OO Column: Online Onslaught by Rick Scaia (Pro Wrestling News, Analysis, and Commentary... WWE, WWF, WCW, ECW, The Rock, Brock Lesnar, Triple H, Rob Van Dam, Hulk Hogan, Undertaker, Trish Stratus, Lita, Stacy Keibler, Divas, RAW, SmackDown, WrestleMania

ONLINE ONSLAUGHT
Putting the "E" Back in "WWE" at MSG
November 16, 2009

by The Rick
Undisputed Lord and Master of Online Onslaught

So I guess I stayed "re-retired" from RAW Recappening for all of 2 months there, eh?

But it's oddly appropriate that I'm back, and not just because Pyro is feigning illness (he really just wants to play his precious "Borderlands" on his Nintendo PlayBox 5000). But because tonight's Guest Host for RAW retired for the first time back at WrestleMania 3.

And yet, over the 22 years since, it sure as hell doesn't seem like he ever really went away. Hell, just six months ago, Roddy Piper became one of only two men to wrestle on both the very first WrestleMania *and* the most recent 25th installment. And we all dug it.

Just like you're all tingly and happy on the inside to see me back for the night. Doing what I did better than anybody else for so very, very long. Well: except maybe for CRZ. I just might have to grant that he's the Hulk Hogan to my Rowdy Roddy. We can each take credit for greatness, but honestly, WrestleMania(cs) couldn't have happened without BOTH of us. And Mr T; who in this example is Mike Samuda.

But everybody else out there on the intarwebs can eat me. As always, I hope the mentally enfeebled wienerboys at the Torch know full well they are entitled to cut to the very front of the line!

Oh yeah: I still got it, baby. Let's get on with yet another TOTALLY ONE TIME ONLY return of More Than You Need to Know....

Cold Open: We're backstage, and it's Roddy Piper flashing a winning smile as he announces "I'm Back." And where Piper's goes, the Pit follows... so now that Piper is no longer a grappler, he's invited a fellow arteest onto Piper's Pit tonight. An actor. By the name of... umm, let's just agree that we all vaguely remember him from "Boogie Nights," and leave it at that.

Piper proves a superior talk show host than Jimmy F. Fallon right out of the gate by very effectively plugging Actor Guy's new movie, which also stars and ensemble cast of what sounded like dozens, but NOT Mr. T. Because, as Roddy is only to happy to remind us, he beat the crap out of Mr. T 25 years ago, and he ain't been the same since.

Then, we change gears, as Actor Guy is apparently a novice chef. So Roddy arranged for a special guest: the "Iron Chef." And I think we all knew it was coming before it happened, but it's still funny as hell: the Bella Twins half-carry the inimitable Iron Sheik onto the set, where Sheik wastes no time out-crazying Piper with a wild rant about Hulk Hogan. After the requisite "hock-ptooey" finish, they all decide to be friends, and hit a "Live... from New York.... it's Monday Night RAW" together.

Opening Theme/Pyro/Etc: and we're live from Madison Square Garden. It's worth noting that we debuted a new theme song tonight... it's a fine entry into the genre of Puss Metal. It's medoicre riffage, then over-produced to the point that it has zero balls, and bears no resemblance to real rock 'n' roll. You know, kind of how like Playboy can take a pretty naked lady, over-produce things to the point that it has zero hot and bears no resmeblance to a real girl. But it still counts as a vaguely "energetic" bit of ear candy that's been rendered inoffensive enough that anybody will hear it and know it's a sign to get pumped up during pregame or timeouts. A poor man's version of Ozzy's last single ("Never Want to Stop," was it called?). So feel free to look for it in a year or two on the next installment of "Jock Jams." Assuming they still put out "Jock Jams."

And that's all I got to say about that, because -- as noted -- we are live from Madison Square Garden, and WWE usually busts out the goods for MSG. Tonight, they've even busted out the Old School MSG short-side entrance aisle. WWE probably did it because not using the full set means they could sell another 3000 or so tickets and pocket another $100,000, but I just plain like it. Distinctive. Like the olden days of "Prime Time Wrestling" when they'd show house show matches, and every arena had a look of its own. Maple Leaf Gardens had the elevated rampway. Boston had the yellow-y theme and plyboard floor. Washington DC had the camera on a diagonal. Philly always seemed to have its own refs, for some reason. Neat stuff like that made a match a tinch more memorable than having every show happen in the same antiseptic "universe." Good times....

But I'm digressing again... cuz we're STILL live from MSG, and after just a quick pan-and-scan of the crowd and welcome from King and Michael Cole, we are headed STRAIGHT UP TO THE RING FOR GRAPPLING ACTION! Maybe tonight they'll really amp up the in ring action for us? Guess again, Potsie....

The Miz vs. Multiple Vivacious Panties (or NAMBLA, for short) (US Title Match)

Some cheers mixed in for Miz, but mostly boos. Then a "Miz Sucks" chant. Then Miz decides to speak: "I haven't even done anything yet, and you people have already decided to hate me." BOO~! Miz continues that New Yorkers are all just a bunch of clueless robots and band wagon hoppers. He says they're so blind to things, they don't realize the Yankees didn't EARN that World Series, they BOUGHT it. BOO~! DOUBLE BOO~!, in fact. Miz was all ready to go on another tangent about how he's from Cleveland, which I'm SURE was going to turn into a series case of ripping-on-the-Knicks and praising the Cavs, but the booing was so loud, Miz had to take a break, lost his train of thought soaking in the hatred, and when he could finally speak again, just closed things up by reminding everybody that if they like Champions so much, they should just look at him, cuz that's what a Champion looks like.

Now get his opponent out here!

So here's MVP, pandering in a Yankees' cap (which he gives to allegedly-famous ladyfriend at ringside; seriously, what kind of crossover appeal does WWE think exists by parading out some yammering twit from "The View" on a WRESTLING show?). MVP gets off to a fast start with Miz doing a bit of mouse-and-cat to slow things down. Miz eventually lands a cheapshot to MVP's knee while the two were in the ropes, and capitalizes by... applying a headlock? Hokay, there, champ. So MVP's wounded knee gets a rest, he comes back, hits Ballin', goes for the Playmaker, but Miz cleanly counters out and hits the Skull Crushing Finale (Full-Nelson Facebuster). View Lady no likey. But Miz is proud of himself as he exits.

Your Winner: Miz by pinfall in about 3 minutes. His entrance/promo probably lasted 5, so like I said about the "in-ring focus": better guess again. Or go gently stroke yourself while re-playing the last two matches of last night's TNA PPV if you're gonna get antsy about RAW trying to put the E back in WWE.

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Last Week: a fat Britsh Ricky who WASN'T Gervais (in fact, Gervais has turned himself into one slender bastard lately) hosted RAW, and THIS ruggedly-stout American Rick still doesn't recap recaps.

Santino Marella vs. Chavo Guerrero (Grudge Match)

Santino, doing a MUCH better job of pandering, enters while wearing a Rangers jersey (and what SEEMS to be full hockey pads underneath). The bell rings, and Santino suddenly asks for a break so he can remove said jersey.

Which reveals a NY Giants jersey. Aha, I see. Now, we fight?

No, we stop so Santino can remove the jersey. To reveal a Knicks jersey. BOO~! 1 win versus 9 losses will not win the Knicks any fans. Even in their home arena.

Then we move on to a Jets jersey (more boos).

Then it's a Mets jersey (mixed reaction).

Fans perk up, knowing there's only one left to go...

A PHILLIES' JERSEY. Oh, Santino, you lovable jerkface.

Santino gestures -- in the finest manner of gesturing known to man (Broadly) -- that he's just joshing, and then rips off that piece of Philadelphia garbage to pop the crowd like a bottle of freshly-shaken World Series champagne...

It's the Yankee's jersey (a Jeter #2, if you care; probably because both Damon and Matsui are now free agents and nobody actually likes A-Rod; nope, not even me; liking having him on my team? sure; but there IS a distinction, there).

A very annoyed Chavo decides not to wait for any more posing by Santino, and cheap-shots him. Then hits the Three Amigos suplex combo. Then he goes up for the frog splash, but he accidentally picks the wrong corner. He gets down, goes all the way around the ring, and ascends the opposite turnbuckle. This time, the camera catches Santino rolling away to the OTHER side again. Chavo gets down, goes up top, Santino rolls away again, as the crowd starts giggling uncontrollably as Chavo's frustration. Chavo tries and fails one more time, but when Santino rolls away and plays possum, Chavo jumps down from the top, sprints over to Santino (who is flat on his stomach pretending to be unconscious) and starts stomping his back.

Then Hornswoggle shows up. Then Chavo gets distracted. The Santino gets up and rolls him up from behind with a cheap schoolboy for the pin.

Your Winner: Santino Marella in about 3 minutes. But half of that was the Jersey Bit. And the other half was the Rolling Away and Playing Possum Bit. I'm sure the wankers and purists were vomiting in horror, but this was some big time harmless fun.

After the Match: As Santino celebrates, trombone-style, and Hornswoggle scurries back under the ring, DX's music starts up... so some kind of tease to lead us into a commercial? Nope, no ads. So was this some kind of on-the-fly "counter-programming" because Monday Night Football went to an ad, and Vince decided "to hell with pacing," and try to trap some eyeballs now, and put that ad break somewhere later? I dunno....

DX's Very Special 40-Year-Olds-Acting-Like-College-Frat-Boys- On-A-Show-Targeted-At-Elementary-School-Kids "Demographic Nightmare Theatre"

So...

DX hits the ring and first takes 3 minutes to tell us how tonight they are so totally not gonna be shilling their new book, which just so happens to be avaialbe at the 24-hours Borders that's right here in this very building. But see, by saying that, they DID shill the merch. SO EDGY~!

Then, it's time to move onto serious business. The "fat giant elephant in the room, and it's no, it's not Big Show." DX wants to discuss Survivor Series, where they know it's not DX vs. John Cena; it's Triple H vs. Shawn Michaels vs. John Cena. And their thesis is that no matter what people think: they understand what's at stake, they know what each other are capable of, and they're ready to beat the crap out of each other on Sunday and harbor no grudges, if that's what it takes.

But that said: they want us to make no mistake... before they get to the part where they fight for the title, they are still a unit with one agreed-upon goal: John Cena will not be the champion next Monday night. Come hell or high water, one of DX will be the WWE Champ, and the other will be happy for him. Maybe want to get a shot at that title, but happy for him nonetheless, because bonds of the type HHH/HBK share are strong enough to allow them battle to be the best while still being friends. Awwww.

I've been saying it for the past couple weeks, but I'd REALLY been hoping they would do something -- anything -- to ramp up the tension and drama among DX/Cena (and even just within DX). It was a chance to do some really nice "sustainably episodic" TV with a few twists/turns/red-herrings. Instead, they went over-the-top in another way: confirming that these guys are all friends who respect each other, and nobody will possibly ever in a million years turn heel. Makes for slightly LESS entertaining weekly TV, but it could make for a home run of a moment on Sunday night when one of them DOES turn. My hopes would ride with HHH (for marketing reasons, WWE won't "officially" turn Cena despite sometimes mutinous crowds, and turning HHH means (1) the end of DX before it wears out its welcome again and (2) HHH and Orton both as heels so there's ZERO chance of them falling into any more matches/feuds to bore us all to death; you might even start to think ahead and start to wish for a semi-return of Evolution once Rhodes/DiBiase split off, with Orton -- correctly -- repositioned as a lackey/underling rather than a channel-flip inducing black hole of gravitas). But we'll see.

Anyway, Survivor Series bidness now addressed, there's just one final matter DX wants to tend to: Hornswoggle. DX has tried to play nice, tried to do this through official channels, but Hornswoggle ain't listening... so DX wants Hornswoggle to come out from his lair, get in this ring, and talk this out. And if he can prove himself, maybe there's even a spot in DX for him.

So sure enough, here's Hornswoggle: suspicious at first, but increasingly spazzy and energitic as HHH assures him everything'll be alright. This leads to Hornswoggle jumping around crotch-chopping everything in sight for about 90 seconds while DX tries to coral him. They finally do, and HHH has a nice speech about how -- if you have the heart of a champion -- even the littlest man can have the biggest dreams come true. So, just to see how teh three look as a group, he orders Hornswoggle to fall into line.

With the three lined up in the middle of the ring, HHH begins the spiel... are you ready? Now, I said ARE YOU READY?... for the thousands blah blah blah and the millions blah blah blah... with Hornswoggle practically shivering in anticipation, we hit the big finish.... LET'S GET READY TO....

BEAT THE MIDGET~!

Boot to Hornswoggle's gut. Underhook the little guy's arms. Pause for about 30 seconds for HHH to showcase a grin that can only be classified as "shit-eating," which the live audience is vocally booing (huh?) and only a live minority seem to be joining in a "Do It, Do It" chant. After milking the moment:

PEDIGREE TO MIDGET~!

I, personally, enjoy random violence and carnage. The live audience: not so much. That's what WWE fricking gets, though, when they have a program watched by an audience with an average age of 38, but have spent the last year PURPOSELY watering it down to attract more 12-year-olds and families. I (may I include you, and make that "we") get a kick out of an obnoxious side show act getting pasted; kiddies don't, and their parents can't really approve, either. It's the ol' Catch-22, but in this case, it's a deal where WWE (quite stupidly and with nothing resembling common sense or logical thinking) dug the hole for themselves. And I get to say "I told you so." Several times. For the past year. Morons.

Then again: Shawn really did just stand around and not join in. [Hey, Jesus Boy, don't you born again preacher types go out of your way to point out that sins of omission are the same as sins of comission?] Was this not a case where WWE's LACK of forethought bit them on the ass with an unexpected fan reaction? But rather, a case where clever foreshadowing is prepping folks (at least, the kiddies and families) to start booing HHH again, come Sunday? I guess we can hope...

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Moments Ago: HHH beat a midget. I don't recap recaps. Shit that happened 3 minutes ago being replayed is lame and stupid, even if in this case, they seemed to be doing it so Michael Cole could bludgeon us over the head with a fresh take that Hornswoggle was acting obnoxious (really? NOW you decide to mention that aspect of his character?) and deserved it, so please, do not pay attention to those boos. So, uhhhh, maybe that WASN'T foreshadowing, then?

Video Package: Since we're here at the World's Most Famous Arena in New York City, WWE decided to go back and put together a montage of all the historical things to happen in that building. And of course, they just so happen to set it to a certain Alicia Keys (w/ Jay-Z) song that was crammed in your earholes eleventy billion times last month. Because (a) WWE knows a good thing when the Yankees think of it first, and (b) well, it really is pretty spot and and perfect for this package. I dug it. I'd even suggest it for youtubing, no matter how lapsed your fandom; it wasn't quite "Lonely Road of Faith" or anything, but there were some cool moments, and they were well-assembled. And plus, if you're anything like me, any chance Owen Hart pops up on your screen, you can't help but smile.

Backstage: Roddy Piper is enjoying a shrine to coconuts and fire extinguishers when Chris Jericho barges in and demands to be shown respect. Roddy responds by barely paying attention because he's too busy blowing his nose. Quite loudly. And sloppily. Piper suddenly perks up in the middle of one of Jericho's rants and announces, "Oh hey, I have something you might like. Cuz you're Chris and well...." Piper slips off-screen and comes back and says, "So here: say hi to Big Chris. See you're Chris and you're... well, you know... but he's Chris, too and he's big. Get it?" Jericho, of course, gets it, and is quite annoyed at having "it" re-explained to him in such patronized manner, and is about to slap Piper silly until Piper says to just hold that thought until Jericho sees what Big Chris can do.

At that point, Piper orders the music to start, and the new Black Eyed Peas song kicks in. And then, Masters' voluptuous manboobs begin twitching along with the beat. Oy. So: WWE found the one skill Chris F. Masters has ever mastered, and we're going to drive it into the ground. Even though said lone skill is really kind of creepy and uncomfortable to watch. Great. Once the song clip ends, the Bellas arrive to marvel hypnotically at CFM; then again, they seem the types to be distracted by shiny objects, too. Masters leads them away, and Piper goes up to Jericho, blows his nose sloppily into his hands again, says something about how he hopes Jericho enjoyed that, and then leaves after giving Jericho a manly and companionable open-hand smack on the shoulder.

Jericho, delving deep into his actor training (apparently, class was taught by Jack "Shifty Eyes" Black), successfully conveys the idea that he doesn't know which is grosser: that he may have just been drenched in swine-flu-infested Scot Snot, or Chris F. Masters oily pec jiggling display. It is a tough call...

At Ringside: oh my, what a coincidence.... the Black Eyed Peas are sitting at ringside, and have an album out that you might like to purchase. If it's going to give me flashbacks to CFM, I might just have to never hear the Black Eyed Peas again... sorry guys, you were one of the ones I was actually willing to tolerate, but this might be a deal breaker!

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Another Special Guest: we are introduced to our Guest Ring Announcer for the next match. We are told he is a former world champion, a goal tender for the Brazilian soccer team who once scored 50 goals in a game, a bad-ass kung fu fighter, and lots more... and then he comes out and it's.... Frank from "30 Rock." His real name is Judah Friedlander (or something close to that), and he's a stand-up comic who basically plays himself on the show: a fat dorky writer with a penchant for ironic hats and t-shirts. He also got a haircut and some personal hygeiene long enough to have a bit part in "The Wrestler," and is a genuine fan of WWE. NYC seems willing to tolerate him... at first.

Melina vs. Alicia Fox (Purple Vagina Title Match)

Frank intros Melina with great gusto (and appreciation). Then intros Alicia, who insists upon being RE-introduced as "The Next Diva Champion." Frank declines on the grounds that he doesn't see it happening since he really only came out here with two goals: (1) to watch Melina's entrance, and (2) to turn this into a Lumberjill Match. So he does, and 8 other women (conveniently enough, they are the other 8 in the cross-brand Survivor Series Elimination Match on Sunday!) hit ringside.

I will pause to say something: I have missed Mickie James' ass on Mondays. [And in fact, if the new G-rated policy has done one good thing, it might be that these 8 hit the ring with nary an improbable whore outfit to be seen. Just 8 chicks in variations on jeans-and-a-top. Except Gail Kim, who opted for leather pants. I shall graciously forgive her. All very tasty. Mickie especially, but bonus shout-outs to Beth and -- much to my own surprise -- Kelly Kelly, who seems to be taking quite nicely to not being a 19-year-old girl anymore, which is what she was when she debuted.]

Match was a big fat nothing. Alicia gets tossed out to the babyface 'jills who politely do nothing. Melina gets tossed out to the heels, and gets pounded on for 15 seconds until the face foursome make the save. Melina rallies and hits her flip powerbomb for the pinfall.

Your Winner: Melina, via pin, in 2 minutes flat. After the match, the heels of Team McCool try to attack Melina, but are easily repelled by the faces of Team Mickie. Then Frank announces the winner and tries to celebrate with Team Mickie, but by now is getting soundly booed for his troubles. Is this a problem where nobody realizes "30 Rock" is one of the three funniest shows on TV and should be watched by all? Or just that he's not Tina Fey? Or possibly, Tracey Morgan?

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Heeeeeeeeeeerrrrrre's Roddy.....

After some very amusing backstage skits, it's time to give Rowdy Roddy Piper a live mic. That can sometimes turn out to be a bit of a crapshoot, depending on how well prepped he's been. Let's find out how it goes, shall we?

Nice ovation and chants for Roddy, which he seems genuinely grateful for, noting that there ain't a damned thing wrong with being able to show up at MSG on a random Monday Night and know you're gonna get a standing-O every time. Then he got a little bit lost and rambly talking about his love for New York City...

Then he got back on track by saying another thing he loves is that only NYC would put up with him, cuz he really was a bastard back in the day, but he loved every second of it. He talks about how only a jerk would do what he did to Cyndi Lauper, and when a fan screams out "Do it again," Piper can't help but ad-lib that he would in a heartbeat. Then he moves onto the other guys he most-memorably feuded with at MSG: Captain Lou Albano, Andre the Giant, Bruno Sammartino, and Hulk Hogan (live crowd: "BOO~!"). Piper plays around with Hogan for a bit, riffing on the fact that the crowd apparently had no love for the Hulkster, before declaring that the lesson from the 80s is that "if you mess with the Hot Rod, you end up bald or dead." Crowd gasps a bit at first, but then decides that's pretty damned funny. Piper says it's alright, you can laugh, cuz underneath it all, he still loved those guys. "Well, the dead ones more than the balds ones, probably. But still...." HA~!

At this point, things get a bit off track and rambly again, and at one point, I even though Piper was looking at his hand, as if he jotted notes down... then he remembers: he's here because he wants one last match. And he wants it against Vince McMahon. Because if there's one person who did more terrible things than Piper himself, it's Vince. While trying to goad Vince out from the back, Piper even takes the time to re-tell the story of getting fired (in this very building) because he had the audacity to go on Bob Costas' HBO interview show. Wow; nice tie-in, but honestly, how many people even still remember that one?

Anyway, Vince finally does show up, and at this point, it's not so much "lost and rambly" as it is lame and juvenile. It's back and forth one-liners, with Vince exclusively ripping on Piper's physical appearance. Because that's Vince for you: he's a longtime subscriber to and aficianado of Male Bodybuilding Magazines, and Piper's a man who was never a specimen even at his peak. Man's got issues. Piper's jabs are more related to the various ways Vince is repugnant on the insides. Which is an entirely more valid line of criticism, but it's still just stilited and off the tracks and goes on for a bit too long.

There is one funny bit near the end where Piper says "I been in 7000 car wrecks and 30 professional fights, and...." and trails off as he and Vince share a giggle, and try to cover it up. Vince says "You done lost your mind." And Roddy gets it RIGHT BACK ON TRACK with a spot-on ramble: "Now see, that's where you wrong. I never had it to begin with. I'm insane, and you seen what I did over the years, and that's what you gotta worry about tonight when you look across the ring and see a crazy man ready to beat the tar out of you." Nice.

But Vince isn't in a fighting mood tonight. So he quickly runs down a list of his in-ring credentials, and who he's faced and beaten in the ring (Stone Cold, the Rock, Hogan, his own son-in-law Triple H, etc.). And, Male Physique Admirer that he is, Vince also opines that he looked better than each of them, to boot. He neglects to mention that is not -- and has never been -- subject to any testing or wellness policy. Tee hee. Anyway, Vince's point is that when you look at that list of fallen foes, Piper's not even in their league, and Vince isn't going to soil his hands with a broken down old man. To once and for all steal Roddy's thunder, he further announces that he'd like to take the moment on the MSG stage to announce his retirement from in-ring action. Thank you for the memories, and g'night everybody!

But Piper's not having any of that. He tries to goad McMahon one last time, by saying he doesn't care about "in-ring competition." He just wants one last fight. Because that's what men do when they have to settle their differences. And isn't Vince a man? "So no matter what you say now, I'm coming back out to this ring later tonight, and if you're a man, you'll be here, too. And when we're done, I'll make sure you're retired for good." Play Piper's music!

The two trade a few taunts as Piper retreats up the aisle, and all things considered, I'd mark this down as kind of a let-down segment. Only partly because Piper got off-track a few times, but mostly because it was ill-conceived... it forced Piper to predicate his shtick upon the idea that any of us really want to see a Piper/Vince match. I don't. It robbed him of his legend's sheen, and turned him into a deluded old man trying to sell us something we don't want to buy. All while Vince swept in with his own self-serving heel drivel to put himself over for his own amusement. It didn't add up to a BAD segment, really.... but once it anticlimaxed, it did feel like a WASTED one. Oh well...

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Next Week: it's a very special three-hour "RAW Thanksgiving." I thought the annual food fight was SmackDown's gimmick? Probably some cross-overs (especially coming on the heels of the cross-over Elimination Matches Sunday on Survivor Series). And we definitely know the guest host: Jesse "the Body" Ventura. Hmmmm... that could get interesting. Or it could just be Jess showing up to demonstrate that he's even better at off-track rambling than Piper was. I'll say one thing: I may have zero interest in a Piper/Vince match, but I'd kill to have a reunion of the Jesse/Vince commentary team. With no less than three dozen "Shut Up, McMahons!" peppered in throughout the night. Even back then as a clueless 10-year-old, I couldn't get enough of those; today, they'd be even more delicious.

Sheamus Has Friends in High Places

So: this Sheamus O'Shaughnessy guy. He was having a nice little run on ECW, establishing himself slowly and it was actually working. Then, out of nowhere, he got bumped up to RAW with no warning, and instead of working with a strong foundation, he's essentially having to start from the ground-up again. Go ahead and guess why WWE decided to do him this "favor"? Go ahead, I dare you...

If you guessed "Because he managed to weasel his way onto Triple H's good side," you win a shiny penny!

Anyway, the real crime is the guy is actually in possession of a bit of "It," and very well could still breakout. But I'd have thought it much more productive for him to stick on ECW at least through 'Mania and one or two signature feuds before just throwing him out on RAW where nobody cares about him.

And yes: nobody cares about him. End of story. Ending Jamie Noble's career two weeks ago and beating a jobber last week do not giving-a-shit make. They "essentially trying to re-do 2 months worth of now-useless work in ECW" make.

Sheamus hits the ring for a match, but in his pre-match spiel says he was unable to find an opponent, so he's just opening it up. Anybody. Just come on down and fight him. Nobody shows up. Because clearly, the ability to beat Jamie Noble and a jobber make him a terror to be reckoned with.

So Sheamus goes over and beats the crap out of the timekeeper guy (Mark Yeaton, I believe?)... then Jerry Lawler steps out from behind the desk to break it up, and gets the crap beat out of him for his troubles, ending with a boot-to-the-head. So, uhhh, mark it down: after next week, Sheamus will have beaten Jamie Noble, a jobber, and Jerry Lawler. Errrr: Three Jobbers. Isn't that the career path Chris Masters took?

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Waste of Goddamned Time: we get some "Moments Ago" of Sheamus taking out Lawler, and it's to set us up to meet his replacement... Matt Striker, from SmackDown, has stepped in (and gee, how lucky next week's 3-hour show will have a former commentator as Guest Host; maybe I should prepare for "Shut up, Cole!"?). Some extended hype and graphics about Survivor Series that accomplished zero. We already know what the matches are, tards, your focus should be on trying to get us to care!

Evan Bourne vs. Jack Swagger

Bourne hits the ring. Swagger's entrance gets halfway done. And then you remember that "lost" ad break when DX came out? Well, here it is, randomly appearing to gum up the works:

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Evan Bourne vs. Jack Swagger (For Real This Time)

Match is joined in progress, with the (alleged) story being that Swagger has been dominating Bourne with his superior size and power, keeping it on the mat. Now that we're back from commercials, though, Bourne can immediately begin firing up, hit a few high impact moves, and then get caught in mid-air by Swagger, tossed around a bit, and then powerbombed to finish it off.

Your Winner: Jack Swagger via pinfall, in under 2 minutes (or maybe closer to 4 if you try to guess how much happened during the ads). On a night where there's yet to be ANY meaningful wrestling, this certainly fell right in line with the running theme. Worthless, and a waste given what these two COULD do, but obviously, this was a timing issue more than anything. They got in and out, and DID manage to tell the story of Swagger being the biggest man in the Team Morrison vs. Team Miz match on Sunday, which could serve him well. Whee.

Backstage: Roddy Piper is WALKING~! But what's Vince up to?

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Roddy Piper vs. Nobody (A Very Special Randy Orton vs. Kofi Kingston Street Fight Match)

Piper's in the ring, in official Street Fight Gear: jeans and a t-shirt. If it's a street fight, you ALWAYS carpe the denim. Even if you insist upon bedazzlering it like Matt Hardy. Piper's also got a mic, and once again demands Vince show up if he's got a pair. But Vince ain't showing up. Somebody will, and I really wanted it to be Jericho, but I also knew Jericho had a match later and there was one guy who'd been thankfully absent all night, so sure enough...

Here's Randall Orton.

Well, to his credit: he regressed to a mid-carder two weeks ago. Last week, he regressed to mangling the English language by inventing the word "crinimal." And now this week, he's regressing to being "The Legend Killer"? Hey, ANYthing to get them to drop this gay-ass "Viper" crap. I mean, seriously, have any of you gone to WWE.com (ironically, of course) and read their RAW Recaps? It's like they took some weenis whose only writing credential is "Public Relations 101" and handed him the page of the thesaurus dedicated to snakes. It's so awful, you won't believe it.

Regardless: here's Orton, and he's... getting cheers? Oy. It's not all cheers, but it's a sizeable (and vocal) minority. Rather than letting Piper put some context into this match by talking about how Randy's not even half-as-good as his daddy was, and his daddy still never rose above being Hot Rod's lackey, it's ORTON who gets to talk. Slllllllooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwlllllllyyyyy. Because he can't go mangling a line two weeks in a row. Or can he? Jesus H. Lapdancing Christ, how is this allowed to happen by a company that supposedly DOESN'T want to antagonize its audience?

Orton has less-than-nothing to say. Honestly: distill it down, put it through Yahoo Babelfish (use the "mantard-to-English" setting), and Orton said "There's no reason for me to do so, but now I am going to fight you." Except his version took 7 minutes.

On top of that, Mr. Super Badass still starts off the fight by taking a cheap Pearl Harbor shot on the 60-year-old man. Piper lands exactly one (1) punch, then Orton commences beatdown. By which I mean: the most boring finishing move ever, The Garvin Stomp. OK, I hyperbolize. Nothing will ever be more boring than the good ol' bearhug, but it's close...

As Piper tries to stand back up after this lethargic ass whipping, he finds himself groggy and on all fours. Uh oh. The crowd knows what's coming. Orton gets in position for the dreaded Bootie Kick o' Doom. He gets a running start. He stops at random. He looks back up the aisle. He looks confused. He starts back towards Piper. He stops again. THIS is when Kofi Kingston's music starts, and Orton is "stunned" that somebody is running in to interrupt. STUNNED, I tells ya~!

Honestly, do fuck-ups just follow Orton around, or what? From his own inability to speak polysyllabic words or complete sentences, to situations like that incredibly botched finish to the main event at Backlash, to tonight, Orton is just like a giant black hole that alters spacetime in such a way that he sucks all incompetence into him at the speed of light.

Luckily, this is when it gets good:

Forget the screw-up, as Piper just powders out. Kofi with a high-energy start, and the brawl ends up in the crowd off on screen-left. When it tumbles BACK into the ringside area, Orton has regained control, and is stomping away. Methodically. But now, the crowd has been righted: Kofi's uber-likeability and flashy style got the crowd pulling for him and booing the crap out of Orton. Whatever vocal minority exists is now being drowned out by fans really buying into the New Kofi Kingston.

It's not going so good, and Striker makes a cool point about Piper getting off easy because Kofi was willing to come out and pay for Roddy's sins. But don't write the kid off yet! He rallies, and again takes the fight out to the crowd (this time off to screen-right)... and they don't just settle for the floor, they actually move into the stands and up towards the mezzanine. They work their way around to the spot below them is the production pit on the floor. Oooohh lookie: a table below that seems suspiciously devoid of any expensive equipment!

More back and forth brawling down on the floor, this time, with a half-dozen refs pulling the two men apart. A "Let them fight" chant. A huge pop when the refs pull Orton off, but then Kofi gets a running start and tackles the whole lot of them to re-start the brawl. They eventually end in the production area, near the tables, and Kofi lands the big blow of the fight: he takes one of those metal equipment case lids and whaps Orton in the skull. Looked like a convincingly stiff shot, and even though they didn't zoom in, I think I might have even spotted some blood. Somebody hit the panic button! That ain't TV-G!

With Orton KO'ed, Kofi lays him out on the barren table, and gets that look in his eyes. The crowd immediately knows what's coming, and can't wait for it. Kofi jumps back up into the stands. Kofi then climbs up on top of the railing above Orton. And then...

Kofi is forcefully pulled down by the refs. BOOOOOOO~~!~!~!! This has been -- like -- a 10 minute brawl. You GOTS to give us the sweet, sweet ending, you jerks! But Kofi is being led away by the refs; they have him surrounded. Or do they? Kofi shakes off the two refs holding his arms, head fakes the other two behind him, and sprints back to the spot above Orton's carcass, leaps up onto the railing, and....

BOOM~! Double legdrop from the railing through the table.

Oh yeah, MSG loved that. So did I. Ref's now decide they should check on poor, poor Randy. Kofi celebrates up in the stands, now in possession of a Breakthrough Moment to go along with his Breakthrough Promo of two weeks ago, where he suddenly forgot his was a flakey dude with a fake Jamaican accent. At this point, WWE's actually going to have to try to screw things up with this kid. The set-up was lacking, but the brawl was damned good, and the finish was awesome.

[ads]

Shilling: so, WWE's putting out a new Hulk Hogan 3-DVD set this week. You know, the Hulk Hogan who just invested in and took over TNA. And yet: the Hulk Hogan who is going to make more money for WWE than for TNA between now and the end of they year. Funny how things work out sometimes, eh?

Backstage: John Cena decides to cut a promo. Just like the last time I did this, it's a promo with a fairly obvious direction, and a simple way it could be done compellingly... but instead, Cena just goes all fakey and intense with his angry voice, while still underscoring his own fakeness by sliding in a Ghostbusters reference in said intense voice. I just don't get it. I really don't. Maybe this time, he knew NYC hated him, so he was TRYING to highlight all his shortcomings by acting like an extra-major toolbox... but I KNOW he wasn't when he did the same sort of promo back in Toronto. I think it's just the nature of the beast and the material he's handed. Oh well. Anyway, once he brings the lame around the bend and heading for home, he hits a final line about being glad to hear that DX are such good buddies, because come next Monday, they're each going to need a shoulder to cry one when they realize the champ... is... HERE. MSG says: Boo. I say: Yay, at least it's over!

Chris Jericho and Big Show vs. Commercial Interruption

JeriShow hits the ring, but we gotta hit some final....

[ads]

Chris Jericho and Big Show vs. Triple H and Shawn Michaels vs. John Cena and the Undertaker

Triple Threat tag rules are: three men in the ring at a time, and you're only allowed to tag your own partner Or at least: those are the rules THIS time.

From the get-go, this is just a string of loosely-linked crowd-pleasing spots. But done by pros and insanely fun. First trio is Jericho/Michaels/Cena, which quickly results in the requisite Jericho Is A Chickenshit moment, when he tags Show. Changes all around lead to HHH/Taker in, too, and after Show thinks he has an alliance with Taker, Taker shakes his head with pity, makes eye contact with Trips, and those two take out Big Show. Taker and HHH man up for a brief tussle, but Cena tags himself in (to major boos). While Show's still powdered out, those two try to recreate the magic they -- and only they -- are convinced ever existed in the first place. But when Cena gets a nominal advantage, HHH tags Michaels. In a nice moment to indicate the (temporary) end of DX, Michaels gets in the ring and makes a big show of taking off all his DX gear (wrist and head-bands). HBK's got a partner in this match, but that doesn't mean he's not his own man come Sunday.

That segment of the match comes to an end when Big Show lumbers back into the ring and does some house cleaning (including a fun double-chokeslam on HHH/Cena). We reset with Jericho thinking he's about to clean up the mess and win. Little bit of a heel beatdown to get some heat going, but then it's pretty much to End Game, with the crowd going nuts as everybody hit their big moves.

Jericho has a lionsault countered by HBK, but Jericho counters the counter by grabbing the legs he just landed on and turning it into the Walls. Taker plucks him off HBK. Cena blind-tags himself into the ring, but falls prety to HBK's Five Moves of Doom; well, four of 'em before he's interrupted during Band-Tuning, and Cena hits a Five Knuckle Shuffle. HHH blind tag and he hits a spinebuster and sets up a Pedigree on Cena, but is picked off by a spear from Big Show. Big Show eats Chin Music. HBK eats Codebreaker. Jericho eats Last Ride. Taker gets clotheslined out of the ring by HHH. HHH turns around and walks right into an F-U. One. Two. Three. It's over.

OR NOT~! Taker gets back into the ring, and Cena wants to celebrate with his partner. But Taker wants to Tombstone the ever loving crap out of that tool~! MSG loves it~! So do I~! Play Undertaker's music and let him celebrate to close out the night~!

Your Winners: John Cena and Undertaker via pinfall, in about 7-8 minutes. Way short on a night when in-ring wrestling was just non-existent. But still: way fun, too. With the unusual pairing of all six top signature stars in one match, and some of the crowd pleasing spots, this just felt like one of those "send 'em home happy" post-tapings dark matches we've all seen. Those things are short and fun, but damned if they don't work like a charm. Here, they just decided to bust that out at the end of a TV show for once, and it worked like a charm, too. I may have already been home, but now I was happier. The OMG Workrate was lacking, and the Entertainmenty bits had a few hiccups (Piper/Vince and the Hornswoggle thing both came off as pointless), but everything else was at least solid, sometimes hilarious (Santino), sometimes crazy intense (Kofi), and sometimes just-plain-fun (main event). Good deal.

There you have it, and now I'll go crawl back into my recappening hole for lord knows how long. Oh wait: I know how long... six days. Since I'll be on duty for Survivor Series, and that recap will be posted around midnight on Sunday for your enjoyment and edification.

As always, if you enjoy these wacky outbursts from The Rick when he gets all fired up and delivers 3-4 different columns/recaps for you in a week's time, you know the best way you can thank me is by dropping us a few bucks as a donation to keep this place running (and maybe to compensate me for my precious, precious time).

You really oughta think about helping us out. It's the only chance you have to shame me into writing more when all I REALLY want to be doing is watching, analyzing, re-watching, and day-dreaming about the 18th-ranked University of Dayton Flyers. If you don't already know, and even if you don't really care, you're gonna know soon. I have a feeling "Basketball Jesus" Christ Wright (and "Basketball Baby Jesus" Christ Johnson) are gonna be OWNING ESPN's Top Ten Plays for the next 4 months.

Don't want me spending my energy on the Flyers. It's gonna take cash, baby! You CAN make a difference! Act now! Supplies are limited! [Offer not valid if Dayton actually beats #5 Villanova after beating #21 Georgia Tech to advance to Sunday night's finals of the Puerto Rico Shoot-Out. It would literally take one meeeeeeeellion dollars for me to miss that!]

Even if the implausible were to happen, however, and I'd need to call in a replacement for Sunday, you'll still get your money's worth with a catch-up news column on Wednesday or Thursday. I will see you then, kids...

RAW SATIRE: RAW Loves the 80s

RAW RECAP: A Show-Stealing in Training

ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW: Smackdown in Brief

TNA: Turning Point 2009 PPV Preview

RAW SATIRE: The British Legend Rides Again!

ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW: ECW, 11/10

ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW: RAW, 11/09

OOTRR: Judgment Day 2004 Re-Revued

ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW: SmackDown, 11/06

ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW: ECW, 11/03

RAW SATIRE: Ozzy presents Mdhdh Nbbbl ROWLB

ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW: RAW, 11/02

ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW: SmackDown, 10/30

RAW SATIRE: It's Been Seven Years?

NEWSFLASH: Hulk Hogan "Taking Over" TNA?

ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW: ECW, 10/27

ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW: RAW, 10/26

PPV RECAP: WWE Bragging Rights 2009

ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW: SmackDown, 10/23

OOLD TYME: WWE Backlash 2004 Re-Revued

ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW: RAW, 10/18

ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW: SmackDown, 10/16

ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW: ECW, 10/13

TNA: Bound For Glory PPV Preview

OLD SCHOOL: Captain Lou Albano's Greatest Hits

RAW SATIRE: Moustache Rides for All!

ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW: RAW, 10/12

ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW: SmackDown, 10/09

PPV RECAP: WWE Hell in a Cell 2009

ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW: ECW, 10/06

RAW SATIRE: Innocent Until Proven Ben-ly!

ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW: RAW, 10/05

OO: News of Legends and Legal Moves

ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW: SmackDown 10th Anniversary

RAW SATIRE: RhodesCon ORANGE~!

ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW: RAW, 9/28

ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW: SmackDown, 9/25

RAW SATIRE: Need More Kool-Aid Man

ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW: ECW, 9/22

ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW: RAW, 9/21

NEWSFLASH: Jeff Hardy Arrested on Drug Charges

ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW: SmackDown, 9/18

RAW SATIRE: Serious Business

ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW: ECW, 9/15

RAW RECAP: Trish and The Rick: Back, Together!

PPV RECAP: WWE Breaking Point 2009

OO: Breaking Point, Trish is Back, Lots More

OO: What I'll Remember About Chris Benoit

NEWS CENTRAL: All Updates About Benoit Tragedy

E-MAIL RICK SCAIA
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Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH. He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.