You folks already knew you were in for the returns of Trish Stratus and Batista on Monday night... what you didn't know (at least, not with certainty) is that I, The Rick, would also be back. Dusting off the ol' Recappening Chops to kick it like it's 2006. Complete with a level of detail and commentary that makes this the exact opposite of All You Need To Know.  
 

Opening Theme/Pyro/Etc., and we're live in Toronto, ONT, Canada for RAW. Lilian Garcia is mid-ring and is all fired up to introduce us to a very special returning star, and I'm getting all tingly, and then Batista's music starts, and let's just say: I'm disappointed that we're already wasting time NOT meeting our Guest Host for the night.

Batista's Swerve o' the Century Theatre

So, despite the fact that Batista is -- in my humble estimation -- the lesser of tonight's "returning stars," he's the one who gets to open the show. He's wearing a ridiculous Borg-style mechanical appendage on his left arm, and yet, his left arm looks just as large as his right, as if he's been able to work them both out the same way. Which is to say: both look unrealistically large and bulgy and veiny. Just the way Vince likes his men.

Batista opens by thanking the fans for everything, and quickly recapping what a shitty year it's been for him in terms of injuries. He's glad to be back in front of "all you RAW fans," but is sad to report that it's the last time he'll be there, and he's here tonight to say "goodbye." Crowd voices mild displeasure at this, and gives a mild "Bah Teest Uh, Bah Teest Uh" chant. Batista looks almost choked up, but decides to forge on with his Farewell Address...

Only to be interrupted by Young Randall Orton. After a 17 minute stroll down to ringside, he gets to the ring, and (I am NOT making this up; check your replay, and get s stopwatch and fact check me) opens his promo by taking exactly 32 seconds to speak the sentence "I..... am not.... very.... happy... about losing.... the.... WWE Title.... last night." Jesus H. Lapdancing Christ: if I had to condense everything that sucks about Orton and what makes him the least-watchable major WWE star since Lex Luger's unfathomable mid-90s push, this 30 seconds would be it. Show that to somebody, and they instantly grasp the concept that this man has no fucking business being on television when he's demonstrably less interesting and compelling than any dipshit you'd meet in the check-out line at Kroger.

And he sucks in slow motion on top of that. Just awful. There's a reason why I avoid Dipshits At Kroger by using the "check-yourself-out line." If you're not gonna sack Orton, WWE, can you at least install a "U-Scan Express" lane for me?

Orton then goes on a slightly-quicker paced rant (speaking one sentence every 15 seconds, or so) about how what does cheer him up is the fact that Batista is retiring, and he (Orton) can take credit for it. But then when Orton's good cheer causes Batista to start smiling, Orton is confused. "What? You're happy about this? You think this is funny?"

But no: Batista's purported retirement isn't funny. "No, Randy, what's funny is that you're so predictable. And that I know something you don't." Batista then removes his Borg Implant and clotheslines Orton out of the ring. Orton slinks away, as Batista grabs a mic. "My announcement isn't that I'm retiring. It's that I'm not left-handed." Err, wait.... I'm thinking of something else. Batista's announcement is that he isn't retiring; he's jumping over to SmackDown.

D'oh. So *this* is Vince's idea to "save" a show that's already 18 times better than RAW now that Jeff Hardy's going to jail and Rey Mysterio is acting like a moron? Sending a giant load like Batista over to Fridays to piss me off? Great.

Batista continues: "But before I go, I have one last match on RAW. Tonight. Against you." Cheers for this, as Orton does his best to convey confusion. Which, to be honest, he does perfectly well. It just comes naturally to that mantard. Play Batista's music, and our opening segment is over....

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Moments Ago: I was watching the show. So quit fucking wasting my time with 3 minute recaps of something that happened 3 minutes ago. I'm not mentally enfeebled and I don't have ADD. Entertain me, dammit.

Trish Stratus Does Have One Weakness

Once again, close in on Lilian, who once again gets all excited to introduce us to a returning star. And this one is the Diva of the Decade and the Only 7-Time Women's Champion in WWE History... it's Trish Stratus.

Trish hits the top of the stage, sporting her new brunette look and tight pants. Me likey. She says she's happy to be back, not just in her hometown, and here on RAW. She talks about recent guest hosts ("My favorite part about last week was when Bob Barker almost made Chris Jericho cry".... ahhhh, you crazy kids!), and says she thinks she'll be able to stack up pretty well. In that tube top, honey, there is no doubt about your stackedness.

Sadly, after this opening PreRamble from Trish, she reverts to being an Expository Tool For The Writer Monkeys, trying to make it sound like she, personally, booked the Batista/Orton main event, and further has to figure out some way to convincingly book the main event of the next PPV, which is Cena vs. Orton in a Hell in the Cell Match. Just wooden and stilted. It falls outside of Trish's legitimate authority, and there was no real way to tie it into her duties for tonight, but she still had to go out there and try to sell it, on the grounds that she's the first GM after a PPV and gets stuck presiding over setting up the NEXT PPV line-up.

Oh well: nobody's perfect. Trish is good, but even she can't polish a turd when the writer's hand her such a ham-handed monologue.

After an underwhleming start to her night as our Guest Host, Trish does, however, assure us she knows what we all really want. [Uhh, no you don't. Unless you are a filthy, filthy woman.] We want action. So let's get a match in that ring right now! Trish departs as ring introductions begin....

Kofi Kingston and Primo Colon vs. Jack Swagger and The Miz

These two had a match last week on Superstars that I classified as "a tease." Because it was about 5 minutes long, and just a taste of what these four could deliver if given the chance. So how do they follow up on that, now on the RAW Stage? By going 3 minutes.

D'oh.

Mini-Face-in-Peril segment by Primo. Hot tag to Kofi at 2 minutes. House o' Fire routine on Swagger. Then Miz goes and grabs Kofi's US Title belt, which distracts Kofi, which allows Swagger to hit his sit-out Powerbomb for the win. That's it.

Your Winners: Jack Swagger and The Miz, via pinfall in 3 minutes. If last week's match was a tease, then what the hell was this one? I mean, other than a colossal disappointment? I guess, storyline-wise, it does set up Kofi's near-term future, as he just got pinned by Swagger, while Miz is in physical possession of the title belt, so that's cool (it even gives us a potentially cool ancillary issue of Swagger vs. Miz to work with, if WWE feels like spraining its brain to do a multi-layered angle). But still....

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Gail Kim vs. Alicia Fox (#1 Contender's Match)

Mickie James comes out to do guest commentary... if you're wondering why she's been out of action for a bit and is once again not wrestling tonight: she had to have a popped bOObie fixed. After careful examination, I can at least report that after the replacement, they still both match. Mickie's actually got a few cool lines, mixing the jokes with the serious assessment of potential challengers. But she's also the anti-Maryse in terms of guest commentary: you remember when Maryse was doing this a few times before her injury? She barely speaks English, and had a hard time doing much more other than saying pre-planned bitchy one-liners, and yet: I couldn't help but love it, because she's got this really awesome laugh that will lower the IQ of any male within its radius... here, Mickie's saying cool stuff, and then ruining it with a lot of cloying Fake Laughing (mostly to make Lawler feel good, I think). D'oh.

Match wasn't much to speak of. They didn't even try to play up the fact that Gail's also from Toronto, and the live crowd wasn't into it. Gail looked sharp, though, hitting a few big moves, including a sweet springboard bodypress. But when she pressed her luck and went up top again, she whiffed on a missile dropkick, and Alicia followed up with a Booker T style Ask Kick.

Your Winner: Alicia Fox, via pinfall in about 4 minutes. Gail looked good. Alicia didn't screw anything up, but I still can't get all that fired up about her in a title match, other than the fact that Mickie's been absent for a bit, and can use crushing Alicia in short order as a nice re-establishing comeback match, before she moves onto something substantial.

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Months Ago: Orton did something to Batista and Batista had to get surgery. Perhaps a bit more relevant than what happened Moments Ago, but I still don't recap recaps. Not when I already watched what already happened and still don't have ADD.

Backstage: Trish Stratus is about to enjoy a lovely beverage when Beth Phoenix approaches and begins whining about Trish doing a #1 Contender's Match without putting the Glamazon in it. Trish just barely starts responding when we get another interruptor: Chris Jericho.

Jericho pops in and after a quick Seinfeld/Newman style greeting with Trish, tells Beth "Don't get her started, Beth. You give her a chance to talk about herself, and she won't shut up. We've only got a two hour show." Trish smirks. Jericho continues: "So Trish, I couldn't help but notice you were back here for all of 30 seconds earlier tonight when you decided to mention me." No smirk this time, but Trish shrugs. Jericho turns to Beth: "You see, a few years ago, Trish was madly in love with me, and she couldn't deal with it when I told her to hit the bricks. But it's good to know she still can't stop thinking about me."

Now Trish is mildly annoyed: "You go ahead and tell yourself that if it helps you get through your long and lonely nights, there, Chris. All I see is a man who's gotten all bitter and serious and angry since I dumped him." Now Jericho smirks. We continue, "But I thought you'd be over that by now. I thought you might even be happy. I mean, I'm watching you, and it's clear to me you've found your new soulmate. You and Big Show are so KEWT together. I can just see you cuddling and holding hands. It's adorable. I'm so happy for you."

Now BETH is mildly annoyed: "Alright, you two crazy kids just stop it. Wrestling is serious business, and I'm still pissed off that I'm not wrestling tonight, and I think it's because you're scared, Trish. You're scared to give me a chance, because some day I'll be bigger than you ever were. Lord knows you already retired just when I debuted because you were scared to even face me."

Trish: "Really? I retired to avoid facing you? Tell you what, then.... I'm here. You're here. Why don't I face you tonight? Yeah, that's right. Tonight, I'm wrestling you." Turning to Jericho: "And I'm wrestling you, too, Junior. That's right: mixed tag. I'll go find myself a partner, and we'll have ourselves a little match." Beth and Jericho think that sounds just dandy and leave.

Trish finally gets a chance to turn her attention to her lovely beverage, but is once again interrupted just before sipping may commence. Because Jericho is back, and in a deadly serious voice that has to be heard to be believed, informs her "Just so you know: I'll face Bob Barker any time, any place, any where." Jericho leaves again, and Trish can't help but smile at this Important Revelation.

End scene. It was only 3 minutes, but it was a reminder of back in the day when WWE (and more often than not Jericho and Trish working together) could poop out entertaining 3 minute throw-away bits every week. These days, they deliver something like this, and it's not a throwaway bit: it's just about the funnest thing on the show. I don't know whether that makes me happy or sad. I'll go with happy, since this was Trish back to being awesome, instead of stinking it up like her previous ham-handed speech. Put her in her element, and she still rules.

Hours Ago: Legacy beat DX on a PPV. I was watching. I don't have ADD. I don't recap recaps. Why are we wasting time on a video package that ISN'T EVEN A VIDEO PACKAGE? It's just 90 seconds of still photos. You're telling me Lawler and Cole couldn't just explain the basic backstory while something else is happening in the ring? Jesus. Watching RAW without serious FF/time-shift assistance for the first time in forever (so I can provide you, Constant Reader, with Three Times More Than You Need To Know) is really opening my eyes to how much wasted time and filler there is in any given 2 hours of WWE TV.

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Shawn Michaels vs. Ted DiBiase

DiBiase enters first, and is flanked by Cody Rhodes. And Cody decides he just has to regale us with a pre-match promo. He again underscores the fact that they won the PPV match last night against DX (so we don't even need Lawler/Cole to tell that story; Cody was gonna do it, anyway; so why the Photo Still Package, WWE? can you even begin to defend that?). The thrust of the promo is that Legacy did something that nobody else ever has: make DX submit. Ummm: no, you made Shawn Michaels submit. Something that has been done many times, schmucks.

And holy shit: what is up with Ted DiBiase's ear? Get that checked out, son.

I'm bored, let's get this match started.... they finally wrap up (DiBiase hits a punchline about how they are no longer the sons of legends, Dusty Rhodes and the Million Dollar Man are now the fathers of superstars), and it's time to get it on. It's time for.....

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Shawn Michaels vs. Ted DiBiase (for real, this time)

Michaels enters, and is flanked by Triple H, so I think we all know roughly how this one is gonna end.

Fast start for Michaels, but even as he's hitting solid offense, he's selling a lingering neck/back injury from the night before. The pauses between moves is finally enough for DiBiase to pounce, and begin a neck-related assault. In true Orton-inspired Lethargy fashion, he decides to work about 4 minutes worth of a chinlock. Christ. It's almost like they knew I'd be recapping this, and decided to lob me softballs so I could verbally rape these mediocrity huggers.

About 6 minutes in, and HBK starts an honest comeback, but is quickly derailed by what seems a flukey accidental shot to the eye (recalling last year when Michaels suffered a "detached cornea" or whatever in his feud against Jericho). Michaels still re-rallies, however, apparently doing so with only one eye. He scores a bunch of moves in a row, and starts Tuning Up The Band when Rhodes reaches into the ring and pulls Michaels into the ring post. Instant DQ.

HHH sprints over to that side of the ring, and a four-man brawl ensues. DX gets the better of it, as the announcers bludgeon us over the head with the fact that Nothing Is Settled after this match. DX still won one match. Legacy still won the second. Wow, let me guess: Rubber Match at Hell in the Cell? How very subtle of you.

Your Winner: Shawn Michaels, via Disqualification in about 8 minutes. Not awful, but when a member of Lethargy works a 3-minute chinlock, it ain't gonna be good, either.

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Moments Ago: DX and Legacy blah blah blah.... I get the impression that my savaging of Moments Ago segments is now bordering on being as repetitive and pointless as the Moments Ago segments themselves. So I'll stop, and trust that YOU don't have ADD, either.

Evan Bourne/Hornswoggle vs. Carlito/Chavo Guerrero

A few gimmicky bits by Hornswoggle to start, but then Bourne tags in, and pretty quickly becomes our Face in Peril. Classic "cutting the ring in half" segment by Carlito/Chavo, with Carlito looking especially sharp and intense. That man loves him some being-a-heel. Then Bourne gets about one or two moves in a row and tags in Hornswoggle. It's not exactly a "hot tag" as far as this crowd is concerned. Bourne deposits Chavo in position for a Tadpole Splash, and then no-hands-planchas Carlito to take him out. Chavo tries to get on the ropes to counter the splash, but Hornswoggle counters that with an Apple Spit. Chavo falls back into the middle of the ring. Hornswoggle hits the splash, and gets the win.

After the match: Chavo gets a mic, and just says "I give up. You win. Just leave me alone. I give up. OK?" Oy. It's not the ending I would have hoped for, but if this really IS an ending, at least that's something. Right?

Your Winners: Hornswoggle and Evan Bourne, via pinfall in about 5 minutes. I think I forgot to mention that Rosa Mendez was out there with Carlito/Chavo. That's OK. She didn't do anything, and you have no reason to care. But if we're going for graphic detail and completeness, I figure I should put that in here.

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Backstage: Josh Mathews interviews John Cena. He asks one question about how it feels to be the WWE Champ again. Cena uses that as a springboard to a non-stop 6 minute rant that doesn't exactly answer the question, but instead goes careening off in tons of directions. Very INTENSE and ANGRY directions, where Cena uses his over-the-top/make-Shatner-blush scenery-chewing voice. He didn't quit, he didn't this, he did the other, now Orton gets another match, blah blah blah. All very loud, all very fake, all with an intensity that bears no resemblance to reality or how real people talk. I know I said I was happy when Cena won the title, but right here is one segment of Absolute Garbage that encapsulates why he's so fucking obnoxious. And it's something he could fix so easily. But he never does. John Cena just keeps on being a fake, over-intense amalgam of random personality traits. He has no identity of his own, other than fakeness and loudness. And in this case, he also had no content of his own. He just rambled randomly about stuff we could easily deduce for ourselves. He just did it very loudly and angrily. For no discernable reason. Unless, that is, Josh Mathews has really bad body odor or something, and that just pissed Cena off.

Trish Stratus/MVP vs. Chris Jericho/Beth Phoenix (Mixed Tag Match)

On the upside, Cena's crap-ass promo did make me feel better about who Trish's Mystery Partner would be. I didn't want it to be Cena, and now, Cena's already made a token appearance... and I kinda liked the idea of MVP, because I instantly saw where we'd be going with this storyline/match. Note: I was right....

However, after MVP's entrance, we don't start the match, we cut to....

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Trish Stratus/MVP vs. Chris Jericho/Beth Phoenix (for real this time)

Trish and Beth start, and immediately, the commentators get on my nerves by acting like Trish hasn't been in a ring in three years. And has never been in the ring with Beth. Surely I wasn't imagining last Christmas when RAW was in Toronto, and Trish made a surprise appearance in a mixed tag (w/ Cena) and faced none-other-than Beth Phoenix (w/ Santino)?

Decent back and forth, and when Trish seizes an advantage after hitting a Matrix (including a few of the good ol' Handjob Chops), Jericho decides to interrupt, which bring MVP over. Jericho and MVP brawl at ringside, and MVP gets the better of it.... so Big Show lumbers out and decimates MVP. Mark Henry arrives and starts brawling with Show. The ref calls for the bell. But per my previous premonition, I'm calling for Trish....

Sure enough, before Lilian can announce a winner, Trish gets a mic and makes me proud to know her: "No no nonononono, I don't want it that way. This is my show, and I make the rules. So you guys want to get involved? Fine. I can dig that. Let's make this a six-person match. And let's do it right now." Awesome. She sucked in that first monologue, but Trish has now owned a backstage skit. She's looking good in the ring. And she just nailed an in-ring rasslin' promo and popped the crowd. Like I said: put her in her element, and she still rules.

But when Trish said "right now," she apparently meant after these....

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Trish Stratus/MVP/Mark Henry vs. Chris Jericho/Big Show/Beth Phoenix

Back live, and we join this match, in progress. MVP is already our Face in Peril, with Show and Jericho tagging in and out to dominate him. No real focus or story to the heel beatdown, and then when MVP starts his mandated comeback, Jericho decides not to put up with any of that happy crappy. He decides to tag out. To Beth. Heh.

Beth gets in and acts like she's perfectly happy to take on MVP, but MVP plays defense, and tags in Trish to a big pop. After taking down Beth, Trish asks MVP back to the center of the ring, where they bounce off the ropes and hit a Double Ballin' Elbow. Jericho comes in to deal with MVP's cheating ways, and those two powder out to one side. Big Show tries to get involved, but Mark Henry puts an end to that on the other side of the ring. Now it's just Trish and Beth in the ring.

Near fall for Beth after a Glam Slam, but Trish kicks out and starts a rally. Headstand rana in the turnbuckle. Stratusfaction Bulldog. And there's your winner. She retired as Women's Champ. She's undefeated in two return matches since. She's hot. Have I mentioned that Trish rules? Oh, I have? Well, I just did it again. Deal.

Your Winners: Trish/MVP/Henry via pinfall. Call it 12 minutes overall from the first ringing of the bell, or maybe 7 minutes after being re-joined in progress as a six-person. Pretty much formula to get us to a gimmicky happy ending, but with this cast, it was well-performed formula, and I dug the way the backstage promo was awesome and set up one match, which logically flowed into MVP as the mystery partner which then made the final six-person a perfect way to handle this story as both (a) an on-going chapter in JeriShow vs. MVP/Henry and (b) a chance for Trish to shine. Nicely done.

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Next Week: Cedric the Entertainer will be Guest Hosting RAW. Huh. We'll see how that goes. I've been told next week was originally the date WWE wanted for Lebron (w/ Shaq), since it's the last chance they'd have had before the NBA training camp/season starts, but I guess that one fell through? So we get the poor man's Bernie Mac. Or at least: the Bernie Mac what ain't dead.

A While Ago: just in case you forgot, Batista showed up and tricked Randy Orton. Whee.

Batista vs. Randy Orton

This match has never been good in the past, so I'm not expecting much here... luckily, a glance to the clock reveals that after Orton's slow-mo ring entrance, the bell doesn't even ring to start this thing until 11:01pm (eastern). So it may suck, but it'll suck for only a short period of time. WIN~!

They grapple and hug for about 3 minutes, and Batista gets the better of it, and Orton keeps trying to chickenshit his way out of the ring (he tries to get a chair, later he tries to get a wrench out from under the ring). But mostly, Batista is in control, and Orton's trying to figure out how to escape. Finally, Orton does manage to get Lilian's chair, and tries to use it, but instead, Batista gets to his feet and Spears Orton as he charges with the chair. Batista then proceeds to destroy Orton on the outside of the ring.

Orton eats the announce table. Orton eats the ringside barricade. Orton eats the steel ring steps. Orton decides to try to make a run for it, but John Cena's music fires up, and Cena appears at the top of the stage. Orton has no choice but to head back to the ring. Orton is quickly re-decimated, and eats a BatistaBomb. One. Two. Three. It's over.

Your Winner: Batista, via pinfall, in about 6 minutes. Simple, one-sided, and in terms of being an effective return for Batista, it probably worked. I don't know whether to be happy that Orton was just destroyed for my bemusement (for the second time in two nights) or be sad that Batista is going to SD, where I'd just assume he not go, since I like SD as it is.... we'll see. Show ends with Batista celebrating in the ring.

There you have it, folks.... not a bad edition of RAW. Even if I'm joking about Batista making SD suck, the truth is, his little swerve and momentum-building comeback was handled well tonight. And he doesn't outright suck: he's just quick-to-get-stale. He had no time to get stale tonight, and if he heads into a feud with CM Punk on Fridays, that wouldn't suck, either. Punk has a way of making anything interesting.

Throw in a nice dose of Trish -- who had me worried when her Turd Polishing Skills were inadequate to save that first speech on the stage, but who absolutely owned it once they put her in segments where she was in her element, doing what she did (and did so well) for lo those many years -- and I can't really feel any regrets about my time spent watching RAW this week.

Or my time spent recapping it.
 
As always, you know the best way you can thank me is by dropping us a few bucks as a donation to keep this place running (and maybe to compensate me for my precious, precious time). Thanks in advance, kids...

Talk to you again soon with other news, the latest on Jeff Hardy, and all that. Till then, be well...