by Erin Anderson
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

[Author's note: There are a couple of similarities between what I've written and the fantastically funny column that Jeb gave us yesterday. I swear that I wrote this before I read his column.]

Well, I made it back from vacation relatively unscathed, save a few extra pounds from all the beer. I hope everyone had fun and safe Fourth of July.

All right, enough of that crap. I've missed a few weeks of wrestling commentary, and I've a lot of catching up to do. I can't be buggered to write a well-constructed column with a solid thesis and thoughtful insights into the wrestling world; I'm just going to write about whatever the hell pops into my head. I'll start off this mess of a wrestling column with Raw.

The New Kane

I am thoroughly enjoying the direction of Kane's character as of late. God knows he's gotten the short end of the stick when it comes to storylines and character development for quite a while now; at last, it seems as though he's found a role that he can really sink his teeth into. I remember one point last year when Kane did a pretty good Rocky impersonation, to the delight of the fans. Was it funny? Sure. Was it doing anything to help his character? Not really.

We all know how Katie Vick completely destroyed him, but this new, unmasked, ass-kicking Kane seems like the perfect rehabilitation to that train-wreck of a storyline he was given last year. If a wrestler is nearly seven feet tall and over 300 pounds, he needs to destroy people in the ring as often as possible… or out of the ring, like that fantastic murderdeathkill chokeslam that Eric Bischoff ate last week. That's what fans expect out of a guy his size, and I'm hoping that RVD will be his first victim.

Faces, Anyone?

I only see one problem with Kane turning heel and destroying shit on a regular basis: Raw is now a little heel-heavy. Kane couldn't join Evolution; he'd destroy their wheelin' dealin', jet-flyin', kiss-stealin' image. As a heel, he's not a feasible challenger for Triple H's world title. Come to think of it, the only plausible opponent for Triple H is Goldberg (who looks to run a program with Triple H, leading up to Summerslam). Considering that WWE is supposedly disappointed with Goldberg, I don't think we'll see him holding the title anytime soon.

Who does that leave for title contenders? Let's take a look at the options:

• Booker T: Doubtful. He'll be running with the IC title for a while, and probably have the most interesting feuds of the Raw brand along the way. Perhaps a feud with Kane is on its way?
   

• Rob Van Dam: Been there, done that. It didn't work.
   

• Kevin Nash: Currently relegated to mid-card hell.
   

• Scott Steiner: Currently relegated to mid-card hell.
   

• Shawn Michaels: Not wrestling often enough to be the champion for an extended period of time.
   

• Gail Kim: Hell, she won the women's title on her first try, so why not?

Just kidding. But there aren't any good face contenders for title left on Raw. This leaves two options: 

1) Turning a major heel face. The most obvious choice is Chris Jericho, since he's one of the only top-level heels who isn't part of Evolution. He has nowhere to go as a heel on Raw. 

2) Trade a Raw heel -- again, Chris Jericho would work nicely -- with someone from the face-heavy Smackdown! roster. Jericho would have a place as a main-eventer once again, and somebody new could give Triple H a run for his money.

The Women's Division

I've got to give these ladies credit; Gail Kim, Victoria, Trish, and Molly all had some good matches this Monday, and I like the attention being given to the women's division. Lita and Jazz should be back soon, and Ivory's been getting some time in the spotlight lately as well. 

What this division needs to really get going now are some good, involved storylines that do not include the men. With valets like Stacy Keibler and Jackie Gayda, this is all well and good, but I don't think Trish is benefiting any by having Kevin Nash try to defend her honor. Give these ladies a good storyline that doesn't involve something along the lines of "I'm jealous of her looks" or "Molly is fat," and the more casual fans just might start taking them seriously.

Gail Kim has been a rather touchy subject in the IWC: should she have been given the title on her first outing? I say it's a good move, and this is why: week in and week out, she's going to have to fight it out in matches to prove that she deserves the belt. It'll give the women's division some much-needed focus, and chicks going out there every Monday to kick each other's asses will help give the title more legitimacy. Gail herself seems to have the potential to be a real star in the business. She's beautiful, and is willing to throw her body around the ring like there's no tomorrow. I hope that her moveset consists of more than variations of armdrags and hurricanranas, though, or else she'll end up in the same boat as RVD: entertaining, but not quite championship material. Being a highspot machine isn't everything in her line of work. And for God's sake, let the girl cut a promo!

Start Fighting Already!

Chris Benoit and Rhyno just need to go ahead and start kicking each other's asses. Their breakup has been teased for far too long already, and I don't understand how they can be at each other's throats one week and best buddies the next (the booking committee's got some 'splainin' to do). In a match between the two not very long ago, Rhyno was the one acting heelishly, so he'll probably be the one to turn. I really don't care who's the face and who's the heel, as long as I get a 15 minute Rhyno-Benoit matchup sometime soon. I hear they're scheduled for "I Quit" matches at house shows next month. I'm hoping those are warm-ups for Summerslam.

And while I'm thinking about it, I was worried last week when Shaniqua did her "come hither" routine on Benoit, and even more disturbed that he didn't just walk out of the damn ring. The whole matter seems to have been dropped, but I still have a persistent "What the fuck was that?" in the back of my head from that little segment. What the fuck was that, anyway? Was the booking committee planning on an angle in which Shaniqua turns Benoit into her S&M sex slave or something similarly stupid? I wouldn't put it past them.

A List of Things I Can't Wait to See

1. Benoit/Hardy next week. If this match doesn't get at least ten minutes, there is no justice in this world. And on that note, I've got twenty bucks that says this match doesn't pass the six-minute mark.

2. Eddie Guerrero going full-tilt by turning heel, kicking Billy Gunn's ass next week, and taking on Benoit for the U.S. Championship at Vengeance. A plague o'er the house of the booking committee if they don't go through with this.

3. Jericho/HBK in Hol-ly-wood!

4. More episodes of Raw in which Triple H is not present, as he is forced to wrestle Maven on Heat.

5. More promos between John Cena and Kurt Angle. Fantabulous mic work by both men last night. 

6. The inevitable Ultimo Dragon/Rey Mysterio match.

A List of Things that Make Me Want to Vomit

1. Billy Gunn and Torrie Wilson making out on Smackdown! last night.

2. The thought of Billy Gunn winning the U.S. Title.

3. The prospect of a Stephanie McMahon/Sable match at Vengeance.

4. Tazz claiming that the ring steps weigh 400-500 pounds last night during the Brock v. Show/Benjamin/Haas match. I know a certain amount of hyperbole is necessary in calling a match, and I like Tazz, but he deserves to be sodomized by Michael Cole for saying that.

5. The thought of Michael Cole sodomizing Tazz.

6. WWE's decision to show the entire Zack/Stephanie/Big Show match from last week. A few clips are fine, but Christ, are our attention spans that short? Did WWE not have enough action to fill up the whole show? The fact that Eddie/Ultimo Dragon was probably cut short to make more time pisses me off to no end.

7. The Big Show.

Other Random Shit

• Is it just me, or did Ultimo Dragon look scared to walk down the aisle last night for fear of being incinerated by his own pyro?
   

• What the hell is up with Bradshaw's hair? Are we supposed to believe that he's a tough, brawlin', beer-drinkin' Texas redneck when he looks like a Backstreet Boy?
   

• Who did Triple H piss off to get stuck wrestling Maven on Heat, anyway?
   

• I'm waiting for the day when all the veins in Vince McMahon's forehead spontaneously burst. It's only a matter of time.
   

• Whenever I feel like I'm losing my faith in WWE, I just go back and watch the Benoit/Angle match from this year's Royal Rumble. Try it sometime.
   

• A Hulk Hogan/Mr. America-free Smackdown! is a good Smackdown! in my book.
   

• I felt really sorry for Stephanie McMahon's halter top last night. It struggled valiantly to support the weight of the beach balls that she calls implants, but lost the battle in the end. A **** matchup, in my opinion.
   

• At least three defenseless ostriches were sacrificed to decorate the dress that Sable wore last night. And if I may say so, feathers are like, sooo last season.
   

• This column is now officially finished. Enjoy your weekend.

 
E-MAIL ERIN
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Erin Anderson is an Atlanta native and a student at Georgia State University. Since writing about wrestling didn't go over too well with her English professors, she vents here at Online Onslaught.

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