On the upside: I am a Reds fan by choice, and a Yankees fan by herritage (they were my parents' team, so they were MY team until I had a chance to latch onto my local team as a child), and the Reds won this weekend's series 2 games to 1. That suits me fine: the Yanks really shouldn't need any extra help getting to the playoffs (enjoy it while you can, Orioles), but every game counts for the Redlegs. No number of well-deserved injuries to the Hated Cardinals of Suck Louis give me faith that the Reds are a shoe-in for the division title.
 
But none of this is why you're here. Neither are my thoughts on the NBA playoffs (which I haven't had in nearly a decade, because the NBA is shitty, and I only care if the Pacers are any good, which they finally are). So I'll just can it, and get to the PPV.
 
Here's what happened at the just-completed Over the Limit 2012 pay-per-view:

• Cold Open. First ever PPV cold open? PPV opens with a ring full of guys for an impromptu "People Power" battle royale, where the winner can choose to face either US Champ Santino Marella or IC Champ Cody Rhodes later in the night. Before we start, there is one last entrant... and it's Christian entering to huge cheers. Actually, Christian's entrance may have been the last thing on the pre-show, now that I think back to it. But it was specially singled out for attention right at the top of the show with the unique cold open.
  
  
• Christian wins the Battle Royale for his choice of a title shot later on. Santino and Rhodes are seated at ringside, scouting. The battle royale roster is disappointingly lacking. This could have been a hugely exciting showcase of the midcard and new guys, with upwards of 8-10 plausible winners, but instead, your Tensais, Brodusses, Rybacks, Sandows, and Cesaros are absent, and it's a ring full of mostly fodder. Only Christian and Miz are worth caring about.
  
  OK, Khali was dragged out for this, too. He was eliminated by TItus O'Neil in a supposedly important moment.
  
  Final four came down to Christian, Miz, Otunga, and Tyson Kidd. Guess who was eliminated first? So Miz and Otunga decide to team up on the fan favorite (BTW, the announcers story is that THIS is Christian's return from injury; so just pretend his 2 weeks of pre-WM appearances where he was almost on Team Johnny never happened; Christian has been hurt for 6 months, and his only appearance that whole time has been to induct Edge into the Hall of Fame).
  
  The whole "no honor among thieves" thing comes into play, as Miz and Otunga get off the same page, allowing Christian to eliminate Otunga. Then there was a pretty sweet back and forth with Miz and Christian, where both were out on the apron, teasing eliminations. Finish had the two on adjacent aprons, and Christian speared Miz through the turnbuckle to knock him to the floor.
  
  Decent enough 15 minute opener, thanks to the cool finish and win for the returning Captain Charisma... but it was still pretty much a Jobber Royale.
  
  
• After the Match: there was some gesturing (not Broad, but Vague), and it appears as though Christian has decided to face Santino later tonight. Despite the fact that he was booked as a face in the Royale and was definitely treated as one by the fans. Huh.
  
  
• Opening Theme/Pyro/Etc.... so NOW they run the standard pre-show video hype, and King/Cole/Booker welcome us to the PPV with fireworks and shots of the crowd and everything. Weird, but I'm fine with shaking things up.
  
  
• Kofi Kingston and R-Truth beat Dolph Ziggler and Jack Swagger to retain the tag titles. Vickie-assisted entrance for the challengers, on the off-chance anybody was thinking of cheering for Ziggler. ALso: Swagger starts for his team, against Kofi. Then against Truth. Then against Kofi again. Fluid tags and teamwork by the champs to start until Swagger uses his size to overpower Kofi and get a tag to Ziggler. Cue Face in Peril Segment; it's the heels' turn to make rapid tags and work well together.
  
  But no, it's NOT the true Face in Peril sequence! After all of 2 minutes, Kofi makes the Decoy Hot Tag to Truth, who comes in a house o' fire until the ref gets distracted by Vickie, and Truth ends up on the wrong end of a double team. NOW we have our Face in Peril.  As it goes on longer than 2 minutes, King is absolutely awful in his "commentary" (which consists entirely of belittling Vickie's alleged morbid obesity, which only becomes worse when you realize (a) Vickie's a pretty decent looking middle aged lady who's actually noticeably more decent looking now than a year ago, and King's pushing 70, so he should be WAY more forgiving than most of WWE's young male audience who view her as a "decent looking middle aged lady" seeing as how he'd have to rob a cradle just to nail her,  and (b) he's just repeating what Vince tells him in the headset, and Vince is obsessed with people thinking WWE is a classy, non-bullying organization that treats women well; what an hypocritical ass).
  
  Truth finally makes the hot tag to Kofi after hitting a tornado DDT on Swagger. Kofi is mega-high-energy as he finally isolates on Ziggler (the legal man)... leads up to a sweet run-up-the-turnbuckle moonsault, but Swagger broke up the pinfall. As Kofi got distracted by Swagger, Ziggler hit him with the Zig Zag, but Truth broke THAT up. Truth and Swagger powder out... Kofi and Ziggler go back and forth one last time, with Kofi hitting the Trouble in Paradise (springboarding off the ropes to do so) for the win. Fairly simple and formulaic, but executed very well. Solid 12 minute contest.
  
  
• Layla pins Beth Phoenix to retain the Women's Title. Beth enters first, and is back to wearing pants. Works for me; not only does she rock the tight trousers so very hotly, but it just looks more fitting now that the kinda affected "pinup strong" I'm-such-a-pretty-girly-girl thing has run its course.
  
  Not much crowd heat, but whatever there is manifests as a mild "Beth, Beth, Beth" chant. Then, a "We Want Kharma" one. D'oh. It's a shame, as the match gets off to a nice start, with Layla playing the "spark plug" while Beth "shakes off ring rust." That comes crashing to a halt when Beth catches her in the corner and hits a sort of combo powerbomb/kneebreaker thingie (which looked cool and hurt Layla's SURGICALLY REPAIRED~! knee).
  
  Much more knee-related offense, but the crowd's not really giving a shit, as there are more tepid "Beth, Beth, Beth" chants, but not much else. But you can't really blame them; you have to blame WWE's chronically shitty handling of the division. Layla starts a rally, and ends up trying to go up top, but Beth catches her, and gets he hoisted in position for a Glam Slam. Layla rolls through, and gets a 2. Beth reverses for a 2. Both girls up, another quick double reversey, and Layla nails her neckbreaker (the LayOut, I believe?) for the clean win.
  
  Huh. A good 7-8 minute match, even if the live audience was only into it for the last 90 seconds. But no Beth winning and no Kharma? That's.... perplexing.
  
  
• Sheamus wins a Fatal Fourway to retain the World Heavyweight Title. Alberto enters first, and the crowd greets him with "SI! SI! SI!" chants. Heh. Jericho second. Orton third. Then the champ, Sheamus. And then, Lilian did full boxing intros (even though del Rio already got his personal intro from Ricardo). Orton gets the expected crowd reaction... but del Rio and Jericho get a few rogue cheers, while Sheamus is only about a 70/30 favorite. Whoops.
  
  Bell rings, and it's Sheamus vs. Alberto and Orton vs. Jericho, with a few teases of the faces gaining control and wanting to face each other. But for the first few times, it doesn't materialize. Then, on the third or fourth try, they deposit the heels on the outside, and hook it up inside the ring... much like Friday, the lack of sizzle for this alleged "epic showdown" is notable. Fans aren't buying it as anything special.
  
  Jericho and Alberto cut things short by sneak attacking Sheamus, and sending him out of the ring. Then they double team Orton in the ring for an extended sequence. Once Orton is down and out, they turn back to Sheamus, and work over his pre-injured arm and shoulder for a bit. But then, they turn back to Orton, and when Alberto goes for a pinfall on Orton, Jericho breaks it up and gets all pissy. There goes the alliance.
  
  Alberto powders out, so we get a bit of Orton/Jericho (pausing only long enough for Jericho to kick Sheamus while he's down to keep HIM powdered out, too). Jericho wins it, for the most part. Then Orton/Jericho are both on the top turnbuckle when Alberto and Sheamus both get back in the ring; Jericho/Orton go tumbling out to the floor, and now it's time for a little del Rio/Sheamus. Sheamus controls most of this until a quick distraction from Ricardo turns the tide.
  
  Now, it's mostly arm-related offense from Alberto. Extended one-on-one segment shifts to Sheamus' favor when del Rio whiffs on a charge. Sheamus goes for this 10-pack of forearms, but both Jericho and Orton return at this moment. Orton wins that quick 3-way struggle, but just when he's setting up to RKO Sheamus, del Rio returns and locks Orton in the cross armbreaker. No DQs in this match, so no rope break on the submission hold, so it takes Jericho saving Orton to break the hold. Then Sheamus takes out Jericho and del Rio back to back, leaving him alone with Orton. They do a quick back and forth, leading to a replay of Friday's roll-up finish, but this time, Orton kicks out.
   
  Del Rio sends Sheamus out of the ring, and Orton then gets the better of del Rio. Ricardo tries to interfere, but instead, Orton hits him AND Alberto with a double hangman neckbreaker. And then, we hit turbo speed! Jericho in to break up that pinfall AND hit Orton with a Codebreaker. Sheamus breaks it up. Codebreaker for Sheamus, Alberto breaks it up. Alberto powders out, Jericho locks Sheamus in the Walls.... Orton jumps into the ring and hits and RKO on Jericho to break the hold.  Then an RKO to del Rio. Then a Brogue Kick to Orton. Alberto breaks it up. Jericho catches del Rio in the Walls. Orton breaks that up. Sheamus sends Orton tumbling out of the ring, and hits the Celtic Cross (now known as the White Noise) on Jericho for the win.
  
  Whew. The 20 minute match was pretty good, but the last 3-4 minutes were electric, and were not only off the charts good, but woke the crowd up.
  
  
• Backstage: Cody Rhodes is talking to Eve about how happy he is to see Christian come back and decide to face Santino, because now somebody can beat that joker and legitimize the US Title like Cody has legitimized the IC Title. Zoom out, and we see Christian is standing nearby, hearing every word. ANd it turns out, he doesn't like it. So he's changed him mind: he wants to leave Santino alone, and make Cody eat those words. Tonight, it's Cody vs. Christian for the IC Title. OK, that makes MUCH more sense, now....
  
  
• Brodus Clay beats Miz in a "Loser Must Be In The Marine 3" Match. Miz enters first, with a mic, and  registers his disgust with the entire WWE Universe for lapping up all the "Funkasaurus Droppings" that Brodus Clay has been pooping out, instead of recognizing his awesomeness. In an attempt to speak their language, Miz decides to dance for the fans. And he does it so very, very badly. But hilariously. Then Brodus' entrance mercially interrupts, and the sight of Ass Voltron makes us all forget about Miz's Thriller gyrations.
  
  Maybe this wasn't exactly a squash in execution. But it sure was one in spirit. So I don't feel like recapping every move. Instead, I'll point out that Brodus has apparently raided Hugh Morrus' closet for his new singlet. Also, he won the match.
  
  
• Christian beasts Cody Rhodes to win the InterContinental Title. Cody enters first, with a mic, so he can tell the tale of how he grew up in the business, but his daddy never let him come to shows in North Carolina, because of what a barren wasteland of craptacularity it is. Ahhhh, heat is a dish best served cheap. Christian enters, and we're again told he's been absent since November. Ahhhhh, lies are a dish best served oft-repeated until people start to believe them.
  
  Ring the bell, and Christian's showing no signs of rust. Fast start until Cody plays a bit of cat and mouse, and lures Christian out of the ring, and into a trap. Christian eats the steel ring steps, and it's mid-match heel beatdown time. And man alive, is this crowd ever right back to being dead, despite a good match happening in front of them. Maybe I WILL blame them. They suck.
  
  A superplex leaves both men down, but with both having had a lot taken out of them. So a double 10 count from the ref. Both men up, trade blows, and Christian's able to regain control. Match spills outside, where they go back and forth a bit until Cody hits a Disaster Kick (springboarding off the steps, instead of off the ropes). Cody takes it back into the ring, and is in control until he whiffs on a top rope move. Christian on a rally, playing to near silence, except for the brief period where he tricked the crowd into doing some rhythmic clapping.
  
  Rally ends abruptly when Cody shoves Christian off in mid-air on a Tornado DDT attempt, and then follows it up with a beautiful moonsault press. But that only gets a 2 count, and Cody gets frustrated, and starts yelling at the fans for being a bunch of idiots... which gives Christian enough time to recover. When Cody turns around, he walks right into an Unprettier. One, two, and three. New champ.
  
  Good 10-12 minute match, no matter what the live fans thought. And even better: Christian is back, looking sharp, and was a winner not once, but twice tonight. With all due respect to Miz, THAT is how you reek of awesomeness.
  
  
• Backstage: Josh Mathews interviews CM Punk, reminding us that PUnk got his ass kicked on Friday by Kane, so he's sort of pre-injured. Punk says that's true, and he feels like crap for the most part... but overshadowing that is how proud he feels about the chance to have a PPV title match against Daniel Bryan. He gives a short history lesson about their shared past, then says just getting to have this match should be reward enough... but it isn't, because Bryan has changed, and now it won't be enough until he beats some sense back into him. Just as he's promising to deliver a 5-star ass kicking, AJ appears, all cute and smilely, and says she can't wait for an awesome match, and wishes Punk good luck. Punk thanks her, but suspiciously.
  
  
• CM Punk beats Daniel Bryan by Photo Finish to retain the WWE Title. Boxing intros, with strong boos for Bryan, but a vocal minority of "YES! YES! YES!" chants that easily outlast the lazy booers. Pretty much solid cheers for Punk.
  
  Feeling out to start, with headlocks and running the ropes and hip tosses and mat wrestling and stuff. Gives the fans another chance to chime in with dueling "DAN YIL BRY YAN"/"SEE EM PUNK" chants (the latter are louder by about 50%). When they start to  bust out strikes, the crowd shifts to chanting either "YES!" or "NO!" depending on who they are cheering for.
  
  As we start to settle into a bit of psychology/story, Punk starts to win the mat wrestling exchanges, and is able to start focusing on Bryan's left leg, mostly trying to hurt the knee and knot up the hamstring. Cool move where it looked like PUnk was setting up for a surfboard, but Bryan tried to block it, so Punk settled for jumping up and landing hard on the back of Bryan's knees. Ouch.
  
  Momentum shift when Punk lines Bryan up for a plancha, but Bryan ducks it, and when Punk lands on the floor, Bryan immediately turns and (in one fluid motion) spears Punk into the ringside barrier. More brawling at ringside, where Bryan beats on Punk in the timekeeper nook. Back in the ring, and Bryan does what he can to remain in control, despite only having one functioning leg.  Based on the damage he did with the barricade, Bryan is now working on Punks ribs and lower back (which, we are reminded, is also the area Kane destroyed on Friday).
  
  Couple of hope spots for Punk saw him go for the FIgure Four, which (predictably) went over very well with the Carolina crowd. WHOOOO! But Bryan wasn't having any of that happy crappy just now. In fact, now, Bryan sets up for the surfboard... and he gets it. Nice. Then, in mid-surfboard, Bryan turns it into an elevated inverted camel clutch. Ouch. Punk is able to worm out of the hold when Bryan tries to turn it into a Dragon Sleeper... but the damage is done, and once the hold is broken, Bryan's still in charge.
  
  Tide changes when Punk dodges one of Bryan's running knee strikes, and follows it up with a PerfectPlex. Only gets a 2. Punchy kicky, then Bryan wins the exchange with a snap suplex. Bryan follows that up by going to the top rope and dropping a head butt. And no: it was NOT an homage to He Who Shall Not Be Named. Coming on the heels of a snap suplex, that was clearly a tribute to Dynamite Kid.  Still only a two count.
  
  After a double cross body, both men down, and the ref busts out the 10 count. Both men up, and PUnk gets the better of it, as the fans play a little "YES!"/"NO!"... in command, Punk goes for his no-hands plancha a second time, and this time, he hits it. Tosses Bryan back into the ring, and tries to follow up with a springboard move, and immediately eats a mid-air dropkick. Note to CM Punk: on the last 3 PPVs, have you hit a single springboard move after you toss a guy back into the ring? I don't think so.  You might want to take that one back to the drawing board.
  
  Bryan tries to follow up, but gets too interested in yelling "YES!" after his moves than on landing moves, and quickly gets caught by Punk, who wastes no time locking in a Figure Four. This time it works, and the crowd loves it. Rope break, but Punk's still nominally in control for some grappling, including some near falls (one very convincing one off a la magistral cradel). Bryan counters by just blasting Punk in the head with a kick for an equally compelling 2 count.
  
  Crowd: "This is awesome. *clap clap clapclapclap*" I might disagree slightly, but will let it slide. But only because "This is significantly above average" is harder to chant, even if it is more accurate.
  
  Both men up top off the near fall, Bryan crotched on the ropes. This time Punk hits a springboard dropkick, knocking Bryan into the middle of the ring. Near fall. Punk tries the GTS. Bryan escapes, tries for the YES Lock. Escape. Run the ropes, double reversey, Punk lands a KO front kick, but Bryan gets a foot on the ropes to break the hold. Bodyslam, PUnk goes up top for the Macho Man Elbow. He lands it, but hurts his own ribs in the process. The delay in making the cover allows Bryan to kick out. When Punk tries to pick Bryan up to follow up, Bryan just lifts a knee into those ribs. Then he hits several more running knees to the ribs. Steps back to get a BBIIIIIGGGGG running start... Punk dodges, Bryan eats the turnbuckle, Punk tries to follow up with the running knee/bulldog combo, but Bryan shoves him off, and grapples his way into the YES Lock.
  
  YES Lock in the middle of the ring, and Punk's fighting it. Bryan's got it cinched. There will be no escape via traditional means, so Punk improvises.... he uses his last burst of strength to roll towards his back, which doesn't escape the hold, but it DOES put Daniel Bryan's shoulders on the mat. The ref sees this and starts counting... one, two, and three. But at the same time he calls for the bell, we can clearly see Punk tapping out. Ref sticks with his call, and gives the match to Punk, via pinfall.
  
  Running up against 30 minutes, and really, really good, especially the last 10 minutes or so, which were unequivocally deserving of "This is awesome" chants. The replays of the finish confirms that the three count just barely beat the tap-out, so the win is "clean," but it leaves Bryan as the loser in a photo finish so close that makes yesterday's Preakness look like a Ryback squash match. Speaking of which....
  
  
• Ryback beats Camacho. OO doesn't recap squash matches. OO goes to pee during squash matches. The fact that this match was still going on when OO got back from peeing leaves me to suspect that Friday's SmackDown will include Ryback beating both Camacho and Hunico in a handicap match. Whee.
  
  
• Video Package: normally, I don't mention complete filler that WWE inexplicably includes on PPVs (because I do not encourage WWE to charge me for filler), but it's worth mentioning that it's now 10:25pm, and apparently, tonight's main event is going to be so action packed that we can still blow 5 minutes on a video recap of Johnny Ace's greatest hits. Oy.
  
  
• Johnny Ace beats John Cena via Anvil. Johnny's wardrobe is workout pants with a longsleeve underarmor shirt. After quick cat and mouse, Cena catches Johnny, and pulls up said shirt to lay in with chops. WHOOO! Proving this match really IS just about as serious as Warrior/Heenan matches of years past, Cena follows up with a long-ass airplane spin. Then, as a dizzy Johnny struggled to get to his feet, Cena grabbed the rig bell and kept ringing it right in Ace's ear. Then Cena drags Ace over to the Spanish Announce Table, and sits Johnny down. Cena takes a seat, and the two have a rather one-sided immitation of Cole and Booker.
  
  Back in the ring, Johnny offers a hand of friendship. Cena declines. Bodyslam, wacky tackle... thinks about the Five Knuckle Shuffle, but then decides to grab a mic.  Cena says he's about to lock in the SSTF, and if Ace taps, he gets fired. But, in the spirit of good sportsmanship, if Johnny can last 10 seconds, Cena will release the hold. Cena asks the fans to help him out by counting. So he locks in the hold. The fans count. Ace makes it. Cena releases the hold, true to his word.
  
  But he also says he's gonna do it again. Locks in the SSTF, crowd counts to 10. Johnny just BARELY makes it this time, but Cena releases the hold. Cena says he thinks he'll take a break this time, cuz he's parched. So he goes and gets a quick drink of water. Then he thinks Johnny could use a drink, too, and dumps 6 bottles of water on his head (and one down his pants). Then, to aid in the cooling refreshment, Cena starts blsating Johnny with a fire extingsuisher. And then? Cena empties a trashcan on Johnny. Whee.
  
  Suddenly, Johnny scores a lucky blow to Cena's injured arm (the one half-broken by Brock, and then further attacked by Ace and Tensai the net night). Ace grabs a chair for some follow up, and even gets a near fall off it. But Cena blocks the next chair shot, and instead hits a chair assisted Five Knuckle Shuffle. However, as Cena goes to hoist Ace up for the FU, Johnny hits a low blow, and then decides to make an escape out through the crowd.
  
  There's no count-outs (it's a pinfall/submission only match), so now what do we do? We wait, because Johnny just crawled out onto the concourse, and met the Big Show, who was waiting for him, and is dragging him back to the ring. Cena (stupid as can be) smiles as Show gets into the ring with Johnny... Big Show grabs Johnny as if to chokeslam him, but instead, just shoves Johnny into Cena. Cena hoists Johnny up for the FU, but Show then lands the KO Punk on Cena. Show lounges in the corner as Ace crawls over to cover Cena.
  
  One. Two..... Three! Johnny wins, and now the only question is how willing an accomplice Big Show was.
  
  Nope, strike that. Big Show helps Johnny to his feet, and raises Johnny's hand. He can't be that conflicted about doing whatever he had to in order to get his job back.
  
  Match felt longer than it was (that's not really a good thing), but what the hell are you gonna do with Johnny Ace in the ring? They just carted out a dog and pony show, and then had Johnny selff everything like he was 45 minutes into a match that was only 8 minutes old. It wasn't awful or anything, but it also didn't do anything more than the bare minimum of what I was assuming it'd do (right down to the "shocking" ending with Big Show, which shouldn't have shocked anybody). Not a main event in theory, nor in execution, and yet, it was the last taste left in our mouths.
  
  Specifically, the PPV faded to black on the image of Johnny Freaking Ace limping victoriously up the ramp. Men.
  

And so ends the show. My standard "last taste left in your mouth is the most important one" hueristic is still valid, and makes it hard for me to be too enthusiastic about things right now. Cena/Ace was sort of fun in a retarded sort of way, but that doesn't make it a main event. Especially if the Big Show thing was supposed to count as "surprising." Because it wasn't.
 
But I'd also be remiss if I didn't commend the rest of the show for being pretty solid. Not rock-your-socks-off, but solid. With a few bits that rose above "solid." If you like wrestling, you should probably make an effort to see Punk/Bryan on the youtubes... but everything else, the highs were either too short (the SD fourway, which only heated up for the last couple minutes) or too low (more like free TV highs, like the IC and tag matches).
 
Hopefully, if you're reading this, that means you decided to let me take the bullet for you, and you got to enjoy my retelling of the story of Over the Limit 2012, rather than paying $50 for WWE's telling. If so, I remind you that I take these bullets for you with regularity, and you can help offset the costs and reassure me that it's worth my while by making a small donation to OO. Hey, without me, you're stuck with Keller or Meltzer or some other toolbox of epic proportions trying to spin a yarn for you. So gimme gimme gimme!
 
ANd if not, and you're using this recap IN ADDITION TO the actuall PPV, I can only trust that you do so because you know Rick Scaia is the leading name in Turd Polishing since 1998. Which is probably also worth a donation, as well. GIMME~!

Or don't. It's entirely up to you, so long as you keep coming back. See you again soon, kids....