by Erin Anderson
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

If you haven't read Matt Hocking's Raw Satire, then you're missing out. Also, this column will make no sense to you if you haven't. This is my attempt to parody a parody… pretty deep, huh?

Author's note: You can quit bugging me now, Matt.

(opening credits)

We are not-quite-live from Anaheim, CA.

Your hosts are Michael Cole and Tazz.

The show opens with Piper's Pit. What, no match to start off with? Holy shit. Sean O'Haire stands around, disturbed by of the lack of wrestling on this show, while Roddy Piper complains that he was never deemed "special" when he was a wrestler. Poor Roddy. He never got to ride the short bus to school, either, which baffles wrestling fans to this very day.

His guest tonight: Zach Gowan! Zach struts down to the ring, looking surprisingly buff and about 30 years older than he was last week… must be those damn steroids all those crazy kids are using nowadays. He seems to have grown a leg as a side effect, too.

Zach challenges Mr. McMahon to a tap-dancing contest next week for a WWE contract. Zach is doomed, as he is unaware of Vince's run as an Irish clog-dancer back in the early '70s. Not Hulk Hogan comes out and cuts a promo about 24-inch Patriots and Americamaniacs, and then takes down O'Haire with a vicious back-rake. O'Haire cries.

(ads)

The Undertaker (Death Valley… er… Houston, Texas, 305 lbs.) v. Chuck Palumbo (w/ Johnny Stamboli and Nunzio)

Undertaker shocks everyone by actually, you know, wrestling to start off. That doesn't get him anywhere, so he big-boots everyone (including the ref and Michael Cole… thanks, man, I've been wanting to see that for years), scaring the bejeezus out of the FBI. They all run away screaming like a bunch of little girls, cowering under the Power of the Boot. Taker wins.

(ads)

Next week: Lesnar v. Big Show for the title! You know, because they blew the roof off the place the last few times they wrestled. This time, it'll be a Casket on a Stretcher in a Flaming Barbed-wire Hell in a Cell match! Oh yeah, and Big Show will job again.

(ads)

Eddie Guerrero and Tajiri v. The Basham Brothers

Eddie and Tajiri cruise down to the ring in style -- a pimped-out '94 Geo Metro. The Bashams put up a good fight, but… aw, who am I kidding? Danny, Doug… welcome to Jobberville.

Winner: the Geo Metro.

Meanwhile, Kurt Angle busts out an acoustic version of "Sweet Child of Mine," to the delight of Stone Cold Steve Austin. You know, with hard work and years of dedication, these two youngsters could really make it in this business.

(ads)

Angle enters the ring to a huge pop. See? What'd I tell you? This guy might have a future here. The Big Show interrupts Kurt's big return, however.

BS: What's up, man? Good to see you!
KA: Go away. For the last time, I'm not gonna give you a rub.
BS: (whining and stomping foot) Why not?

Brock Lesnar comes out to save Kurt, but Show gets distracted by a kid in the front row with a hot dog. Must have forgotten to take his Stacker 2. Big Show chases the kid down the aisle, while Kurt and Brock share a manly hug. Brock holds on just a little too long, so Kurt gives Brock an Angle Slam to preserve his masculinity. Billy Gunn should be back on Smackdown! soon, so they've got that side of things covered without Brock's incessant groping.

(ads)

John Cena v. Chris Benoit

Benoit loses. Man, I haven't seen this much jobbing since Three Minute Warning. Rhyno runs out for a few seconds of sweet, sweet airtime.

Winner: Cena's chain. Wow. Another month of this, and the chain'll be ready for the main event. I'm telling you, that sucker is over.

(ads)

Torrie Wilson and Rikishi v. Nidia and Jamie Noble

Torrie and Nidia start, so I head off to the kitchen to get a beer. Uh… Torrie wins with the Stinkface.

(ads… so the Triple H/Nash feud is going to get even more brutal? Make your own jokes here.)

Josh Matthews interviews Rey-Rey. Rey says "dawg" again, so you know he means business. You know what this interview needs? A little more Kane. Unfortunately, he's not here tonight. Instead, Eddie Guerrero stops by, channeling Ric Flair by nearly giving himself an aneurysm during his promo. Eddie turns red and passes out.

Meanwhile, Vince introduces Stephanie to her new assistant: Sable! Stephanie objects, and Vince accuses her of being jealous of Sable's looks. Yeah, right… the mighty McMahon triple-Ds are far superior to Sable's measly D-cup! Sable does a table dance in the background to prove that she's still relevant to the company. You go, girl!

(ads)

Cruiserweight title match: Matt Hardy (w/ Shannon Moore and Crash) v. Rey Mysterio

Wait a second… this is the main event? Cruiserweights in the main event? I can hear the IWC collectively pinching themselves right now. Shannon and Crash are so excited that they run to the back to tell everyone about it, and miss the rest of the match.

(ads)

Damn, there hasn't been this much focus on the groin in WWE since DX. Matt grounds Mysterio, but Rey has the advantage because this is his hometown… sort of. Also, Rey-Rey has a secret weapon: Jeff Hardy! Jeff runs out and blows a spot, distracting his brother and allowing Rey to get the pin.

Next week: Jeff blows more spots. Sable and Stephanie engage in an epic Battle of the Boobs. Kurt Angle shows his musical diversity by busting out some mad harmonica chops, and Brock and Big Show set the arena on fire -- literally. Despite his best efforts, Big Show still  jobs.

E-MAIL ERIN
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Erin Anderson is an Atlanta native and a student at Georgia State University. Since writing about wrestling didn't go over too well with her English professors, she vents here at Online Onslaught.

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