lamp and rubbed it. The genie said, "I will grant you one wish." He said, "I wish I were smarter".
So the genie made him a liberal.
This thread is called best (worst?), and the whole thread's quota of worst just got used up in one post. Careful with what you post next,
folks. it may just break the bOOards.
Don't Mess With Texas
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CCharger
The Great One
Posts 3492
Registered 7-21-2010 Member Is Offline Mood: Covfefe
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| posted on 1-24-2017 at 04:31 PM |
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Awww...did williamssl get his fee-fees hurt?
I didn't think conservatives could get triggered, snowflake?
"She was warned. She was given an explanation. Nevertheless, she persisted."
"The powers of the president to protect our country are very substantial and will not be questioned."
--- Stephen Miller, Trump senior White House advisor, Feb. 12, 2017
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williamssl
Steers and Queers
Posts 7655
Registered 1-11-2004 Location Hippieville Member Is Offline Mood: Fuck USC
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| posted on 1-24-2017 at 04:46 PM |
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No - they were just really stupid jokes. Really stupid. I'll give you the GOP one though.
Don't Mess With Texas
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CCharger
The Great One
Posts 3492
Registered 7-21-2010 Member Is Offline Mood: Covfefe
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| posted on 1-24-2017 at 04:50 PM |
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quote:
Originally posted by williamssl
I'll give you the GOP one though.
You would.
"She was warned. She was given an explanation. Nevertheless, she persisted."
"The powers of the president to protect our country are very substantial and will not be questioned."
--- Stephen Miller, Trump senior White House advisor, Feb. 12, 2017
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Matte
"Family Man"
Posts 9547
Registered 12-16-2008 Member Is Offline Mood: #BROKEN
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| posted on 1-24-2017 at 09:43 PM |
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quote:
Originally posted by CCharger
Awww...did williamssl get his fee-fees hurt?
I didn't think conservatives could get triggered, snowflake?
Are you 12?
On a somewhat related note: I have a friend who is difficult to even watch TV with because she will jump on anything even slightly political, even a
Family Guy joke. I told her it's difficult to watch things with her because she's so easily triggered. Her response was "Triggered? I
ain't no liberal!" So there actually are some people who actually think being triggered is a strictly liberal thing, which is kind of
hilarious.
"I'm a professional. I know exactly what I'm doing." - Jeff Hardy
The Multiversal MegaTurbo Ultimate Showdown Supreme of the INHUMANS~!
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williamssl
Steers and Queers
Posts 7655
Registered 1-11-2004 Location Hippieville Member Is Offline Mood: Fuck USC
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| posted on 1-24-2017 at 10:04 PM |
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ox�y�mo�ron
ˌ�ksəˈm�rˌ�n
noun
a figure of speech in which apparently contradictory terms appear in conjunction
Example:
quote:
Originally posted by Matte
even a Family Guy joke.
Don't Mess With Texas
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