Today is my last day of two weeks off. It hasn’t been overly productive or relaxing, but I’ve gotten some IGN work done. I didn’t have my Godfather marathon as I planned, nor have I watched any baseball. I should have time next week once I bang out my next IGN assignment, and that shouldn’t take too long.

Still, apparently I’m sharp enough to use non-talk to get past the ad box! And now that I am, let’s get to SmackDown, the European edition. Let’s roll…

Segment 1: We don’t have the normal pyros tonight, but we get a full intro. Once that settles down, we see Daniel Bryan in the ring, recapping his match from WrestleMania. And again, the fans are super into DB, booing the hell out of Sheamus’s name. Apparently, DB can do no wrong.

DB’s point here is that Sheamus is a menace, especially with that Blarney Boot of his. DB says the only reason he ate it was because he was distracted, and that won’t happen at Extreme Rules. Plus, they’ll be in Chicago, where DB won the Money in the Bank match a year ago. The “world was shocked” then when he won it, and he’s going to shock the world again when he beats Sheamus twice in that two-of-three falls match.

DB blathers some more about nothing important, then AJ arrives. DB orders her to leave, but AJ stands up for herself and gets back in the ring. DB figures it’s a trap, but AJ insists that she’s here without an ulterior motive. See, AJ just wanted to talk to him about their problems, but she hasn’t been returning her phone calls, and this is the only way. Besides, she just wants to wish him luck on his match.

Well, DB insists that he doesn’t have problems since he already got rid of his. For that matter, he wishes she never met him, that she never asked him out… hell, he wishes that AJ was never born. Well, that certainly punched all the pro-DB fans in the dick. He insists that there’s no chance in a million billion years he’d ever take her back, and he storms out of the ring and to the back.

AJ cries, the fans boo the shit out of him, and that’s our opening. Stay tuned to the recap for the next episode of As the World Turns!

Pre-Segment 2: After commercials, we see that AJ hasn’t left the ring… oh, because this is a match. Here comes Natalya!

Segment 2 [Singles Match]: Natalya squashes AJ by disqualification. AJ doesn’t ready herself for the match even after the bell rings, instead just standing in place and being sad. Natalya is a face now, remember, so she gently pats AJ on the arm, trying to comfort her. AJ responds with a STIFF AS FUCK slap to Natalya’s eye.

AJ drives Natalya into the corner and just slaps the holy hell out of her. Referee McDoucher is in the ring and doesn’t bother with the five-count: he just physically pulls AJ off Natalya. AJ isn’t having it, so she goes after Natalya immediately again with the same result. Finally, on the third time, McDoucher had enough of that shit and just called for the bell.

As AJ totally breaks down in the ring, McDoucher runs over to Natalya… and starts to pull the rubber gloves out of his pocket, which means Natalya is bleeding. Not sure from what or from where exactly, as the camera stays completely off her for the rest of spot. We just see AJ crying, then recovering enough to get out of the ring, then retreating up the ramp, then running away to backstage.

Then, commercials again. Joy. It’s going to be one of those episodes tonight.

Segment 3: Damien Sandow cuts another articulate promo. Very cool as always, including this hilarious line: “However, many, like yourselves, versus embracing this mass wealth of knowledge, choose to be more concerned with the day-to-day trials and tribulations of hoarding simpletons, or which celebrity can garnish the most votes with their sad and embarrassing version of the meringue.” Ha!

Funny as always, but I still want to see him in the ring.

Pre-Segment 4: Brodus Clay is coming out here, but stops on the stage to cut an introduction promo for his “little brother”… who is Hornswoggle. Ugh.

Segment 4 [Singles Match]: Brodus Clay (w/ Naomi, Irrelevant, & Hornswoggle) squashes Hunico (w/ Camacho) by pin. Comedy match, but… whatever, not fun. Horny’s dance looks like he was having a stroke in the middle of it.

Segment 5: Teddy Long is WALKING~! and runs into Titus O’Neil and… uh… what was his name? Oh yeah, Darren Young. Yeah. They harass him because they did great at NXT but were never called up to SmackDown, so they mock Long a bit… and then Johnny Ace arrives and tells him that he signed them, because they’re totally awesome. Also, he puts the Royal Guard hat on Long’s head and reminds him that the Queen’s guards aren’t allowed to talk. See, because he doesn’t want him to talk for this episode, because that’s funny.

Segment 6: Matt Striker interviews Randy Orton in the back, who cuts a vanilla promo against Kane. Moving on…

Segment 7 [Tag Match]: Titus O’Neil & Darren Young defeat the Usos by pin. The only positive to the match was a time-compressed Siva Tau. Otherwise… meh. It was a power-happy match, with O’Neil (am I spelling that right? Is it “O’Neal”?) doing most of the punchy-kicky-slammy offense. The Usos got a hope spot at the end but were shut down in short order.

At least the newbies have a decent finish: it’s basically a Doomsday Device, except rather than a mere clothesline, both guys hold on, so it turns into a combination bulldog and powerbomb. Pretty sweet finishing move, even if the guys themselves aren’t impressing me yet.

Segment 8 [Singles Match]: Alberto Del Rio (w/ Ricardo Rodriguez) defeats Big Show by pin. A surprisingly competitive match, but nothing special. I figured it was going to be a squash or reverse-squash, but nope: back-and-forth for most of the match, but nothing noteworthy or especially exciting.

The match ended when RR distracted the ref as Cody Rhodes came down and did a ninja kick. ADR quickly took advantage to make the pin.

After the match, Cody punched Big Show a few times just to get out a little of his frustration, then bailed. Show wasn’t able to pursue—Cody was too fast and went through the crowd—but Show made Angry Face in Cody’s general direction.

Pre-Segment 9: Once again, we have a squash match featuring Ryback, but the Some Guy gets to cut a minor and stupid promo beforehand. Heath Slater and Drew McIntyre are watching in the back for absolutely no reason too.

Segment 9 [Singles Match]: Ryback squashes Some Guy by pin. Like I said.

Segment 10: T-Long is now in the full Queen’s Guard uniform, and I guess he’s not allowed to move either as he stands guard at Ace’s office. William Regal arrives to harass him, but nothing comes about from it.

Making it worse, Aksana arrives in the arm of some dude named Antonio who “wants to be a WWE superstar.” Apparently, Aksana blows off Long (despite him not saying anything), then she and Antonio go into Ace’s office.

Segment 11: We’re supposed to have a six-man tag match, with Orton, Sheamus, and Khali on one end, with Rhodes, Mark Henry, and DB on the other. Khali was the last to enter, but Rhodes chop blocked him and kicked the crap out of his knee.

So refs hit the ring to escort the now-injured Khali to the back. Does that mean it’s a handicap match now?

Nope… Here comes Big Show! Even though no one yet said he can join them!

…And since we basically just had seven full entrances, that’s all the content between commercials. Here’s another block of ‘em before the match…

Segment 12 [Six-Man Tag Match]: Randy Orton, Big Show, & Sheamus defeat Mark Henry, Cody Rhodes, & Daniel Bryan by pin. Decent match I guess, with a nice Pier Six Brawl at the end. Poor Mark Henry ate all three finishers, ending with the RKO, and took the pin for the loss.

But still… it wasn’t particularly exciting, especially with nothing on the line and no real story being told. Good crowd-pleaser, but that’s all it was. The faces have the momentum heading into next week.

Final Thoughts: Man, what a dud. The show didn’t actively annoy me, but geez, it was the antithesis of entertainment. Like I mentioned on Monday, I know that WWE sort of phones it in when they do an overseas tour, but holy crap, this is way below what I’m willing to give a pass… unless I’m seriously that jaded now, and I don’t think I am. ADR/Show was the lone bright spot, massive props to Show for doing double duty, and I’m sure it was a treat for the fans, but it’s not panning out so well with me. The show was so thin that it couldn’t even be used for public bathroom toilet paper.

Remember that RAW next week will start at 8pm rather than 9pm, and will be a three-hour special, in case you need to update your DVRs. For me, that’s means it’s going to be one busy day, but you’ll have the recap for RAW on Tuesday as always. Have a good weekend, everyone.

Episode Grade: D-