I had planned on spending my birthday alone, as I usually prefer to do, as I reflect on the mistakes and heartaches and stupidity of the last year (or in this case, the last two-and-a-half years). But that got thrown out due to my mom taking an initiative to invite a bunch of people over. Plus, an ex-girlfriend called me out of the blue and invited herself over tomorrow, so… that’ll be… fun.

Or not. Honestly, as I write this, I’m pretty damn sick, so what’ll more likely happen is I’ll be spending my night lain out on—

“Laid out”? “Lain out”? “Lying out”?

—I’ll be horizontal on my bed, and not for any fun reasons. I’ve had allergies badly all year, and it’s really kicking my ass this week. Not to be gross (you might want to skip the next sentence if you’re eating), but due to my sinus drainage, my throat feels like it’s been substituted for sandpaper. My lips are getting chapped too due to entirely too much mouth-breathing, because that’s totally how you win girls.

More troubling is that all day today at work, I’ve had cold chills, but only in specific spots on my body: down the exact center of my legs (from thigh to knee, and then from knee to ankle, because fuck shins, I guess), and down the exact center of my arms. I can’t hear perfectly, and after SmackDown, all I’m going to do is lie down with my DS until I crap off to sleep, since I still have to work tomorrow. (Walmart gets a little belligerent if you call off for your birthday, regardless of the reason.) Not a fun weekend, but all further proof that I’m getting so very, very old.

But hey, maybe SmackDown will be fun! Let’s fire up the ol’ DVR and see whether My Rosa makes an appearance to make me feel a little better…

Segment 1: “In your face, Pyro,” indeed, Rick. Good lord, she just raised my blood pressure in that dress. That’s how you dress classy and show off your curves.

So here comes Edge for no apparent reason. We’re done in Canada, so why is he here? After a full entrance—featuring a crowd so loud that Josh Mathews gave up trying to plug Edge’s TV show halfway though—Edge gets a mic and is absolutely fired up at the crowd’s reaction.

But he gets to business quickly, after a cheap pop. Edge is reflective: after being forced to retire, he wondered, what could do, since he’s always been about professional wrestling? He plugs his show with extreme self-awareness, then gets to his point. He’s been watching WWE as a fan in the first time in forever, and despite being a fan all his life, he’s never seen… this…

Kick it to the Titantron, where we see Kane and Daniel Bryan hug it out after their title defense on Monday… followed by stereo “I am the tag team champions!” replies. Edge wants to know how the “devil’s favorite son” and “Goat Boy” team up to win the titles? And defend them? After all, if anyone knows about tag title experience, it’s Edge.

Well, here’s DB to answer the question. DB calls bullshit on semantics: “ ‘They’ did not become tag team champions… ‘I’ am the tag team champions!” Which repeats a half-dozen times, until Edge calms him down. DB elaborates that he’s a rock, he’s an anchor, he’s… at one with his emotions.

Edge isn’t so sure, but DB says he can see why “someone like Edge” would question it. Edge replies, “Excuse me?” DB replies that’s exactly it: who else said “Excuse me” around here? Does Edge even think about Vickie Guerrero anymore? DB psychoanalyzes Edge’s entrance music, since the opening line is “You think you know me,” and does anyone really know Edge? He should just go back to acting and retirement from the ring, because DB is a redwood, and he totally won’t snap no matter what Edge or the fans try to do.

Edge says he wasn’t intending to upset DB, but… it kinda sounds like a challenge. DB says it isn’t… Edge says “Yes it is.” Back and forth with “Yes,” “No,” until Edge just gives a stage whisper to the fans: “You’re right guys, this is fun!” Heh.

And here comes Kane for no immediate reason. Kane says they’re both wrong, because he is the tag team champions! Back and forth until Edge has to start screaming at them to quiet down. And then Kane absolutely deadpans: “Calm down, man. You know, Dr. Shelby has some great meditative exercises and you should really try them.” Coming from Kane, and with that educational tone, that’s going to win One-Liner of the Night.

Edge freaks out a bit, his mind completely blown. He gets DB’s dedication, one-with-self, veganism, whatever. But Kane? He’s not Barney the Big Dinosaur, he’s the Big Red Machine! Edge reminds him that he stole his wife, then Kane broke up the wedding by Tombstone Piledriving the priest! Doesn’t he remember any of that?

Kane grumbles and growls that he does remember it… and he needs to rectify the situation right now. Kane gives Edge a staredown of intense rivalry, which Edge replies with by taking off his jacket and getting ready. And Kane… opens his arms because he totally wants to hug it out.

Edge is even more freaked out by this, despite the fans chanting at them to hug it out. Edge takes a few careful steps forward… and Kane hugs him while whispering sweet nothings in his ear.

DB freaks the hell out about it… until Edge invites him over for a three-way hug. DB turns from being angry to reflective, then to thinking that it’s the best idea ever, and goes in for the hug himself.

And here’s OO’s #1 character of awesomeness, Damien Sandow, who’s legitimately trying to figure out what the fuck is going on. He says—with 50-cents words—that the hug it out crap is an abomination to the “serial” that is SmackDown. And the fans who are actually enjoying this, it’s their fault to have encouraged it. And another thing—

Edge cuts that noise off, and Sandow looks as offended as he’s ever been. I’m not sure I could have offended him more if I simply walked up to him, slapped a Subway sandwich to the ground out of his hands, and walked away. Edge says that while he can listen to Kane and DB do their thing for the whole show, thirty seconds of Sandow made him swallow his own puke. So if Sandow wants to not being a dick, he should get in the ring and fight either of the guys.

Sandow says that he’s a thinking man, so he politely declines. Edge says to let’s ask the people, which Sandow immediately responds with “Their opinion doesn’t matter!” Some milking later, it seems the fans want Sandow to take on Kane, but we get a commercial in mid-screaming before we can find out.

Segment 2 [Singles Match]: Damien Sandow defeats Kane (w/ Daniel Bryan) by pin. Sandow subtly changed his wardrobe to be a little less… weird. He swapped the purple knee pads for white ones, and his hot pink trunks are now purple (the same purple as the former knee pads). [Ed. Note: C'mon, it's obvious... pink belongs to Cena now. Nobody else can use it. Especially not heels. Heels are pro-breast cancer!] [Ed. Note to the Ed. Note: I'm only half joking. I mean, Ziggler changed HIS colors, too.]

Fun match, basically a squash, and one with a surprising result. Cute spot early saw Sandow dumped over the ropes, so he started backing away from the ring… and bumped right into DB, who was watching at ringside. As Sandow half-apologizes, DB just up and screams “I am the tag team champions!” Sandow is confused, which gives Kane enough time to grab him and fling him back into the ring.

Kane basically dominated the match, with Sandow trying to be a chickenshit heel and failing miserably. He oversold everything, including Kane’s probable game-ender, a top rope flying lariat. Sandow sold it in sort of a reverse headstand, where he was basically lying on his neck with his body extended above him. Weird and a little distracting, but whatever.

Kane smelled blood in the water, so he readied the chokeslam. DB then hopped up on the apron for no reason to start screaming again that he is the tag team champions, punctuated by the fact that he was holding both belts. Kane started arguing back and tried to take one of the belts from DB… giving Sandow time to recover, hit the Chains of Mediocrity Neckbreaker, then float over for the pin.

DB was all smiles after the match… I see, he did on purpose to put one over Kane. Kane starts freaking out, especially given that DB heads up the ramp, screaming his new catchphrase as he poses with both belts.

Segment 3: WWE is aware of breast cancer, and wants you to be too.

Segment 4: After commercial, we see Kane beating the crap out of inanimate objects in the back, clearly unable to find DB. He instead finds Dr. Shelby, who tries to calm the Big Red Machine, but it’s no good: he’s going to tear DB’s beard off his goat-face strand by strand!

And that’s when DB pops up from a bin behind Shelby, assuring us all that he does not have a goat face. “Do too.” “Do not.” “Do too.” “Do t… not!” Because again, WWE is writing for prepubescents, but it’s still funny to me for some reason. I blame the Day-Quil.

Shelby absolutely loses it, screaming like a samurai before a war. That snaps them into reality, so Shelby mediates: do you promise not to rib DB’s beard off his face if he gives you back the title? Kane says yes. Daniel, would you like it if Kane doesn’t rip your beard off your face? DB says yes… so he hands over the title.

Kane says that there’s still the issue of DB interfering in the match, so Shelby suggests talking to Booker T so DB is also in a match tonight, and would that placate Kane? “It might… it just might.” I’ve never seen Kane that reflective in my life.

So everyone is basically in agreement… until Kane says in a sing-song voice, “I am the tag team champions!” Kane runs off, and DB wants to say it back, but Shelby manages to stop him by making an X with his hands over his mouth. Sort of a Super Shush Broad Gesture.

Segment 5: Night of Champions recap, which Rick already recapped.

Segment 6: Alberto Del Rio is in Booker T’s office. ADR calls him a coward for running off on Sunday… see, Books popped out before the title match to reinstate the Brogue Kick (as you know), then ran off before explaining it to ADR. That’s what ADR is taking umbrage with, and he wants an explanation now.

Books is happy to give him one. Books says he completed his investigation and decided it was clean, albeit dangerous, and if ADR wants to stay healthy, he should stay out of Sheamus’s business. But he does feel bad about the timing of the announcement.

ADR takes that a sign that Books is going to give him a new title shot, but Books says “Hell no” to that, and says that he’s got to earn it. So ADR has a match tonight, as he’ll team with Dolph Ziggler against Sheamus and Randy Orton. The fans are happy, I don’t care, and ADR is miffed. Books throws him out of his office, and ADR responds by tossing Booker T’s autobiography (or whatever it is) across the room.

Pre-Segment 7: Eve hits ringside to join commentary for the next match.

Segment 7 [Singles Match]: Layla defeats Natalya by pin. Short… too short, but it was competitive. Natalya proves she’s still the best technical wrestler on the roster, as she made the most of her two minutes, but that’s probably little comfort.

Story here is that Layla kept getting distracted for no reason by Eve at ringside, so Natalya tried to take advantage, mostly to no avail. The final sequence saw Natalya trying the Sharpshooter, but Layla pushed off with her feet. Back to standing, Natalya tried a Dragon Screw, but Layla hopped over that as well and turned it into a reverse jawbreaker… think a Stone Cold Stunner, except it was the back of Natalya’s head striking Layla’s shoulder rather than Natalya’s jaw.

Eve meanwhile continued trying to play the tweener. I guess we’re ignoring her taking advantage of Layla checking on her as the Night of Champions match finish? The commentators certainly played it as she being a tweener.

Segment 8 [Tag Match]: Sheamus & Randy Orton defeat Dolph Ziggler & Alberto Del Rio (w/ Vickie Guerrero & Ricardo Rodriguez) by pin. As fun as it is to hate on Randy Orton, this was a damn fine match all around… Orton didn’t exactly do anything new (his first three moves were stomp, stomp, headlock), but he was watchable from the second tag.

Sheamus got in early offense and was the false face in peril, Orton got the hot tag and was the true face in peril, and Sheamus got the second hot tag to clean house. Pure formula, but damn good. The faces didn’t do much together, but the heels did a great job working together.

The match finish saw Sheamus go for the Brogue Kick, but Dolph ducked it. Sheamus hit his signature backbreaker, but it wasn’t enough to get the job done. Then a Pier Four Brawl broke out, with ADR making the save for Dolph, but eating an RKO for his efforts. Dolph grabbed his Money in the Bank briefcase to use it, but Orton had it scouted and warned Sheamus. Sheamus quickly lined him up and hit a clean Brogue Kick, then made the pin.

Pre-Segment 9: DB is in the ring for his opponent, and we still don’t know who it is. Wait for it…

Cody Rhodes? Huh, okay… I guess we really are trying the process of turning him face. Or is DB a face at this point and I just never noticed the turn?

Segment 9 [Singles Match]: Cody Rhodes defeats Daniel Bryan by pin. Decent match, nothing special, but it existed for story. DB did a good job and went for the No Lock, and that’s when Kane popped out onto the stage. There, he blew his corner pyros, which scared the ref and angered DB. DB started screaming at Kane, giving Cody a chance to recover and hit the Cross Rhodes to end it.

DB basically popped up after the bell and was screaming “No!” at Kane… while Kane was just laughing his ass off.

Segment 10: After commercials, DB is running through the halls (the same halls, in fact) looking for Kane. Kane is there and still laughing, and DB screams at him for ruining his match. Kane is all, “We’re even after the Sandow match.”

DB diverts the subject, that he is the awesome singles competitor, whereas Kane couldn’t wrestle outside of a basement, which is where he belongs. Kane responds that he belongs in a petting zoo. They argue… then notice that Sandow and Rhodes are standing together. The heels talk some shit, so the champs challenge them to a tag match tonight. Sandow and Rhodes look at each other… then go their separate ways.

Kane says it’s totally because they’re scared of him, but DB thinks they’re scared of him. Argument ensues, next segment.

Segment 11: RAW Recap, which I don’t recap (if I remember). They do mention that Cena underwent surgery to have some bone chips removed from his elbow, but that everything went swimmingly (mostly because it was done by the legendary Dr. James Andrews), and he’s going to do what he can to get active again ASAP. [Ed. Note: Big Show is replacing Cena on house shows, facing Punk. But the hope is that Cena will be ready to go for the HiaC PPV in 4 weeks.]

Segment 12 [Singles Match]: Brodus Clay (w/ Naomi & Cameron) squashes Heath Slater by disqualification. Pure squash, until Jinder Mahal and Drew McIntyre (good to finally see him active again) hit the ring and beat the shit out Brodus. Slater joins in, and Brodus gets trashed, ended with Jinder’s Camel Clutch.

The three celebrate over Brodus’s corpse. Meanwhile, some stupid bitch in the crowd is shrieking that would cause even My Melina’s ears to bleed.

Segment 13 [Singles Match]: Santino Marella defeats Antonio Cesaro (w/ Aksana) by pin. Meh. Cesaro basically beat the crap out of Santino in a very time-compressed match. Santino got his rally in less than a minute, then whipped out the Cobra sock. That’s when Aksana hopped up on the apron, which still seems to have magical powers and moved toward her.

This gave Cesaro time to recover, so he slammed Santino, pulled the sock off Santino’s arm, then threw it at the mat. Aksana, for no damn reason, reached in and tried to grab the sock whilst her stomach was on the middle rope. The guys went back and forth, and Santino was thrown off the ropes; the rebound caused the rope to catapult Aksana into the ring.

Cesaro was flawless, hit his Five Moves of Doom, and made the pin. But Aksana was selling her knee, and referee Mike Chioda (yes, Rick, I do pay too close attention to the refs in all sports and sports entertainment… blame my love for officiating) tended to her.

Cesaro knew he had a three count, so he popped up to bitch out the ref… or rather, bitch out Aksana for being stupid for being in the ring. She painfully rolled out and hobbled as she touched the mats at ringside. Meanwhile, Santino did a quick roll up, Chioda counted three, and Santino gets a non-title win off the US Champion.

Post-Segment 13: I thought that would be the end of it, but I guess they’re trying to give Cesaro something interesting to do. He gets a mic and rolls out of the ring with his belt, then hovers over Aksana. He says (in five different languages) that they’re totally finished as a couple.

So, what, instant face turn by proxy for Aksana? Aksana begs for forgiveness, but Cesaro just leaves without looking back. Great…

Segment 14 [Tag Match]: Team Friendship defeats Cody Rhodes & Damien Sandow by DQ. Everybody else in tag teams were at ringside for reasons I don’t understand, unless I missed it in commentary. [Ed. Note: it was a Lumberjack Match.] Decent match, nothing special, the guys didn’t overstay their welcome. Basically all time-compressed, and when the de facto faces were on momentum, Cody smacked Kane in the back with a chair to draw the DQ.

Post-Segment 14: …But during the match, Kane was actually cheering on Daniel Bryan when DB was playing face in peril. So after the DQ happens, Cody wants to hit Kane again with the chair… but it’s DB who makes the save, letting Kane put Cody down.

DB takes the chair and gets in the ring, then readies a chair shot on Cody. But at the last second, with stars in his eyes and Twilight Sparkle dancing around his head, he hands the chair over to Kane. Kane is the one who makes the strike, sending Cody out.

Then Damien is put down, and Kane readies the attack… but DB has an idea for a team building exercise. Rather than put together bicycles like our idiotic government, he decides the real way to build a bond is to beat the shit out of an egotistical jerk. So he gets his own chair, makes the first strike on Damien, then alternates with Kane. Sandow takes a total of nineteen chair shots to the back before the guys are satisfied.

That’s when the other teams—the Usos, the Prime Time Players, and Tyson Kidd & Justin Gabriel—decide that now would be a good time to run. But Kane is faster, and thus starts an assembly line procedure by throwing in each Uso, letting DB smack him in the spine with the chair. The other four try to gang up on Kane, but that doesn’t work, so he sends them each one at a time into the ring for DB’s chair shots.

With bodies strewn everywhere, DB retrieves the titles and hands one to Kane. Both guys celebrate dead center in the ring, holding a title up in one hand and a chair in the other, to the crowd going absolutely bananas. Kane’s arms come down, his pyros fire, and DB doesn’t even seem surprised. All is well with Team Friendship!

…For five seconds, at which point they start arguing again about something the mics don’t pick up. But hey, it’s progress!

Final Thoughts: I’m not usually game for wrestlers pulling double-duty, let alone triple-duty, but they played it off pretty well tonight. They really have caught lightning in a bottle with this team, as the fans were completely into it. Can’t fault results, baby.

The undercard was underwhelming, but nothing really bad. As always, I would have preferred to see the divas go longer than two minutes, but that’ll never happen again, so… whatever. The undercard was “decent but nothing special,” but Team Friendship and the main eventers helped push that higher. Even Orton was solid, which occurs almost as often as Haley’s Comet.

I got nothing more, and my head is spinning, so I’m going to call it for tonight. Hopefully I’ll have the recap on Monday and won’t have to “call in sick,” but we’ll see. Take care this weekend, guys.

Episode Grade: B-