I'm also past the ad box, so I hereby admit to digressing. I just want all the ladies out there (and by percentage, my ad agency says I have twice as many as any other wrestling site) to know that even though I do get nominally balder and fatter with each passing year, I remain as Overall Awesome as ever due to enhancing Cooking Skillz. Plus, I shaved my head 10 years ago, so you don't even notice the baldness. Pretend you're impressed! And then tell me how impressed you are via email! Use pornographic detail!
 
Anyway, here's what happened at the just-completed No Way Out 2012 pay-per-view:

• Opening Montage/Pyro/Etc., and we're live from the Meadowlands (located in a netherworld that is both New York and New Jersey; and also where Jimmy Hoffa was buried), site of next year's WrestleMania, and where we're welcomed by the now-standard PPV announce team of Booker, King, and Cole. And we're also wasting no time, as they kick it over to the always-tasty Lilian Garcia for a show-opening world title match...
  
  
• Sheamus beats Dolph Ziggler to retain the World Heavyweight Title. Champion enters first, for reasons unexplained. Dolph enters second, but does so WITHOUT the standard Vickie introduction; now that he's a contendah, it's just him and his music, apparently, and Vickie's only there for accompaniment.
  
  Out of the gate, it's some mat wrestling and feeling out, and it's immediately obvious that the crowd is going to be an insubordinate one, as Dolph sounds like the fan favorite, with some boos for Sheamus. Even if it's a case of a vocal minority, it's noticeable and it's tainting the atmosphere. Not that there's anything wrong with that. For whatever it's worth, Ziggler's attempts at offense are FAR less exciting than his big-ass bumps... match is only 6-7 minutes old, and he's locked in a couple of chinlocks and gone for a sleeper or two. Whee. On the upside, one of those was his "handstand chinlock" thingie, which the crowd liked.
  
  Ziggler's philosophy is "go for a cover after even the most inconsequential move," which isn't necessarily thrilling action, but it's a nice touch of realism. Not only does it give the impression that every move "hurts" (something that is often forgotten by spot monkeys), but also because it fits Dolph's character of not wanting to miss his opportunity to win a title. Plus it primes the pump, and the crowd starts up on the "TWWWOOOOOOOOOO" chants early, and by the time the near falls start to count, they are WAY into the two counts.
  
  At the 12 minute mark, Ziggler's nominal focus on Sheamus' neck pays off with a Rocker Dropper/Fameasser and the first really convincing near fall of the match. After a quick flurry, Sheamus regains control long enough to try to go up to the top, but Ziggler catches him up there, and hits him with a top rope facebuster to a huge reaction (and another convincing near fall).
  
  But that's when Sheamus got on a rally by countering Dolph's attempt at a Zig Zag, turning it into an Irish Curse. Another quick grapple, and Sheamus landed the White Noise, and followed up with the Brogue Kick for the win. Pretty standard "superman" finish, but it really was a good showing for Ziggler... not only was it a very solid 15 minute opener, but the announcers sold it as Ziggler giving Sheamus everything he could handle before the champ reached down deep to pull off the win.
  
  
• Santino Marella beats Ricardo Rodriguez in a Tuxedo Match. Non-title, I guess? Whatever. Santino is decked out in a powder blue/ruffled shirt combo, and instead of speed walking to the ring, he flat out struts. Swanky. Ricardo is far less confident as he enters.
  
  A little shoving match gives way to both guys ripping each others jacket pockets off. That escalates to some almost-wrestling, which Santino wins, allowing him to rip off Ricardo's jacket and use it for some crowd-pleasing "ole" spots. Dipshit wankers in the crowd try a "boring" chant, because they are wankers, and that's what wankers do. In the mean time Ricardo gains a brief advantage, and removes Santino's pants... but as he goes to take off Santino's socks, it's revealed that Santino is wearing a "Cobra" sleeve under one sock. Ricardo eats a Foot Cobra, and gets stripped down to his Alberto del Rio underpants (yes, he had Alberto's face on his briefs).
  
  Five minutes of harmless fun.
  
  
• Backstage: CM Punk is being interviewed while wearing a new "I Dig Crazy Chicks" t-shirt. This is every bit as foolish a stance as not digging booze, but whatever works for you, dude. Punk tries to quickly reframe the match as a totally serious wrestling match, devoid of any other levels of drama or crazychickery, but then AJ pops up behind him, wishes him luck, and kisses him on the cheek. Punk tells her, "Thanks... but luck is for losers." And Aj keeps smiling her mysterious little smile, because she's a wrestling nerd who knows an ROH catchphrase when she hears it.
  
  
• Christian beats Cody Rhodes to retain the IC Title. Hot start for Christian comes to a halt after about 2-3 minutes, when the match spills outside, and he tries for a plancha, but Cody avoids it and takes command. Rhodes then proceeds to focus on Christian's left arm for your mid-match heel beatdown segment.
  
  Fittingly enough, the tide starts to turn when the match spills outside again. This time, Christian's the one able to counter, and send Rhodes into the ring steps, and the followed that up with a sweet tornado DDT off the steps and onto the floor. Back in the ring, and it goes to more of a back-and-forth vibe, trading near falls. Big move when Cody goes up top, but gets caught, and Christian hits him with a top rope rana, instead.  But when Christian sets up for a Spear, Cody dodges it... more back and forth, ending with an Unprettier. But only for two.
  
  Then Christian goes for the Frog Splash, but Rhodes gets the knees up to block. Cody goes for the disaster kick, Christian dodges, goes for another Unprettier, countered by Rhodes, another disaster kick attempt, another duck by Christian, and this time, when Rhodes turns back around, he walks right into a Spear. One, two, and three.  Very good 10 minute match that was downright excellent for the last 2-3 minutes. The final exchange (starting with the frog splash) was silky smooth and a thing of beauty, too. Had the crowd completely into it. Good times.
  
  
• The Prime Time Players win a Fatal Fourway to become the new #1 Contenders to the tag team titles. Other than Titus/Young, you've also got the Colons, the Usos, and Justin Gabriel/Tyson Kidd.
   
  So the story is AW's "genius" management resulted in the COlons' automatic rematch clause to expire. Ten out of 10 for addressing a continuity error, but minus several million for having a plan and sticking to it.  The announcers keep this as an ongoing thread, too, which is a bad idea, as it forces Cole to act like this storyline makes sense and "AW" totally did it on purpose, while Booker points out how stupid this whole thing is.
  
  No real flow or story for the first several minutes of rapid back and forth tags, until the Colons cut the ring in half (in quarters?) and isolate on Gabriel for a couple minutes straight. Lukewarm kid to Kidd, and things quickly breakdown into a Pier 8 brawl, which results in a "Holy Shit" moment, as Kidd and Primo were up top, and the rest of the guys were all in a mob on the floor: so Kidd hit a top-rope-to-the-floor rana on Primo. Wow. But Young was the legal man, and not a part of the mob who "caught" the two, so he was in the ring as AW picked Primo out of the pile of flesh and "helped" him get back in the ring, as he was the legal man. But it sure looked like he just tossed Primo back in to the ring. Hmmm...
  
  Young hits Primo with a very nice modified gutbuster, and that's that. And then AW gets in the ring and raises their arms. Ahhhhhhh, I get it. AW did handle the Colons oh so stupidly. BUT HE DID IT ON PURPOSE because he really wanted to manage the Prime Time Players. In my face! The writer monkeys pull the halfway-sensible swerve. ANd I like it. Thank you, Writer Monkeys, may I have another?
  
  Match was a big fat nothing, but the finish was pretty cool. Afterwards, the Colons try to beat up AW, which I guess is a face turn? But Young and Titus don't let that happen, and it looks like Kofi and Truth got a pretty serious new #1 contender to deal with.
  
  
• Triple H Finds Anvils Delicious Theatre. Hunter hits the ring and immediately waxes nostalgic by pointing out that he's spent half of his life in this very ring, as a wrestler, and he regrets none of it. Because it's the only thing he was ever really good at, and it meant he'd never have to get a real job. But the irony is, now he's got a real job. A front office job. And the reason he hasn't been in the ring for 2 months is because he's been stuck dealing with lawsuits and other corporate mumbo jumbo as a result of Paul Heyman and Brock Lesnar. And he hates his real job.
  
  So HHH has an idea: his arm is feeling better, and he's a fighter at heart. And he doesn't think Brock is a lawyer or a quitter, despite all these legal wranglings and his walking out. So how about HHH get 100% back into fighting shape, and Brock get back to doing what he does best, too, and they face off against each other at SummerSlam? HHH started doing an overly intense "Lets. Do. This." thing that I think he wanted to turn into a chant, but the crowd was having none of his ham-handery. They just started chanting "YES! YES! YES!". Keeping it simple.
  
  Not sure I understand why this was on PPV, since every multi-cellular organism on the planet knew it was coming, but whatever: it gets us where we want to go, and at least this means that tomorrow on RAW, Paul Heyman should be there. Everything's better with Heyman.
  
  
• Backstage: AJ tries to say "no hard feelings" to Daniel Bryan, but Bryan just blows her off.
  
  
• Layla beats Beth Phoenix to retain the Women's Title.  Match is 7 seconds old when the crowd decides "We Want Kharma *clap* *clap* *clapclapclap*"... nice idea, wankers, but given the circumstances of Kharma's absence, you should be nice and just leave that up to her.
  
  Layla keeps the opening minutes fun by countering Beth's cocky bravado by imitating Beth's mannerisms, and picking her spots to land quick hits before retreating. But then Beth catches her, and the beatdown is on. Focus is on Layla's lower back. Tide turns when Beth tries for a Warrior-style triple press slam, but Layla turns it into a wraparound DDT, instead. Only two, but after another quick grapple, Layla hits her neckbreaker finisher, and scores the win.
  
  Huh. Layla continues to feel like a "place keeper" champ more than anything, but she keeps winning. ANd her matches ain't bad, so why bother complaining?
  
  
• Backstage: AJ is looking for Kane. And finds him. But she doesn't seem sure what to say... in fact, she says, "I'm not really sure...." and then fades off. At which point she and Kane lock eyes. And something occurs to Kane, so he begins to bend down. Slowly. ANd then he kisses AJ, rather tenderly at first, but then she starts kissing him back, and the make-out session is on! The crowd is chanting "YES! YES! YES!" at full voice for Kane's newfound (but still somehow gentlemanly) libido. Kane breaks off and leaves without saying a single word. The camera lingers on AJ long enough for her to convey the idea that she just had her breath taken away. In the good way. [Or did she?]
  
  
• Sin Cara beats Hunico. It's only the 1973rd time these two have wrestled, but I guess it's the one opponent WWE trusts Sin Cara to face on live TV without it getting all botchy. For the most part, Sin Cara repays their faith by not screwing up. But also: by not doing much. Pretty long heel beatdown sequence, which is just not what you want to put up with in a glorified squash match. Nobody's buying what Hunico's selling in this match, and the result is that the only audible crowd noise in this match is a "We Want Ryder" chant. Woo woo woo, and so forth.
  
  Sin Cara fires up to near silence, hits the tilt-a-whirl armbar takedown, and that's that. Whee. Didn't suck, but it's 6 minutes that just didn't really belong on PPV, and the crowd was more than happy to point it out by indicating a preference for seeing Zack Ryder.
  
  
• CM Punk retains the WWE Title by beating Kane and Daniel Bryan in a Three-Way Match. Well, as if the opener didn't make it clear, this is a live audience that is already practicing for next year's WrestleMania: Bryan gets huge cheers for his entrance. But then again: so does Punk. Boxing style intros, and we're off. Oh, and by the by, no AJ to start.
  
  Punk and Bryan decide to double team on Kane, mostly with stiff kicks. Kane powders out long enough for Punk and Bryan to trade chops and punches for the red hot crowd. Punk wins that exchange, but then Kane waylays him before anybody can get too happy about it. Even when Bryan gets back into it, this is an extended segment where Kane is just kicking ass on both guys.
  
  Not the most thrilling stretch, but it "fits" the story of the these three. Still, it's clear that the live crowd is getting antsy for PUnk or Bryan to do something, and I suspect we share their tastes, to some extent. At about the 8 minute mark, Kane is entirely focused on Punk, and Bryan's able to re-enter the fray with a few high impact kicks to send Kane out of the ring.... fans dig it, and now we're back to Punk vs. Bryan for a bit.
  
  But only a little bit. Kane interrupts a superplex attempt. Punk and Kane get into a debate over who will superplex Bryan, and eventually get too involved with punching each other that they forget Bryan is up on the top rope.... so Bryan hits them both with a double flying dropkick. ANd then starts wailing on them with front kicks once they're down on the mat (to massive "YES!" chants).
  
  A bit more back and forthy among all three, and Bryan tries to superplex Punk, but Kane interrupts, and gets under Bryan. It turns into a Doomsday Device, with Punk clotheslining Bryan off Kane's shoulders. Then Punk dispatches Kane, and focuses on Bryan. Macho Man Elbow, and then a GTS, but Kane breaks it up.
  
  A Punk/Kane exchange is foiled by Bryan, who kicks Kane out of the ring. Bryan then wins an exchange with Punk, cinching in the YES! Lock.... but there's Kane to break it up and send Bryan out of the ring to create another 2-man exchange.
   
  Mini beatdown with Kane decimating Punk, but Punk is able to rally, and again it builds to a Macho Man Elbow, and a GTS attempt. But Punk's too hurt to hoist up Kane. Kane with a chokeslam, but Punk kicks out at two. Kane is frustrated, and eventually decides on trying for a Tombstone... but Punk worms out the backdoor, and shoves Kane off into the ropes....
  
  Which is when AJ suddenly ran in and jumped up onto the apron.
  
  Kane crashes into AJ, sending her flying 10 feet off the apron. Kane turns to check on AJ, and that moment of distraction is enough for Punk to kick him in the face and then muster the strength to hoist Kane up and nail the GTS. Winner.  Really solid 20 minute affair.
  
  
• After the Match: Kane goes to check on AJ, who seems unconscious. He decides to pick her up and carry her off, Beauty and the Beast style... but as they get to the top of the ramp, AJ lifts her head up off Kane's chest and looks back to the ring over Kane's shoulder, and is not just conscious, she's smiling a big-ass smile, which Punk sees. And he smiles back. They aren't in cahoots, I don't htink, but it's clear that AJ picked her spot to help Punk win, and Punk appreciates her efforts. Huh. Intriguing finish (except for the part where I bet they pretend Kane doesn't own a TV, so he doesn't know about the smile like the rest of the entire universe, because the Writer Monkeys like to pretend there's a fourth wall in wrestling).
  
  Side note: does anyone other than me see this as a golden opportunity to call back to the Big Show angle where AJ got "destroyed" by Show, and acted all delicate and sympathetic, even as OO was suggesting she might be complicit in some over-riding Evil Scheme? Because Kane hit her just as hard as Big Show did, and this time, she was all smiley and flirty 3 minutes later... or do we not take advantage of this, because we do not give the audience enough credit to remember back to January?
  
  
• Ryback squashes Two Dudes. You've seen it a dozen times before. I'm not recapping it. OK, one move: Ryback went up to the second rope to add a new move (a "Timber" splash). Where's Gillback, dammit? That might at least be nominally fun.
  
  
• SummerSlam Ad: a bunch of guys in the ad who aren't currently active... given the "curse" of No Way Out (in terms of planned matches, like Jericho/Orton, then Orton/Ziggler, and then Sheamus/del Rio all having to be scrapped), it's sort of interesting to think ahead to the 2nd biggest show of the year, and what might be in store when WWE has a complete roster to work with. Think about how many guys are gone right now, but will be here in 2 months.... HHH and Lesnar (special attraction only wrestlers), Jericho (back from Brazil suspension in a week or two), Mysterio (back from injury/contested suspension in a month), Barrett (back from injury very soon, and likely to win a briefcase at MitB), Orton (Mr. Dumdum probably won't be pushed all the way to the top, at least not at first, but the douchier fans will welcome him back like a returning hero), Miz (off filming a movie now, but due for a reboot when he returns), del Rio (might miss up to a month, and then back at full strength); all guys who you'd expect to play a part on SummerSlam, but who aren't currently in the mix. Interesting....
  
  
• John Cena beats Big Show in a Cage Match; as a result, Johnny Ace is fired. The cage lowers, Johnny Ace and Vince enter and sit down next to each other at ringside, then Show hits the ring. And finally Cena, to a strongly mixed mixed reaction. Cena oversells how intimidated he is by the cage, then finally enters, and the door is closed, and we're off.
  
  Show dominates out of the gates, playing off the cage match/"no way out" vibe where the big man feasts on the trapped prey. Limited sympathy for JonJon, as his pain is met with "Let's Go Cena"/"Cena Sucks" chants. But it's not like there are big cheers for Show; mostly just fans having fun at booing Cena. Cena tries a couple of sneaky cage escapes when Show is distracted that (to my mind) only enhanced the idea that he was kind of a weinerboy here. A weasely, opportunistic weinerboy. I don't know if that's a bad vibe for your mega-good-guy to be giving off, or a nice change-of-pace from Mr. Superman.
  
  To his credit, Show starts playing off the mixed reaction, by taunting Cena with stuff like "They don't care" or "They don't like you" when the cameras get in close and turn on the mics. Nice touch. Between Cena being constantly rejected by fans and Show's character turning against the fans, it's just a real nice but of subtext.
  
  It's just 100% Big Show, and 10 minutes in, Cena's gotten nothing more than a 30 second hope spot or two. It's also at this point that Show starts going for pinfalls, as the rules are pinfall/submission/escape. A couple convincing ones after a series of quasi powerbombs into the cage wall, and then after a VaderBomb (Vader's presence lingers!).
  
  ANd then, the spot of the night: Show drags Cena to a corner, and climbs up to the top rope. Then he palms Cena's skull like a basketball and in one move lifts him all the way up to the top rop. Awesome. He slams Cena's had against the cage's top bracing, and Cena falls back into the middle of the ring. Then Show ropewalks (Undertaker style) to get the right angle, and tries to drop a top rope elbow... but the time spent lining it up meant Cena had time to recover and dodge it. It ended poorly for him, but good on you, Big Show. Way to bring the awesome!
  
  But this also means the start of Cena's fire up and End Game....  Cena with a flurry of signature moves and near falls, but then decides to shift gears and go for the escape. Ace gets up and slams the cage door, which prevents Escape #1. Vince gets up to confront Ace, and takes control of the door, as Cena prepares for Escape #. But Ace gets up and tackles Vince into the door, causing the door to slam into Cena's head. Show lines up for a KO Punch, but Cena ducks and the WMD lands on the ref. But another quick exchange, and SHow lands the WMD on Cena.
  
  With the ref out, Show can't go for a pinfall, but he decides to try for the escape... and that's when it gets Crazy Go Nuts! Brodus shows up at the cage door with a steel chair! Show thinks about going over the top to climb out, but Santino and ALex Riley run out to block that side of the cage. Show KO punches them both THROUGH THE CAGE WALL. Nice. Zack Ryder runs out to a HUGE pop and tries his luck, but also gets KO punched through the wall. Kofi is the last of Show's recent victims to run out, and actually climbs to the top of the cage to have an exchange with Show. [Technically, there is one more victim of Big Show: R-Truth. But he's hurt for real, as a result of a tag match in Europe and not because of Big Show, and not up to participating tonight.]
  
  Show wins that exchange with Kofi, but when he turns back to Cena, Cena has recovered, and it's a very short trip to Cena hitting the F-U. But the ref is still out, so Cena has to climb over the top to escape. Johnny stands under Cena and starts waving a crutch to prevent Cena from descending. Meantime, Show is recovering enough to crawl towards the door.... it's looking like Show might steal it until Brodus tackles Johnny and takes the crutch away from him. Cena is able to climb down to the floor mere moments before Show tumbles out of the cage. Winner.
  
  A 25 minute dog and pony show that benefited from a much better finish than I'd have imagined. You expected Vince and Johnny to get involved, and also: you didn't really care. But bringing out all of Big Show's recent victims? Not expected, but very much fun. Even if all of them were cannon fodder, except for Brodus, you gotta love getting a cheap rise out of the crowd (myself included) by having a few fan favorites run-in for main event cameos. Especially Ryder's. And hey, people have been asking for the "new" guys to quit having squash matches and do something important? It looks like Brodus is now due to be important. I'm not compaining.
  
  
• After the Match: Vince took much glee in saying "You're Fired" to Johnny Ace, and then Cena F-U'd the poor guy through the announce table to end the show. Everybody celebrate John Cena vanquishing Big Johnny! Or don't. Since it's not like firings last. But for now, try to feel happy as the show fades to black....in
    

And so ends the show. Can't really put anything from tonight on the "youtube worthy" list, but this was also a show where -- if you decided to sit down and watch -- you'd be reasonably amused, on the whole.
 
The main event delivered a bit more than I expected, so that didn't leave a bad taste in my mouth, or anything... but you still can't shake the notion that nothing on this show really provided the punctuation at the end of a sentence in the way that you expect PPVs to deliver closure. Instead, it strung you along and raised more questions than it answered.

This is the kind of show WWE should be doing every week, and then blowing our minds when the monthly PPV rolls around. Have we really gotten to the point where WWE is only able to deliver "weekly episodic TV" when they are mega-inspired by the PPV stage? Cuz honestly, weekly episodic TV isn't that hard or complicated.... that's why you should do it "weekly." Then "monthly," you deliver something bigger and better, and which might actually take a non-zero level of creativity and intelligence to craft.

That was missing from No Way Out, as best illustrated by sending Triple H out there for a promo that would have been way more at home on a random edition of RAW,  yet was presented as a "big deal" on a PPV. You just paid $6.12 (pro-rated) to watch HHH challenge Brock Lesnar to a match at SummerSlam (which costs $54.95). Are you satisfied by that?
 
Didn't think so. If the rumors are true, I can't wait for the WWE Network to get here, so we pare back to 4-6 PPVs per year, and the rest are "free" on the Network. When I was a kid, it was 4 PPVs per year, and about 8 Saturday Night's Main Events, then the rest of the weekly shows that I watched out of loyalty. In a roundabout way, we might be heading back for those days, and if so, I kinda hope WWE prioritizes/stratifies them in that way so that I never get confused again by buying a PPV and getting a random Monday Night Show in its place, like tonight.
 
But your mileage may vary. That is all. You're welcome....