Medical personal are right there, EMTs are right there, the stretcher is right there, the ambulance is right there, and the fastest route to the hospital is known well in advance. (And who knows, I’m not an ambulance driver, but it wouldn’t surprise me if those routes are even practiced by the drivers sometimes.)

It could have been worse. If Lawler’s heart was a ticking time bomb for that night, and if his heart had waited just two more hours to give out, he would have been alone in his hotel room… or maybe even asleep. And if that had happened, we’d be hearing a ten-bell salute tonight and making references to Eddie Guerrero instead of making SmackDown business-as-usual. Instead, it happens when everything is in the right position to minimize the amount of damage and quickly get him some help.

I haven’t been obsessed with playing “what if”; I’m happy the guy survived, and given Rick’s update that he has no brain damage… well, we may have seen Lawler’s last match, but I honestly don’t think we’ve heard the last of his commentary. But I guess when I hear emergencies and tragedies, my first thought is usually “It should be me,” followed by “It could have been worse.” Maybe it’s just a way of coping with it, I don’t know.
 
[Ed. Note: they found out on Wednesday there was no brain damage. By Friday morning, Lawler was up and touting, looking (and sounding) to be his normal self. This, after his heart stopped beating for 20 f'n minutes on Monday night. I'll see your "It could have been worse" and raise it a "This is an almost unbelievably positive outcome." Here's Jerry's video message to us:
 

 
Tout, good for something afterall! Namely, making sure that patients in the cardiac ICU can communicate with the outside world, but making sure they don't over-tax themselves by talking for more than 15 seconds!]

Still, I normally keep the thoughts to myself. But today has been a rough day, and I’ve had a few dark thoughts throughout day. Talking about this stuff seems to help a little. I don’t know if you care, but I guess if you’ve read this far, you can at least empathize a little. Either way, my thoughts and prayers are with Lawler, his family, and WWE, and I hope the guy can make a full recovery. It seems people in the wrestling business are cut from a different physical cloth than the rest of us, and if Bret Hart and Jim Ross can bounce back from their medical problems and make a go of it, I have no doubt in my mind that Lawler will be with us again… it just may take a bit, but I’m sure we haven’t heard the last of him.

Anyway… let’s get to SmackDown…

Opening: I normally don’t mention anything about pre-show video packages, but WWE is apparently doing a little revisionist history and heavy editing with the whole “legal meeting” segment between Sheamus and David Otunga, trying to play it more straight and serious. Not an improvement, trust me.

Segment 1: No opening theme or pyros. We cut from that (and a recap of Booker T banning the Blarney Boot) to the ring, in which Alberto Del Rio and Ricardo Rodriguez stand. Oh wait, David Otunga is there too, and Otunga and RR both have soft collars since they’re so totally hurt from the Blarney Boot.

RR blubbers how much he thanks everyone for their support, then Otunga takes the mic. Otunga whines about his injuries too, and says that it’s AJ Lee’s fault he ate a Blarney Boot because she made the match between them. He promises he’ll bring legal action, blah blah.

Then ADR takes the mic and shows last year at Night of Champions, when Sheamus hit Christian with a Blarney Boot. From there, ADR introduces Christian, who appears with a sling on the Titantron via satellite. (I wondered where he’s been… poor guy is snake-bitten apparently.) Christian doesn’t seem too pleased to be having this “interview,” thus showing he’s still a face.

Otunga takes the mic and thanks Christian for doing the interview despite still recovering from shoulder surgery… Ah, I see. Did that happen during a match and I totally missed it, or was at a house show, or what?

Otunga tries to get Christian to admit how terrible the Blarney Boot is, but Christian cuts that mess off. He then verbally craps on ADR, and says that he’s doing this interview not for ADR, but for the other wrestlers in the back. He says at the time of Night of Champions last year, he was a two-time World Heavyweight Champion on his way to a third title, but after the kick, he hasn’t been right since. Compounding the nerve damage from the kick with the other injuries the Blarney Boot caused, he’s been out for nearly a year. So should the Blarney Boot continue to be banned? Christian thinks… yes.

Huh… tweener turn? The fans boo, but Christian wants to add something, although Otunga is quick to cut him off and terminate the signal. Jerk.

ADR then takes the mic again and says, hey, if Christian wants it banned, it needs to stay banned! He encourages Booker T to keep it banned, and he promises to take the title from “that peasant” on Sunday.

And… here comes Daniel Bryan? DB hits the ring, blathers for a bit, and gets to the point about how dangerous the move is since Sheamus used it to beat him in 18 seconds at WrestleMania. DB even wants a rematch against Sheamus tonight because, now that the Brogue Kick (I give up calling it the “Blarney Boot”) is banned, it’ll prove that the only reason DB didn’t beat him at WrestleMania was because he was taken by surprised. God, that was a long sentence.

Anyway, the crowd boos for a nanosecond, and then Sheamus arrives. He blathers, assuring us that the real reason DB lost at WrestleMania is because Sheamus himself is totally awesome and better talented. So he’s going to prove it tonight against DB, and against ADR on Sunday, despite not having the Brogue Kick at his disposal.

By the time he says all that, he’s on the apron of the ring. David Otunga gets in his face to say something, and Sheamus responds by ripping the neck brace off him and basically guillotining him on the top rope. How was that not like being a bully, exactly?

What a dumb segment, and it went on way too long.

Cut Scene: As we come from commercial, we get a pre-recorded update from Michael Cole that he spoke to Lawler, who is going through a damn good recovery. I know we’re not really all that into social media around these parts, but apparently, going on Twitter and using the #GetWellJerry hashtag will let Lawler see your tweets, or something.

Hey, random question… is the phrase “#GetWellJerry hashtag” redundant? Like “$100 dollars” or “PIN Number”? I’m clearly getting old.

Segment 2 [Singles Match]: Sin Cara defeats The Miz by pin. Meh. Decent match but nothing special, no finishers and no high spots.

Segment 3: After commercials, Matt Striker catches up to Miz in the back. Striker points out that Miz has been on a losing streak since winning the Intercontinental Title, and he’ll be defending it at Night of Champions against an “unknown opponent,” so how does Miz feel about that? Miz says that that’s a stupid question and refuses to answer it.

That’s when Cody Rhodes arrives. Miz says that Striker should instead be asking Cody why Cody would attack Miz after his match on Monday. Cody answers that he wants his title back. “What person out there doesn’t associate that title with me?” Cody asks. “The person who is wearing the title around his waist,” Miz retorts. Heh.

And then, uh, Rey Mysterio arrives to talk some shit, and Striker vanishes into thin air. Rey says that since he beat Miz, he should have the title. Cara then walks and wants the belt too.

Miz sees where this is going, but he assures everyone that if he had to face any of them in singles competition, he totally would have won and retained. Teddy Long arrives and says that’s all well and good for singles matches… but instead, we’re going to have a Fatal Four-Way, holla holla. Miz isn’t pleased, but everyone else is happy with it.

Segment 4: RAW Recap concerning the WWE Tag Titles and Team Friendship.

Segment 5: Kane is meeting with Dr. Shelby in the back and is working on a stress ball. DB arrives to say that Kane is doing it wrong… and speaking of “wrong,” let’s talk about Monday, when Kane chokeslammed him onto Darren Young. They start “arguing” that they each want to be the next tag team champion, and Kane insists he only did what he did to ensure victory.

Shelby then points out that “both guys have balls,” because DB is also holding a stress ball and WWE’s target demo is 13-year-old idiots. Shelby proceeds to give some half-entendres that are in no way clever, and Kane concludes that his is totally bigger. Ugh. [Ed. Note: my take-away from this segment is that a man with only one ball is only half a man, doomed to walk the earth forever lonely and unloved. But if Kane and Daniel can come together and share TWO BALLS, they will have one fully functioning scrotum. Er, freindship. Or something. Forget hugging it out. Share them balls, boys, share them balls. That Dr. Shelby is a genius!]

Segment 6 [Singles Match]: Kane defeats Kofi Kingston by pin. Decent match, nothing special. This was the Kane show from bell to bell, and Kofi simply had no chance.

After the match, Dr. Shelby popped out of the back and looked at Kane, and looked… concerned. Kane watched him for a moment, then looked ashamed of himself and reentered the ring. Kane pulled Kofi up by the throat, then… forced Kofi into a hug. Kofi looked completely freaked out, but Shelby was happy. [Ed. Note: Dr. Shelby needs to be the full-time manager of Team Friendship. Kane giving hugs is comic gold!]

Segment 7: Matt Striker is in the back again, and this time has found Randy Orton. Striker asks why Orton would ask for a match against Tensai when he had a title shot against Dolph Ziggler on Sunday. Orton responds by looking around for cue cards, then shrugging and going “I dunno.” Good contribution.

More stupidity ensues as Orton puts himself over and says he’ll totally beat Dolph on Sunday. The fans care, but I don’t.

Segment 8 [Singles Match]: Randy Orton defeats Tensai (w/ Sakamoto) by pin. Decent match for who was involved, but pretty uninteresting. Match ended with an RKO out of nowhere, of course.

Post-Segment 8: Immediately after the match, Vickie Guerrero pops out and talks some shit, insisting that Dolph Ziggler took the night off. Orton replies that he’s actually been paying attention in class, so if she’s talking to Orton from the stage, Dolph must be sneaking up from behind. Orton quickly flings the mic, does a 180 jump, and immediately falls into ring humping position. Dolph indeed was there and started to slide in, but thought better of it and bailed. Orton walks away the intelligent victor, which tells me they must have rehearsed it several times.

Segment 9: Antonio Cesaro is in the ring and blathers. He’s unhappy that the #1 Contender to his title will be determined by battle royal, but why this is an insult isn’t exactly clear. Still, he says he’s outraged in five different languages.

Tyson Kidd hits the ring and says that he wants to respond in Canadian: “You’re going to lose the US Title on Sunday… eh???” Cute… until Cesaro beats the crap out of him and flings him from the ring. Cesaro then asks if there’s anyone else who wants to get frisky.

Someone better call his momma, because here comes Brodus Clay! Except Clay isn’t dancing and smiling… He’s pissed, and the fact there’s no ref isn’t really a big deal. Antonio tries to bail, but Kidd has recovered and gives him a roundhouse to his temple. This makes Antonio stagger right back to Brodus, who puts him down and hits him with a splash.

Antonio rolls out of the ring, and Kidd and Brodus dance, because why not.

Segment 10: Wade Barrett pops out of the back. He reminds us that last week, he said he’s “open for business,” but that everyone was too retarded to understand what he meant. So he clarifies: next week, someone at random will be “given a sample product,” and then “business will pick up.” Unless he’s talking Rosa Mendes action figures (with special “hip popping action”), I really don’t care.

Segment 11 [Singles Match]: Kaitlyn defeats Beth Phoenix by pin. Decent match, nothing special, though the result (totally clean pin) was unexpected. Match ended with a reverse DDT, which came from a reversal out of the Glam Slam setup… interesting. Kaitlyn is happy, as is my pants.

Segment 12: RAW recap of the killer main event promo.

Segment 13: Eve chats with Booker T in the back, supporting him in banning the Brogue Kick. Books thanks for her support… and then Teddy Long is there to agree as well. Teddy and Books awkwardly can’t decide whether to shake hands or fist bump, leaving Eve to giggle. Eve and Books then run off together to discuss business.

Please tell me this isn’t planting seeds to turn T-Long heel and make him a jealous corporate suck-up for Booker T’s attention. Please tell me that’s not the direction we’re headed…

Segment 14 [Singles Match]: Sheamus defeats Daniel Bryan by submission. Solid match, nothing special, but decent back-and-forth action for the whole match. It ended with a Texas Cloverleaf.

Final Thoughts: And… uh… that’s it. I don’t know if I’m just out of it tonight, but tonight’s episode didn’t really do anything. I wouldn’t even have known there was a PPV this weekend if not for the bumps. No story made any major stride, and although momentum was clearly established among certain parties, it doesn’t really seem to have made a major impact about anything. [Ed. Note: other than setting the IC Match, I agree, this did almost nothing to sell the PPV. But three above average matches -- Sin Cara/Miz, Orton/Tensai, and Sheamus/Bryan -- made it time relatively well spent, I thought.]

I’ve said everything I want to say, and Rick will have the Night of Champions recap on Sunday night. Other than that, take care, and I’ll see you on the other side for RAW.

Episode Grade: C-