Once again I’m too busy to blather like an idiot at the beginning of these things, but hey: a winner is you! Unless you enjoy me regaling my tales of gross cheese sticks or grosser Wal-Mart customers, I’m sure you came here specifically to read about professional wrestling.
 
  

And read you shall. Just remember that Rick did the recap for No Way Out last night, so read that before continuing unless you don’t mind spoilers. Let’s roll…

Opening: Even though Johnny Ace was fired last night, he gets to show up to make a goodbye speech tonight. Also: Cyndi Lauper is here because it’s 1985 and we’re watching Saturday Night Main Event, I guess.

Segment 1: Uh… but first, Mick Foley? Huh, talk about burying the lead.

Foley hits the ring dressed in a sweet black suit, which is weird. I figure he’s here to pitch himself as the Super GM? Kinda: the Board of Directors called him last night and are apparently going to use former GMs in the interim while finding Ace’s replacement. Mick has taken the offer, so tonight and for SmackDown this week, he’s in charge. And he’s already making matches: tonight it’s Kane and Daniel Bryan versus Sheamus and CM Punk.

But now, it’s time to deal with Ace, so Mick calls him out. And Ace hobbles out with his crutch, but now also a soft collar around his neck and a sling for his right arm. Ace hits the ring, grabs a mic, and he proceeds to insult the audience while wielding the mic with his arm in the sling, like an idiot.

Also like an idiot, he says he’s going to delay his speech until later. The only reason he’s here now is because he made tonight’s main event last night (before he was fired), and that’s going to be John Cena against Big Show, David Otunga, and… uh… Ace himself. He tells Mick “Have a nice day!” angrily before he hobbles away to boos.

That reaction turns to cheers as Sheamus’s music fires up. Ace is still at the foot of the ramp when Sheamus saunters down to the ring, and though they eye each other, no violence or blathering ensues.

Oh wait, now it’s Punk, and Ace still hasn’t made his way up the ramp yet. Ace stands to the side so Punk can do his entrance. Punk takes the moment to kick dirt on Ace’s shoes, even though there’s no dirt to kick. The Broad Gesture suffices, though.

Now we’re going to commercials, and naturally the “main event tag match” is next and jerking the curtain, because I guess Foley is even going to copy Ace’s white sheet from SmackDown too.

Segment 2 [Tag Match]: Sheamus & CM Punk defeat Daniel Bryan & Kane. Decent match, nothing special. All four guys click well together, which isn’t really a surprise, but there weren’t any noteworthy spots this time around.

The ending was pretty damn noteworthy though. With Punk and DB in the ring as legal, DB seemed to be on a roll, but Punk countered out and brought them both down for the double ten-count. That’s when AJ’s music fires up, and the girl skips down the ramp… while wearing a Kane mask, a black and red pair of tights, and a black and red halter top/sports bra thing. I’d be turned on, but the truth is she’s way more terrifying with that Kane mask on than Kane himself is.

She heads down to the ring, never breaking her skipping stride, and skips her away around the ring… then back up the ramp. She never looked at the wrestlers, never reacted to anyone or the crowd, and just pranced like a merry lamb in a pasture. Kane had no idea what the hell happened, but he did what any post-pubescent man would do, and he followed her.

DB, now without a partner, was so bewildered that he couldn’t mount any protests. Naturally, Punk tagged out and immediately hit him with the GTS, and Sheamus immediately followed up with the Blarney Boot. Fin.

Segment 3: Back from commercial, Dolph Ziggler and Jack Swagger are arguing in the back about which of them is more important, and that Vickie Guerrero so totally knows which of them is better. Well, that’s when Vickie arrives and declares that she’s tired of the arguing, so we’re going to the ring to settle this now.

They both storm off, and Vickie looks up to the ceiling with a smile for some reason… perhaps the mere thought of men fighting over gets her excited, I dunno. Meanwhile, the crowd fires up a “We want Ziggler!” chant. Guess we all know who’s going to be the face for that one.

Segment 4: Otunga and Ace are blathering in the back, mocking and laughing behind Mick’s back. That’s when Big Show comes in, who asks what’s so damn funny around here. Ace says that what’s funny are Cena’s chances tonight, since even if he can beat Show one-on-one, he can’t win three-on-one. Show isn’t amused.

Well, Ace says that what else is funny is the fans’ reaction, since none of them deserve him. So what’s funny is that he’s going to leave a lasting impression in the fans’ minds by the end of tonight.

Show doesn’t think that’s funny either and walks away. Otunga stupidly says “Well, he’s in a bad mood.” And then Ace says “Tonight, John Cena is going to get his.” That… seems like a negative punch line, doesn’t it?

Segment 5 [Singles Match]: Dolph Ziggler defeats Jack Swagger by pin. Decent match, nothing special. Swagger basically whipped Dolph’s ass for a few minutes and even applied the ankle lock, but thanks to some triple-reversey stuff, Dolph hit the Zig Zag out of nowhere for the pin.

Meh. The crowd was into it though.

Post-Segment 5: Vickie had been watching from ringside, and after Dolph won, she got in the ring and applauded and hugged him. Then, uh, applied her own version of AJ’s Lip Lock of Womanly Charms. I guess she’s over their breakup and is looking to rekindle the fires, huh?

Segment 6: We get a replay of part of Triple H’s promo last night that targeted Brock Lesnar. Or maybe they replayed the whole thing, I don’t know. Regardless, apparently “rumors are running wild” about whether Brock will take the match. And in the meantime, a limo pulls up, which Jerry Lawler implies is Triple H (or possibly Brock).

But we don’t know yet, because commercials.

Segment 7: Another RAW memory, this one from Jerry Lawler, and he remembers Stone Cold Steve Austin beating the shit out of Vince McMahon in the hospital room, complete with bedpan assault.

Segment 8: It’s Paul Heyman who was in the limo! Heyman says on behalf of Brock that they’re not dropping their lawsuits, and Brock sure as hell isn’t facing Trips at SummerSlam.

And Heyman is done, but Trips’s music hits. Trips hits the ring as Heyman looks for a clean change of pants, though why he seems like he wouldn’t expect this, I have no clue. Trips gets in the ring and says that no one is drinking Heyman’s Kool-Aid: Brock will fight him, and that’s because doing so will let Brock main event SummerSlam. And hell, that’s all Lesnar wants, right? Just to be the “face” of the show? Trips even displays the theoretical “film poster” for SummerSlam, which is just an extremely uncomfortable close-up of Brock’s sweaty O-face. It’s an image that will be forever burned into your subconscious, so unless your name is Rena, I’d recommend against seeing it.

Heyman continues to insist that Brock won’t do it, so Trips plays the coward card and says that if Brock doesn’t show up, everyone will just say that Brock is scared of Trips.

Heyman congratulates Trips on nearly fooling him, but he’s just not buying it. He tells Trips to stop pretending that he’s the wrestler he used to be, and just go back to Connecticut where everyone caters to his every whim.

Heyman then attempts to bait Trips, saying that he (Heyman) is totally making Trips mad by laying this truth on him. Trips’s managing style resembles Vince’s more every day, so just as Heyman used to push Vince’s buttons, Heyman knows he can push Trips’s the same way. So he invites Trips to punch him again so Heyman can sue them so hard that he’ll own WWE. And with a Heyman-owned WWE, he won’t have anything for Trips to do… but he will have something for Stephanie.

Well that doesn’t go over well, so Trips grabs Heyman’s collar. But Trips eventually lets him go, and Heyman returns to being all smiles. Heyman knows he can outthink Trips, and that he’s smarter than him! He can see everything Trips does a mile away!

PUNCH. Heyman falls on his ass. Trips kneels over Heyman’s body, basically a half-foot away from teabagging him, and asks if Heyman saw that coming. Predictable joke but still funny. Trips finishes that he will see Brock at SummerSlam, unless Brock is afraid that Trips will do the same thing to him.

Segment 9 [Singles Match]: Alberto Del Rio (w/ Ricardo Rodriguez) by pin. Wow, that happened faster than I thought it would… I mean ADR’s return, not the match, which was only about 40 seconds long and didn’t exceed expectations.

It was basically a squash, with ADR doing most of the work, but Santino doing head-targeted offense. And with ADR back from concussion, head-targeted offense had super powers! But not super enough, because when Santino went for a Cobra, ADR just up and did his step-up enziguri. From there, it was an armbar, and Santino tapped immediately.

After the match, RR did an arm DDT to Santino just to be a jerk. ADR thought it was great.

Segment 10: Back from commercial and Layla is already in the ring. She’s here only to introduce Wendi Richter and Cyndi Lauper. Richter looks a little out of shape, but Lauper is already hopping on the stage and is looking pretty good. Not bad for a woman nearly 60, man.

They cut… a… well, a promo, I guess. Cole acts like it’s a total train wreck, but I’m not sure why, unless he’s just merely complaining that there isn’t anything, you know, happening. It’s just Wendi and Cyndi basically going on about how long it’s been and how awesome it is to be back in WWE. Granted, Wendi seemed like she forgot how directional mics work, and Cyndi may have been a little tired and/or drunk, but it wasn’t awful.

And hell, it only lasted about twenty seconds. That’s when Heath Slater arrived, and he literally calls the proceedings a train wreck as he gets in the ring. Slater tries to put himself over, but Cyndi hilariously just keeps insulting him. Slater eventually gestures the girls to the north ropes while he… uh… makes noises that he would call singing. Lauper says over him “This is the worst thing I’ve heard since my cat died.” That’s direct.

And then, because it’s 1985 and I’m only three-years-old here, Roddy Piper decides to hit the ring. Lauper orgasms as he gets in the ring, especially as he kisses her hand. Slater shows that he knows history by saying that Piper never liked her, so why is he here? Lauper replies that Piper saw the error of his ways and is just out here to apologize, which means Lauper knows how to work promos and close plot loop holes better than Randy Orton. Piper just goes the other way and says that “when girls want to have fun, they call me.”

More of a trip down memory lane as they chat, while Cole continually snickers and laughs and mocks the whole thing. Piper then gives Lauper a present… he brings up a time when he smacked Captain Lou Albano with a gold record, apologizes to Albano’s memory for it, then presents Lauper with a framed gold record of… something. I don’t know what it is. The fans are showing proper respect (chanting for Piper and Lou as necessary), but Cole continues to just bury the segment.

Slater is a bit more vocal about his protests, saying that all this happened nearly three decades ago, and no one remembers or cares. So he tells them all to get out of the ring so he can finish his own “song.” Piper stops him to poke him in the eyes… and Lauper follows up by bashing the framed picture over his head. Slater even gets a cut on his forehead as a result as the music places them off.

What music? Why, “Echo” by Cyndi Lauper, available right now on iTunes! So amazing that we had to kill the last 11 minutes to get there!

Pre-Segment 11: RRRRRROOOSSSAAA!!! Ah, it’s been too long since I’ve been able to say that… Lauper is nice and all, but Rosa is… well… she’s Rosa, you know?

AW then hits the stage with an ear-mounted mic so he can make a fairly awesome intro while doing dramatic hand and arm waves. It works, and the Prime Time Players hit the ring presently to shitty music.

Segment 11 [Tag Match]: Epico & Primo (w/ My Rosa Mendes) defeat The Prime Time Players (w/ AW) by countout. Decent match. A little short, but when you have a heel-vs.-heel match, the crowd simply isn’t into it, and letting it go on too long would be counterproductive. While I may cheer for My Rosa, no one else cares despite Epico and Primo being booked as the de facto faces for this match. No mistake, they’re still heels (for now).

Great team work from TPTP as always. Once Epico and Primo had enough of that shit though, they went on a solid offense that concluded with a Backstabber to Titus O’Neil. He powdered out, and soon Darren Young was sent out too from a modified Pier Four Brawl little spot. Epico and Primo wanted to follow up by doing stereo suicide dives, but AW shielded his clients, causing Epico and Primo to pull up short.

They were on the west side of the ring anyway at that point, so AW shuffled them up the ramp while all three talked shit to their opponents and the crowd. (I think O’Neil actually says “Shut the hell up, white boy” to someone in the crowd, who I’m hoping is actually not a kid.) After all, TPTP are the new #1 contenders to the Tag Team Titles, so why risk injury against two jerks in a throwaway match?

Also: My Rosa was looking tasty and put me in the mood for tacos. But you knew that.

Segment 12: After commercials, Ace is in the ring and blathering like an idiot as usual. He recaps the main event from No Way Out and the following spots, then says that we’re going to be so sad now that we won’t have People Power. Oh, and we’re all losers. But don’t worry, we’ll see him again when he’s inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame.

Then Ace makes the introductions for the main events, then we go to commercials.

Pre-Segment 13: Back from the ads, and Teddy Long of all people is out here. Michael Cole is falling all over himself sucking up to Teddy, even offering him to sit beside them on commentary. Now, for this next visual joke that I’m not sure why I’m bothering to explain, you have to know that for the past however many weeks, Teddy has been wearing a giant “Hello my name is Teddy” nametag on his shirt. (You know, just in case you don’t actually watch wrestling and just check out all our award-winning recaps.) Cole says “That’s a nice sign,” and Teddy immediately rips it off his shirt and tears it into several pieces. Cole immediately says, “Yeah, I never liked that sign.”

My question: if Long was just going to do that and Ace no longer has power, why the hell did he put it on in the first place? Also: where has Eve been this whole time?

So T-Long sits down finally, and Big Show picks up a mic. He points out that it took six guys to cause him to lose last night, and that’s why this three-on-one match is totally fair. But anyway, Show thanks him for his new contract and shit-tons of cash. But since he can beat Cena on his own and doesn’t see much reason to be here, well… Otunga and Ace are on their own.

Huh, okay.

Segment 13 [1-on-2 Handicap Match, Tag Rules]: John Cena defeats Johnny Ace & David Otunga by submission. The only surprise here is the crowd. They were solidly 50/50 cheers-to-boos when the match started, but wound up being probably 106/-4 by the time it was over.

Standard Cena match, so I’m sure you’re totally surprised. Otunga beat the shit out of Cena for a couple minutes, then tagged out to Ace. But Ace immediately discarded his crutch, soft collar, and his sling, because he so totally wasn’t injured. This is a shock to absolutely no one who was paying attention in the first segment. Of course, given Ace’s inability to sell, I’m pretty sure no one would have realized the problem in the first place.

Ace then proceeds to show how awesome and So Totally Healthy he is by “stomping” Cena with all the footwork and intensity of a first-grade girls’ soccer team, except with less leg power. Ace makes the cover but is shocked that this wasn’t enough to put him away, so he goes to tag out…

Except Otunga isn’t having it. Otunga hops off the apron and just walks away, causing him to get the first cheers of his career. Cena remembers he’s goddamn Cena, so he gets up and is instantly 100% healthy. So he beats the crap out of Ace, hits him with the FU while ironically screaming “People Power,” hits a second FU due to the crowd demanding an encore, hits a third FU because the crowd (including the dudes) still won’t finish screaming, then slaps on the STF to end it.

So now we know we know the secret to getting Cena universally loved: we just need someone in the WWE corporate headquarters to fuck up the company for 15 years!

Final Thoughts: So the main event and all things Cyndi Lauper were purely crowd-pleasers. I don’t mind that, not really… but I can’t help but feel that absolutely nothing got accomplished here. I guess it’s a decent send off for Ace’s character until they inevitably bring him back for a stupid reason, but Ace’s character is pretty low on the list of reasons we should be watching WWE, you know?

Gotta roll out, guys. I’ll see you this weekend for SmackDown.

Episode Grade: C