I want to thank everyone who donated to the cause, even it was as little as a single dollar, because the response was way more numerous than I had thought. Trust me: you guys made a serious impact on the situation. We found out at the 11th hour that he wouldn’t be able to afford the funeral, and your donations not only helped deflect the cost, you made the funeral possible. You left my friend speechless, and you left me with some restoration of faith in humanity. Thanks to you, a good woman was buried with the respect and dignity she deserved, and on behalf of my friend and myself, I cannot thank you guys enough for what you did. I mean, literally, if there was anything I could do for you to publicly thank you enough, I would… I suppose helping you pad your Madden NFL 13 head-to-head records is within my power, but not much else… but know that if there is anything I can do for you, just let me know.

Okay, so… let’s get to SmackDown, which, according to Rick’s spoilers, was pretty damn good. Let’s see…

Segment 1: I like boobs. No really, I do. And I think Lilian Garcia is hot, but a dress that bulky doesn’t show off her curves. I’m sad… at least until My Rosa Mendes pops out tonight (if she does).

Instead though, it’s Sheamus who’s opening the show tonight. But he’s not here to talk about himself, strangely… the theme of tonight is whether Triple H is done, and Sheamus is here to put Trips over. He totally respects him, since Trips is the one who gave Sheamus his first WrestleMania loss. So on behalf of the fans, Sheamus hopes Trips isn’t actually going to hang it up, because Trips embodies everything a champion is supposed to be. Unlike his Night of Champions opponent, Alberto Del Rio, who—

HALLLLLLELUJAH! Here comes Damien Sandow, and he begs our indulgence for just one moment. He says Sheamus is “just as ignorant as you are enormous.” After all, it’s Triple H and his D-Generation X rouges who kicked his ass on RAW 1000. Sheamus said that whole segment was great! Sandow replies that that’s a “typical response from an ignorance-spewing hooligan.” Burn!

Sandow says that we unwashed masses are dragged down into our own ignorance and ineptitude because of Sheamus’s promos. Sheamus is no “proud Irishman”! He’s just a jerk who brings disgrace and dishonor to WWE while promoting terrible stereotypes!

Sheamus interrupts him: he says that Sandow totally just wants to blather for 20 minutes, but we don’t want to hear it, because we actually have lives! (Sandow: “And I’m here to enrich it!” Nice!) So if Sandow really wants to blather, why doesn’t Sandow get in the ring and say this crap to Sheamus’s face?

Sandow says he’d love to get in the ring and “thrash” Sheamus with a philosophical debate, but Sandow has determined that Sheamus isn’t worth his time: “I can’t help that, that’s just the way it is. Therefore, I have now saved you from the intellectual thrashing that you were about to receive. I will now take my leave… You’re welcome!”

But Sandow doesn’t get halfway up the ramp when Booker T’s music fires up. Sandow looks like he was caught with his hand in the garbage disposal, but Booker T says that he actually agrees with Sandow: no one wants to see a philosophical thrashing. But the fans do want to see a physical thrashing, and they ARE in Green Bay Wisconsin tonight! I thought Booker T was going to make be unhappy by showing a replay of Super Bowl XLV on the Titantron, but no: he’s booking a singles match between Sandow and Sheamus for tonight’s main event!

Segment 2 [Singles Match]: Rey Mysterio defeats Cody Rhodes by pin. Before the match, we got a to-camera monologue from Cody where he was putting down the fact that Rey and Sin Cara wear masks, and that they do so because the masks are false idols, or something. And the commentators jumped on that, spending basically the whole match talking about what the masks mean to lucha libre and luchadores themselves, and I have to admit that even Michael Cole did a good job of introducing the concept to audiences who may not be familiar with it… such as the typical WWE audience, which may or may not have yet hit puberty.

The match itself was pretty formulaic, which isn’t a bad thing. Part of the story here that the commentators were telling is that Cody has been so obsessed with trying to rip the mask off Rey and Cara that it’s been backfiring, leaving him vulnerable. Such was the story here, as his attempt to pull Rey’s mask off late in the match put Rey in a position where he did a forward somersault, sending Cody face-first into the turnbuckle. After a little more back-and-forth, Rey went for the 619, but Cody blocked it… but Cody went for the mask again, allowing Rey to hit a jawbreaker out-of-nowhere and make the follow-up pin.

Post-Segment 2: But Cody wasn’t done, and just beat the shit out of Rey. Cody went for the mast again, but Sin Cara hit the ring to make the save. Cara got Rey in the 619 position, and Rey—once he got up—hit it clean.

Then, with Cody flat on his back and his brains scrambled, Cara pulled a duplicate Sin Cara mask and slapped it on Cody. It was a little awkward, but Cody sold it as humiliating, and without the strength to pull it off. Nice job all around, and it’s the first Rey Mysterio angle I’ve watched in years that didn’t bore me to tears.

Segment 3: Replay of Monday’s bit where Daniel Bryan had to attend the anger management class. Will we see all three bits again? We’ll find out…

Pre-Segment 4: I keep going back and forth about Eve… most of the time I don’t find her hot, but sometimes, with certain outfits or lighting or something… Well, I already did mention I love boobs, and Eve has plenty of them.

Anyway, Eve is out here to be on commentary for the next match, and… Oh, that’s why Rick said it was going to be a good SmackDown! Up next is Kaitlyn vs. Natalya, which is his equivalent of a Rosa vs. Melina match for me. Except, you know, with some degree of actual in-ring talent. [Ed. Note: when I get around to watching on DVR, I intend to honor the wisdom of CM Punk, and not wear any pants. Nattie and Kaitlyn are a whole lotta what-I'm-talking-about. And Bespectacled Eve at the same time. I'm there.]

Segment 4 [Singles Match]: Kaitlyn defeats Natalya by pin. Decent match, nothing special, aside from one spot. Natalya dominated and basically went punchy-kicky for the first half of the match which was a little surprising. Then she went technical, twisting Kaitlyn into an abdominal stretch in the center of the ring. At this point, I went “meh, show me something else,” and Natalya must have heard me through the space-time continuum, because she started slapping the ribs that become very exposed during that particular move. So I instantly took notice, and then Natalya one-upped herself by using that same hand to pull Kaitlyn’s leg up at the same time. Which means Natalya was basically doing an abdominal stretch and a single leg Boston Crab simultaneously. I’d be impressed, except I was too busy rocking back and forth in the fetal position and crying as I asked how Kaitlyn could possibly take that move without rubber for tendons.

Kaitlyn’s bendy ways let her eventually counter out and start her rally, but Natalya ended that with a spinning clothesline. But when Natalya only got a two-count and took out her frustration by stomping Kaitlyn repeatedly, Kaitlyn grabbed her ankle, quickly rolled her up, and got the surprise three count!

Eve seemed confused at the result, but did a good job on commentary (which basically consisted of putting over Booker T and his handling of the divas’ division). She’s pretty damn good on the headset… I’ll listen to her over Booker T himself any day of the week.

Segment 5: Matt Striker interviews Booker T in the back. Apparently the mere position of general manager is in jeopardy because AJ Lee attacked Vickie Guerrero on RAW. Cole says the criminally stupid line: “This is unheard of! When was the last time you saw a general manager attack one of their employees???” Uh… try every single GM ever to hold the position, ass-hat.

Anyway, Booker T is somewhat concerned, since AJ so totally overstepped her authority when she made the contract-versus-contract match between Chris Jericho and Dolph Ziggler two weeks ago, and this attack against Vickie last Monday sealed it. Booker T is certain that AJ is totally “off her rocker.”

Vickie herself arrives two seconds later and adds that even her friends are turning their backs on AJ, and that everyone in the world is e-mailing Vickie to take some sort of legal repercussion against her. She assures the fans that AJ’s “mentally deranged-child reign of terror” will end soon, especially because Vickie has spoken to the Board of Directors. The Board promises that they’ll take action… and if they don’t, Vickie totally will. [Ed. Note: I said it Monday, and now that they seem to be exploring the possibility, I'll say it again... if they need a new GM, Ric Flair is legally allowed to return to WWE TV on Monday, September 10. Not sayin', just sayin'. Then again, some rumors are swirling that Vickie will become the crooked heel GM, and Flair will show up to be Dolph's new manager. Either wway.]

Booker doesn’t say more, but he watches her leave with some concern.

Segment 6: RAW Rebound, and we don’t recap recaps around here.

Segment 7: Replay of the second Daniel Bryan anger management angle.

Segment 8 [Singles Match]: Sheamus defeats Damien Sandow by intentional countout. Huh, guess this wasn’t the main event after all. Fun match, nothing special, but it does defeat any last shred of worry from me that Sandow doesn’t have a move set. Sandow’s move set is a little dirty (punchy, kicky, slammy, hair grabby), but it fits with a heel, and he really pulls it off well. Plus Sandow has some technical knowledge, even whipped out an honest-to-God sleeper hold at one point.

Damien in fact had the early offense, as he pulled the chickenshit heel act and didn’t give Sheamus a chance to rest. But Sandow eventually fell for the ten clubbing blows, and then started to just run like hell. Every time he slipped out of the ring, Sheamus would follow and fling him back in. Finally, Sandow blocked the last attempt by pushing Sheamus ribs-first into the edge of the apron. While Sheamus sold that, Sandow hauled ass up the ramp and just left through the gorilla position before the ref had even counted to five. Sheamus disappointedly just got back in the ring, waited for the ten, and took his win.

For what it was, it was solid character building for Sandow, and continues to give Sheamus some momentum. Good stuff all around.

Segment 9 [Tag Match]: The Prime Time Players defeat Justin Gabriel & Tyson Kidd. Gabriel looks much better now that he’s growing his hair out, rather than looking like his scalp lost a fight with a wood chipper.

There was a ridiculous spot early, and I’ll try to accurately describe it here, but you’ll probably need to see it for yourself. It started with Young doing a simple arm twist to Gabriel. Gabriel countered out and swept the front of Young’s ankles, causing Young to fall on his gut facing the south side of the ring. Gabriel then hit the north ropes, and Kidd tagged himself in. Gabriel continued running, hopping over Young, hitting the south ropes, then doing a jumping reverse neck snap to Young and holding him in that position… so basically, Gabriel held Young in a camel clutch position, except they were lying back-to-back. While Young was held like that, Kidd came in, bounced off the south ropes, then ran forward and delivered a Stiff As Fuck running kick to Young’s chest and collarbone. It absolutely sick, perfectly executed by everyone, and caused me cringe. Can’t ask for more than that.

It wasn’t long before the faces lost momentum, and the Prime Time Players did the heel beatdown sequence against Kidd with fantastic double team moves. But it was a time-compressed segment, and Gabriel got the hot tag soon. Pier Four Brawl, and Gabriel went to the top rope for the 450. But too much time was taken while the illegal men tried to interfere, and Young recovered enough to kick Gabriel’s ankle, making him crotch himself on the top rope.

Young grabbed Gabriel, then proceeded to do a cross between an FU and a Codebreaker. Young put Gabriel up on his shoulders in the FU position, but then tossed him in the air and fell backwards with his knees out, basically taking gravity’s assistance to give Gabriel a super gut buster… except he sorta botched it and Gabriel landed more on Young’s shins and toes, but whatever: I’m sure that’d hurt like a bitch too. With Kidd down, Young made the quick cover, and the heels take the win.

Segment 10: Replay of the third anger management bit, this one voiced by Kane. This is the good one, and if you want a reminder at how awesome it can be to channel Deadpool and be self-aware, check out the YouTube clip…

Segment 11: It’s time for an “exclusive interview” with Alberto Del Rio, conducted by Josh Mathews of all people in the ring. ADR puts himself over as he caused Randy Orton to tap out last week to become #1 contender to Sheamus’s World Heavyweight Title, and he assures us that he’s so totally going to make Sheamus tap out as well.

ADR’s high lasts two seconds, as Mathews points out that Sheamus has beaten him every time they fought. ADR replies that Kane’s attack on Mathews a few weeks ago is nothing compared to what ADR is going to do to him right now.

That’s when Kane’s pyros go off, and Mathews suddenly shows all the bravery and intelligence of a diva when Vince McMahon is in one of his misogynist moods. Mathews looks around, finally gets out of the ring, then looks around some more, and for some reason can’t find a way to escape at all, so he awkwardly stands directly in front of Lilian Garcia and the timekeeper. Apparently, those thigh-high barricades are just impregnable.

ADR leaves the ring as well as Kane gets in. Kane, rather than blowing pyros or chasing anyone, gets a mic and… introduces himself. He says that his therapist has asked him to come out to the ring and apologize as part of his ongoing therapy. “Josh, I’m sorry about throwing you over the barricade at SummerSlam,” he says with a Ben Stein-like lack of emotion or sincerity. It’s… funny, but certainly not a direction I’d ever see Kane take. Then again, all of Kane’s gimmicks are directions we never thought we’d see the poor guy take. At least this one is entertaining.

Kane wraps up by thanking Josh for “playing a role in his recovery program,” then sets the mic down and starts to leave without blowing his pyro. But then Teddy Long’s music fires up, and T-Long says that ADR better hope Kane is getting good grades in his anger management program, because these two are going to have a match right the hell now (after commercials). ADR protests, and Kane just looks confused.

Segment 12 [Singles Match]: Alberto Del Rio (w/ Ricardo Rodriguez) defeats Kane by pin. Decent match, a bit on the short side, but ADR needed the win to maintain momentum. Mathews spent the entire match muttering about how scared he was with Kane being ten feet away, and Cole did 90% of the commentary as a result.

The match was short, nothing special. Kane dominated the whole thing, but as he was setting up his Five Moves of Doom, RR decided to trip Kane up. Kane turned around, grabbed RR by the hair, and lifted him to the apron. No idea what Kane was going to do from there though, because ADR grabbed Kane from behind and hit a Backstabber. That was enough apparently, and Kane took the pin.

Post-Segment 12: Kane flexes his fist, then slides out of the ring. Cole and Mathews bail, but Kane chases them and gives Mathews a hip toss onto the black mats. Kane grabs his hair in shock at his own actions, then starts screaming “I’m sorry Josh! I’m sorry I’m taking my anger out on you!,” then flings him into the ring.

As Kane enters the ring, the crowd hilariously lights up with a “Beat up Cole! Beat up Cole!” chant. Fucking fantastic; whoever started that wins 150 bonus points and a free cookie. In the ring, Josh is on spaghetti legs, so Kane helps him by grabbing him by the throat. Mathews goes up for a moment, then comes crashing down in a chokeslam… at least, that was the intention, but Mathews landed on his leg first as it folded under him. Good way to snap your leg or tear a tendon… man, I hope he’s okay.

Mathews sells it like a gunshot, and Kane finally blows his corner pyros. The crowd doesn’t seem too upset about the situation.

Pre-Segment 13: Back from commercial, Cole reports that he was helped back to the back by EMTs and trainers, and he does his super-serious voice as he pleads for both GMs to protect the announcers.

Segment 13: Replay of Triple H’s “emotional” speech from Monday. Cole tries like hell to sell it as something super-serious and dripping with genuine emotion, but… no. Just, no.

Segment 14 [Singles Match]: Randy Orton defeats Dolph Ziggler (w/ Vickie Guerrero) by pin. Meh. The crowd was super-hot for this match and Randy Orton in particular, although there were some competing “Let’s go Orton! Let’s go Ziggler!” chants throughout the match.

Nothing to speak of here, no high spots. Dolph did well enough and Orton was… okay. The match ended with an RKO out of nowhere as Dolph tried his own Five Moves of Doom.

Post-Segment 14: Despite Orton’s music playing, Vickie grabbed a mic and just shrieked “And still, your Money in the Bank winner, Dolph Ziggler! Good job, Dolph!”

Absolutely everyone was confused about that, especially Orton. Vickie just shoved the mic back into Lilian’s chest, then left… while taunting Orton with the briefcase. Weird.

Final Thoughts: Meh. The first hour was surprisingly strong, and I’m glad to see Damien Sandow doing in matches that last longer than 45 seconds. The tag division is heating up, and of course the divas are suddenly coming back for some reason (even if they are led by the green Kaitlyn and overrated Layla). So, that’s all well and good.

But the second hour just… tapered… off. Kane is entertaining but his new gimmick is a little stupid, and Alberto Del Rio still bores me. Not as much as Orton of course, and I have no damn idea why Orton and Dolph were thrown into the main event together. So… it was decent, I guess, but nothing you really need to find on YouTube.

I think that’s it from me, guys. Now, Rick might have to cover the recap on Monday, as the storm from Isaac is starting to roll through the Midwest, and we all know that my DISH Network signal tends to drop out at the slightest provocation. (Rick: Do you have cable, or have you just been lucky with the same storms I experience? Or am I just unlucky?) [Ed. Note: Time Warner Cable for me. And while I have little else good to say about them, my service, at least, is not affected by drizzle.]
 
But one of us will be here on Monday night-slash-Tuesday evening to bring you the latest from WWE. See ya then, and take care on this Labor Day weekend!

Episode Grade: C+