It's not like tonight's show was awful, but it did end up being a show that fell flat in terms of that sense of "freshness" and "excitement" I tried to sell you on in my preview. The only even vaguely interesting "twist" to Standard WWE Booking Procedure was that Kofi Kingston ONCE AGAIN trumped lowly Randy Orton... everything else managed to take our "fresh" and our "new" and serve it up in the blandest, most foregettable way possible.
 
D'oh.
 
Here are your quick-and-dirty results from the just-completed Survivor Series pay-per-view:

• Team Miz beat Team Morrison. First five minutes were pretty good, with Evan Bourne getting passed between Jack Swagger and Dolph Ziggler to showcase Team Miz's size advantage. Then a rally by Bourne, which included a brief bit of Hardy-Boyz-style double-team work with Matt coming in, and then Bourne eliminated Ziggler with the Shooting Star Press. Then Bourne got up and essentially walked right into Drew McIntyre's finisher (that Standing Side-Sweep Pedigree type thingie). Another elim. Finlay came in to replace Bourne, and got exactly 2 shots in on McIntyre before Sheamus managed to tag in and land a boot to the head. Finlay gone. Capt. Morrison comes in at this point to stop the bleeding, and after a quick sequence, got into position to hit Swagger with Starship Pain for the fourth elimination in under 8 minutes.
   
  Now it's time for Capt. Miz to pull HIS weight, but only for about 30 seconds, before he decides he's shown up his old partner for enough so far tonight. BOO~! Shelton tags in for the good guys, and we begin another lengthy sequence where he's our Face in Peril. He hits his big rally, which is pretty sweet and suplex-laden, but once he and Miz get into a final show-down of triple-reverse-y, it's Miz who ends up on top, with a Skull Crushing Finale at the 15 minute mark. Hardy comes in to replace Shelton, and less than 90 seconds later, eats McIntyre's modified double-arm DDT finisher. Now, it's 3-to-1 (Miz, McIntyre, Sheamus vs. Morrison).
   
  Mini-beatdown on Morrison, then his big flurry winds up falling short. In the midst of throwing all manner of wacky kicks at all three of his foes, Sheamus manages to block one, and then lands the Celtic Cross (formerly the Razor's Edge) to score the win for his team.
   
  Survivors: Sheamus, The Miz, and Drew McIntyre after 20 minutes. I like the idea of a story where Miz can go around claiming victory, even though it's other guys who did 80% of the work. Pretty much exactly what I'd have hoped for out of this match, with the exception of some of the "bunching" of eliminations that just seems hokey to me... but whatever, in the end, this was still about 20 minutes, and the final flavor is what matters more than 4 eliminations happening in 90 seconds during the first third of the match.
   
  
• Backstage: Team Kofi is chatting, and Christian is acting uncomfortable with his teammates (Kofi, Mark Henry, MVP, R-Truth). Kofi wants to know why... Christian stammers that he's the.... he's the only..... it's just that there's 4 of you.... and I'm the only one here... I'm the only one here FROM ECW. Ahahahahaha. Everybody's looking around, sure they've just been had, and sure enough, Christian follows up by saying "You thought I cared I was the only white guy." Then he takes that notion, and works it into song, Weird Al'ing his own version of R-Truth's theme with the line "So 4 of you are black, and 1 of us is white. I'm still down with that, we will win tonight. What's up? WHAT'S UP?" And everybody laughs. Kinda sad, but this was easily the most funnest smile time happy part of the show; just a completely unexpected moment that scored a guffaw out of me. Yes, a GUFFAW!
   
  
• Batista beat Rey Mysterio. Pretty simple stuff, with Batista being all power, and Rey being all shucking, jiving, and high-flying. Batista was the dense prose and vocabulary: the building blocks of this story. Rey was the italics, the bold, and the occassional exclamation point: he gave the story moments of excitement that leapt off the page. But then (as I may have warned in the Preview I wrote last week, since I am prescient that way, and WWE are tards) an "unexpected" thing happened: when Rey started trying to "channel" Eddie Guerrero's spirit during his comeback, the crowd booed the daylights out of him for being such a cheap hack. They "unexpectedly" started latching on to Batista. "Unexpected," my ass...
   
  Anyway, when Rey's cute little rally comes up lame, and Batista just starts pounding away on the now-dead carcass of Rey Mysterio, the crowd is loving every big move, and cheering Batista like he's Diesel in 1994's Royal Rumble. The ref eventually has to stop the match because Rey is knocked out, and the crowd is chanting "One More Time.... One More Time..." as they desire another Batista Bomb, if you please. Batista, trying to salvage SOME semblance of being a heel, declines to honor their request, and leaves as medics tend to Rey.
   
  Your winner: Batista, via ref stoppage, at about 7-8 minutes to win both the match AND our hearts. I saw it coming, I felt it coming, I wrote about it last week. And now: it's happened. And I don't think it's a matter of Batista getting a "home town" crowd; I think fans everywhere feel roughly the same after Rey's whiny bitch promos and "channeling Eddie" tonight. So congratulations on all that, WWE. Don't say I didn't warn you.
   
  
• Team Kofi beat Team Orton. It's Orton vs. Mark Henry to start, and I die a little bit on the inside, as I fear the worst. But after all of 90 seconds of slow-motion crap: an RKO out of nowhere. Buh bye, Mark Henry! I've never been such a huge Randy Orton fan! R-Truth comes in, but is quickly eliminated by CM Punk and a G2S. Three minutes in, and the heels have a 5-3 advantage.
   
  That ends about 3 more minutes later, when DiBiase (by Christian) and William Regal (by Kofi) are eliminated in another rapid-fire "bunch" of elims. That makes it 3-on-3 for a more-extended phase of the match, where Christian's a mini-face in peril who hot tags MVP, who in turn hot dogs for the crowd (Ballin', et al), which is a bad move: he gets caught by Cody Rhodes' finisher (the neckbreaker thingie), and is eliminated. Christian came in and re-leveled things by almost immediately eliminating Rhodes. But then, after a brief exchange with Orton, Christian was eliminated a few minutes later following an RKO. As much as I liked the first RKO, I hated that one. Boo.
   
  So now it's about 14-15 minutes in, and it's Kofi vs. Orton/Punk. The crowd is (rightfully) red hot for the New Guy, after his breakout month on RAW. They believe he can win this! I prefer not to set myself up for disappointment by "believing" in things like that! But I'm still sitting here HOPING for it! Let's do this thing!
   
  Orton actually starts sauntering around at ringside at this point (instead of standing in the corner), making it clear he'd prefer Punk do his dirty work for him... Punk responds to the sudden decrease in Orton, by going all Chain Wrestle-y and stuff, which the crowd eats up. Kofi and Punk even finish one exchange and get the Indie Show Ovation of Mutual Respect and Wanker Admiration. This is actually going really, really good. Orton's coming off like a pussy, but the further he is away from tagging into the match, the more I can enjoy Kofi and Punk really clicking well against each other for this extended sequence.
   
  Cut to 5-6 minutes later, and it's still just Kofi and Punk doing their thing, with Kofi on the ropes... but he begins a rally. NOW Orton perks up, and tries to interfere. He gets Kofi's attention. Punk uses that to roll Kofi up, but Kofi rolls through into his OWN pinning combination. One, two, three. Punk's gone. Orton blusters into the ring, looking like he's just gonna mop up Kofi's puddle and be done with it, but Kofi ducks one move, and when Orton turns around, he eats Trouble In Paradise. Kofi makes the cover. And despite being VERY well-rested after his siesta at ringside, Orton can't kick out. Just that fast: Kofi DOES win. You morons in the audience were RIGHT to believe!
   
  Sole Survivor: Kofi Kingston, after about 20 minutes. I thought for sure this one HAD to go to Orton, somehow. After the past month of him getting dominated, I figured THAT was how you even the score a bit to move us towards the one-on-one blow-off match between the two (and that's where I'd really care about Kofi coming out on top). Instead, Kofi gets the surprising and crowd pleasing win here (making me fear about his final prospects in said one-on-one match), in the night's second very-solid elim match where my only minor gripe is on some of the "bunching" of elims.
   
  
• Undertaker beat Chris Jericho and Big Show to retain the World Title. Out of the gate, and surprise surprise, JeriShow actually manage to work really well together for quite a while at the start of this match. For almost the entire first 5-6 minutes, the story is Jericho and Show dominating Taker either individually or collectively. After all that, it's Jericho/Taker in the ring (Show had whiffed on some big move outside the ring), and Jericho manages to lock in the Walls. Show comes in and -- for the first time in the match -- breaks with Jericho, chokeslamming him. Show tries to do the same to Taker, but eats a DDT. All three men are down, and the ref is counting.
   
  So uhhh, it's 7 minutes in, and we're entering End Game? Guess Taker really is more banged up than they're letting on...
   
  Jericho's first to his feet, and tries to snipe a few cheap pinfalls on each big man, but there's nothing doing. He introdces the title belt as a weapon, but while he was fetching it, the other guys got to their feet and Taker ended up in command for a bit. Show powders out (again), leaving Taker attempting to give Jericho the Last Ride. but Jericho had the title belt in his hands, and whaps Taker in the face while at the apex. Show gets back in the ring, and Jericho tries to preemptively get rid of him with a Codebreaker, but ummm that doesn't work real well. Show gets a chokeslam on Taker and sets up for his KO Punch; Jericho interrupts, kicking Show away, and locking the Walls back in on Taker. Show breaks THAT up by actually hitting his KO Punch on Jericho. Bye bye, Chris. Show isolates on Taker, but the second he reaches out to grab Taker by the throat this time, Taker locks the arm and drops down into his Hell's Gates submission. Jericho's out, Show is trapped, Show taps quickly.
   
  Your Winner: Undertaker, via submission, in about 12 minutes. Shorter than I'd have hoped -- which I'm guessing is due to health issues of those involved not named "Jericho" -- and kinda anticlimactic, too, since this was a custom-made situation to really shake things up, but in a way where Taker could still have been "protected." It's doubly a letdown if Taker's in the kind of shape where the best he can do (as the headlining champion) is these kind of 10-12 minute matches. Far from bad -- in fact, what there was of it was quite good and expertly executed -- but just not the kind of "big match atmosphere" you want out of your brand's main event.
   
  
• Team Mickie beat Team McCool. So umm, it felt like six girls were gone before I even settled in to bother paying attention.  Layla and Jillian gone from the heels, then a big flurry where Beth Phoenix dominated and got rid of Gail, Eve, and Kelly all in a row. And then: out of absolutely nowhere, Mickie got a cheap pinfall on Beth, and it's 2-on-2 (Mickie/Melina vs. McCool/Alicia). Mickie also pins Alicia in fairly short order. Then McCool tries to hold her own against not only her top challenger on SD (Mickie) but against the Diva Champ from RAW (Melina). She can't. After a few minutes, she tries for the Styles Clash, but ends up having it reversed into a flip-powerbomb by Melina. So, ummm, RAW Diva Champ > SD Women's Champ?
   
  Survivors: Melina and Mickie James, after about 9-10 minutes. Nothing to see here. Nothing to bitch about, either, really (except that there's no conceivable reason for Melina to have scored that pin on McCool instead of Mickie, who is afterall ON SMACKDOWN WITH MCCOOL). Just a palate cleanser of a match.
   
  
• John Cena beat Shawn Michaels and Triple H to retain the WWE Title. So if JeriShow can work together, surely DX can as well, right? WRONG~! One nanosecond after the bell rings to officially start the match, HBK superkicks HHH into next week. Awesome. The crowd laps it up, and cheers like mad as the wily vet isolates on that hated (REALLY hated) toolbox, John Cena. Six solid minutes of HBK/Cena to start, with an entirely one-sided crowd red hot the whole while. When the duo spill outside, they run into the slowly-awakening carcass of HHH. Cena begins taking control of the brawl, but HHH is there in a nick of time to save Michaels from an FU through the announce table. Michaels clotheslines Cena over the barricade and into the crowd, and gestures to HHH "So, you wanna go beat him up together, partner?" and HHH is all "Umm, no." In fact, HHH just hoists HBK up, lightning fast, and then spinebusters him through same-said announce table. And we have yet another big cheer.
   
  So now, it's 8 minutes in, and it's time to do the mirror image of the opening segment, as it's all HHH/Cena, and the crowd is still all one-sided. Kinda neat. Pretty standard movesets and back-and-forth, but with plenty of extra sizzle due to the crowd heat. [Unlike, for instance, where the "it's fun to hate Cena" thing wore off after 5 minutes in his last few PPV matches because fans realize it's NO fun to cheer Randy Orton. Here, they had guys they could really get behind and STAY behind while hatin' on Cena.]
   
  We get up closer to the 15 minute mark, and Cena has gained control to the point where he sets up for the FU (in the ring) on HHH, and here's HBK back from the dea to make the save. This leads to the first HBK/HHH sequence of the night, as they go back and forth for a few minutes, the crowd no content to cheer for both as they go for their big moves (only to have them countered, since these two old friends just know each other that well). And then when Cena decides to interrupt the nice little one-on-one match, the crowd groans and boos again, as if to say "That clown? He's back? D'oh." Funny. Cena's fiery rally ends with him locking in the SSTF on HHH. But then HBK locks in a Crippler Crossface on Cena at the same time. Then some jockeying, some reversing, and HBK ends up in an SSTF, and HHH has to break it up, and before you know it, we're brushing up on 20 minutes, and all three men are down, and we're resetting for End Game. Which is a much better place to set up for End Game than at the 7 minute mark.
   
  Nice little convoluted spot where Michaels landed Chin Music on Cena, then immediately plastered HHH with the same move. but HHH fell right on top of Cena while HBK was still feeling the effects of the SSTF moments ago. When the ref dropped down to count, it was the first time all match Cena was in any genuine peril, and I don't know if it was the "cheap-ness" (of an unconscious HHH pinning Cena) or just the fact that this was the moment of concern CeNation needed to perk up and make their teenage girly voices be heard, but NOW is where Cena finally started getting substantive crowd support. Cheers for his kick-out, and now some dueling "Let's Go Cena" (from the girls/kids) to augment the "Cena Sucks" (from the males). That adds another layer of heat/sizzle/whatever to things as we head for home....
   
  More wacky three-way spots with guys hitting finishers, but in unusual contexts (double pins, stolen pins, all kinds of nicely choreographed bits not seen in your standard match). All that off-kilter reverse-y-ness led to a final spot in which HHH tried to Pedigree Cena, but HBK superkicked HHH, then Cena FU'ed HBK directly onto HHH's torso, shoved HBK aside, and pinned HHH to retain his title. Cena went up the entrance aisle to celebrate to mixed reactions while Michaels and Hunter eyed each other in ambiguous fashion while they recovered in the ring to end the show.
   
  Your Winner: John Cena, via pinfall, in about 24 minutes. Good stuff here, and easy Match of the Night, though it still wouldn't count as much more than a ***3/4 type match if you're into the Star Rating Wanker Scale. Would have liked to have seen something ANYthing actually happen, rather than have this be 25 minutes of fun, leading us right back to where we started... that would have put this over the top as a really memorable contest. But nope: for all my claims of "freshness" and "newness," nobody turned, and no titles changed hands. Meh.