by Big Danny T.
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

No opening promo, no bumper, no WWE leader, we go right into a somewhat remixed Smackdown theme (only sucks slightly less) and we are Live! (Taped) from St. Louis, MO and we are 10 Days from Summerslam! Tonight, Big Evil goes toe-to-toe with the Big Show, But first....

Here comes Mr. McMahon, feeling confident and sure (He even raises his hands to demonstrate.) He grabs a mic and listens to the boo's of the crowd with much bemusement.

Tonight, Vince has the honor of introducing you to someone you don't know. You thought you knew him, but no, you only THOUGHT you knew him! You see, Brock Lesnar is really Edge!! Oh wait, no, Brock Lesnar is actually evil, and Vince knows that side. To help illustrate, Vince shows us the genius of the plot that unfolded last week, luring Kurt Angle in like a child to candy, and then hitting us with the SHOCKING SWERVE! of Brock turning on his best friend, Kurt Angle.

Vince goes on to tell us that Kurt is staying home this week to recuperate, and to make up for it, brings Brock out. Brock is all smiles as the fans berate him. Brock clears the air by telling us that friendship had nothing to do with what happened last week. He tells us that Friends are only to be used as stepping-stones, and that Kurt stopped being his friend when he took the title from him. Vince tells us all that Brock will face Kurt at Summerslam, and this brings Stephanie out (Skirt exceptionally short this week.) Vince wonders aloud that Stephanie is out to congratulate him and Brock. Steph calls bullshit by pointing out the fact that he sent A-Train after her at Vengeance. Steph saw that that incident was an attempt to make her quit, but she's not going to do it. She calls Vince a piece of garbage. Vince is incredulous, calls Steph a disappointment, and says that the worst investment of his life was marrying Linda. Steph goes after Vince, but Brock stands in her way. Vince tells him to let her go, and says that since she's so hot to give some physical abuse, then fine, he'll give the chance to her, and tonight she'll face A-Train.

Up next, Rey Mysterio and Billy Kidman face The Worlds Greatest Tag Team in a rematch for the Tag titles.

Hey, is that X-Pac that HHH is beating on in that Stacker 2 Stinger commercial?

Back from commercials, and The Filthy Animals are out to take on TWGTT. Billy and Charlie start. Charlie with the side headlock and shoulder blocking Kidman down. Kidman gets a leg up into a leg scissors and takes control. Charlie ties Kidman up and forces him into his own corner. Kidman fights out, but Shelton pulls Charlie out of harms way. Charlie takes advantage, tags to Shelton, and holds Kidman’s leg while Shelton slingshots in to land on the knee. Shelton dominates for a few seconds, but Kidman kicks out and gets a tag to Rey. Rey is a ball of fire on Shelton. Charlie tries to help, but Rey has a bulldog for him. Rey tries to cover, but only gets two. Charlie with a shot tot he kidneys, and Shelton takes over again. Shelton working Rey over. Charlie tries to help out, but Kidman has a flying body press to answer that. Shelton pulls Rey up to the top turnbuckle and looks to try for a superplex, but Rey surprises him by jumping up, spinning around, and hitting a hurricanrana! Rey is up first and quick to try covering, but Shelton kicks out. Both men are down on the mat as we go to commercial.

Back from commercial, and Shelton is trying to get the upper hand, but Rey drop toeholds him into the ropes and Billy guillotines him. Rey goes for the 619, but Shelton moves. Shelton with the tag, and Charlie is quick to knock Rey down and starts working on Rey's ribs. Shelton in and they double-team Rey with a double slam across their knees. Shelton going for the cover, but Rey kicks out. Shelton slaps on the bear hug, but Rey fights out, but Shelton knocks him down again. Cover only gets two. Abdominal stretch applied, punctuated by shots to the ribs. Rey finally gets a hip toss, but can't capitalize. Tag to Charlie, they do the leapfrog backbreaker. Charlie works Rey over, finally putting him on the top rope, but Rey fights Charlie off, and goes for a missile dropkick, but Charlie dodges. Charlie with the arm bar, but Rey is able to fight out, Hits a dropkick, but Charlie tags Shelton in and he grabs Rey and ties him up again. Rey fights out; hits a couple dropkicks, and both men are down. Rey crawls across the ring and gets the hot tag to Kidman. Kidman’s a house O' Far on TWGTT, ending with a BK Bomb on Charlie that only gets two. Billy covers again, that only gets two. Charlie grabs Billy and atomic drops him, but before Shelton can super kick them, Rey is up for the flying leg scissors to send him out. Charlie gets a spine buster, tho, and cover s for 1-2-NO! Charlie can't believe that Billy kicked out. Charlie puts Billy up on the top rope and goes to superplex, but Rey is back in with a Gory Special and sets Charlie up for the Shooting Star Press. Shelton into the ring, But Rey has a Shining Wizard for him and sets him up for the 619. Billy hits the Shooting Star press and covers while the ref is attending to Shelton. Rey hits the 619, and this snaps the ref’s attention back to what’s happening in the ring. Ref goes to count: 1-2-NO!!! Billy can't believe it, and neither does Rey. Rey goes to collect the Tag Belts the he obviously feels belong to he and Billy, and the ref follows to stop him. While the refs back is turned, Shelton gets a cheap shot in, Charlie rolls Billy up, and ref jumps back in to count the pin fall and TWGTT retain the titles.

The Cool color of the night is Billy Gunn saving Jamie Knoble last week.

In the Ring, the Bashams are in the ring with Shaniqua, who forces them down for some ab worship. Billy Gunn (W/ Torrie) is out and he is taking on Danny Basham. Billy jumps in the ring and takes on both of them to start, ending with a meeting of the minds outside the ring. A lot of fast brawling follows as Shaniqua Distracts the ref and Danny gets the cheap win. After the match, the Bashams double team Billy and then hold Torrie for Shaniqua. As the beat down continues, Jamie Knoble is out to apply a West Virginia Ass Kicking on the brothers as Nidia occupies Shaniqua's time. The Bashams get the better of Jamie tho, ending the beating with a top rope Theiz Press (ouch!) and Shaniqua powerbombs Nidia to end it.

Backstage, Farooq and Bradshaw postulate that Shaniqua is really Shelton Benjamin in drag. Hilarity results.

Elsewhere, Big Show walks out of Vince McMahons office and is on his way to the ring. While we wait, here are some commercials for you.

You know, if that kid is going down into a back alley to get his tongue pierced by a guy who speaks with a German accent and his teeth look like baked beans, why shouldn't he smoke? It's probably the least dangerous threat to his health in those conditions.

Back from commercials, and Undertaker is tired of waiting on Big Show to ambulate to the ring, so he goes, grabs his motorcycle, and rides out first. Oh goody, 'Taker vs. A-Train at Summerslam. There's a money match for your second or third biggest PPV of the year: putting Taker up against someone he's squashed a half dozen times before on free TV. Big Show is finally out. They lock up, Big Show throws him off. 'Taker forced into the corner, but before Show can hit the big slap, 'Taker scoots out. 'Taker tries a bit of chain wrestling, but that comes to nothing as Big Show tosses 'Taker around a bit. Show with the Goozle, but 'Taker reverses in mid-air into a fujiwara arm bar. Big Show makes the ropes. Both men back up and Big show with offense, but 'Taker hits a big DDT, and then smacks Show across the ring. 'Taker with the apron leg drop, back in the ring, a few haymakers, then it's time for Old School. Taker works the shoulder over a bit, but Big Show reverses a charge with a sidewalk slam. Big Show back up (actually selling the shoulder a bit) and goes to work on 'Taker's ribs. 'Taker with some right hands, but Big Show stops that with a big clothesline. Show covers, but only gets two. Show working 'Taker over on the ropes, using them s leverage to stand on him. 'Taker back up, and he's still got some fight left in him. 'Taker with the soupbones, then a flying clothesline. Big leg drop, but that only gets two in the cover. 'Taker jabbing Show in the cover, but Show is covering up, so 'Taker uppercuts him. 'Taker with the goozle now, but Big Show grabs the ref, throws him aside, then gets out and gets a shot to the ribs. Show slingshots 'Taker into the ref, sending him out. Big Show going in for the kill with a big boot, but 'taker low bridges Big Show and Show straddles the ropes. 'Taker clotheslining Show out of the ring. Show comes back by ramming 'Takers head into the steps a couple times, but 'Taker reverses a whip into the ringpost. They brawl out into the crowd, and A-Train is there to lay in a cheap shot with the 2X4 on Undertaker. Both men are down as the Ref starts the count. Big Show is inside the barricade, 'Taker is out. As the ref count reaches 8, Big Show is able to roll his way in and gets the count-out win. Taker writhes in pain outside the ring as we replay the 2X4 shot and we go to commercial.

Backstage, and undertaker is getting his ribs looked at.

Viva la Rasa! US Champion Eddie Guererro is out in a shiny new lowrider truck. He's in civilian attire tonight, as he's not wrestling, he'll be commentating alongside Tazz and Cole. No sooner has Eddie put on the headphones than Chris Benoit is out to join them at the commentary table. Benoit is all smiles and hugs for Eddie, which throws Eddie off a bit. In the ring, Rhyno is out to take on Tajiri (with new, less Asian stereotypical, music.)

Rhyno starts off by pounding on Tajiri, but Tajiri comes back with kicks to the head. But you see, in order to actually hurt someone like that, they have to have a brain, so Rhyno shrugs the kicks off and flattens Tajiri with a clothesline. They flip flop offense until Tajiri slaps on the tarantula. After the ref breaks them up, Rhyno knocks Tajiri down again and rips a turnbuckle pad off while Benoit and Eddie argue about the quality of food at Bob Evans (Chris loved it, Eddie hated it.) Rhyno whips Tajiri into the exposed turnbuckle, and then sets up for the GOAR! Rhyno charges, but Tajiri dodges and Rhyno eats unforgiving exposed steel himself. Tajiri with the finishing kick, and he covers for the win.

After the match, Eddie wants to get out quick, but Chris is following him out. Eddie goes to drive off in the Lowrider, but Chris jumps in the other side and excitedly entreats Eddie to show off the hydros. Eddie wants Chris out of the car, tho, and when Chris doesn't leave, Eddie jumps out of the car and heads out in frustration as we go to commercial.

Ben Stein should be a manager in the WWE. Put him in Charge of Lance Storm and Goldust and watch the comedic genius flourish.

Back, and Zack Gowan is out, and he's all freshly buzzed for his match against John Cena. John grabs a mic and rhymes about, you guessed it, Zacks lack of one leg. Bell rings, and John wastes no time forcing Zack into the corner. Zack annoys john with a bit of flying, even yanking on Johns shoulder from outside the ring. John comes back with a shoulder block and dominates until he goes to put the FU on Zack. Cena changes his mind, tho and drags Zack over to the corner. Zack picked up for a second rope FU, but he reverses into a flying armbar! Zack coming back with a flurry of dropkicks and leg drops. This only lasts a few seconds tho, and Cena comes back, this time simply depositing Zack in the middle of the ring with the FU.

Backstage, and the cameraman zooms in on Stephs chain crossed breasts as she gets ready. A-Train interrupts her pre match reverie by telling her that Vince paid him a lot of money to do what he did at Vengeance, but he would have done it for free. He goes on to observe that Steph likes it rough, and he likes chicks that like it rough, and drags her hand across his hairy chest. She shoves him off and looks like she's about to shower herself for a year to get the slime off.

Moments ago, Zack Gowan was a bump machine for John Cena, and during the break, Matt Hardy gave Zack a Mattitude adjustment. Cole gets Indignant at Matt’s actions and Tazz tells him to chill out while we go over the Smackdown side of the Summerslam card.

Backstage, and Spanky, Funaki, and Orlando Jones are having a good-natured Chocolate syrup drinking contest when Spanky accidentally splatters Vince. Vince gets in Spankys face, calling him a stain on the underwear of life, Spanky (who is referring to himself as Brian Kendrick tonight) does the incredibly asshatted mistake of bringing up the XFL as examples of bad investments. This pisses Vince off and tells Zack that he is to march his ass down to the ring and take on The Real Brock Lesnar right after this commercial break.

Back from commercials, and Brock is out for his squash... err... match with Spanky. Spanky goes into the ring full tilt, tho and takes it right to Brock. Brock is too big, however, and he starts tossing Spanky around. Brock with not one, not two, but THREE powerbombs in a row. Brock out to grab a chair. The ref tries to stop him, but Brock scares him off and proceeds to chair Spanky into oblivion, drawing the DQ. Spanky is bleeding like a stuck pig as Brock picks him up and headbutts him down and out of the ring. Brock follows him out, and TOSSES Spanky full bodied into the ring post. Crowd breaks out into a "Holy Shit!" chant and Tazz agrees. As Brock makes his way up the ramp, Vince stops him and congratulates him.

Backstage, Steph gives us 'Trepidation' as she jiggles her way to the ring.

The Boot of the Week is A-Train laying Steph out at Vengeance.

Moments ago, Spanky learned never to abuse Chocolate syrup again. During the break, Spanky was hauled off.

In the ring, Vince marvels at how messy Spanky's blood has made the ring, and proceeds to announce the special guest ring announcer: Sable!

Sable hurts our eardrums announcing Stephanie and A-Train. Steph wants a piece of Sable, but Sable tells us that this match is no-count outs. Steph dodges the ref and finally gets her hands on Sable. This brings A-Train out. Steph offers up a couple slaps, but A-Train tosses Steph around for a bit, and asks Vince for the final verdict. Vince stands up, all Emperor-of-Rome-like, and gives the thumbs down. A-Train sets Steph up for the Derailer, but "Dead Man Walking" interrupts and Undertaker is out. A-Train meets him on the ramp and they brawl until Big Show is out to deliver a chair shot to the ribs. A-Train then makes his way back to the ring, hits the flying stomach drop, and the pin is perfunctory. After the match, Sable announces A-Train as the winner, Vince holds A-Trains hand up, and Cole gives us the biggest No Shit, Sherlock! line of the night: "I think Vince has failed miserably as a father tonight!" The bad guys celebrate in the ring and we fade out.

Nice neat little show tonight. The matches didn't seem so much like competition as they were the glue to hold the ongoing plotlines together, with the exception of the awesome opening tag match. The result was a series of easily digestible segments that flowed fairly well. Yeah, the smarks will whine that we didn't have any superbly worked wrestling clinics tonight, but tonight wasn't about that, tonight was about telling compelling stories outside the ring to get us to care about what's going on inside the ring and I think it worked. Next week, (Hopefully) we'll get some good setup matches that will get us psyched for Summerslam.

See ya Next Week!

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