When in doubt, I whip it out, I got me a rock 'n' roll band; it's a Free For All! Whoooo! 
  

So anyway, eventually, even I just had to give up and go back to the room to get some sleep, instead of feeling like a creep for intruding on some perv's extended wank session and then tip-toeing away. Because, hell, maybe it was "only" 4am local time when I gave up, but my body is still not entirely free and clear of the eastern timezone, and was feeling a bit like it was 7am.

Thus:  you get this column that was cobbled together on Friday and Saturday, but which I'm only getting around to publishing on Sunday. Sorry. But we'll be getting back on track come Wednesday, and resuming our normal schedule. Promise. 

Here's a quick bit of rasslin' news and analysis to tide you over till then:

• Let's sort of go with a "brand round-up" to start here, cuz there's a lot to be said about both WWE brands, as well as about TNA...
   
  RAW first. Because you can go back to Monday night, and my main thesis remains intact: that WWE is simply doing "less with more." They have plenty of talent on the roster, they SHOULD have more than enough creativity on the writing team, and yet, they are limping towards the second-biggest PPV of the year with exactly one (1) feud/match that has anything resembling heat on it.
   
  Thank the gods for Shawn Michaels and Hulk Hogan, who are cashing in on decades of goodwill, weaving together a touch of Real World Shootiness and Simple Straight-Forward Wrestling Storytelling to create an intense and intriguing rivalry. I don't know who will win, I don't even know who I think SHOULD win... I just know that this may well end up being Hulk Hogan's last great match, and that I don't want to miss it.
   
  And WWE's damned lucky they got me roped into that match. Because everything else? I could stand to skip out on it, and not feel like I'm missing out on a damned thing. The Cena/Jericho storyline has been pretty badly bungled to the point where I think you'd have to visit the school served by The Short Bus to find somebody dim enough to take Chris Jericho seriously as a WWE Title Challenger.  Edge made a half-save on the Edge/Hardy feud by doing a WAY more logical job of "shooting" without completely violating the internal logic of WWE's Fictional Universe, but this is still a deal where I just don't feel the sizzle that WWE seems under the impression it is delivering. IC Champ Carlito doesn't seem to be doing anything related to the IC Title... Masters/Big Show? No thanks; that hash should have been settled weeks ago... the mess that is the tag division? Not PPV-ready.... Rob Conway? Viscera? What passes for women's roles on this show at the present time? No sale, no sale, and no sale.
   
  OK, I guess maybe I do find myself liking the Angle/Eugene feud. Problem is, it kinda DOES feel like a bit of a foregone conclusion... which is the right thing to do (since Angle will be Cena's next main challenger), but which does sort of relegate the match to an early-card filler, instead of an upper-mid-card sizzler. It's almost exactly like when Eugene and HHH blew off their feud last year (also at SummerSlam, I think, right?): the ride's fun, but when you already know the final destination, it takes away just a bit of the spark.
   
  If you haven't read the RAW Recap already, then what the hell is your problem? It's been like 5 days! But since this is all I'll say about RAW's current status, I'll encourage anybody who wants more details and analysis to check that out. RAW may not always be excellent, but the OO RAW Recap is.
   
  
• SD! is doing no better than RAW in terms of moving towards a compelling SummerSlam card. But at least they can KIND OF claim to have an excuse: at least one match they wanted to present was scrapped because of pressure from UPN. Hasta la vista, Muhammad.
   
  In his place? JBL gets another shot at the World Champ, Batista. And that right there is everything one needs to say to illustrate just how underwhelming the last month of SD! has been. JBL, who made us all eat crow by being a serviceable heel champ last year, has simply run out of juice, and his shtick simply doesn't click the same way as a challenger as it does as a champ. You *will* be interested in seeing an unworthy champ metaphorically de-pantsed... but nobody gives a shit about an unworthy challenger faking his way through title shot after title shot.
   
  After that, SD! is putting a TON of time into the latest chapter of Eddie Guerrero vs. Rey Mysterio. Problem is, before investing the time, they forgot to invest any effort into coming up with something resembling a compelling, wrestling-related reason for them to still be feuding. The latest twist: Eddie is demanding custody of his biological son, who just so happens to have been raised by Rey as a Mysterio. Whee. This gets dumber and dumber. And as we learned at the GAB PPV, as good as Rey and Eddie are, even they are prone to half-assery when they have to worry about telling a lame story ahead of having a kick-ass wrestling match. So as good as they could/should be at the PPV (and as much as they ARE still SD! best chance for a good match on the show), I have these reservations that I just can't shake.
   
  Undertaker vs. Randy Orton? Bleh. Not saying it won't be good (it certainly exceeded expectations at WM21, and that was with Orton working hurt), but it seems like they decided to not bother coming up with any new ideas/story points on the second time through. "Gay Spooky" video packages here, Orton smacking around some guy who feuded with Taker over a decade ago there... is this August or March? I'm not saying I don't care: but I will say that I certainly don't care any more about this go-round than I did about the one five months ago. Because WWE hasn't seen fit to give me any reasons to do so.
   
  Beyond those three things, let's see... what's SD! doing? Animal and Hawkenreich are the tag champs, and I couldn't care less at this point; nostalgia has given way to apathy....  the US Title is once again wearing its Cloak of Invisibility, because WWE foolishly decided to NOT let Benoit begin the rehab of the belt last month at the Bash; nice work, monkeys... the cruiserweight title changes hands; but on a B-show; and then that change is not even addressed on Thursday night, because heaven forefend that guys who can work a non-boring match be given TV time... Christian is SD!'s Shelton Benjamin: the guy who is so clearly deserving of better, but who is being inexplicably jobbed out for no good reason... and the tag team who SHOULD be wearing the gold are currently feuding with a singles wrestler; somebody explain to me what the hell is going on with MNM vs. Booker T...
   
  I'd say you should check out Danny T's SD! Recap, but I think we must have gotten our lines crossed with my vacation, cuz I don't have a SD! Recap for you guys. I'm working from an alternate e-mail address, so it's probably my fricking fault. Sorry, OO Nation. Because if a lack of a SD! Recap forced you to consume some crap-ass recap at The Torch, or something, I have truly wronged you.
   
  Maybe just take solace in the fact that if you missed SD! this week, you don't really need a recap, anyway. I pretty much hit the highlights, and can assure you you're missing nothing. BOTH brands are really limping towards SummerSlam. It's quite perplexing.
   
  
• Then there's TNA, who actually have a PPV THIS weekend. Sacrifice takes place on Sunday night, and has at least as many intriguing match-ups as SummerSlam does at this point... problem is, TNA is ALSO kind of limping along at this point, as they are still without TV (until October), and that makes it hard for all but the most loyal of fans to follow their product.
   
  Luckily, OO has just such a fan hanging around for your education and edification. Jason Longshore has kindly supplied me with a quick rundown of the announced TNA Sacrifice PPV card. Here it is:
   
  Raven/Sabu v. Jeff Jarrett/Rhino: Sabu made his triumphant return to TNA in the past month to help former rival Raven out against the dastardly team of Rhino and Jarrett. I like the fact that Rhino and Sabu are facing off again, playing off of their fun match at the ECW PPV. We know three of these guys can really brawl, and Jarrett’s been in some old school Southern concession stand clearing scraps himself. Don’t look for a technical masterpiece here, folks. It will be bloody and it will be violent. I’m interested to see who is set up as the challenger for the NWA World Title coming out of this, they really could go with any of the other three guys. Most people are hoping for Rhino, most people are terrified it’ll be Jarrett, but I’m actually hoping for a cool scenario where Sabu ends up challenging Raven. They never did get to finish their feud before Sabu was injured and hospitalized for months. Finishing it over the NWA World Title would work for me.

  Super X Cup Final- AJ Styles v. Samoa Joe: These two were the survivors of the Super X Cup tournament that has been going on this past month on Impact. It’s really been worth checking out. The winner gets a shot at the X Division Title at next month’s PPV. Joe has been killing people since his TNA debut, and the crowd has been loving it. However, they might not like it so much when Joe’s maiming their boy AJ. I’m real curious as to the crowd reaction for this one. This match could be the match of the night, it’s probably the favorite going into the show.

  Jerry Lynn v. Sean Waltman: Lynn’s refereeing decisions during last month’s Styles/Waltman clash set the table for this one. It reignites the feud that put both of these guys on the map, way back in Global Wrestling on ESPN. I’m mainly psyched to see Lynn back in action in TNA, he was such a huge part of the early days that it’s been a little strange without him in the ring for so long. Say what you want about Waltman, but he’s been delivering in the ring as of late. These two will definitely be motivated and the match could be a pleasant surprise.

  Christopher Daniels v. ?: Daniels is facing the winner of a vote on TNAWrestling.com of indy stars who haven’t set foot in a TNA ring before. It looks like ROH Champion Austin Aries will be the winner, he was leading the vote by a huge margin at press time. I haven’t seen any of the guys in the poll (Roderick Strong, Jay Lethal, and Matt Sydal are the other contenders), so I can’t really comment too much. We all know the greatness of the Fallen Angel, so I doubt that the match could suck. Since it’s non-title, I wouldn’t be shocked to see the new guy get the win, especially if TNA is going to use them in the future.

  Monty Brown/Kip James v. Konnan/Ron Killings with BG James as guest referee: Can we finish this saga? Please? I think I’ve typed that every month for the last six, but they still haven’t resolved this story. I’m not going to recount everything that’s happened so far. Since BG slipped up in an interview and said that he and Kip (aka The Outlaw, aka Billy Gunn, aka Mr. Ass, aka Rockabilly) will be teaming up soon, this could actually be the final chapter. BG turns on his former homies in the 3 Live Kru and reforms the New Age Outlaws (except they can’t be called that). K-Dawg and The Truth go to Miami to find Luther Campbell.

  The Naturals/AMW v. Team Canada: I’m really looking forward to this. There’s tons of backstory between all of the teams involved. Everybody hates the Canadians, but AMW and The Naturals had one of the best feuds in TNA history themselves. I hope this kicks off the show, because it will definitely get the crowd going. I want a wild, crazy brawl where they go all over the arena. If it was my booking, one of The Naturals would get the pin, and then get destroyed by a jealous AMW. It’s time to turn them heel.

  Other matches on the show are Abyss against Orlando’s favorite Lance Hoyt and Shocker versus Alex Shelley. For matches that are pretty much throwaways on this card, they should be pretty damn good. I’m really looking forward to this show, on paper it should be outstanding. Hopefully TNA can keep the momentum rolling into their October debut on Spike TV.
   
  Thanks to Jason for the rundown, and you can look forward to JL's full-length Sacrifice PPV Recap being a part of OO's "catch-up update" immediately upon my return home.
   
  

• In breaking news, a FOURTH brand made headlines last night... ROH finally took their title off of WWE's CM Punk.
   
  But they put it on WWE's James "Jamie Noble" Gibson. Huh. Wasn't it just 2-3 weeks ago when I said that ROH's preferred option for dethroning Punk was Gibson, but that went down the toilet when Gibson agreed to return to WWE? Looks like the only thing going down the toilet is The Rick's credibility.
   
  The title change took place last night, ironically enough, in Dayton, OH. Allow the conspiracy theories to beginulate! The Rick conveniently leaves town when some jerkwater indie fed decides to come to Dayton and shake things up! And now, I don't have to put them over! Because I wasn't there. I was 2300 miles away!
   
  Anyway, Gibson came out of a 4-way match (which also featured Chris Daniels and Samoa Joe) with the gold. Punk is believed to be done with his ROH bookings, as tonight's ROH show in Chicago is billed as Punk's "farewell match." Meantime, I guess Gibson has at least a few weeks of freedom left before WWE will bring him back as Jamie Noble. Otherwise, the title change makes no sense.
   
  
• I think Matt Hardy also exhausted his ROJ commitments this weekend. I know he's got one additional major indie show (teaming with Rhyno against the Dudleys in the Duds' first match after their WWE contract expires), but I think other than that, Matt is now going to work exclusively for WWE.
   
  
• Trish Stratus returned to a WWE ring last night at a house show in Canada. She just did a little non-physical angle in which she was "interviewed" by Stacy, and the two did some girly tittering at Lita's expense for a bit. Then Rob Conway came out to hit on them. Then Viscera came out to "save" Trish and Stacy and beat Conway in a match.
   
  Allow me: ugh. Reason one: Trish will come back as a babyface, make no mistake. But that doesn't mean she should be all friendly with Stacy and the other Useless Divas; it goes counter to her established character (which is fetchingly independent). And also: the only interaction that should exist between Trish and Viscera is Trish masterminding Viscera's demise. He is, afterall, the "TV reason" why we've been Trishless for 4 long months.
   
  It's possible Trish just hit the show because it was a short drive from Toronto... but these sorts of appearances also tend to be harbingers of what we can expect to see on TV. It might finally be time for Trish to get back on RAW. Hopefully in a capacity that makes a hell of a lot more sense than the little skit they ran at the house show.
   
  
• Speaking of TV returns...
   
  Triple H's will not be happening "after SummerSlam" as I've been discussing. Well, it WILL be happening "after SummerSlam." Just WELL after SummerSlam. October, to be precise.
   
  The current plan is to hold back HHH's TV return until RAW's return to USA Network on October 3. At that point, who knows if WWE still goes with the HHH vs. Flair storyline, or if they'll have something else in mind. 
   
  I'm kinda torn on this...
   
  One part of me wants to celebrate the fact that we've got at least 6 more weeks of people other than HHH monopolizing TV time.
   
  Another part of me realizes that with Jericho being mishandled (and quite possibly taking some time off this fall to do Fozzy related things), HHH's absence really does hurt the heel side of the RAW roster a bit. Kurt Angle's good... but is Michaels staying a heel after SummerSlam? If not, things get sparse. Then again, might Edge be able to extricate himself from some of the Matt Hardy "shoot" silliness and be involved in something interesting.
   
  And a third part of me is just a total cynical asshole. Because when RAW jumps back to USA, they'll be upping their cable TV penetration by a few percentage points, and their average rating is likely to tick upwards just a bit. Is HHH positioning himself to be the man who takes credit for that, instead of wanting to come back sooner and try to contribute to fixing RAW's current stagnation in the ratings? Probably not, but I wouldn't be an internet jack-off if I didn't at least raise the issue.
   
  So anyway: pencil it in... HHH (and Ric Flair) will return to TV on October 3, if all goes according to plan. Till then, it even looks like Trips' house show and dark match bookings are gonna be limited. He's completed the round of shows for which he was announced, and will be focusing more on backstage duties for the next 6 weeks or so. Such as trying to perfect his technique for running Jericho out of the company on a rail? Nah, that's just my Inner Jack-off spouting off again.
   
  
• A newspaper article last week indicates that Detroit's Ford Field is already making a serious play at hosting 2007's WrestleMania 23. It would be the 20th anniversary of the WWF's record-setting WrestleMania 3, held at Detroit's SilverDome. And it would also mark WWE's return to huge stadiums WM after 3 straight years of smaller venues (WM20 at MSG, 21 in LA, and 22 in Chicago).
   
  It's WAY too early to call Detroit a front-runner based merely on a quote from Ford Field personnel, but this might be a marketing slant that appeals to WWE. Lord knows they are trying to turn back the clock to the 80s in just about every other facet of their business.... so why not try to recreate the magic of WM3 by returning to a huge football stadium in Detroit? 
   
  My only concern: we may still have Hulk Hogan, but he's not the same Hogan we had in 1987. We don't have anybody even close to an Andre. So how do you recreate the WM3 magic? Without some serious foreplanning, WWE might only underscore how less-thrilling the company's top stories are today versus 20 years ago if they go for the "anniversary slant." Then again: I'm not joking when I say that if you DID want to try this, you should seriously start booking for it NOW. Start forging on-screen relationships/interactions that can be built up believably and slowly over time, only to be tragically torn asunder in 18 months. That's the ONLY way you could do a WM23 that comes off as a compelling "sequel" to WM3.
   
  
• Dusty Rhodes has clarified his situation with WWE. In a recent interview, he says that he remains open to possibly working on the WWE creative team, but that it'd only happen under specific circumstances in which he knows he'd be able to contribute meaningfully to a team that would respect his input while also challenging him to improve his own efforts.
   
  As of now, though, he is NOT affiliated with WWE in that capacity.
   
  Instead, Dusty says he's only signed up to be a part of WWE's "Legends" program. Which means they'll bring him in to work on DVDs, set him up with personal appearances, and stuff like that. You know the deal...
   
  
• A little ratings catch-up...
   
  Monday's RAW did a 3.7 cable rating. I think this is a drop of a tenth from the week before, and continues the trend of RAW performing below expectations.
   
  Thursday's SD! did a 3.5 cable rating, which is about as strong as the show has done since the end of the Draft Lottery, and is finally back to roughly the show's usual benchmark. Also: because of the vagaries of cable vs. broadcast ratings, this was a week where more fans watched SD! than watched RAW. That doesn't happen very often these days.
   
  
• There's been some drama related to Diva Search Ashley's phone number (given out on RAW)... first, the number only got you to the voice mail of some dude (and boy, when I heard about that last Tuesday, I was crossing my fingers that he was some toolbox ex-boyfriend feeling Ashley's wrath, because *that* would have been funny). But then the story is that Ashley got the new phone number, and the voice mail was the previous number's owner, and things were all sorted out by the next day.
   
  And now, apparently you can call the number and at the very least hear Ashley's own message. And more than a few people have said they've gotten through and spoken, in person, to her. The conversations, not surprisingly, have tended towards the brief and awkward. This might be a great marketing ploy by Ashley, but I can't imagine that there's a single variation on this conversation that would be interesting to her at this point. But points for creativity, definitely.
   
  
• And as I start running out of pertinent info to pass along, let's just quickly set the stage for the coming week, with a look at Monday's RAW, and how it'll lead into SummerSlam...
   
  Because for as much as RAW has been missing the mark lately, they might have the pieces in place to deliver a quality show on Monday night. Although I kinda "fantasy booked" an even better final pre-PPV RAW (check the RAW Recap), WWE's broken my ideas for meshing things together into a cool six-man match into two different matches.
   
  On RAW, we already knew that we'd get John Cena vs. Chris Jericho and Carlito Cool in a handicap match; I disagree with this match for many reasons (related to how it waters down Jericho's credibility, how it keeps Carlito from focusing on his IC Title, how it is retarded to have Jericho and Carlito so chummy after setting the tone of vague hostility between them a month ago), but those are kinda smarky issues, and I'm sure it'll go over OK with fans.
   
  And now, it's been announced that Kurt Angle vs. Hulk Hogan will be another marquee match. Which should also be very entertaining (if guaranteed to end in a cheap schmozz). Still: call me crazy, but wouldn't there have been about a thousand better ways to book last week's show so as to put heat on a Hogan/Angle match (like having Angle show up during the post-promo Michaels/Hogan brawl?), or on a tag match featuring Hogan and Angle (again, I liked the idea of Hogan/Cena/Eugene vs. Michaels/Jericho/Angle, as tying those storylines together would have made for better TV over the past two weeks, and then the pay off match on Monday would have been the sort of match you slot for 25-30 minutes, and would have been tremendously entertaining).
   
  Still: two potentially good matches is more in-ring promise than RAW's had in over a month. The show hasn't had an above average match since June, I don't think. The return of a bit of the Wrestling will be welcomed.
   
  Obviously, with Hogan/Michaels and Angle/Eugene being the SummerSlam matches, it's a veritable lock that Michaels and/or Eugene will be involved in the Hogan/Angle main event. All I can hope for is that somebody remembers that Angle and Michaels (despite currently both being heels), don't exactly see eye-to-eye, and give us a few interactions between them to play that up. It could be as simple as Angle claiming that he's gonna prove he's better than Shawn by beating Hogan before Shawn gets the chance to do it, or as complex as Michaels and Angle doing a series of skits in which they overcome their rivalry for the purpose of getting the better of Hogan. Lots of possibilities there; I hope they explore some of them.
   
  The Cena/Jericho feud is much more self-contained in that handicap match. My guess? Jericho will pin Cena via nefarious double-team means. Because that's WWE's idea for how to build up Jericho's credibility. Dum dums.
   
  Matt Hardy vs. Edge is the fourth and final PPV-caliber storyline to be addressed on Monday night. Last week, Matt won a match, and Edge tried to make sense of the "what's real and what's fake?" silliness that Matt introduced a week before. Also last week, Matt and Edge had their estimated 972nd and 973rd pull-apart brawls. I don't know who'll talk and who'll wrestle this week, but I'd put good money on #974 taking place. I wouldn't rule out #975. That just seems to be how things go in this little storyline...
   
  Other than that, non-PPV things likely to take up time on Monday...
   
  The Diva Search will be settled. I gather one girl will be eliminated (and it'd better be Leyla, America), and then the two remaining will do some challenge to determine the winner. Either that, or WWE will just award the crown to the one of the three survivors who got the highest vote total over the past week. I'm sure, at this point, that couldn't really care much less. If the 2004 Diva Search taught us anything, it's that it doesn't matter if you win or lose, you STILL get a job.
   
  Trish returned on a house show; again, that could be a sign she's about to return to TV. It sure would be nice having a girl I care about on RAW again.
   
  Conway seems to be somebody's pet project. Viscera isn't going away. I guess the Hurricane/Rosey vs. Heartthrobs thing (and quasi-related Stacy vs. Victoria things) is probably WWE's idea of a pressing issue. Me? I'd focus on the bigger names and SummerSlam-ready stuff to create a top-to-bottom exciting show... but I wouldn't be surprised if some or all of these little things show up on Monday night, wasting valuable prime time air time.
   
  And I'd be remiss if I didn't at least mention that Monday's show is in Montreal. WWE already solved the "Hebner Problem" a few weeks ago, but my guess is that Michaels will be crucified if he shows up in the arena. Those damned Canucks just can't get over something that happened 8 years ago. And what of Hulk Hogan's completely superfluous mention of Bret Hart last week? I'd guess Red Herring. Because really, what kind of physical role is Hart capable of playing at this point? The answer is "not much of one," and thus, I don't quite understand the fixation people have on booking him like the situation is otherwise.
   
  Still, whether WWE (via the Hogan mention of Bret) has artificially inflated your expectations to the point that they can do nothing but disappoint you or not, I kinda think Monday's show is shaping up like it COULD be a strong final bit of pre-PPV punctuation if they just avoid some of the lazy mistakes they've made over the last month. Two big matches, enough potential for interesting interactions/skits/promos to fill in lots of the rest of the show without resorting to Heat-caliber crap, and I think you've got the makings of a good show.
   
  So of course, I'll not be getting to see it till I get home on Wednesday. First ROH does a title change while I'm out of town, now WWE looks like they might be doing a quality RAW that I won't see till 36 hours after the fact. Damn you all!
   
  Luckily for you, you won't have to wait until I get to watch my recording of the show and file a recap on Thursday, or anything. Because Erin Anderson, strengthening her already-remarkable stranglehold on the Awesomest Broad in the Universe crown, stepped up before I bolted town and volunteered to recap the show in my stead. As Tenacious D once said, That's fucking teamwork. So I'll have her bRAWd Recap ready to publish as soon as I get home. It might be published the better part of a day later than you're used to getting your Recap, but it'll be a day quicker than it'd be if I had to do the job myself. I always knew repressing my standard assholitude and trying to be nice to Erin would pay off some day.... 
   
  Also coming in that immediate "catch-up update": the TNA PPV recap from Erin's fellow Atlantian, Jason Longshore... the RAW Satire from Matt... Heat/Velocity Recaps from the Cubs Fan... and maybe one or two other things, depending on how things work out. Then I'll do a "make-good" column on Thursday to get us caught all-the-way up on news, and then I'll be quarterbacking the traditional Team Coverage PPV Preview on Friday. 
   
  Things'll be back to normal soon enough, schedulewise, folks. Just a few more days. Thanks for bearing with me. Be safe and be well till then, and I'll be sure to do the same on my trip back home...