Behind, behind, behind… I’ve got one IGN assignment that I’ve been trying to get to for a week, but stuff keeps getting in my way. I had the last three days off, but different issues have kept me from really baring down and really attacking it. I had a similar game last week, and it took about 42 man-hours to bang out. With that one, I had to isolate myself from everything: no Facebook, no instant messengers, not even normal-priority e-mails. I’m thinking I might have to do that again.
 

I mean heck, since I’ve complained about it several weeks ago, I still haven’t done my Godfather marathon, and I still haven’t watched any baseball. And from what I gather, I’ve missed a few good ones, like the Cubs beating the Pujols-less Cardinals. Well, the Cubs won the series anyway, and both wins were pretty exciting. And I’m missing it all!

I did take two hours out of my day yesterday to do something for myself, which I’ll talk about on Monday’s precap. And that was fun… but it was completely anti-productive. I want to sleep, but I’ve got to keep going if I want to get this stuff done and earn my paycheck. Can’t stop, can’t stop, can’t stop…

But for now, hey, I’m all yours! And as we enter the last SmackDown before Extreme Rules, WWE should be bringing some strong stuff tonight.

Oh, one last thing before we get to it, since I’m vain and hate looking like a total fucking idiot even though I usually am one. If you read the RAW recap, you may recall that I called bullshit on Eve’s mention of a rule that states that wrestlers can’t drink alcohol “within 12 hours of the event,” and Rick politely corrected me that it was indeed an actual rule. The issue here was, when Eve said it, I interpreted her statement as “WWE doesn’t allow anyone to drink within 12 hours of ending the show,” which is demonstrably untrue. I didn’t realize she meant “within 12 hours of DOING the show,” which DOES make sense. I’m pretty sure no job anywhere allows their workers to be drunk on the clock, so I get it. I suppose I’m still an idiot for misinterpreting it in the first place, but hopefully I haven’t made you roll your eyes at me too hard.

All right, let’s roll on to SmackDown…

Opening: Seems I screwed up a bit with the RAW recap… The Mark Henry/Sheamus rematch is taking place tonight, not next Monday. I guess that makes sense, since the title might change hands on Sunday.

Also, Josh Mathews apparently has stiffness in his neck after getting thrown around by Lesnar on Monday. Not sure if you care, but there we are.

Segment 1: Here comes Daniel Bryan, who this time is taking a pretty solid wall of boos. The boos get louder as he opens his blathering that he’s “cut the umbilical cord” by dumping AJ. Also: that 18-second loss against Sheamus at WrestleMania “does not count,” or should at least be put in AJ’s L-column, since it was of course AJ’s loss. ‘Cause that makes sense.

But even though Sheamus is wandering around with his World Heavyweight Title, once Johnny Ace said DB would be the guest ref in the Sheamus/Henry match on Monday, DB would so totally call it down the middle. And he did! Let’s watch the replay!

And we see DB doing his three count… in slow-motion. Funny, but Michael Cole was taking it entirely too seriously, which lessened the impact.

DB recaps the rest of his and Sheamus’s interaction, which I’ve already recapped, assuring us that Sheamus is totally going to lose on Sunday since the only reason he won the title in the first place was due to taking advantage of a “not very intelligent woman.”

And, uh, here comes Alberto Del Rio? He mocks DB’s new catchphrase by asking rhetorical questions like “Is Daniel Bryan a big baby?,” and Ricardo Rodriguez chimes in with “Si!” Cute.

They get to the ring and ADR declares (still with the mockery) that he will win the belt from whoever has it after Sunday. But then Big Show comes out and gets the crowd chanting “Yes! Si!” over and over before faking punches to DB and ADR. They bail, and Ricardo tries to too, but Show catches him. Ricardo freaks out, but Show calms him down, asking: “So what do you think Ricardo? Is it ‘Yes,’ or ‘Si’?”

Ricardo looks about four seconds away from crying and responds with the same sound as the Incredible Hulk having sex with a computer power supply. Show says that’s the wrong answer and chokeslams him to solid cheers.

But he’s not going away, because Show and ADR are against each other right now (after ads)!

Segment 2 [Singles Match]: Big Show defeats Alberto Del Rio by disqualification. This was an extended squash, with ADR just not getting anything done. Once Show was ready to end it, he went for a chokeslam… and that’s when Cody Rhodes came down and chop-blocked Show.

Post-Segment 2: ADR got in a parting shot then ran away. Cody dug under the ring and pulled out a kendo stick and a chair, then readied the kendo stick first to Show’s back… which he totally no-sold. So Cody quickly grabbed the old standby chair, but Show just punched it out of his hands. At some point, Cody took off his belt as a weapon too, but Show ripped it out of his hands, ripped Cody’s shirt off, then smacked Cody on the back.

Show held up after the one whack, letting Cody run. They exchanged looks of minor intensity, though Cody’s expression was more offended while Show’s was simply annoyed.

Segment 3: Johnny Ace and Eve are walking in the back, with Ace giving her a generic pep talk ripped straight out of every office ever. He concludes that if she has any ideas to improve the place, she should suggest them. She immediately says that the crew should all wear name tags since she doesn’t know who any of them are, and Ace is down with it.

Teddy Long comes in. Dialogue ensues, and it ends with Ace ordering that Teddy now must report directly to Eve for everything. She ends by ordering him to go get himself a nametag.

Cut Scene: We get a recap of the Divas Title match on Monday. Rick stated that Beth’s ankle injury is a work (meaning I lost my theoretical bet about it, damnit!), but as far as the storyline goes, it’s a “serious ankle sprain.” Aw…

Segment 4: Damien Sandow gives us another awesome promo, this time giving us a history lesson in addition to insulting us. However, he once again adds a twist: by insulting WWE itself.

Okay, so maybe not the company as a whole; he’s not CM Punk. However, he says that WWE is full of “self-righteous demagogues” with their “nonsensical catchphrase and vile theme music.” Heh.

But we don’t need to have fear, because Damien Sandow will debut next week! “You’re welcome.”

Ha! I seriously can’t wait for the guy. If his in-ring skills are even half as good as his promo skills (or at least his vocabulary), I’m going to care way more about him than Ryback.

Pre-Segment 5: I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t point this out: when the Bellas have compared themselves to each other (and when we in the forums did the same thing, with pictures), Nikki has always said that you can tell her from her sister due to her (Nikki’s) fuller ass. And as they did their little wiggle on the stage during their entrance, Nikki’s ass certainly does have a bounce to it that Brie’s lacks. I’ll have to pay attention to that in the future. [Ed. Note: you have one week left to pay attention. Enjoy them while you can.]

You know, just so I can tell them apart in the ring. For your benefit.

Quit rolling your eyes, let’s just get to the match… *sniff*

Segment 5 [Singles Match]: Nikki Bella (w/ Brie Bella) technically defeats Alicia Fox by pin. Decent match but awfully short. Nikki was fired up today for some reason and did some good punchy-kicky work, but it was more “good for the divas” rather than just “good.” Still, the Bellas have been really doing well lately, which makes me wonder a) why they’re leaving and b) why they haven’t been allowed to do more matches before now.

Alicia tried a comeback spot toward the end, which was a crappy-looking corner rebound back elbow. She hit it but oversold the landing, and as Awesome Ref Justin King checked on her, the Bellas did their twin magic. Brie finished off Alicia with a sit-down faceplant and made the pin.

Segment 6: Yoshi Tatsu is doing some warmup squats in the back, and then Titus O’Neil and Darren Young arrive to mock him. Ezekiel Jackson arrives to declare that he is Yoshi’s partner, which makes them burst into chants that I can’t quite understand. Even though I couldn’t quite grasp the particulars, I’ll say this: Titus and Young are showing more personality than I’ve seen in any one team in a long time. Hopefully they can keep it up.

Segment 7: Teddy Long is wearing an all-white maid’s dress (sorta) with a huge “Hello My Name Is Teddy” logo on it. Aksana (wearing something that to me is an aphrodisiac and no I’m not going to elaborate) arrives. Stupidity for once doesn’t ensue: Teddy says that he’s humiliated doing all this but knowing that his grandchildren’s college funds are safe, he’s okay with it. Hopefully you remembered that little plot point.

Aksana replies that’s great and all, but when she first got with him, she had no idea he was so old that he had grandchildren.

Before she can elaborate on that, Ace and Eve arrive and declare that Aksana’s past boyfriend, Antonio, is now officially debuting on SmackDown. Oh, and Aksana is the guest ring announcer for that match, which I guess will be a little later.

She thanks him and runs off, and then Eve says that Long will get to be on commentary from now on. But he’ll have his own booth (“The Teddy Table”), but he’ll have to hear Ace’s instructions on the headset and will only be allowed to speak when ordered to. Guess we’ll see how that shakes out next…

Segment 8 [Tag Match]: Titus O’Neil & Darren Young defeat Yoshi Tatsu & Ezekiel Jackson by pin. An extended squash, the heels just beat the shit out of Yoshi, who never managed to ever make a tag. The match ended with their finisher, a modified Doomsday Device (simultaneous powerbomb and top rope diving clothesline). Very sweet move, and I hope they pick a good name for it.

Segment 9: Michael Cole is in the ring to interview Randy Orton. Once Orton hits the ring, Cole is all smiles as he mentions Ace’s “edict” that if any wrestler touches any commentator, the wrestler is suspended.

Well, that doesn’t exactly start the interview off on the right foot, and Orton makes some vague threats. Cole pushes that aside to give us a video montage recap of the whole story between Kane and Orton. After that finishes, Cole opens by asking an argumentative question: how can Orton hope to beat Kane when Orton made Kane this psychotic in the first place. Orton cuts a generic promo that is well-spoken, just nothing special or worthy of your time.

Then Jinder Mahal of all people hits the ring looking more like he should be considered an offensive stereotype than ever. He too makes a vanilla promo, arguing that he’s so totally going to pick apart Orton after Orton gets the crap beaten out of him after Extreme Rules. Some fans chant “USA! USA!” because they’re stupid.

Jinder starts to leave, but Orton holds him up and asks him if he’s an announcer. Because Mahal is just as stupid as the “USA!”-chanting audience members, or maybe he was in the bathroom and not paying attention to the beginning of the segment, he actually stops and asks Orton how he could have the audacity to ask the question. Words ensue, Orton his an RKO, the fans cheer, and I run to get another Big Red from my fridge.

Segment 10 [Singles Match]: Antonio Cesaro squashes Tyson Kidd by pin. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but Cesaro has even less of a move set than Ryback. Ugh.

Post-Segment 10: Long was still on commentary, and I guess he got orders by Ace to head in the ring and hold Cesaro’s arm up in victory. After that, Cesaro and Aksana reenact any sword fight in the Zorro TV series, except using their tongues instead of rapiers. T-Long almost cries but dejectedly heads to the back. Don’t worry buddy: we’ve all been there.

Segment 11: Yet another replay of the Lesnar/Cena video package, though they mix in Edge’s Monday night pep talk.

Segment 12 [Singles Match]: Khali squashes Cody Rhodes by pin. Did Cody pee in Ace’s coffee or something? This match wasn’t even remotely competitive, despite Cody pretty handedly kicking Khali’s ass prior to WrestleMania.

Segment 13: RRRRRR…

…Man, I don’t even have my usual fire for my new Latina crush. Stupid obligations hanging over my head, flooding my brain.

Anyway, Rosa and the tag champs are in some hallway, and we get a sweeping shot that also shows that the random stage crew is indeed now wearing nametags. Cute.

Okay, so Abraham Washington is there, and evidently a porcupine crawled into his tampon as he rants and raves how unfair it is that the tag champs aren’t on the card for Extreme Rules. He has all these awesome ideas, like that Rosa should speak more! (She responds to that in Spanish with a smile, which I honestly hope translates into some sort of elaborate insult.) But AW has other shit to do and other clients to see, so he needs a decision by these guys by Monday whether they officially want to take them on as their manager.

Then Ryback walks by, and gives them the stink eye. AW chases after him too as the others discuss Monday.

Pre-Segment 14: This time it’s the Usos who are watching a monitor in the back as Some Guy blathers like an idiot with cheap heat before Ryback pops out. Evidently it’s working because the fans actually cheer him as he makes his entrance… I guess it’s the only way to get a monster squasher over as a face.

Segment 14 [Singles Match]: Ryback squashes Some Guy by pin.

Segment 15: Matt Striker interviews AJ in the back, who refuses to make any comments about Daniel Bryan or his match. Striker tries three questions, until yummy Kaitlyn appears (where has she been, anyway?) and dismisses Striker. She also tries to convince AJ that this is only for the best because DB is such an asshole, but AJ delivers a Stiff As Fuck slap to her.

AJ is immediately shocked by her own actions. Kaitlyn is pretty shocked too, and eventually backs away without another word. AJ looks on in some regret and sadness, but says and does nothing else as we fade out to the main event.

Segment 16 [Singles Match]: Sheamus defeats Mark Henry by pin. Surprisingly solid match, it was a solid back-and-forth brawl that stayed clean and featured several fun spots, including Henry countering out of Sheamus’s newish signature (the chest slaps on the ropes). It ended with the Blarney Boot.

Post-Segment 16: After the match, DB arrived on the stage and did a golf clap. Sheamus grabbed a mic and invited DB to come to the ring itself, but knew he would be afraid. The fans start chanting “Eighteen seconds!,” and Sheamus followed up that SB actually got off lucky at WrestleMania since the punishment only lasted that long. At Extreme Rules however, Sheamus is going to beat the hell out of DB for as long as it takes, and he won’t be able to hide behind AJ or a ref shirt. So will Sheamus retain the World Heavyweight Title? “Yes! Yes! Yes!”

…Repeat 46 times as I slam my head into the desk each time.

Final Thoughts: WWE was limping into Extreme Rules, I think. The show was inoffensive but they weren’t trying very hard, and there was a lot of filler (hence 16 segments in a two-hour show). It was all really bland, and honestly I don’t have much to say about it that I haven’t already. It all leads up to Extreme Rules on Sunday, and I guess we’ll have our reset after that.

If you’re in the mood for wrestling on Sunday, you might want to check out WWE’s YouTube channel. Apparently we’ve got a United States Title match airing live as the Extreme Rules pre-show at 7:30pm Eastern. It’s really so elegant that I’m surprised WWE hasn’t done it before: YouTube is apparently serving as Sunday Night HeAT did back during the Attitude Era. Even if you don’t buy the pay-per-view, a free title match is a free title match, and I’m sure if this goes over, they’ll start doing it for every PPV. WWE’s official YouTube channel can be found by clicking here.

Okay guys, enjoy your weekend, and I’m sure Rick will have the recap for Extreme Rules at some point on Sunday. I meanwhile will be working my ass off at my day job and will be trying to get shit done next week so I can get to my personal projects. See you on Tuesday for the RAW recap!

Episode Grade: C