Your commentators are Michael Cole and Tazz

Opening Match: Rey Mysterio and Rob Van Dam vs. The Dudley Boyz
 

The Dudleyz make frequent tags to quickly make RVD your high-flyer-in-peril. RVD makes a recovery and ends up clearing the ring of both Dudleyz. RVD then does a somersault plancha on Bubba, which is followed by Rey diving onto D-Von. RVD hits D-Von with a spinning heel kick, but when he goes for Rolling Thunder, Bubba grabs him. Heel miscommunication leads to D-Von knocking Bubba off the apron. RVD runs to the ropes, but Bubba pulls the top rope down, causing RVD to fall to the floor. Bubba then attacks RVD on the floor. Back inside, the Dudleyz continue the assault on RVD. RVD manages to trip Bubba and then tumbles over to Rey to make the hot tag. Making his first official appearance in the match, Rey takes it to both Dudleyz. A crossbody on Bubba gets 2. Rey dropkicks Bubba and goes for the 619, but D-Von trips him. Rey recovers and tries to jump onto Bubba, but he catches him and drops him across the top rope. D-Von legdrops Rey and gets a nearfall. Bubba gets tagged in and begins to slap Rey around, which draws some sufficient heel heat. Rey stops the attack by hitting Bubba with a bulldog. Rey crawls over and tags RVD, but the referee won’t allow it because he didn’t see it. Now the Dudleyz go back on the attack on Rey. A spinebuster by Bubba gets a 2 count because RVD comes in and breaks up the cover. Bubba puts Rey in a tree of woe and slaps him around some more. Still hung up, Rey is able to grab Bubba’s head and slam him to the mat in unconvincing fashion. Rey escapes, hits Bubba with a moonsault and gets a nearfall. Finally, Rey tags RVD, who comes in and displays some fancy footwork against both Dudleyz. RVD hits Rolling Thunder and covers, but Bubba breaks it up. All four men in now. Bubba backdrops Rey out of the ring and then knocks down RVD. The Dudleyz try the Wassup Drop, but Rey crotches D-Von. RVD kicks Bubba into the corner and then Rey gives him the Bronco Buster. RVD launches Rey, who hits D-Von with a top rope hurricanrana. RVD covers, but moves when Bubba tries to break it up. Bubba shoves RVD down and then prepares for the 3D, but RVD is back up and kicks him. Rey dropkicks D-Von next to Bubba and then gives both of them the 619. RVD hits D-Von with the five star frog splash and covers to score the pinfall.

Bottom Line: A solid tag team affair that really picked up near the end. The Dudleyz always know how to put on a fundamental tag team match. And Rey is always reliable as a sympathetic babyface. There was nothing radically new here, but the crowd still ate it up which is always the mark of a good opener. ***

- Josh Matthews says he’s going into Booker T’s lockerroom to talk to him, now that the strange noises have subsided. Strange noises or not, I don’t think it’s ever right to just barge into someone’s lockerroom. Josh does anyways and gets chastised by Booker. But then he still takes time to tell him he’s a bigger star than the Undertaker. And to prove that, he shows Josh his bag of bones. No, not Michelle McCool. Rather, some actual bones and dirt a voodoo lady gave him to help combat the Undertaker’s mojo. Yeah, that sounds like it should work.

- Now we’re being treated by a visit from the new Smackdown General Manager, Kurt Angle, who’s being carted out by Luther Reigns. Angle, confined to a wheelchair, (by the way, how many Smackdown GMs are going to use the wheelchair angle?) thanks to the Big Show, comes out in a box that hydraulically lifts him high up. Angle gets on the mic and verbally cuts down the LA crowd, particularly for their love of Eddie Guerrero. He then brings out the person he feels is responsible for him being in the wheelchair; Torrie Wilson. He tells her that she had to win her match or else he’ll fire her. That transitions us into…

Torrie Wilson vs. Dawn Marie

I guess this is their feeble attempt to make this tired matchup seem important. The two lockup, but it goes nowhere. Props to the fan with the ‘DUD’ sign in the crowd. A snapmare and dropkick by Torrie gets 2. Torrie clotheslines Dawn twice. She then goes for a flying bodypress, but misses. Dawn begins kicking away at Torrie. Dawn drapes Torrie across the apron and then drops an elbow on her. As Torrie tries to get back into the ring, Dawn baseball slides into her. She then legdrops Torrie on the floor. Back inside, Dawn puts Torrie in a chinlock. Torrie starts to comeback and hits a neckbreaker for 2. Torrie boots Dawn and then does a sunset flip for another nearfall. Torrie rolls up Dawn and tries to hook the tights, but Dawn’s pants rip and we’ve got a wardrobe malfunction on our hands. A facebuster by Dawn gets 2. Torrie recovers and gets Dawn in a backslide for 3. Torrie keeps her job. Yay?

BL: This was turning into a pretty lousy affair until Dawn literally starting coming apart at the seams. I’m not saying it really improved the match, but it at least gave me a reason to momentarily pay attention. But now that it’s over, I can go back to not caring. ¼ *

- John ‘Bradshaw’ Layfield speaks from his posh lockerroom about the pathetic people across the country that are just like Eddie Guerrero. You know he wanted to say ‘lazy Mexicans’ here, but political correctness prevented that. He says that he wants to win the title tonight for ‘JBL’s America’. I guess you could say he’s trying to create a ‘champs for clunkers’ program.

Scotty 2 Hotty vs. Mordecai

This is Mordecai’s debut. If you don’t remember Mordecai’s brief tenure, he was designed as an anti-Undertaker. He delved into the supernatural, but he was dressed all in white. Mordecai would eventually become Kevin Thorne, if you didn’t know. He immediately picks up Scotty and slams him to the mat. He then rams’ Scotty’s shoulder into the post. With Scotty still lying against the post, Mordecai puts him in a modified crossface. Mordecai boots Scotty in the head as he lies against the ropes. Scotty tries to mount a comeback with a stiff kick to the face. Scotty sets Mordecai up for the Worm, but as he poses for the crowd, Mordecai drops him against the second rope. Mordecai hits Scotty with the Razor’s Edge (which prompts a fan in the front row to do the Scott Hall ‘me me me’ taunt. Nice!) That’s enough to give Mordecai the win.

BL: A squash plain and simple. And if you expected anything else, you’re a moron. Mordecai displayed some ok power moves, but clearly didn’t click with the crowd. Now Mordecai is nothing more than a Wrestlecrap foot note. ¾ *

- Jacqueline comes into the lockerroom of Chavo and Chavo Classic. She presents Chavo with a gift that she thinks he might need after tonight; a pink bra and panties. She figures that if he loses to a girl, he might as well begin dressing like one. Chavo throws the garments down and begins to tell her off. As he yells at her, Chavo Classic begins checking out the bra and panties. Chavo finally spots what he’s doing and yells at him. Now there was a character that was gone with comedic potential left untapped.

WWE Tag Team Championship Match: Charlie Haas and Rico (champs) vs. Hardcore Holly and Billy Gunn

What horrible crime did I commit to deserve this punishment? I believe this is the main event in the third circle of hell. With Rico set to start for his team, Gunn and Holly argue over who will start for their team. Rico helps them out by grabbing each of their asses. They continue to argue, so Haas tags in. Now they both want to start. Someone just get in there so we can get this over with. Haas and Holly begin to engage in some mat wrestling, which Haas wins. That frustrates Holly. With Holly in an armbar, Rico tags himself in. He grabs Holly from behind and gyrates. That causes Holly to flee and tag Gunn. Gunn doesn’t care for Rico’s antics, which seems like a case of the pot calling the kettle black. I mean, he still wears tights with kisses on them for god’s sake. Gunn backs Rico into a corner and blows him a kiss. Now he trips Gunn and begins to ride him. This match would be playing a lot different if this was in the deep south instead of LA. Haas comes in, so Gunn decks him. He then goes outside and blindly punches Rico. With the referee distracted Holly clotheslines Haas from behind. Things settle down as the heels begin to attack Haas. A dropkick by Holly gets a nearfall on Haas. The beatdown of Haas continues without much reaction coming from the fans. Holly tries a move from the top rope, but Haas boots him as he was coming down. Both men tag and Rico takes it to Gunn. Gunn whips Rico and then hits him with the Fameasser, but Rico had made a blind tag. Haas comes in and gives Gunn a German suplex. Holly tags in and goes for the Alabama Slam on Haas, but Rico superkicks him. Haas turns that into a pinning combination and keeps him down for 3.

BL: You readers are lucky I’m committed to giving you quality reviews, because I would have been just fine never havng to see that match again. The idea of Gunn and Holly as a tag team in a PPV match is terrible as it is. But then to add Rico’s unfunny homophobia gimmick in there as well just makes it all the worse. Poor Haas though. While Shelton Benjamin is getting wins over HHH on RAW, he’s stuck with this dead end team. This was just all around painful. -**

- The Undertaker and Paul Bearer, apparently in the smoker’s lounge of the arena, tell Booker that this is his judgment day. In all that time away, Paul Bearer couldn’t come up with any new material?

WWE Cruiserweight Championship Match: Jacqueline (champ) vs. Chavo Guerrero

Chavo had issued an open challenge, which Jacqueline had accepted and ended up winning the title. Confident it was a fluke, Chavo has asked for a rematch and says he’ll beat her with one arm tied behind his back. Chavo kicks Jacqueline and then throws her into the corner. He picks her up with his free arm and delivers a backbreaker. Jacqueline recovers and delivers a legscissors that sends him into the post. She hops onto his back and applies a sleeper, but he backs up to the corner to get free. A series of kicks by Jacqueline give her a nearfall. Chavo Classic gets on the apron, but Jacqueline dropkicks him off. That allows Chavo to clothesline her from behind. Jacqueline gets a lowblow in behind the referee’s back and puts Chavo in a sunset flip for 2. With the referee distracted, Chavo Classic unties Chavo. Chavo Classic then distracts the referee long enough for Chavo to attack her with both hands. It culminates with Chavo hitting her with a Gory Bomb and pinning her for the win. New champion!

Postmatch: Chavo gets on the mic and says no one can laugh at him anymore now that he’s champ again. That seems like a setup to a punchline that never comes. Chavo Classic then kicks Jacqueline for good measure.

BL: Another case of foregone conclusion theater. Giving Chavo the title back was the right move, but I would have preferred if they would have had him do all this on Smackdown and then have him fight a legitimate contender on the PPV. This might have all worked better with a different diva, because no one has cared about Jacqueline since ’98. As for the action, there wasn’t a whole lot here. A waste all around. *

WWE United States Championship Match: John Cena (champ) vs. Rene Dupree

Dupree came over in the draft and was repackaged as a snooty Frenchman and built up as a singles wrestler. Of course, Cena has decided he’s going to be the next defender of all things American now that he’s the US champ, so of course, he has a problem with him. Cena comes out and cuts his shitty promo, but I guess something was needed to wake up the crowd after that string of lousy matches. They lockup, but Cena quickly turns to fisticuffs and Dupree flees. Cena charges and Dupree boots him. Cena quickly recovers and goes back to work on him. Cena tries to clothesline Dupree over the top rope, but Dupree blows the spot. On the floor, Dupree pulls Cena into the post. Back inside, Dupree begins to work over the back and neck of Cena. Cena whips Dupree to the corner and he falls to the apron. Cena tries for a bodypress, but Dupree ducks and Cena falls to the floor. A backbreaker by Dupree gets 2. Now he puts Cena in a bearhug to the delight of no one. A jawjacker by Cena allows him to escape. Cena slugs away and then clothesline him. A sidewalk slam leads into Cena doing the five knuckle shuffle, but Dupree avoids it. He then drops Cena with a spinebuster. Now he does the French Tickler, but Cena moves out of the way. Cena tries something off the second rope, but Dupree kicks him and then delivers a DDT. Both men unsuccessfully try a number of moves until Dupree finally hits a neckbreaker. That gets 2. Cena blocks a powerbomb attempt and pins him for 2. Now Cena gets a backslide for another nearfall. Cena catches Dupreee with the FU and that is the move that finally gives him the win.

BL: This was not as bad as it could have been, but still not great. I think it needed more time to develop, but had it been longer, there probably would have been more opportunity for Dupree to blow moves. Dupree kept his offense basic, which is fine, but didn’t instill confidence in me that he’s the next big star. At least we finally had a match that the crowd cared about. ** ½

- A promo tells me that Kenzo Suzuki is coming. Consider me forewarned!

The Undertaker vs. Booker T

After coming over via trade in the fallout of the draft, Booker began boasting that he was a megastar, better than everyone else on the roster. Taker apparently took exception to this and thus a feud was made. Sadly, things got really dumb as we saw Booker visit a voodoo woman and begin doing some black magic as a way to prepare for this match. By the way, let me just take a second to mention how annoying it is when Michael Cole stresses how this is a ‘rare appearance’ by the Undertaker. First of all, it’s not that rare. Secondly, it doesn’t make the appearance anymore special. And finally, all that does is make me think Taker is lazy, who occasionally deems us worthy of his presence. So dumb. Anyways, the match begins with a lockup won by Booker. Booker shoves Taker, so Taker shoves him into the corner. Booker grabs his little bag to give him some power. Booker goes on offense, but it’s no sold by Taker. Taker beats down Booker and works on his arm. Taker hits a sidewalk slam and a legdrop. That gets 2. Taker clothesline Booker to the floor. As he tries to bring him back in, Booker drops Taker across the top rope. A missile dropkick by Booker gets a nearfall. Now Booker wears down Taker with some right hands. Taker comes back with a big clothesline. He follows that up with Old School. Taker goes for the Last Ride, but Booker escapes. However, during his escape, Booker collided with the referee. Booker grabs his magic bag and throws dust in Taker’s eyes. Taker actually no sells that. Taker goes for a big boot in the corner, but Booker moves out of the way. Booker now begins to work over that injured left leg, including ramming it into the post and the steps. A spinning leg kick by Booker gets 2. Taker tries to come back, but Booker delivers the scissors kick. That gets a nearfall. Taker sits up and boots Booker. He follows that up with a chokeslam. Taker delivers the Tombstone and that’s all she wrote for Booker.

BL: A pretty disappointing outing here. Taker gave Booker nothing here. And with Smackdown’s roster already weak and Taker only making ‘rare’ appearances, they really could have used to put Booker over strong here. The crowd enjoyed this, but it was more for Taker’s actions, not because it was a good, even match. I felt like we were back in the Invasion days here. ** ¾

WWE Championship Match: Eddie Guerrero (champ) vs. John ‘Bradshaw’ Layfield

This was a major risk, as JBL was clearly unproven as a main eventer. Having just developed this character shortly after Wrestlemania, he was put in this title match after Kurt Angle determined him to be the greatest American. From a storyline perspective the build was going fine until they went with the unnecessary melodrama involving JBL causing Eddie’s mom to have a heart attack. As dumb as it was, it gave Eddie plenty of motivation to want to beat up JBL here. JBL comes out and cuts an anti-Mexican promo to ensure he has plenty of heat on him in this match. Eddie stares at JBL for the longest time before charging and punching away on him. The fight spills outside where Eddie remains on the offensive. Eddie throws JBL onto the Spanish announce table and then chokes him with a cable. JBL tries to leave, but Eddie attacks him in the aisle. Back inside, Eddie stomps on JBL’s face. They go back outside and JBL finally gets some offense by throwing Eddie into the steps. In the ring, JBL drops Eddie with a big boot. That gets 2. JBL slows things down with a headlock. Eddie eventually escapes and delivers a couple of armdrags to JBL. He escapes to the floor, but Eddie launches himself over the top rope onto him. JBL catches Eddie and delivers a fallaway slam on the floor. Eddie charges at JBL, who backdrops him onto the Spanish announce table, which doesn’t break. Back inside, a neckbreaker by JBL gets 2. A slugfest is won by Eddie, but then JBL backdrops him. That gets a nearfall. Now JBL locks on a bearhug. Eddie gives JBL some rough turnbuckle treatment. Eddie dropkicks him and then delivers two of his Three Amigos. JBL goes for the Clothesline from Hell, but Eddie ducks. He goes for a powerbomb, but Eddie escapes that too. Eddie runs to the ropes and accidentally knocks down the referee. Eddie dumps JBL to the floor and then tries to wake the referee up. Outside, Eddie grabs JBL and throws him across the announce table. Eddie goes over to him and JBL blasts him with a chairshot. Eddie is immediately a bloody mess from that shot. With Eddie just pouring blood, JBL hits him with the steps. JBL brings Eddie back inside and hits him with the Clothesline from Hell. JBL covers, but the referee is still down. A second referee comes in and counts, but Eddie somehow kicks out at 2 ¾. JBL goes for another Clothesline from Hell, but Eddie ducks and JBL hits the referee instead. JBL powerbombs Eddie and covers. The first referee counts and Eddie kicks out again. JBL puts Eddie in a sleeper and the blood is still pouring from Eddie’s face. Eddie escapes the hold with a back suplex. Somehow Eddie is getting a second wind. JBL tries for a fallaway slam, but Eddie reverses it into a DDT. Eddie goes for the frog splash, but JBL moves out of the way. JBL goes outside and grabs the belt and a chair. He throws the chair into the ring, which the referee grabs and throws out of the ring. As he does this, JBL tries to use the belt. Eddie kicks him and takes the belt. He then nails him with the belt right in front of the referee, which draws a disqualification. Boo!

Postmatch: Eddie continues his assault on JBL, which includes another belt shot and a pair of chairshots. That bloodies JBL. Eddie puts the exclamation point on things with a frog splash. Referees then have to drag JBL out of the ring. Not satisfied, Eddie runs down and attacks him in the aisle. Finally, agents and referees pull them apart to end this wild brawl.

BL: It’s really weird to see this match now because at that point, most were still not convinced JBL belonged in the main event. Now this looks like a worthy main event with two guys pulling out all the stops. I do not condone risking serious injury like Eddie did, but his crimsom mask certainly added to the intensity of this match. As odd as it may sound, I’m not sure if we’ve had a main event blood feud since this, that was this good. The crowd was super into this and I enjoyed it a lot as well. Kudos to Eddie for overcoming a major hurdle by facing a green main eventer and still delivering an excellent main event. ****

Final Thoughts: No one would have guessed it then, but the main event saved this show. I still won’t recommend the show as a whole because everything else is pretty much downright awful here, but the final match gave us what every main event should. Two guys displaying true hatred towards each other and doing everything possible to entertain the crowd. You should definitely skip this show (the less said about it, the better) but somehow watch the main event if you haven’t already. It’s not only entertaining, but also historic as it marked the beginning of JBL’s ascension to becoming a legit main eventer.

Next time, we try to figure out how losing in the past two main events somehow earned HHH and HBK top billing over world champion Chris Benoit.

Until then, thanks for stopping by the OOld Tyme Rasslin Revue.