“Okay Adam, I know Jack & Jill sucked worse than a geriatric at her first gloryhole, but here’s the thing: I think I know why it bombed.”

*Adam can’t answer, because he’s too busy making a “funny” expression in the mirror and laughing at, or possibly in spite of, himself.*

“The only reason it failed was because there wasn’t enough YOU. So here’s what we’re doing: we’re going to make the same movie, except instead of you playing your own sister, you’re going to play your own son! What do you think?”

*Adam still can’t answer because he’s practicing saying random words with incorrect inflection. This is truly comedy genius.*

“That's my boy! ...Wait, that's the perfect name for the movie! That's My Boy! It’ll make us rich, Adam! So rich we’ll never have to insult America by making another movie again!”

*Adam briefly pauses to consider whether he should respect the art of his craft by politely declining the project and bettering himself. Then he remembers he was involved in Billy Madison and Punch Drunk Love, and signs on the dotted line, which would be useful except the movie executive never presented a contract.*
 
[Ed. Note: does Pyro really not know the difference between Sandler and Samberg, or is he just pretending in order to make a point? Even I, the Mighty "Ed." cannot say with certainty.]

As much as WWE annoys me, and as much as I’m dreading a permanent change to three hours this summer, a bad episode of RAW can’t possibly be worse than that. So let’s turn to RAW, which of course is post-Over the Limit, so don’t complain about spoilers.

Opening: We cold-open to a video montage of Cena/Ace from last night. WWE has so much confidence at how awesome and shocking the whole match was that they keep cutting to random shots of the fans in the arena live watching this on the Titantron.

Segment 1: After that mess, we get no opening theme or pyros. Instead, John Cena’s music fires up, and Superwigger walks straight to the ring without any pre-entrance words. Cena paces as he says that he’s had tons of matches before, and he always comes out the next night win or lose and just tries to move on.

But this time, “What the hell happened?,” as if it’s some sort of mystery. Although he seems a little too cartoonishly angry about the situation. Then he just bluntly says that Ace “is a bully,” which, well, tells me all I need to know about why Cena/Ace was the main event rather than Punk/Bryan.

Cena recaps what we just saw on the video montage, then invents the idea that the IWC has asked “Why didn’t you just pin Ace quickly instead of dragging out the match?” Which would be a good question to ask, except for the fact that we wrestling fans have sort of come to expect matches that go three times as long as necessary. Cena’s answer to the non-question is that Ace deserved getting the shit kicked out of him, and anyway, if Big Show was already in Ace’s pocket, the instant Cena had tried to pin him, Show would have run down and interfered to break up the pin. I think Cena is giving Show’s speed a little too much credit there.

Cena correctly points out that Show was an idiot, since if Show had simply allowed Cena to win, it would have meant Ace was out… and that means whoever the replacement GM would have been, he would have hired Show back anyway. But now, we’re stuck with Ace, damnit! And Cena is sure that Ace is about to pop out and tell us some new idea he’s got for the next PPV.

Ace’s music fires up… but it’s Eve who pops out instead. But she’s only here to formally announce Ace, who pops out presently… riding a Rascal, because he’s so totally hurt. I’ll give Ace credit: he makes getting out of a Rascal look infinitely painful and inconvenient. Ace says that he went to the hospital, and he’s got all sorts of “possible” injuries due to their match. But Ace is fine with it all, because his win totally proves he’s a beast in the ring. But now he’s out of the ring, and that means no one can touch him or they’ll be fired.

So then Ace introduces the man who he’s rehired, and gave a big fat bonus to: Big Show! Show gets his normal music and is dressed in a suit, but he doesn’t look happy about what’s happened. In fact, he’s about ready to cry as he gets massive “You suck! You suck!” chants. Show finally speaks and solidifies his heelishness by saying that he doesn’t owe anyone an explanation, but he’ll do so anyway, and it all comes back to the fact that no one loves WWE or pro wrestling more than he does.

The fans start chanting “You’re a sell out!,” and Show plays off this by screaming back at them that they never respected him or sympathized with him despite his 18 years in the business. He didn’t do anything the rest of us wouldn’t have, and how dare the fans and Cena judge him? And for Cena, there’s no way out at No Way Out, because he’s going to knock him out.

Uh… okay, that was weak. Show leaves while probably hanging his head in shame less at his character direction and more at the way he ended the promo, and immediately David Otunga pops out. Otunga says that last night, Cena lost to his boss… and now tonight, he’s going to lose to him. Cena warns Otunga that he’s not in the mood, and that Otunga should just turn right the hell around before he gets himself hurt. Otunga’s cool with it, then publically dedicates the match to Ace.

We’ll see how that turns out after the commercial…

Segment 2 [Singles Match]: John Cena squashes David Otunga by submission. Really an extended squash, Otunga played chickenshit heel for the first 90% of the match. Once Cena was able to catch him, an FU followed by the STF put a quick end to that.

Post-Segment 2: And then someone hit the “Random” button on the character select screen, as Curt Hawkins and Tyler Reks hit the ring to beat the shit out of Cena, soon joined by Darren Young and Titus O’Neil. Sheamus’s music fired up, and the Irishman hit the ring to make the save… after just drive-by shoving Ace over on the stage on his way.

Once the faces clean house, Ace orders the heels to go back to the locker room, the makes a two-on-three handicap lumberjack match. That’s a cool stipulation. I’m curious who the three are, but Cena and Sheamus don’t seem too worried.

Segment 3: Justin Roberts introduces Ricardo Rodriguez, but before RR can introduce Alberto Del Rio, Santino Marella hits the ring. Apparently, Santino has had a minor argument with RR on Santino’s YouTube show, and we’re supposed to care, just like we were supposed to care about Santino’s Twitter bitching (Twitching?) with Cody Rhodes.

Santino mocks RR’s accent and eyebrows, then shows that he can roll his R’s better than RR can. Santino fakes a Cobra strike, and RR flips out, then starts to undress to fight… except he forgot to undo the button of his suit jacket, which essentially turns it into a straightjacket. Santino polls the audience whether he should Cobra strike him anyway, which the fans naturally agree to, and he naturally does.

So then it’s Santino who introduces Alberto Del Rio, just to show up RR. Except despite ADR’s music playing, he doesn’t pop out, because we awkwardly cut to a video package where we get to see WWE fellate itself for its 1000th episode. Which is also on July 23rd, when it goes to three hours permanently.

It’s only after the video package and ADR’s music plays probably two or three times that he finally comes out. Santino runs away, because he’s not involved in the match at all, and now we’re going to commercial. There’s a good use of our time.

Pre-Segment 4: It seems someone found a plot hole in the de facto main event, so during Randy Orton’s entrance, the commentators explained it away. See, according to the Board of Directors’ stipulation last Monday, if any superstar interfered in the Cena/Ace match, the superstar would be fired. But Big Show said he was re-signed to WWE on Saturday. So why was he not instantly re-fired?

Michael Cole explains that Show and Ace had a verbal agreement on Saturday for Show to just, you know, show up at the PPV. Which Show did. The actual contract to officially declare him a WWE superstar happened after the match. Plot hole solved, with all the grace and convenience of the Stormtroopers having malfunctioning equipment!

Segment 4 [Singles Match]: Randy Orton defeats Alberto Del Rio by disqualification. Decent match, pure formula without anything flashy or overly interesting. ADR did the majority of the offense, focusing on arm-targeted offense to soften up Orton for what is officially the “Cross Arm Breaker,” not the “Cross-Legged Arm Breaker” as I’ve been calling it all this time.

Orton eventually got his hope spot and never looked back… not even when Chris Jericho came out of nowhere and hit him with a Codebreaker.

Post-Segment 4: Jericho actually looked conflicted as he called for a mic, but he regains his confidence as he screams three times that he’s the best in the world at everything he does. By the time he says it three times, Orton is on his feet… and eats a second Codebreaker.

Jericho flips his shit and starts screaming at whether Orton understands him, then concludes (after giving all the fans the stink eye) that he’s totally the best in the world, and he throws the mic onto Orton.

Jericho leaves… for two seconds, then comes back in and hits a third Codebreaker. Some of the fans applaud, which I find tremendously funny. After replays, we see that Orton has a tiny trickle of blood from the danger triangle as we go to commercial.

Pre-Segment 5: Daniel Bryan is here to talk. He bitches out the refs since CM Punk totally tapped out before the pin was counted, so obviously WWE owes him another title shot. Besides, DB will totally make him tap out again when that happens.

Well, here’s CM Punk to give his counterpoint from the stage. He points out that he’s ashamed of himself for falling for DB’s shenanigans last week on SmackDown, specifically tricking Kane into assaulting him.

By the time the video recap of that happens, Punk is down at the foot of the ramp. He shakes his head and clicks his teeth, then introduces us to DB’s opponent for tonight. Cue the pyros!

Segment 5 [Singles Match]: Daniel Bryan defeats Kane by disqualification. Short match with Punkers on commentary. DB did a flurry of offense and actually got the better of Kane, sending Kane out of the ring. DB then did a suicide dive through the ropes to put Kane on his face.

Then we go to a cute spot that also serves at the end game. Punk decided to do a personal replay of last Friday by grabbing a chair and pretending to hit DB… then pretended to hit Kane in the back instead. But DB didn’t want to lose by DQ, so he quickly grabbed the chair. Punk immediately surrendered it, then backed away slowly.

DB eyed Punk, but then turned his attention back to Kane… who was now up and saw the chair in DB’s hands. DB tried to beg off and even threw the chair down, but Kane’s an idiot and thinks he knows what he saw. He uppercutted DB’s face off, then grabbed the chair and blasted DB in the back, because the Big Red Machine doesn’t give a damn about his win-loss record.

Post-Segment 5: After the match, Kane threw DB into the ring and chokeslammed him twice. Punk remained on commentary and was totally “sick” and “offended” that Kane would treat a guy like that.

Kane left, and Punk decided that someone needed to check on whether DB was okay. Punk volunteered himself for the job, and helped him recover by slapping on the Anaconda Vise. DB tapped out instantly, not that Punk gave a shit for a good fifteen seconds.

Segment 6: After commercials, we see Punk walking through the back, and he runs into AJ. Punk isn’t exactly happy about but remains polite to her as she says she totally enjoyed seeing him beat the crap out of DB. Punk says that she’s obviously not crazy, but is just as obviously totally sadistic.

Well, he was probably joking, but AJ did start going a little crazy at that line, sucking breaths in and out through her teeth and imagining what Punk’s face would look like on her cat’s body. But Punk bravely says that AJ has been acting like a fool this whole time regarding DB, and she has to know that, right?

Well, AJ starts to freak out, but then just cries. Punk doesn’t quite know how to handle her, but he eventually lets her cry into his chest. She does so, until Punk advises her to stop crying… which she totally does, instantly. Punk then gets right in her face and softly says that he kinda likes crazy chicks, then he runs off.

AJ seems happy, but starts sniffling again. Awww!!!

Pre-Segment 7: Here comes Christian, and he gets a nice long, flowery introduction as he hits the ring. The fans seem split on how to react to him as he makes his way down the ramp.

Oh wait, this is just a cut scene before a commercial. Fast-forwarding the DVR…

Segment 7 [Singles Match]: Christian defeats Jinder Mahal by pin. Decent match I guess, but nothing special. These two didn’t click very well, and there were a couple slightly botched spots, including a sunset flip where Christian totally lost his grip and Mahal had to shuffle backwards on his heels to get into position.

The match ended when Christian got on a roll and hit the Killswitch, but rather than pinning him there, Christian went to the top rope and hit a diving splash. A one-time exclamation point, or a new finisher?

Segment 8 [Singles Match]: Beth Phoenix defeats Kelly Kelly by pin. As much as I appreciate Naomi’s and Cameron’s tights with their signature Siderump Viewing Technology, I must say that Beth’s new Frontthigh Viewing Technology is just as nice.

Even though K2 got massive hype before the match (Facebook page, Maxim mention, etc.), Beth pretty much handily won the match. K2 got in some offense during hope spot, but when K2 tried her backflip elbow while Beth was in the corner, Beth recovered and gave K2 a stiff double axe handle to the back of her head. K2 sold it like a gunshot, but Beth followed up with a Glam Slam anyway and made the clean pin.

Pre-Segment 9: Cena’s pre-entrance words this time were “These hands are ready for damage” as he shadow boxed the camera guy. I’m not sure much of that last sentence made much sense.

Up until the faces enter, we still have no idea who their opponents are. Vickie Guerrero’s appearance after their entrances gave us two of the opponents, with Tensai rounding out their trio. (Yes, “Tensai.” Apparently he’s no longer “Lord Tensai.” I wonder why.)

All the lumberjacks hits the ring after that, and they’re all heels. Uh oh.

Segment 9 [Two-on-Three Handicap Lumberjack Tag Match]: John Cena & Sheamus and Dolph Ziggler, Jack Swagger, & Tensai (w/ Vickie Guerrero) wrestle to presumably a no contest, though technically the faces may have won by disqualification. Decent match I suppose, but they didn’t really use the stipulation as well as I thought they would.

Back-and-forth to start with the faces doing most of the offense, but then Sheamus became the face in peril… for a long-ass time. Like, 15 to 20 minutes long, which is crazy for a single match sequence in today’s WWE. It felt like it dragged a bit in parts, but the decent double-team moves of the heels helped break up the monotony. Also, any time Sheamus hit ringside, the ‘jacks would converge, but Sheamus would usually fight them off until the odds got 4-on-1 or worse.

Tensai wound up with some blood in his danger triangle as well for some reason, but he fought like a pro and his punchy-slammy was countered by Dolph’s and Jack’s more finesse moves. Big Show came out to watch the end game, but he merely watched from the ramp.

Ultimately, Sheamus punched all three heels and hit Jack with stolen signature from Mr. Kennedy, then got the hot tag. Cena went on a house fire, putting down Dolph and starting the Five Knuckle Shuffle. One of the lumberjacks pulled Sheamus off the apron at that point and beat the crap out of him outside the ring, so Cena changed his mind and went to help out.

That didn’t last long, and all the lumberjacks started attacking both faces, and even started beating the hell out of them in the ring. The ref bailed at some point, and that was our match.

Post-Segment 9: The assault continued for about twenty seconds, at which point everyone in the locker room hauled ass to the ring to even it up. Big Show was conspicuously absent, but just about every face on the active roster, from CM Punk to the tag champs, Santino to Khali, hit the ring to beat the hell out of the heels.

Cena slipped out of the ring during the melee and saw that Show wasn’t anywhere to be found, so he excused himself and sprinted up the ramp. One camera cut later, Cena finds… Ace. Ace says he doesn’t know where Show went, then reminds Cena that if he touches him, he’s fired.

Cena watches him leave, then turns around… and eats Show’s WMD punch. Show looks onto Cena’s body, and Ace signals Show to follow him in the background. Show hesitates, but indeed follows him as we fade out.

Final Thoughts: Solid night by story at least. Wankers may be upset, but hey: I’m not one, and I’m not upset. Not exactly something you need to stop your night to see, but not bad for a post-PPV show to set up the next.

I’ve said everything I needed to say, so I’ll politely bow out here. See you at the end of the week for SmackDown, folks.

Episode Grade: C+