Even though I never found the time to have my Godfather marathon last week (nor watching a single MLB game, and I don’t have a phone that can even take pictures much less have cool apps like At Bat), I did take two hours out of my projects to watch some Netflix. Normally, this wouldn’t be news; it’s been a long time since I’ve used these precaps as Pyro’s Movie Corner. But specifically, Netflix recently added WWE’s Greatest Rivalries: Shawn Michaels vs. Bret Hart to instant watching. I’ve been wanting to see that since it came out last… what, November? I meant to get it on release day but forgot, and I never picked it up.
 

It’s no secret that Bret Hart is unapologetically in my top-3 wrestlers of all time (possibly top-1), and I was very interested in the movie. And holy shit, not only did it not disappoint, but it was probably the best video WWE has ever released. Okay, granted, I’m biased. But still, I was a huge fan of WWE from before Montreal (I was hooked from WrestleMania 9), and the whole drama surrounding the two was enthralling.
  

The movie throws kayfabe completely out the window, which is its greatest benefit. We all know WWE has been less secretive in the last decade, with a definite line usually being drawn between on-screen and off-screen, especially in these documentaries. But to hear Bret and Shawn actually talk about everything (including how well they set up matches between themselves prior to the shows) was really interesting. It’s a hell of a trip, covering both guys’ starts in professional wrestling, through their career rises, and through Montreal.

If I have to be picky, they didn’t talk about much stuff post-Montreal until they reunited again on RAW a couple years ago. I suppose it makes sense given the context; if the documentary is about their rivalry, it stands to reason that they wouldn’t mention much about Bret’s time in WCW.

Anyway… both guys were emotional and seemingly honest, even if Shawn turned into a rambling moron a couple times. Bret was always more articulate, and it showed with them sitting next to each other. Regardless, Jim Ross was there to “moderate” it, and he asked good questions that pushed both guys to speak their minds.

The best part to me was that I was able to get some understanding of the timeline; thanks to the blurring of reality and fantasy, I never quite knew exactly how or when the guys were able to let Montreal go. I was pretty surprised that Bret at least started the process of letting go of the hatred and betrayal he felt all the way back in 2002, after Vince McMahon called him after he suffered his stroke. I didn’t realize Bret had started mending fences way back then, and I’m surprised in hindsight that it took another eight years before he showed up on WWE television.

Of course, knowing and seeing their reunion happen in Dayton was yet another punch to my stomach. I still haven’t exactly forgiven myself for missing that one, especially given how it turned out. Their hug that officially buried the hatchet was one hell of a moment that probably didn’t leave a dry eye in the arena for anyone over the age of 20, and I kicked myself repeatedly after watching it for not attending it live.

But watching it on TV is better than not watching it at all, and watching the documentary was absolutely sweet. I’ve got a couple friends who need to see it, and I’m probably going to pick up a copy of the DVD anyway. I definitely recommend it to anyone wrestling fan who was alive when “Attitude Era” and “The Big Three” were current terms.

And by coincidence, tonight’s RAW also comes to us live from Dayton, so it’s going on in the middle of this thunderstorm not 30 miles from me. And unlike the previous two times WWE has been to Dayton (actually Beavercreek) for SmackDown, I once again don’t have tickets because I’m a goddamned idiot. It’s selfish of me, but here’s hoping nothing really cool happens so I don’t have to have a second regret about missing the live show.

Oh, and as always for post-PPV shows, no complaining of spoilers here: read Rick’s recap of Extreme Rules first if you don’t know what happened. Let’s roll…

Opening: Wow, they’re showing Cena’s bloodied head and aren’t black-and-whiting it? Well, there is a sepia tone, but whatever.

We see (accompanied with violin music) Cena’s speech from last night. I’m calling partial bullshit on it, though… you may or may not remember a couple years ago when Cena wrestled Wade Barrett in a house show, and Barrett did his Wasteland slightly wrong, tweaking Cena’s hip. It turned out to be a minor hip pointer, but at the time, Cena thought it was way more serious. Someone recorded the post-match on their cell phone, and Cena basically cut the exact same promo then as he did last night. I know, I know, I shouldn’t be that picky… but it’s something that raised a red flag to me. The video is still on YouTube as of this writing, and you can view it by clicking here. Seriously, it’s like he’s working off the same script. I don’t doubt the first one (that is, the video) was legit, but the speech from last night seems to have a lot of, uh, “borrowed elements” from himself for being a supposedly heartfelt moment.

Anyway, Cena practically applies that he’s going to be going away for a long time, or forever, even though he had the win. Guess we’ll see how it plays out tonight…

Oh look, the show is called “Monday Night RAW starring Brock Lesnar!” That’s even how Justin Roberts introduces it! I knew they would do something like that.

Segment 1: Here comes Johnny Ace to the ring to open the show. Ace blathers for entirely too long and puts over Brock Lesnar, paying special attention to how much Lesnar beat the shit out of Cena. Yeah, that’s a good boss. Ace glosses over Lesnar’s loss, and just pushes Lesnar as being some sort of awesome force that has made RAW a billion times better than it ever was.

Lesnar himself pops out presently, walking with grace and strength like nothing happened last night. He’s got about a half-second of putting himself over, but it seems it’s TIME TO PLAY THE GAME.

Triple H enters to a massive pop, and he gets in the ring looking… uh… relaxed. Trips being relaxed is scarier than Trips being crazy, in my opinion, since you don’t know what the hell he’s going to do. Trips shakes Brock’s hand, then proceeds to say that all this (as Rick likes to say) happy crappy of Brock’s is null and void. The show is simply called “Monday Night RAW,” and Brock only gets to ride around on Vince’s jet if he pays for it. So Brock doesn’t get to hold up the show anymore: Brock is hereby held to the original contract, especially given that Ace had no authority to sign it, and Trips never approved it.

Ace argues that Trips left him in charge of dealing with all talent contracts, and doesn’t see why they should go back on “their word.” Trips responds by ripping up the contract into confetti, then gives Brock a backhanded compliment. See, Trips knows that Brock isn’t a “country bumpkin” anymore and has made the name Brock Lesnar into a brand… and so Trips knows that Brock knows that intimidating his way to a better contract isn’t going to be binding.

Trips concedes that he does want Lesnar in WWE. Even the WWE Universe wants him here! (To massive boos.) Trips adjusts his statement that they may not like him, but they want to see him, specifically in matches against Cena, against Randy Orton, against CM Punk, against Sheamus, and so on. But for that to happen, Brock has to know he must honor the original contract. But if Brock doesn’t want to, well, that’s okay, because WWE doesn’t exactly need him. Hell, if Brock wants to just leave “with his loss to John Cena,” that’s fine.

Ace again tries to defend Brock, but Trips shushes him and moves between them. Ace is on Trips’s back, which makes me nervous. Ace tries a couple times to talk Trips down, and Trips just merely tells him “I’m only going to say this once: Shut up!”

But Ace doesn’t, and keeps pressing Trips to reconsider. Trips finally turns around to address him, which is obviously stupid, and Brock quickly jumps him. Trips tries to fight him off, but Brock quickly pulls guard and locks in a kimura. (Yay, I know actual MMA terms and don’t even have to look them up!) They sell it perfectly to create the illusion that Brock snaps his arm, and Brock becomes an uber-dick by keeping the kimura locked in anyway.

That’s when a few random wrestlers (Sheamus, R-Truth, Kofi Kingston, and Big Show) hit the ring to make the save. Brock’s not dumb enough to take on those odds, so he bails. EMTs hit the ring to stabilize the arm, and Brock just leaves by going around the stage.

Brock got massive boos for this, so mission accomplished there. With Triple H’s arm “broken,” he won’t be able to respond for over a month (or however long the plot desires), giving us several options to go from here. Meanwhile, the four wrestlers assist Trips to the back to encouraging cheers from the crowd. Big Show hilariously asks “What were you thinking?”

Cut Scene: After commercials, we get a replay, and we see Trips in the trainer’s room getting his arm checked over.

Pre-Segment 2: Eve pops out to the stage wearing librarian glasses to announce that we’re going to have a Beat the Clock Challenge to figure out who the #1 contender is for the WWE Championship. I’ll leave it to Rick’s editor’s note to objectify the aforementioned glasses, since aside from Ivory during the Right To Censor era, I have no particular interest in glasses or lack thereof. [Ed. Note: I'm the Rick, and I hereby approved of Eve's glasses (because I think they made a hot chick hotter). Also, I approved of that skirt (because it seemed to make a sweet ass sweeter.]

Segment 2 [Singles Match, Beat the Clock Challenge]: The Miz defeats Santino Marella by pin in 4:18. My debut column for Online Onslaught notwithstanding, I’m not the type of wanker who watches professional wrestling with a stopwatch. That said, I always like the timer in the corner, more for curiosity than judgment.

Solid match, nothing special but very well-worked. Time-compressed finished that saw Santino go for the Cobra, but Miz dodging it by attempting a Skull Crushing Finale. Competing roll-ups led to near-falls, then Miz found himself getting whipped to the corner. When Santino charged, Miz big booted him, then quickly followed up with a Skull Crushing Finale that hit true.

Nice revenge for Miz’s loss to Santino last night on WWE’s free match on YouTube, but no one bothered to mention it tonight. Strange.

Segment 3 [Triples Threat Match for the Divas Title]: Layla squashes Nikki Bella by pin and outlasts Brie Bella, and retains. So, uh, yeah… this happened. The Bellas started off by arguing with each other, so Layla dropkicked Nikki (yes, I could tell them apart for reasons I’m not proud of) in the back of the head. Nikki’s momentum sent her into Brie, who flew out of the ring. Layla then quickly rolled up Nikki and took the win. I guess Daniel Bryan feels a little better about his 18 seconds now, huh?

Thanks for playing, Bellas. I’ll miss you (especially Brie), and I hope you’ll come back eventually!

Segment 4 [Singles Match, Beat the Clock Challenge]: Big Show and Chris Jericho draw by time limit. I don’t know whether it’s specifically the Nutter Center, but the fans had to kick on to draw out the smoke created from Show’s pyros. And holy shit are those fans loud; they were picked up by every mic on the show, and I remember both times I went, the sound was annoying as hell, like hearing two flies mating directly next to your eardrum. [Ed. Note: this is a long-standing issue. On June 6, 2004, I reported on my first RAW tapings of the "indoor fireworks" era, and I said: "Ventilation was not the greatest, and it meant that pyro smoke sometimes collected in the arena (it was even bad, at times, out on the concourse), and I don't think WWE wanted to leave the fans on for long, because they were very loud and obnoxious and probably would have ruined the sound mix.  Which led me to wonder if it was more important that RAW LOOK good or SOUND good...  but maybe it didn't look that bad to you folks..." Things were no better last night.]

Solid time-compressed match with Jericho proving his psychology chops, as he sold his injuries from last night’s street fight match against CM Punk. During Jericho’s rally for example, he hit his Lionsault, but he was too sore to properly stop his momentum, so he basically rolled off Show and sold the shoulder. By the time he got back to make the cover, Show recovered enough to kick out.

Show too showed unusual moves, going for small packages and other quick covers that he normally wouldn’t do. Why he didn’t start flinging his right fist all over the place is beyond me though, as that would put a quick end to the match.

The fight spilled outside, and Jericho was shoved against the barricade. Show tried to follow up with a running boot, but Jericho dodged, and Show spilled over into the time keeper’s area.

Jericho crawled into the ring, but we only had a few seconds left. Awesome Ref Justin King was counting them out, and he reached ten just after the buzzer sounded. Then we got some confusion: he insisted that he counted to ten with one second remaining on the clock, even though his back was to the screen with the timer. You could hear him on the camera mics arguing that he so totally counted Big Show out, so the bell needs to be rung to declare Jericho the winner. Jericho raised his own arm in victory, and even King then raised his arm in victory, but we went to commercial without an official decision.

Once back, we see that Miz’s time of 4:18 is still the time to beat, and I immediately launch into “over-thinking mode”: was Jericho supposed to win it like that and King screwed up the counting pace, thus messing up the proper finish to the match? Or did the whole thing go according to plan, and King intentionally looks like a moron? If that is indeed the case, Jericho can bitch and moan for the next few weeks to continue digging himself deeper into the heel hole, which isn’t a complaint. It just seems weird to me that King would argue that vehemently that Jericho made it if, indeed, the draw was the proper finish. I’d bet that King screwed up, but the last time I made a bet on the recaps, I lost, so I’mma just shrug and sit this one out.

Doesn’t matter either way: Miz has the time to beat, Jericho gets to be a jerk, and Awesome Ref is still Awesome.

Segment 5 [Singles Match]: Brodus Clay (w/ Hornswoggle, Naomi, & Irrelevant) defeats JTG by pin. An extended squash, no recap necessary, except for the fact that Brodus’s headbutt is now officially the “Rhino Headbutt.” The girls didn’t have the Siderump Viewer technology they apparently did last night, but Naomi made it up for it by doing a My Melina split. I’d call that a net positive.

After the match and replays, Brodus grabbed a few kids and threw them into the ring to dance with him. The girl they grabbed was really into it and showed off that she’s got the chops to be a new Funkadactyl in ten years, but the boys looked like they would rather be just about anywhere else at that moment.

Segment 6: After replays of Segment 1, we see that Johnny Ace is angrily pacing back and forth in the back with Eve. Eve sits him down, and he proceeds to stare directly at her breasts. She informs him that her eyes are located a little higher, then proceeds to give him a pep talk. Okay, sure, Brock basically “fired himself” earlier. And sure, maybe it’s Ace’s ass on the line for it. So he needs to stop pacing a hole in the floor and focus on making the Board of Directors like him again. Best way to do that? Is to name an opponent for John Cena.

Ace stands and looks heroically off-camera as he says he knows who Cena’s next opponent is… and that Cena isn’t going to like it very much.

Segment 7 [Singles Match, Beat the Clock challenge]: Randy Orton defeats Jack Swagger (w/ Vickie Guerrero) by pin in 4:16. Solid match, made better by an absolutely electric crowd. They were almost entirely pro-Orton, and even chanted something at maximum volume that I absolutely couldn’t hear.

The last 45 seconds were very exciting, with Orton hitting his Hangman’s DDT and humping the ring, which brought every single ass out of the seats. But Jack recovered quickly and slapped on the ankle lock. Orton was able to roll through, which sent Swagger face-first into the turnbuckle. Orton quickly got up and hit the RKO, then made the pin with only two seconds left.

We get a cut to the back, where Miz looked like he was about to punch the monitor. Keep at it, buddy; you’ll make it again. [Ed. Note: probably not till the fall, though. He's off to make "The Marine 3" soon, replacing Randy Orton. Because the real Marines disapproved of a dishonorably discharged AWOL-going jackass getting to be presented as a Marine Hero in a movie. So now, they're gonna be represented by the cocknozzle from "The Real World." UPGRADE~!]

Pre-Segment 8: RRRRRROOOSSSAAA!!! Man, I wish I went tonight and had seats in “the pit” for her entrance.

We’re also told to go immediately to WWE.com and/or Facebook at this instant because the Bella Twins have been so totally fired, and we need to read the story. Jerry Lawler barely seems fazed.

Segment 8 [Tag Match for the WWE Tag Team Titles]: Kofi Kingston & R-Truth defeat Epico & Primo (w/ My Rosa Mendes) by pin, and are the new WWE Tag Team Champions! Solid match all around. Kofi and Truth work well together, but we didn’t get to see much of their combined offense tonight, as Truth became the face in peril pretty early.

Primo and Epico worked great together as always, and it really showed here: every move was crisp and well done. Truth eventually made the hot tag, and Kofi got his first extended offense of the night, going on a one-man house of fire. He delivered his Boom Drop and signaled for Trouble in Paradise.

My Rosa wasn’t having that, so she commanded Primo to run over and interfere. Kofi saw him coming and just double axe handled him off the east apron. It seems you never send a man to do a woman’s job, so My Rosa jumped up on the apron instead. Kofi wasn’t about to clothesline her, but he did argue with her, possibly while staring at that fantastic black leather halter top.

Epico took the distraction to recover and he went for the Backstabber, but Kofi was able to smack his hands away and shove Epico toward the west ropes. As referee Mike Chioda dealt with My Rosa, Truth grabbed Epico and guillotined him on the top rope from outside. As Epico bounced back from that, Kofi hit the Trouble in Paradise clean, and Chioda made the three-count. New champs! I love it when titles change hands on free TV!

Segment 9: After commercials, we see the now-former champs and My Rosa walking in the back, bitching at each other for whose fault it was. Abraham Washington arrives and doesn’t say anything at first. Rosa is the first to say “Let’s talk.” Smart girl, which is so totally the main reason I’m crushing on her.

AW starts in that if he was representing them, this wouldn’t have happened. Before he can elaborate, we cut back to the ring for the next match.

Segment 10 [Singles Match, Beat the Clock challenge]: Kane and Khali draw by time limit. Well, I’ll give it to the commentators: they tried their damnedest to make this an interesting match. No deal though… the guys were too slow, and neither one seemed to have any urgency at all. The commentators tried to excuse it as that they simply were too big and not used to the match stipulation, but come on.

The match ended with both guys trying to chokeslam each other, but neither one getting it off before the bell. They ignored the bell as well, until eventually Kane got the upper hand and delivered a chokeslam. He left without further incident.

A quick cut to the back showed that Orton is extremely excited about his 4:16 time. We’ll see if he can be beaten.

Segment 11 [Singles Match, Beat the Clock challenge]: Daniel Bryan defeats Jerry Lawler by submission in 2:21. Huh, okay. When we came back from commercial, Michael Cole did all the talking and didn’t mention Lawler’s absence at first, so Lawler got to do a full entrance to everyone’s surprise. Well, everyone at home, anyway.

For as much as I dislike the character, Cole did an excellent job with a one-man booth, and was even pro-Lawler for some of it. I know from experience that it can be tough to commentate something without your usual partner to do the give-and-take.

Not that the outcome was much of a surprise. Lawler had one hope sequence but his piledriver was countered, and DB quickly locked in the Yes! Lock. This means DB, a SmackDown wrestler, is taking on CM Punk for RAW’s top title. Clearly, the brand split is basically dead.

After the match, Punk popped out and gave a golf clap from the stage while posing with the title.

Pre-Segment 12: We’re told that Triple H’s arm is, indeed, broken. Cole—who is still by himself at commentary—doesn’t know what Lesnar’s future holds.

Segment 12: Here comes Cena, and the Dayton audience is way more on his side than most. He’s got his left arm in a sling, apparently having “multiple muscle strains.”

Cena hits the ring presently and takes the mic, says that he figured his arm was broken last night, and thought he was going to have to be in a cast in a hospital somewhere. But instead, he’s here, LIVE~! in Dayton. No breaks, no muscle tears, and he is here.

Also here is Johnny Ace, who hits the ring as well. Bickering ensues, with Ace insisting that he named Brock the “face of the company” in an effort to motivate Cena, and Cena should be thanking him. Cena: “Well thank you… for being a short-sighted corporate jackass who sounds like he’s smoked five lifetimes’ worth of cigarettes, and he’s got his head shoved so far up his own ass that he’s got to brush his teeth with toilet paper. Thank you!” Nice!

Ace blathers a bit more, then announces Cena’s next opponent: Lord Tensai. He hits ring side with Sakamoto, and they enter the ring together from different angles. Cena turns to face them and readies for a fight, and it’s Ace himself who bonks Cena on the back of the head with the mic, sending him down. Unanimous boos ensue.

Ace then kneels down, and pulls a switch: Cena’s opponent at Over the Limit is Ace himself! Ace allows Cena to get up, then Sakamoto deliver a roundhouse kick to Cena’s injured arm. Ace then flings Cena arm-first into the turnbuckle, and Tensai attacks with a hip splash to Cena’s arm. Then Ace just starts shit-kicking Cena’s arm, because at this point, why not?

Tensai and Sakamoto then drag Cena to the corner, so his arm is near the ring post. It looks like they’re just going to fling Cena’s arm into the post, but instead they just hold him. Cena then goes and grabs a chair, and he slams Cena’s arm (which is being held on the steps) with the chair. Holy shit.

Ace then gets back in the ring to give Cena’s “You can’t see me” taunt, then walks off while looking at Cena’s writhing corpse.

Final Thoughts: Huh, that was unexpected. Ace has clearly lost his damn mind. I feel like I should hate this, but for some reason, I’m kind of interested. Am I in the minority? [Ed. Note: No. The crowd was red hot for it, and will be so again in 3 weeks at the PPV. I was calling for Johnny to get his comeuppance -- albeit from Punk -- 3 months ago, and I was pretty sure it would have held up as a PPV match. Now, I know I was right.]

The whole night was pretty solid; the Kane/Khali match was useless, and DB/Lawler seems like a bit of a letdown, but even they served their purposes. I think I covered the segments enough in the recap body, so I’m going to call it a night.

Oh, I did get curious and checked out WWE.com to see how they handled the Bellas’ “firing.” After the match, they were walking through the Nutter Center halls, and Eve intercepted them. The Bellas insulted Eve and her new glasses, and insisted they’d have her job one day. So naturally, she fired them… you know, because the economy is bad. Heh.

I wish the Bellas had gotten a better deal there, but I can understand them not wanting to stick around. I wasn’t a real fan of theirs until Nikki got super-aggressive, and I felt WWE never really let her off the leash enough to make her as interesting as she wanted to be. Hopefully she and Brie will get another chance down the road.

I’m done for tonight, so I’ll see you this weekend for the SmackDown recap.

Episode Grade: B