And then here comes Dolph Ziggler, who says he will be the next WHC. And he was totally planning on cashing it on Sheamus at Money in the Bank, but it’s all ADR’s fault it didn’t happen. ADR bickers back about that and insults Vickie Guerrero in the process.

Well, Rey got so bored that he just decided to take a seat on the top rope and watch the proceedings. Rey suggests they punch each other if they really have issues. Dolph half-agrees… he thinks he and ADR should team up to punch Rey right now. (Just because Rey called them “ladies,” I guess.)

So Rey hops off the ropes and readies himself, but Sheamus hits the ring. He talks some shit, then he and Rey ready themselves. ADR decides to ready himself by running away, so Sheamus hits Dolph with the Blarney Boot, which magically puts him in the 619 position. Dolph bails before Rey can hit it, but the faces stand tall in the ring.

Pre-Segment 1: Right after commercial, it’s announced that whoever the hell the GM is tonight has made the obvious tag match. Also: RRRRRROOOSSSAAA!!!

Segment 2 [8-Man Tag Match]: The Prime Time Players, Hunico, & Camacho (w/ AW) defeat Epico, Primo, Kofi Kingston, & R-Truth (w/ My Rosa Mendes) by pin. Solid match. Normally eight-man tag matches are total clusterfucks, but they actually took some time with this one and let it develop. Hot crowd, solid match all around.

Faces with the early advantage, but then Kofi wound up as the face in peril. AW talked shit the whole time since Kofi and Truth “cheated” the PTP on RAW, but Kofi responded to that mess by working out of it and getting the hot tag to Primo.

Primo went a house of fire and attempted the pin, but all the heels hit the ring to break up that mess. A Pier Eight Brawl ensued, with basically everyone powdering out. Young and Primo were the legal men at that point, with Primo in the corner. Young charged, but Primo did a slick reverse skin the cat to kick him in the fact, then climbed the to the top rope. Epico hopped up on the apron then to talk to the referee, but AW had seen that trick before. He managed to order Titus O’Neil to climb the ring and shove Primo in the ass to send him off the top rope. As he fell, Young intentionally dropped to his own back, sticking his knees in the air. It was timed perfectly, and Primo fell gut-first into his knees, so I guess you could call it a super gutbuster. Either way, Primo wasn’t getting up from that, and he took the pin.

Don’t worry, Rosa; just come on over and I’ll lick your pain away. (That wasn’t too forward, was it? Nahhh…)

Post-Segment 3: So the PTP dance as they always do at the foot of the ramp... and then Big Show’s music fires up. Not sure where PTP goes, but they’re gone by the time Show passes that spot. Show gets in the ring, and for some reason Truth tries to punch him.

That goes about as well as you’d expect, although all the faces start in on Show and start to get some momentum. Then the PTP reappear long enough to pull Kofi off the apron and kick them, then run away again. That lets Show go around and beat the hell out of everyone in dumb ninja style. Truth again gets one slap in before getting taken down, and that’s it. Show follows up with the WMD to Primo for absolutely no reason.

Show stands over the four bodies—he beat up Hunico and Camacho too, and I’m not sure where Epico went—gets a mic, and just says: “And… what?” Cue the music!

Well… message received. Who can stop Big Show?

Segment 4: Not Jeremy Piven, but he gets to share his RAW memory anyway. Why? [Ed. Note: because SummerFest is fast approaching!]

Pre-Segment 5: So we’ve got a match next, and Damien Sandow is already in the ring. Zack Ryder starts to make his entrance and is all smiles, but Sandow gets a mic and starts saying that we’re idiots for supporting this “brainless Broski.” And he gets massive boos as Zack gives a “the hell you doing, bro?” expression.

Sandow says that we should all be ashamed of ourselves, but doesn’t get much further, as Zack dives in and gets in a few shots. The ref manages to break them up long enough to actually start the match proper.

Segment 5 [Singles Match]: Damien Sandow defeats Zack Ryder by pin. Zack managed to get in the early offense too, but then Sandow put a stop to that and just flipped a switch, beating the ever-loving hell out him. And even though it was all punchy-kicky-stompy, there was a natural flow to it that prevented it from being boring. Sandow eventually hit his finisher (the cross-armed neckbreaker which, I think, still doesn’t have a name), and was so unhappy that he made a normal pin without the bedroom eyes.

After the match, Sandow planted a foot into Zack’s ribs just to be a jerk, and only then relaxed with his smile and cartwheel. Sandow is still my new favorite.

…Sorry, Zack.

Segment 6: Back from commercial, Christian is already in the ring, which is decked out for the Peep Show. We get a video recap of Daniel Bryan’s proposal to AJ, then the happy couple hits the ring to join them. AJ is wearing a similar “Yes! Yes! Yes!” shirt that DB usually wears.

So AJ starts by giving us an absolutely ridiculous clip of their wedding planning, with DB being a little too overly romantic. The crowd boos the hell out of it, and Christian calls it “uh… special.”

So then Christian hits him with a firm question: are you sure you know what you’re doing here? DB replies yes. So Christian asks if AJ has truly forgiven him for the mess since WrestleMania, and she yes too. So they start together chanting “Yes! Yes!” when Christian asks if it’s true love.

Well, the fans disagree with that and starting “No!” back. Christian rides that momentum and polls the audience on whether AJ should marry DB, and whether DB actually really loves her. Christian repeats his question whether AJ really knows what she’s doing, and AJ slaps him.

DB starts to lead her out, but Christian stops them. He says he’ll let the slap go, especially because DB has been so busy that he didn’t realize he had a match tonight… against AJ’s “psychotic ex-boyfriend.” Who?

Oh, Kane. Hi buddy!

Segment 7 [Singles Match]: Kane defeats Daniel Bryan (w/ AJ) by disqualification. Decent match, nothing special. It was solid, but not nearly as good as Kane’s previous matches with DB. DB had most of the offense but eventually Kane started his comeback, which is when AJ decided to get on the ropes and jump onto Kane’s back with a scissored sleeper.

Post-Segment 7: DB tried some cheap shots while Kane was getting ridden by AJ, but Kane was able to deal with it by kicking DB away. AJ then continued her sleeper but, as Kane jostled to try to get her away, AJ sort of spun in place while holding Kane’s neck. Moments later, she started giving him a scissored sleeper, but now facing Kane instead of being on his back.

Bedroom eyes were exchanged, but no saliva. AJ finally let go and gazed at Kane. DB then gently pulled her out of the ring, then led her away. He lacked the former jealousy but still asked what that was about, but AJ made it up to him by shoving her tongue down his throat on the stage. Kane looked a little confused, but not angry or conflicted.

Segment 8: Zack Ryder’s memory of RAW is GTV, since he calls it a precursor to True Long Island Story.

Pre-Segment 9: Rerun of Heath Slater’s “memories” of RAW, where he has revisionist history on hanging out with the legends. Once that finishes, he says that all that crap with the legends happened on RAW, so now he’s on SmackDown! And his luck is going to change!

And apparently we’re about to have a rush. Oooooooooo…

Segment 9 [Singles Match]: Road Warrior Animal squashes Heath Slater by pin. Meh. Did what it needed to do, but Animal doesn’t exactly “still have it.”

Cut Scene: Ricardo Rodriguez and Vickie Guerrero are arguing in Spanglish in the back. Dunno what it was about, exactly, but it ended with Vickie going all Banshee on RR’s face. I guess it’s just show that there is going to be some trust issues for the heels in the tag match?

Pre-Segment 10: Yup. While RR is doing his long-winded introduction for ADR, Vickie just starts screaming her introduction for Dolph. Heh.

Segment 10 [Tag Match]: Sheamus & Rey Mysterio defeat Alberto Del Rio & Dolph Ziggler (w/ Ricardo Rodriguez & Vickie Guerrero) by disqualification. Excellent match with lots of offense to go around, but no massively noteworthy spots. Brilliantly executed though, all four guys worked well together, and it’s definitely a should-watch. It also was like 25 minutes or so, unless I lost my mind entirely.

Both faces took turns at being face in peril, but it was Rey who was the FIP last. He got in his hot tag and Sheamus dominated, hitting ADR with White Noise and readied the Blarney Boot. But RR grabbed Sheamus’s ankle, stopping him from doing so… and drawing the DQ? Huh, that makes sense, I just didn’t think they’d pull that twice in one night.

Post-Segment 10: Sheamus kicked RR off, but ADR ran up and kicked him in the head… then slapped on a stiff armbar. (It helped that ADR did mostly arm-targeted offense to Sheamus during the match.) All five active refs hit the ring and had to use their combined strength to finally pull them apart, and Sheamus slightly oversold it (in a good way).

ADR was done though, so he took RR and left. Outside the ring, Vickie shoved the briefcase into Dolph’s chest and gently reminded him that, hey, Sheamus is practically jelly right now. Dolph slid in the ring and handed the briefcase to one of the departing refs, but before he could actually get the match started, Rey appeared and sent Dolph into the 619 position. This time, Rey hit it perfect, and as Dolph recoiled from it, Sheamus was on his feet and Blarney Booted Dolph’s head off his shoulders.

The faces stood tall, and Rey politely even handed Sheamus’s title belt to him without making eyes at it. Sheamus celebrated, and we’re out.

Final Thoughts: This was one of those schizophrenic episodes where the filler was really bad, but the good was really good. The main event is a should-watch, all the other matches aside from Slater’s are can-watches, and it was a decent night overall… just not exceptionally value-added. I have a feeling next week will be better, as we’ll have a GM, and any massive surprises will be dealt with on RAW. SmackDown was watchable on heavy fast-forward; they did another segment for Touts, and I forgot to put where in the recap, and I’m sure as hell not going back to find it.

Speaking of RAW, it’s going to be a doozy. You already know the drill: Punk/Cena for the title, DX reunites at 8pm sharp, The Rock will be there, Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman will be there, AJ and DB get “married,” there were hints that the Undertaker might show up, surprise legends and cameos are near-guaranteed (Stone Cold Steve Austin, maybe? Mick Foley, probably?), and more. Even better, it turns out there’s going to be a surprise for you on this very website too! Definitely check out the RAW recap on Tuesday!

As for me, I’m done for the weekend. I think we’ll be in business-as-usual mode after RAW, because at least we’ll know where all the pieces are as we head into SummerSlam. Have a good weekend guys, try to be safe, and I’ll see you soon.

Episode Grade: B- (matches), D+ (everything else)