Many years ago, I bought some knockoff pizza rolls. They weren’t even Walmart brand; they were more like a knockoff of Walmart brand. I’m not entirely sure the cheese wasn’t skunk flesh. I attempted to cook it, but undercooked it, and had my friends be the guinea pigs. My best friend said it was “the most disgusting thing he ever tasted,” and I agreed with him. Licking packing peanuts would probably be more exciting to your taste buds, and would probably be healthier.

And it’s still better than Jack Daniels Tennessee Honey.

Holy crap, is that stuff vile. I prepared myself a small glass of it with plenty of ice, and the first swig felt like I was drinking syrup straight out of the bottle, but tasted like roasted cat urine. I involuntarily started seizing as every point of my anatomy between my lips and my stomach started attempting to reject the alleged drink, though I managed to swallow it. I waited about ten minutes, letting some of the ice melt, and took another sip. This time, I could technically taste what was probably honey, but it still felt like I was trying to drink a shirt through a straw, despite having an actual drinking glass.

  

Jack Daniels Tennessee Honey isn’t good, is what I’m saying.

From now on, I think I need to start listening to Rick more, and stop listening to my customers. After all, these are the same people who insist we can “hack into Lowe’s database” from the paint counter to get a specific color for their stupid bedroom. Lessons learned, and all that.

Speaking of lessons learned, I remembered that it’s time for RAW after nearly missing the opening last week! So let’s roll to our first (probably not stunt-casted) three-hour edition of RAW!

Segment 1: It seems that during WWE’s pre-show pyro test, they wound up catching the Titantron on fire and had to keep the fans out of the arena for a full hour. No one was hurt and nothing was damaged (other than the fact that the side lights are permanently off, though the stage lights and Titantron itself are fine), but the delay means not all the fans are in their seats right now. After they announce that, they kick it to a video package of RAW 1000, logically to give the fans a bit more time to get settled before we get started.

Of course, because the whole thing is in Cincinnati, it was obviously not an accident, but just an homage to yours truly, PyroFalkon, because they knew I’d be doing recaps again. I appreciate the shoutout, guys, but isn’t that a little dangerous? Next time, if you really want to give me some appreciation, just send My Rosa my way. [Ed. Note: I just assumed this was WWE's attempt to present an atrocity even worse than the one going on next door at Great American Ball Park. But nah: a fire with no casualties isn't anywhere near the abomination that Mike Leake was last night.]

Segment 2: After the video, it’s CM Punk who opens the show proper, and he’s greeted by tons of cheers. Though, as his music fades, the boos start to commence.

Punk says that while most wrestlers want their “WrestleMania moments,” last week he had a “RAW moment.” And he’ll get to why in a moment, but first he wants to address that last week’s episode ended with Jerry Lawler saying “CM Punk has turned his back on the WWE Universe.”

Punk pauses to exit the ring. He sits cross-legged on the announcer’s desk just a couple feet away from Lawler, then addresses him directly. He wants to know why Lawler would jump to such a conclusion; hell, in truth, it was Lawler who turned his back on them. That’s because The Rock is not the WWE Universe. The Rock may be larger than life, charismatic, and delusional, but he came out and showed Punk an incredible lack of respect.

See, last week, Rock interrupted Punk—which alone shouldn’t ever be done—and started blathering to Daniel Bryan as if Punk wasn’t even in the ring. Then, Rock reported he was merely “granted” a title shot at Royal Rumble, and then acted as if taking Punk’s title at the Royal Rumble was no big deal. Rock was, in fact, lucky that Punk didn’t kick his ass then.

But then, at the end of the night, Rock made the save for John Cena at the hands of Big Show, and tried to make the show about him. And screw that noise: Punk was going to show him that he is the champion.

And what has The Rock done in the intervening week? Absolutely nothing. We couldn’t get Rock to shut up during his feud with Cena, but clearly Rock doesn’t think that highly of him. So all Punk did last week was ensure that the show ended with the focus and spotlight on the WWE Champion, the best wrestler in the world!

And here comes Big Show. Punk is annoyed and hops off the table to get back in the ring. Show meets him there, and Punk immediately accuses him of stealing the spotlight. Show says that’s not hard to do; besides, the end of last week’s show was really all about him. After all, it was Show who cost Cena the WWE Championship, and for that matter made Cena be the first to fail cashing in the Money in the Bank briefcase.

And Punk, being best of the world? Hell, Show knocked out Cena and Punk still couldn’t close the deal. And he would have tapped out to Cena in the STF if Show hadn’t interfered a second time… ergo, Show is the reason Punk even has the title now. He vows he’ll be the next WWE Champion.

Punk finds that hilarious, given that Show can’t beat Cena, and couldn’t even win the contract at MITB.

And here comes Cena, who doesn’t bother with words, and just ups and starts punching Big Show. Punk doesn’t care, and even just sort of dismisses the whole thing. Cena basically gets the better of it and sends Show packing, then starts taunting away… as Punk just stands there barely impressed.

Then Justin Roberts announcers the new GM of RAW, calling her AJ Lee… and she comes out in an all-black modern suit that makes me happy in my no-no zone. [Ed. Note: AJ looked nice and all. But she didn't look like AJ. I mean, last week, she wore Chucks with her wedding gown, because that's what AJ does. This week, she's just Bland Authority Figure #8837. Boo.] She doesn’t dick around here: it’s Cena and Show in the main event tonight. Oh, and the winner is the #1 contender for the WWE Title, and will face Punkers at SummerSlam.

Gotta love a GM who doesn’t mince words or waste time!

Cut Scene: Daniel Bryan is in front of AJ’s door and thinking about entering, but deciding not to. I doubt that’ll be the only time we see that tonight.

Pre-Segment 3: Santino Marella has been growing his hair out and has the beginnings of a mullet. Also, Alberto Del Rio wasn’t allowed to use his car when he made his entrance due to the pre-show fire. Why would that be? Is that just the arena management getting paranoid?

Segment 3 [Singles Match]: Alberto Del Rio defeats Santino Marella by pin. A squash in an 8-minute package, this was a fairly boring match. It was executed well enough but not exciting.

Post-Segment 3: After the match, ADR gets a mic and points out that he beat the crap out of the US Champion like it wasn’t no thing. Santino is beneath him… and Sheamus is beneath him… and hell, even the fans are beneath him! He’s so awesome that he doesn’t want to wrestle again if it’s not a title match, so he’s holding out till SummerSlam.

Cut Scene: Yup, DB is still pacing outside AJ’s door. He almost knocks, but doesn’t. Whee.

Segment 4: So we went to commercial, and when we came back, WWE had cut to the only part of Brodus Clay’s entrance that matters: the Ass Voltron. Good job, directors!

They don’t get to finish their entrance because Vickie Guerrero excuses herself, marches to the ring, and tells the girls and Clay to get the hell out of her way, as she shows how the queen diva does it!

Damien Sandow then arrives because he’s seen enough of Vickie’s seizing. Sandow is our martyr, and that’s because last week, he was beaten up by DX. We get a replay of it (and Sandow is all class, as he calls the Truck Monkeys “kind sir”), and then… uh… Sandow just starts beating the hell out of Brodus. No words, no actions, nothing; as soon as the replay of last week finished, Sandow just absolutely kicked his ass.

Segment 5: Replay of Dolph Ziggler berating Chris Jericho two weeks ago on RAW, and eating a Codebreaker for it.

Segment 6: Back to Daniel Bryan, but rather than knocking, he finally just charges into her office. He starts chewing her out, and she shuts him down with a firm “Shut up!” See, when she was in the back, she saw a bunch of men in white coats, and figured that they were here to take her away. DB explains that they were, you know, groomsmen.

AJ shrugs and says that she wants to have a clean start! And he’s going to have a clean start tonight against one of his favorite opponents: Sheamus! He asks if it’s for the title; she replies “No,” then starts her little finger taunts as she (and the crowd) starts chanting “No! No!” Heh, cute.

Segment 7: Another RAW recap, this time of the Triple H and Brock Lesnar situation.

Cut Scene: Twitter users can vote on what kind of match we want DB and Sheamus to be in tonight. Of course, all of them are basically the same, so who cares?

Segment 8: Josh Mathews finds Sheamus in the back. He says he doesn’t know what kind of match he and DB should have, but “the rougher the match, the better.” Whatever. He adds that Josh is looking a little rough himself, and should take it easy this week. Josh is just as confused as I am about that little aside.

Pre-Segment 9: It’s announced it’s a Street Fight. They call this a “RAWactive match” because the fans picked it, or something. I don’t know. At least we haven’t had to deal with Touts yet.

Segment 9 [Singles Street Fight]: Sheamus defeats Daniel Bryan by pin. If anything tops this for match of the night, I’ll be surprised. Fantastic brawl, pay-per-view worthy, both guys continue to prove their main event status.

Solid spot to take us into the commercial. Sheamus had the advantage as they fought to the stage, but DB managed to counter and take Sheamus’s leg out. As Sheamus was on his knees, DB delivered his multiple “Yes!” roundhouse kicks. After a half-dozen of those, he backed up, then ran forward and hit a low missile dropkick, which sent Sheamus flying off the stage. He roughly landed on the concrete and greatly sold the leg, but managed to stand up… allowing DB to come flying off the stage with a knee that would make Sagat proud.

After commercials, it wasn’t long before Sheamus took control again, doing his ten chest clubs outside the ring by bending DB backwards over a barricade. Once he tossed DB’s carcass in the ring, Sheamus followed up by tossing in a chair and a kendo stick as well. DB countered by just shoving the weapons out of the ring, but then Sheamus clotheslined DB over the ropes on the same side.

Ah, but that’s when DB picked up the kendo stick and just started working on Sheamus. The fight became centered around that kendo stick, and eventually Sheamus stole it. However, DB had previously set up the chair between the top and middle ropes in a corner, and though Sheamus got in a few good whacks, DB sent him head-first into the chair to put him down. However, he couldn’t close the deal with a pin.

More back-and-forth action, and soon the steps came into play. DB got the better of it by countering out of an attempted Alabama Slam to send Sheamus face-first into the ring post. DB then tossed the stairs in the ring, grabbed the kendo stick, and readied up in the ring. But Sheamus grabbed the kendo stick, pulled it to bring DB close, then got him up on his shoulders for White Noise. Sheamus stood on the steps, ready to deliver it, but DB wiggled out and shoved him off toward the ropes. Sheamus rolled with it, rebounding off the ropes and delivering a picture-perfect Blarney Boot that caused DB to fall backwards on the stairs. Sheamus tugged him off the steps, then made the pin and took the win!

Hot crowd, fantastic action, and it wouldn’t have been out of place as a title match. If this is what we get for RAW going to three hours, I have no complaints.

Segment 10: After commercials, DB is lying in the ring with a mic. Despite the refs around him, he insists he hurt his neck and he’ll totally not leave the ring until a doctor comes to check on him. And while he bitches and moans, they show a recap of the opening of RAW for people who tuned into things late.

After that, even as a doctor does get in the ring, Kofi Kingston’s music fires up. Kofi hits the ring with a mic, and R-Truth is with him in a suit, which looks weird. Kofi gets in the ring and says that he knows DB has been having a bad run, but don’t take it out on the fans; just get out of the ring!

Truth follows up that there’s no place for DB now, since Kofi, Truth, and Little Jimmy have stuff to do. DB then laughs quietly like a lunatic, then punts Little Jimmy out of the ring. Truth and Kofi immediately move to check on Little Jimmy, and DB starts ranting that clearly Truth is out of his damn mind. Four guys in white “coats” (more like blouses) hit Truth’s side, and DB insists that they’re here to take Truth away. That was… random.

Oh, now here’s AJ on the stage. She insists it’s not Truth who needs help, but DB, since he’s been a little “mentally unstable” tonight. So to promote a safe working environment, DB needs to undergo a psychiatric evaluation. The white-bloused gentlemen apparently take their marching orders from the GM, so they escort DB out of the ring.

DB gets in AJ’s face on the stage; AJ sarcastically blows him a kiss, then gives him evil eyes as he walks away to the back. That was weird.

Segment 11: Oh good, Touts. The night wasn’t complete without them.

Pre-Segment 12: It seems there’s a WWE.com-exclusive segment where the Prime Time Players crashed My Rosa Mendes’s photoshoot earlier tonight. Looks like I’ll actually be logging into WWE.com for once.

Segment 12 [Singles Match]: Titus O’Neil (w/ Darren Young & AJ) defeats Kofi Kingston (w/ R-Truth) by pin. Decent match I guess, basically an extended reverse squash. At the end, DY tried to interfere, but Truth took care of him. So then, AW decided to help out by throwing a shoe at Kofi. Kofi threw it back, but it was enough of a distraction to let Titus hit him with a powerbomb and end it.

Also of note: AW made an indirect rape joke by saying O’Neil “is like Kobe Bryant at a hotel in Colorado: totally unstoppable!” Even the commentators were stunned into silence on that one for a few seconds. Pretty sure that was a little too far, AW.

Segment 13: Punk is talking to Cena in the back. Cena (who doesn’t talk here, but is just staring daggers at Punk) is still upset that Punk tried to take advantage of Show’s interference last week, but Punk isn’t apologetic since, hey, the WWE Championship was on the line. He insists that Cena would have done the same thing. Beyond that, Punk didn’t help Cena out last week during the assault because, hey, Show is a big dude.

Punk concludes that he doesn’t wish Cena luck, nor Big Show luck, because he doesn’t care who wins. He ultimately likes and respects Cena, and knows that Cena respects his honesty. And Cena nods in agreement.

Until Punk says, “Hey, I know you’re mad at me… and I know you’re mad at yourself, since I did to The Rock in one night what you couldn’t do in a whole year, but you’ve got to let it go.” Burn! Cena becomes less pleased, but just watches Punk go.

Pre-Segment 14: Heath Slater blathers as we see another replay of the fine-looking Lita kicking his ass last week. He challenges any current WWE superstar to come out and lose to him tonight.

And since tonight is the return of Randy Orton, that’s who comes out. Orton… uh… doesn’t look as good as he used to. No beard, his old face haircut, less of a six-pack, and (unless I’m just grasping at straws here) the beginning of some man-boobs. He looks younger and less threatening now… probably not good. [Ed. Note: the end of that hideous neckbeard is, by itself, the best thing Orton's done this year. That makes him look a good 38% less fucktarded. As for the rest? Hey, that's what two strikes gets you. Also, genetics (Cowboy Bob was not a handsome man).]

And, hell, the fact he’s against Heath Slater of all people will tell you how far he’s fallen.

Segment 14 [Singles Match]: Randy Orton defeats Heath Slater by pin. Slater got in some offense, which definitely tells you how far Orton has fallen. Still, he did hit all his signatures and won with the RKO, so… yay?

Also: I was wrong about his haircut. He actually has that extended Mohawk that goes down to the base of his skull, which makes him look like even more of a tool than he used to… Or he’s trying to emulate one of Santino’s haircuts, I’m not sure.

Either way? No argument that Orton is way the hell over with the crowd. I never denied Orton’s popularity; just his in-ring talent and character. Here’s hoping he’s got something hidden in the tank that he’ll get to show off better now that he’s back.

Segment 15: DB is getting psychoanalyzed, and basically flips out on the doctor. How he didn’t burst that vein in his head, I’ll never know.

Segment 16 [Tag Match]: Chris Jericho & Christian defeat The Miz & Dolph Ziggler (w/ Vickie Guerrero) by pin. Solid match, fast-paced and fun the whole way, but a little… weird. Everyone seemed to be unhinged, especially Jericho, who seemed to be slightly timed wrong on just about everything. He didn’t outright botch anything, but there was some questionable timing on some specific spots. Dolph wasn’t immune to this either, completely whiffing on a Fame-Asser to Christian that, in all appearances, shouldn’t have missed. Add in Jericho’s bizarre-looking Codebreaker, and it’s definitely a should-watch match, but there weren’t any noteworthy spots.

After the match, Dolph smacked Jericho with his MitB briefcase, then stood smirking over the body.

Segment 17: DB is still getting psychoanalyzed, this time getting the ink blot test. The three ink blot sheets are stacked up in a certain way, and DB looks at the completely picture, then accuses the doctor of setting it up to make it look like a goat face. He then accuses the doctor of being put up to it by Charlie Sheen, then starts screaming at Sheen inside the room while the doctor looks on in semi-fear.

Much credit to that bit: I didn’t notice the “doctor” was setting the ink blots aside in a specific way until he had completed the picture. Props to whichever writer thought that whole thing up.

Segment 18: More Touts.

Segment 19 [Singles Match]: Tyson Kidd defeats Tensai (w/ Sakamoto) by post-match disqualification. Competitive match, pretty decent but nothing special. This was a return match from Kidd’s reverse-squash win a month ago, Tensai manages to avenge his loss despite not getting an entrance.

After the match, Tensai just keeps beating the crap out of Kidd, including doing a shoulder-mounted backbreaker. That was enough for the ref to reverse his decision.

So as the refs dealt with Kidd’s corpse, Tensai ordered Sakamoto into the ring so Tensai could be him up a bit. Then he stalked Kidd… but eventually left in peace.

Segment 20: The doctor says that DB is short-tempered, bitter, and overly obsessed with Charlie Sheen, but he’s totally sane. DB thanks him, says “I knew I was sane,” then… uh, Kane busts in the room. Kane says “Hi Daniel! I’m your anger management therapist!,” then slams DB’s face into the cinderblock wall.

See, he said “anger management” because that’s the name of Charlie Sheen’s new (inevitably retarded) show. Get it? DO YOU GET THE SUBTLE HUMOR WWE IS IMPLANTING IN YOUR BRAIN?

Segment 21: Another replay of Trips/Stephanie McMahon/Paul Heyman/Lesnar. Whatever.

Pre-Segment 22: CM Punk hits ringside to join the commentary team for the main event.

Segment 22 [Singles Match]: Big Show and John Cena wrestle to a double disqualification, I think. Even though the match was over 20 minutes with an excessively hot crowd, I wasn’t entertained by it. I was entertained by Punk’s commentary, but the match itself was a standard Cena match… with additional restholds. Ugh. [Ed. Note: Punk's commentary was top shelf, to the point that it felt like he was actually getting under Lawler's skin by being so quick-witted. I would 100% endorse on-going Punk/Lawler hostilities. If he's gonna be "exposing" the Rock as a delusional actor play-pretending at being a wrestler, why not expose Lawler as a pervy old man play-pretending at being an announcer?]

So the finish started when the fight spilled outside, and Cena charged Show. Show defended by grabbing Cena and flinging him over the table, sending him shoulder-first into Punk’s face (or face-first into Punk’s shoulder, not sure which). Cena picked himself up and beat the count, and after some back-and-forth, set Show up for the FU. But that’s when Punk came in and hit them both, which magically knocked out both of them.

Post-Segment 22: Punk grabs a mic and declares that the winner of the match… is nobody, because they’re both losers. He leaves the ring, heads up the ramp, and passes AJ as she comes out of gorilla. He doesn’t bother looking at her as he goes through the curtain.

AJ holds her mic—which looks like it’s as big as her head, because holy crap is she tiny—and tells the world that Punk is wrong; they didn’t both lose. So Punk will be defending his title at SummerSlam against the both of them in a triple threat match.

Punk immediately comes running back out from gorilla and gets in her face. He is the WWE Champion and she’ll show him respect! She replies that she’s the GM, i.e. her boss, so there. She stands there and is all smiles as she basks in his hatred.

Final Thoughts: Good night overall. Strong wrestling, decent non-wrestling angles that advanced the story. But the filler… oh my God, the filler. So… much… filler… [Ed. Note: I decided to go with 1 hour, 15 minutes of DVR time shift. You know, just to be safe. I thought I'd use an hour, max. Nope: I used it all. That means the first non-stunt-booked 3-hour RAW featured: 1 hr. 45 m. of content, 45 m. of commercials, and 30 m. of filler that you have to FF. Not good. Which is too bad, because the parts that WEREN'T filler included some very entertaining segments/matches.]

Someone with infinitely more time on their hands than me can run the numbers, but it felt like the ratio of filler, matches, and non-match segments were the same as any other episode of RAW or SmackDown, but the lengths of everything were longer. In the case of Sheamus/DB and the tag match, extending it out to give them more ring time is a great thing. But in the case of Touts, recaps, and other bullshit, it’s most certainly bad. We didn’t really need to see the Trips/Lesnar thing three separate times, did we? You couldn’t cut any one of those and stuck a divas match in there? C’mon, WWE.

I mean, if you’re watching from a DVR, it may not be so bad. But I was hoping that adding the third hour meant more exposure to the undercard. Granted, Kidd/Tensai probably wouldn’t have happened if we were still at two hours. I guess what I really want—in a perfect world, where My Melina and My Rosa routinely decide to have a Belgium Chocolate Pudding Match in my honor—is that the third hour is used less as a recap and more of a SmackDown Lite format, if that makes any sense.

But enough about what could be, and let’s talk about what is. If you wait for my recommendations, this is definitely a should-watch, just on heavy fast-forwarding. Stories advanced, I’m interested (though not stoked) about next week, and Punk continues to shatter proper face/heel alignments with every word and action, and that’s not a complaint.

Oh, and Orton is back too. So… yeah.

Episode Grade: B+