by Erin Anderson
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Last week's column got a very nice reader response; thanks to everyone who took the time to send me an e-mail. Judging from the feedback I received, the snippet including a conversation with my brother was the highlight of that piece… so why not devote an entire column to an interview with him: a dedicated wrestling fan who knows nothing of smarkdom?

I must warn you: he doesn't exactly spout off any poetry, and if profanity offends you, this ain't your column. But it is an interesting insight into the mind of the casual fan and how WWE aims to please it. Then again, "mind" may not be the correct descriptive term. Judge for yourself.

[Author's note: to protect my brother's identity, he will henceforth be referred to as "Bert."]

Erin: So tell me, Bert, who is your favorite wrestler?

Bert: Brock Lesnar. He fuckin' kicks ass.

E: What is it about him that you like so much?

B: The tattoo. And he's huge.

E: Right. Do you think that it's a problem that he doesn't display much personality? I mean, let's face it: the guy has the charisma of a waffle iron.

B: Huh?

E: What I mean is, he doesn't have much of a personality that the fans can connect with. Do you think that will affect his success in WWE?

B: Fuck, no! Dude, he's already been the champion once, and everybody goes nuts for him.

E: Duly noted. But you don't think that he made it to the top too quickly? Shouldn't wrestlers have to pay their dues before winning the title?

B: What does that have to do with anything? He kicks ass, so he won the belt. What's the problem?

E: Hmm. Interesting. So tell me, do you think that it's a good idea for Kurt Angle to get in the ring with Brock at Wrestlemania?

B: (laughs) No. He'll get his ass kicked.

E: That's not what I meant… Angle has a pretty serious neck injury, and he apparently needs surgery for it. He'll be out for about a year. Do you think he should even try wrestling right now?

B: Wait… he's hurt? How the fuck did you know that?

E: Because I'm smart. And you didn't answer my question. Should Kurt even be wrestling?

B: I think it's kinda cool. Brock can break Angle's neck in the ring, and then I'll never have to see him wrestle again. Kurt's an asshole.

E: Come on, Bert, we're talking about a real person here, not the character that he plays on TV. Will it make his Wrestlemania match harder to watch, knowing that he's injured?

B: It will now that you've told me, you stupid bitch. I didn't wanna know that.

E: You don't have to insult me, fuckwit.

B: Whatever. (muttering under breath) Fuckin' slut.

E: Hey, I heard that.

B: (sigh) Look, do you want this stupid interview or not?

E: (groan) Fine, fine. What match are you most looking forward to at Wrestlemania?

B: Triple H versus Booker T.

E: Any predictions as to who will win?

B: Triple H, easy.

E: Why do you think that? Because Booker pinned Triple H in their last Raw match, and the guy who gets the last laugh usually doesn't win in the following pay-per-view?

B: What the fuck are you talking about?

E: You know, usually the guy who loses in the match before the pay-per-view ends up winning at the big event.

B: (staring in confusion and disbelief) You take this wrestling shit way too seriously, Erin.

E: (sigh) Just answer the question. Why do you think he'll win?

B: 'Cause it's Triple H!

E: Uh… care to elaborate on that?

B: Dude, he always wins.

E: You may have a point there. Do you think the fact that he's sleeping with the boss' daughter has anything to do with that?

B: They broke up, dumbass. Remember?

E: No, that was just… ah, never mind. Let's talk about something else. What do you think of Chris Benoit?

B: He rules. That's the one guy in the WWE that I wouldn't wanna fuck with if I saw him on the street.

E: (muttering) At least there's still some hope for you.

B: What?

E: Nothing. Do you think Benoit will have the title around his waist before the end of the year? You'd probably agree that he deserves it.

B: Yeah, but he won't win the title anytime soon.

E: Why not? You agree that he's a legitimate tough guy and a great wrestler, right?

B: Yeah.

E: Then why not give him the title?

B: 'Cause Brock is gonna have it. And quit rolling your eyes.

E: OK, let's go back to Raw. What's your general opinion of the women's division?

B: They're all hot, except for Molly and Jacqueline.

E: What about the wrestling, though?

B: Who cares?

E: Good point. What do you think about the Shawn Michaels-Chris Jericho match? Are you looking forward to it?

B: (grin) HBK is gonna hand Jericho's ass to him on a silver platter.

E: Really? You don't think Jericho has a chance of winning?

B: Hell no.

E: Don't you think it's time for HBK to pass the torch to a younger wrestler with a better future in WWE?

B: No, 'cause Jericho sucks. I don't understand why you like that guy so much. Why do you always like the bad guys, anyway?

E: I'm asking the questions here, all right?

B: You've got a crush on him, don't you?

E: Shut up. But I'm noticing an odd pattern here… you always think that the 'good guy' is going to win, unless it's Triple H -- even when he's facing a wrestler that you like, such as Booker T.

B: So?

E: Don't you see anything wrong with that logic?

B: Not really. What does logic have to do with it? It's wrestling, for fuck's sake.

E: So what you're telling me is that the bad guy should always lose, unless it's Triple H?

B: Pretty much.

E: You've got a crush on him, don't you?

B: Shut up.
  

E-MAIL ERIN
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Erin Anderson is an Atlanta native and a student at Georgia State University. Since writing about wrestling didn't go over too well with her English professors, she vents here at Online Onslaught.

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