I’m not sure about other baseball fans out there, but I’m loving this shift of baseball outcomes. Ever since drug testing became a thing and Bud Selig humiliated himself in front of Congress, there has been an unsubtle shift to defensiveness in the majors. Chicks may dig the long ball, but purists love pitching, and I’ve never been happier.
 

Mike Wilbon on Pardon the Interruption said that perfect games are becoming “less special” in light of Felix Hernandez’s performance on Wednesday. The thing is, I don’t think “more frequent” necessarily equates to “less special.” If everyone is throw perfect games every other week, you could make the argument that perfect games are “less special.” But let’s realize something: the modern MLB season is comprised of 2430 games per year, before we even get to the playoffs. And in all that, we still have only seen 23 times in over 100 years.

If anything, I feel this influx of pitching awesomeness makes the new modern era special. We spent the 90s seeing high scores, power hitting, and everything was offense offense offense. It may not be as edge-of-your-seat exciting to watch a perfect game in action until the last few innings, but there is a different tension about it that makes the game more thrilling for those of us who show up to watch for something more than discounted beer and shirtless fat guys with letters painted on their chests. Here’s hoping the current trend continues. [Ed. Note: while pitchers are doing things that were unthinkable 30, 50, or 80 years ago, the surge in no-hitters/perfect-games has a lot more to do with what BATTERS are doing, now. Up until the late 80s, every team had 2, maybe 3, true power hitters, and the rest of the line-up was guys who could slap-hit for average or take a walk. Today, good teams will only put up with 1 or 2 slap hitters, and even then, they will only be tolerated if they play good defense at a premium position. Everybody else in the line-up? Has enough power to swing for the fences... or at least, the gaps. The result: line-ups where 7 guys are swinging for power, and prone to 0-fors, and only 2 guys who'll be up there to put the bat on the ball and get on base. That's an inversion from the way line-ups were constructed for the first 85 years of MLB baseball, and it's why pitchers are more easily able to shut down an entire team. There's only 2 guys who'll take what you give them and go the other way or do whatever it takes to beat you; pure stuff can stifle the other 7 power swingers, who are taking the same swing no matter what you throw them. That's my theory, anyway.] 

What does any of this have to do with wrestling? Not a damn thing! But I had to get past the ad box somehow, and you guys have read much dumber things from me in the past! But enough baseball… let’s get to SummerSlam! Or, more properly, let’s get to a “Less Than You Need To Know” edition of SmackDown first.

Just as a reminder, Rick went for a secret mission in Canada that had something to do with sampling maple syrup, so he was unavailable for Friday and gave me the night off of a proper SmackDown recap. [Ed. Note: Yes, I did have some maple syrup. But what I really liked was this thing called "poutine." I'm going to try to have it one more time before I get on a plane for home, tomorrow.] But I hate leaving jobs half-done, so instead, I’m giving you bulleted list of what happened on SmackDown, and far less than you need to know. In all likelihood, if you cared, you already watched it, and if you didn’t, this’ll just give you a quick Cliff’s Notes version of any last-second events before the pay-per-view. After that, we’ll get to my standard All You Need To Know style for SummerSlam!

SmackDown

Alberto Del Rio hits the ring, blathers to get his title shot back, gets interrupted by a Spanish-speaking Chris Jericho, Booker T makes the obvious singles match for the main event.

Rey Mysterio & Sin Cara defeat Cody Rhodes & The Miz by pin, decent but nothing special.

Curt Hawkins & Tyler Reks hit the ring to do a PG-rated strip tease before their match, massive boos. (Good call, Rick.)

Hawkins & Reks extend-squash Some Guy & Some Other Guy by pin, subpar.

Eve defeats Kaitlyn by pin, solid match. Eve is now the new assistant to Booker T and will be working with Teddy Long.

Randy Orton defeats Daniel Bryan by pin, long and boring. Ended with an RKO out of nowhere after DB’s No Lock was broken by Kane’s pyros going off (but no Kane appearance until after the match).

Antonio Cesaro defeats Zack Ryder by pin, meh.

Dolph Ziggler assaults Jericho in the back before Y2J’s match, even slamming a huge metal scaffolding thing into him while he’s stunned against the cinderblock wall.

ADR defeats Jericho by pin thanks to unseen interference from Dolph, meh.

ADR puts Y2J in an armbar after the match to be a jerk. Sheamus makes the save, Dolph bails, ADR manages to break away and runs through the crowd. Booker T comes out, Sheamus asks him for the title match to be reinstated, Booker T agrees.

Episode Grade: C

SummerSlam

Pre-Show [Singles Match for the United States Title]: Antonio Cesaro defeats Santino Marella somehow, and is the NEW United States Champion. By the time I got home here, it’s 8pm exactly, and I missed the YouTube-exclusive pre-show. Ergo, I have no damn clue how this match went down, but do you really care? I’m not a Cesaro fan by any stretch of the imagination, but at least putting the belt on him makes the US Title relevant again.

Segment 1 [Singles Match]: Chris Jericho defeats Dolph Ziggler (w/ Vickie Guerrero) by submission. Decent match, nothing special. Good for an opener, and the two worked well together, but this wasn’t exactly an overly thrilling match.

Dolph played chickenshit heel to start, but Y2J wasn’t falling for any of that happy-crappy and had the early offense. Dolph managed to turn things around after CJ whiffed a few times on high-risk moves. Extended heel beatdown sequence from there, mostly targeting those INJURED~! ribs that Dolph assaulted on SmackDown.

The end-game was signaled when CJ had a comeback and started his Five Moves of Doom. When CJ went for the Lionsault, Dolph got his knees up and blocked it (right in those INJURED~! ribs), then immediately followed up with the Zig Zag. CJ managed to kick out anyway, and after some back-and-forth, CJ landed a Codebreaker.

Ziggy rolled out of the ring as an act of desperation, so CJ chased him and tossed him back in the ring. Vickie grabbed CJ’s ankle behind the ref’s back, giving Dolph just enough time to try a roll-up. Still, he only managed a two, and CJ quickly managed to wrap Dolph up in the Walls of Jericho right in the middle of the ring. Ziggler had nowhere to go, and Vickie was too far away to help, so Dolph had to tap.

Commercials: Because even though I just shelled out $45 to WWE, they want me to buy some Starburst.

Segment 2: Recap of the Triple H/Brock Lesnar feud. Shawn Michaels is apparently tweeting since he can’t be there in person. My question: how do you type quickly with one arm?

We segue from there to Paul Heyman and Brock Lesnar, who are being interviewed by Josh Mathews. Heyman blathers, basically saying that this fight will totally be “to the finish,” and Brock will “break Trips’s spirit.” Brock bogarts the mic long enough to mutter, “Triple H, this is a fight you can’t win.” As scary as a Sailor Moon action figure.

Heyman finishes that he has two words for Trips, and they’re not “Suck it,” but “Tap… out.” We close with an extreme close-up of Brock, which makes me uninterested in eating for another few mintues.

Segment 3 [Singles Match]: Daniel Bryan defeats Kane by pin. Back-and-forth basically the whole time, but not really that entertaining. They clicked okay, I guess, but I yawned more than once. The win came out of nowhere, and DB bailed, so Kane threw a tantrum and immediately chased after him.

Post-Segment 3: After a quick cut to the commentators, we smash-cut back to the back, where Kane is chucking trash cans around. Mathews wants to ask Kane a question, and Kane reasonably responds by flinging him over the catering table. That’s certainly what I want to do whenever I see Mathews.

Pre-Segment 4: Rey Mysterio hits the ring for his upcoming match. He went full-on Batman for this one, even with the cape.

Segment 4 [Singles Match for the Intercontinental Title]: The Miz defeats Rey Mysterio, and retains. Meh. Technically solid, but I’ve been on record as saying that Rey bores me, and this match was no different. Clean pin to win, but you couldn’t pay me to care.

Segment 5: We cut to the back to see Eve and Teddy Long pop out of AJ Lee’s office. No AJ herself, but T-Long and Eve agree that AJ is totally awesome as a general manager. Eve is disingenuous, but she basically agrees. They walk off, the camera pans, and we see CM Punk there. He has to psych himself up, then enters the office.

AJ is all smiles too, and Punk is a little creeped out by it, but lets it pass. He says that he assumes the only reason she booked this triple threat match is because he rejected her proposal, right?

She tilts her head a few times, then stares off into space and… uh… powers down? Punk isn’t happy about the silent treatment, so he bluntly tells her that he’ll retain the title either way, and prove again he’s the best in the world. And then everyone will respect him, damnit!

AJ continues to be totally non-responsive… even as and after Punk leaves the office. Heh.

Segment 6: Recap of the Sheamus/Alberto Del Rio feud. Closure coming is next…

Segment 7 [Singles Match for the World Heavyweight Title]: Sheamus defeats Alberto Del Rio (w/ Ricardo Rodriguez) by pin, and retains. Subpar match with a confusing finish. Punchy-kicky-slammy, fairly unentertaining. Because Sheamus is still beaten up from the last couple weeks, ADR had most of the offense for the match. It started to turn when ADR stole Sheamus’s taunt and acted like he wanted to do a Blarney Boot of his own. But Sheamus answered with a jumping axe handle. Still, ADR got up from that, slapped on the Cross Arm Breaker, and called it a day.

Except Sheamus wasn’t ready to end it, so he countered out by getting to his feet, and he dead-lifted ADR all the way up to his shoulders with one damn arm. Sheamus slammed him, but couldn’t close the deal.

Back-and-forth, ADR got advantage but failed a pin. Ricardo Rodriguez got in the ring to protest, and ADR beat up RR. Why? Because it distracted the ref and allowed RR to toss ADR his shoe. Except he overthrew it, and Sheamus smacked ADR in the face with the shoe behind the ref’s back. Then Sheamus made the pin, and the ref got into an odd position and started counting. ADR got his foot on the rope, but the ref didn’t see it. The three-count goes through, Sheamus retains, and ADR flips out in the ring.

ADR watches the replays and continues to flip out, and even screams “He’s not a champion! He’s not a champion!” The ref’s decision is final though, so clearly the feud is hardly closed. Guess we’ll hear more on SmackDown.

Segment 8: We get a pre-taped segment where Triple H is talking to Scott Armstrong, the ref for the main event. Trips orders the ref to “let them fight,” so I guess it’s a de facto no-DQ/no-countout match. Trips implies that the only way it’s going to end is if he or Brock is incapacitated. So… like a Last Man Standing, then, without the count?

Pre-Segment 9: Tout by Prime Time Players, because misplaced priorities.

Segment 9 [Tag Match for the Tag Team Titles]: R-Truth & Kofi Kingston defeat the Prime Time Players by pin, and retain. Meh, this felt like a long—or maybe even standard—SmackDown match.

The faces do solid for the first half, and looked like it was going to be a squash. But since this is a pay-per-view, the PTP stop the momentum and interrupt Kofi’s Five Moves of Doom, making him fall into the Face in Peril role. Not more than a few minutes later, Truth got the hot tag. One Pier Four Brawl later, Kofi and Titus were outside the ring. Darren tried a quick roll-up, but Truth kicked out and hit him with the Little Jimmy out of nowhere (which so totally doesn’t sound sexual in any way), then made the pin.

Technically solid, but nothing super important.

Segment 10: WWE visited some sick kids in the hospital while they were here in Los Angeles, and helped with the whole Be A Star campaign.

Wait, why did I recap that? Don’t I normally just skip over that? Damn you, PPV, and your lack of commercials to confuse me!

Pre-Segment 11: Time for the triple threat WWE Title match! John Cena’s pre-entrance words were “Oh, I’m feeling it tonight!” We’ll see… given how much focus they’ve had on Cena and Punk, I have this feeling that Big Show is going to walk away with the title.

Segment 11 [Triple Threat Match for the WWE Championship]: CM Punk defeats Big Show by pin and outlasts John Cena, and retains. Big Show dominates early, beating the hell out of Cena and Punk after they tried attacking in Dumb Ninja Fashion. However, even once they got their acts together and started double-teaming Show, they couldn’t do much, and Show did a double-suplex to put both down.

Show continued his domination, but it wasn’t long before a chop block by Punk turned momentum. Several roundhouse kicks later, Punk signaled the GTS, but couldn’t hold Show up there. Cena then arrived to try an FU, but Punk shoved him forward and they collapsed in a heap as they have for the past couple weeks. Punk tried to pin Cena, but Show broke it up, and then Show went back to dominating the match. His exclamation point was a Spear on Cena, but Cena kicked out of the follow-up pin.

More Show domination, and he tried to do a corner splash to both Punk and Cena simultaneously. Punk dodged, Cena didn’t, and Show tried a pin. Punk broke it, but again Show just started kicking ass. Show did a neat move outside the ring, basically, doing a lateral chokeslam by flinging Punk into the ropes, making him bounce to the ringside mats with a flop that might make Ric Flair proud.

Moments later, Show got in the ring and intended to finish Cena, but Punk distracted him on the apron. Punk guillotined him, and Show stumbled back into Cena, who hit a belly-to-back suplex. Cena then went for the Five Knuckle Shuffle, but Punk broke it up and went for a pin after a long-distance Macho Man Elbow Drop. Show kicked out of the pin, but it signaled Punk’s push.

Show eventually fought him off after Punk tried an ill-advised Anaconda Vise, and Cena slapped on an STF for about two seconds, but Show fought out of it. Show put Cena down, and then Punk was back on offense, doing several of his signature corner jumping knees.

Show shoved him off, then Cena put down with his signature top rope mule kick. With Show down on his face, Punk slapped on a modified Anaconda Vise, and Cena slapped on the STF. Big Show tapped… but to who? The ref rings the bell, but even he doesn’t know who won, while Cena and Punk both celebrate, then argue with each other.

AJ hits the ring with a mic, considers things for a while, and absorbs Punk’s screaming (including “What are you going to do, tweet about it?”). Finally, AJ simply says “Restart the match!,” flashes a smile, then leaves. Huh.

Rapid back-and-forth from there, ending with Cena hitting Show with the FU. Punk then went old-school and just straight chucked Cena out of the ring, then made the pin on Show. Three-count, retain. Clever finish to the first entertaining match of the night.

After the match, Cena just looked on as Punk celebrated. Cena’s expression shows that he (Cena) clearly knows that Punk stole one, but can’t really argue, so Cena finally just breaks the look and heads to the back.

Cut Scene: WWE shows a bunch of celebrities in the front row, including Fred Durst, who flips off the camera and says something that has to be bleeped. Stay classy, you fucking asshole.

Segment 12: Highlights of the Santino/Cesaro match. Apparently Aksana distracted the Cobra, which led to the loss. Ugh… glad I missed it.

Segment 13: WWE thinks a great use of our time is to have Kevin Rudolph sing a really shitty song. Amazingly, it gets worse: they show a shit-ton of Touts on the Titantron (without sound; just a bunch of random fans doing retarded “dances” or duck faces). Also, Lilian Garcia and Justin Roberts “danced” to it too. Lilian had some semblance of rhythm, while Justin was doing the Macarena… incorrectly, and out of tempo.

Then all the divas hit the stage, because this is all they’re good for according to WWE, to wiggle their hips along with the two fans in the audience who were doing so also. This included RRRRRROOOSSSAAA!!!, who has apparently healed from her real-life trauma, only to be inserted into an on-stage one. The only funny part here is the camera smash-cut to the commentators, with Cole getting way into the song, to the point where his dance looked like he was humping Jerry Lawler’s shoulder, with Jerry hitting a perfect “Why the fuck is this happening?” look on his face.

The song ends, a bunch of stage pyros go off to deafen the divas, and likely we had a drop in water pressure as everyone finished flushing their toilets. As for me, I just opened my cheese platter for my guests, while silently condemning Rick’s trip to Canada. You owe me one after this, Oh Lord Webmaster Supreme. (Or did you have the psychic abilities to know Kevin Rudolph was going to waste my time, and you timed it so you got off easy? Crafty, my friend… very crafty.)

Segment 14: Recap of the Trips/Lesnar feud. Again. This time up to and including the Shawn Michaels angle from last Monday.

Pre-Segment 15: By the time the ridiculously stupid song, ridiculously unnecessary cut scenes, and ridiculously long entrances finished, it’s 10:22pm. Add in boxing-style entrances (with spotlights, no less), it’s 10:24 and I’m about to fall asleep.

Segment 15 [Singles Match, a Street Fight I guess even though it’s officially a standard match]: Brock Lesnar (w/ Paul Heyman) defeats Triple H by submission. Brock is dressed in his full UFC outfit, though he sheds the gloves for no apparent reason after their first real exchange (that ended with Trips clotheslining Brock over the top rope). From there, Brock goes all-out MMA as he attacks Trips, while Trips counters with standard WWE moves.

On the balance, Brock maintains the advantage. He keeps targeting that SURGICALLY RECONSTRUCTED~! arm. Brock keeps trying for a kumara, but Trips always resists just enough, so Brock settles on a slam or a strike that targets the arm. No serious pin attempts.

The fight eventually spills outside, and then it’s all Brock. Brock flings him into the Spanish announce table, sending the Spanish commentators leaping into the front row of the crowd. Then, Brock does a neat spot: he pulls the Spanish table forward so it’s on its front, and he stands on the back edge (currently the highest part of the table). Awesome balance, then he jumped off with a double axe handle directly to Trips’s arm.

Brock’s offense continues there, does a pin or two that is fairly meaningless, but continues to fight. Once the fight goes back outside, Trips gets his first hope spot. As Brock stalks him, Trips flings him gut-first into the corner of the table. Brock sort of oversells this, but if you know Brock, you know that he’s had life-threatening issues with his gut and colon (which is part of the reason why he left UFC). In other words, it’s well done, except for the fact that neither Cole nor Lawler explained this at all.

Brock even “vomits” here (basically hocks a huge loogie), and stays doubled over. From there, it’s all Triple H as he does nothing but gut-targeted offense. Trips even hits a Pedigree, but he can’t hold the pin.

From there, Brock desperately hits a blatant low blow. Scott Armstrong wants to call a DQ but doesn’t, and from there Brock starts to fight back. He does a scissored kimura, but Trips gets out and hits a second Pedigree. As Trips goes for a pin there, Brock locks in another scissored kimura. This time, Trips can’t escape, and Trips taps. Huh… and it’s only 10:43?

Post-Segment 15: Brock releases the hold and the commentators sell that Brock totally broke his arm again. Brock leaves in relative peace as a single EMT hits the ring.

After Brock’s music ends, Trips sells his arm at least being dead, but the EMT leaves too. Trips just lies there for a while, and the EMT tries again, but Trips just shoves him, so he leaves again.

Trips manages to pull himself up, and then something… weird happens. There’s an out-of-nowhere “You tapped out!” chant, but no one’s mouths are moving… are they piping that shit in? And then as Trips continues to stand there, there are boos, but again everyone is applauding. Then the boos fade and it’s unanimous cheers and claps.

Then Trips leaves the ring, still with a dead left arm. He half-heartedly touches the hands or arms extended to him as he heads up the ramp, but he’s downtrodden the whole way. At the stage, he’s actually in tears, mouths “I’m sorry,” and just shakes his head. Cole speculates this is “the end of Triple H.”

He waves to the crowd, then keeps heading to the back… and that’s it?

Final Thoughts: So there was one exciting match, and one kinda-exciting match, a giant waste-of-time song, and we still ended at 10:48pm Eastern. Freaking. Lame.

I… really don’t have much to say about it. Frankly, the most relevant thing that happened did so in the pre-show. Otherwise, titles didn’t move, momentum didn’t shift, and there’s not exactly full closure on the Trips/Lesnar thing since (regardless of his post-match Broad Gesturing) we know he doesn’t want to go out like that. What, exactly, actually got accomplished here tonight? It felt like an episode of RAW, especially given the three-hour change. Fourth-biggest PPV of the year my ass.

PPV Grade: D+

A personal note from PyroFalkon: There isn’t a good transition to this, and I know it’s kind of awkward, but hear me out.

Usually around here I ask for donations to Online Onslaught so Rick can continue operating in the black, but right now I’ve got something more serious on my mind. I’ve never asked for anything before, but my best friend lost a woman earlier Sunday afternoon who was close to him (aunt by blood, mother by circumstance). I’ve tried to help him as best as I can, but my bank account is limited, and I can’t do any more.

I hardly would hold it against you if you don’t wish to help out; it’s not like I’m going to stop writing around here or anything. But if you were going to donate to OO anyway, with all respect to Rick, I’m humbly asking if you’d kick a dollar or two to my personal PayPal account. You can click the Donate button below, or just send the money to [email protected]. Every penny will go to my friend to help deflect funeral expenses and the like, and I’ll appreciate it beyond my words could possibly describe.

Either way, thanks for reading, and I’ll see you tomorrow for the RAW Recap.