by Erin Anderson
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

This week I had the pleasure of being called for jury duty, which entailed the following:

1. Getting up at the butt-crack of dawn,
2. Sitting in a room full of other potential jurors, waiting to be considered for a case, and
3. Learning that the case had been settled and being sent home.

This enlightening insight into the efficiency and overall usefulness of our legal system got me to thinking about the laws of WWE (yes, I am enough of a dork that I relate everything to wrestling. As a columnist, I feel it is my duty to do so). After a week of jury duty, I consider myself to be something of an expert on our legal system, and so I became curious: does Vince McMahon give every new wrestler a type of rulebook, explaining how things in sports entertainment work? He should.

I've compiled a set of rules and regulations in WWE for you, the readers, to better understand how the company works. Perhaps now, whenever you feel the need to hurl heavy objects at your television for certain choices made by the booking committee, you can refer back to this column and appreciate WWE's adherence to "the rules."

***

I. Championships and Eligibility

        A. World Heavyweight Championship         
  
           1. This title shall be held exclusively by Hunter Hearst
                  Helmsley.
 
            2. Exceptions to rule IA1 shall be made under the 
                  following circumstances:
                  a) longtime friends of Hunter Hearst Helmsley,
                 b) any person designated as a member of the Clique, or
                  c) the death of Hunter Hearst Helmsley.

                  Title reigns falling under these provisions shall not 
                  exceed one (1) month. Injuries incurred on Helmsley's
                  part shall not result in loss of the title.

            3. This title shall be defended at least once per month,
                  against any of the following opponents:
                  a) longtime friends of Hunter Hearst Helmsley,
                  b) any wrestler who qualifies for the cruiserweight
                       division, or
                  c) an upper midcarder with great popularity, such as
                        Booker T. Matches against this type of opponent
                        shall end either in a disqualification, no contest, or
                        a Helmsley win via interference or cheating.

        B. WWE Championship

            1. This title may be held by any of the following 
                  competitors:               

                  a) Brock Lesnar
                  b) Kurt Angle  

                  One(1)-month title reigns shall be allowed to the Big 
                  Show for variation in the title picture.            

            2. Any challengers for this title may not win.

        C. Intercontinental, U.S., Tag Team, and Cruiserweight
            Championships        

            1. These titles shall be allowed brief moments of perceived
                importance or popularity.

            2. At all other times, these titles shall remain meaningless.  

        D. Women's Championship

            The Women's Title shall always remain meaningless.  

II. Babyfaces and Heels

        A. Babyfaces            

            1. Babyfaces shall not be allowed

                 a) to cheat, unless the babyface is either first
                      provoked by a heel or is named Eddie Guerrero
                 b) to cleanly defeat Triple H. Clean wins over Triple
                      H may only occur in
                        1) a tag team match, or
                        2) a non-title match.       

                        Exceptions shall be made in circumstances outlined
                        in rules IA3(a), IA3(b), and IA3(c).  

        B. Heels

            1. Heels shall be allowed to cheat under any circumstances, 
                 be it by trickery or through the use of foreign objects.
                 Such objects include, but are not limited to:  

                 a) sledgehammers
                 b) steel chairs
                 c) title belts
                 d) trash cans and lids
                 e) 2x4s
                 f) barbed wire
                 g) a combination of (e) and (f)
                 h) forklifts
                 i) zambonis
                 j) steel pipes
                 k) coffee
                 l) fire extinguishers
                 m) street signs
                 n) the ring bell
                 o) brass knuckles
                 p) beer cans or bottles
                 q) tables
                 r) ladders
                 s) prosthetic limbs, or
                 t) bibles.  

            2. Though it is not a requirement, female heels are 
                 encouraged to look as ugly as possible.  

III. Individual Wrestlers: Requirements and Regulations

        A. Ric Flair        

            Ric Flair is required to bleed in all confrontations, be it a 
              match, ringside scuffle, or backstage fight. The amount of
              blood shed shall directly relate to the intensity of the
              feud.

        B. Rob Van Dam  

            Rob Van Dam may not participate in an interview/promo
              without first smoking a significant amount of marijuana.

        C. Divas  

            All divas, except those falling under the "ugly clause"
              outlined in rule IIB2, may not wear outfits covering more               than thirty-five (35) percent of their bodies.  

        D. Kevin Nash

            1. Kevin Nash shall not be allowed on television before first
                 deep-conditioning his hair.
            2. Nash may not approach the ring at any pace faster than
                 that of a leisurely stroll.  

        E. Chris Jericho

            Chris Jericho shall not, under any circumstances, cleanly win
              a wrestling match.

        F. Hulk Hogan/Mr. America  

            Hulk Hogan/Mr. America shall not include any phrases in his
              promos or interviews that were not introduced at least
              fifteen (15) years ago. New catchphrases and/or wrestling
              moves are strictly forbidden. Omission of the word "brother"
              is not allowed.

        G. Chris Benoit  

            Chris Benoit is required to:
            1. display technical mastery in the ring, and
            2. never hold a major singles title.  

        H. Eddie Guerrero

            See "Chris Benoit."  

        I. Vince McMahon

            In the event that Mr. McMahon should develop a "great idea
              for a storyline," the past build-up of any wrestler's 
              character and/or gimmick shall become null and void.

        J. Brock Lesnar  

            Brock Lesnar is allowed to exhibit two (2) facial expressions:
            1. "intense stare," and
            2. "happy grin."  

            Any other personality traits are strictly forbidden.

        K. Bill Goldberg  

            See "Brock Lesnar," with omission of stipulation IIIJ2.  

        L. Jerry Lawler

            Jerry Lawler shall not be allowed to watch a women's
              wrestling match without the inclusion of the word 
              "puppies."

            Repeated use is encouraged.

IV. Internet Wrestling Columnists  

        Internet wrestling columnists shall be allowed to exhibit the
          following traits in their work:

        A. Fanaticism for Chris Benoit, Eddie Guerrero, Kurt Angle,
                Chris Jericho, John Cena, and the cruiserweight division.

        B. Cynicism.

        C. Negativity.

        D. Hatred for Triple H.

        E. Hatred for any McMahon whose first name is not Shane.

        F. Overblown egos.

        G. Advocacy for retiring any wrestler over the age of thirty-five
             (35), except those listed in rule IVA.

        H. Hatred of columnists on other wrestling sites.

        I. References to the author's personal life.

        J. Inane nicknames for the wrestlers. "Cripple H" and "Big Slow"
             are encouraged.

        K. Hatred for any episode of Raw or Smackdown! that does not
             contain "enough" wrestling, regardless of its
             entertainment value.

        Positivity, enjoyment of the WWE product, and "marking out"
          are strictly forbidden.

***  

See? WWE is merely following the rules, as am I.

E-MAIL ERIN
BROWSE THE BROAD'S ARCHIVES

Erin Anderson is an Atlanta native and a student at Georgia State University. Since writing about wrestling didn't go over too well with her English professors, she vents here at Online Onslaught.

All contents are Copyright 1995-2014 by OOWrestling.com.  All rights reserved.
This website is not affiliated with WWE or any other professional wrestling organization.  Privacy Statement.