by Erin Anderson
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

But that match also had two extremely vital, yet unsung heroes in the drama of it all: Michael Cole and Tazz.

Say what you want about Michael Cole (and lord knows that Jeb has said it all at some point), but he's the best play-by-play man in WWE right now. Yes, you heard me: Michael Cole has developed into a better play-by-play announcer than good 'ol JR.

We've all been listening to JR for so long that it's difficult to imagine a RAW without him. He is, without a doubt, the signature voice of WWE. Unfortunately, JR seems to be bordering on self-parody at times, and often falls back on his patented "JRisms" when he doesn't have anything to add to a match that he's calling. Not only does he fall back on his signature catchphrases, but he wears them out. Even worse, JR frequently gets bored during any match not featuring Shawn Michaels or a member of Evolution and starts talking about something else that either has happened or is slated to happen later in the show, and gets so wrapped up in doing so that we forget that a match is even taking place.

Michael Cole is easy to make fun of. He's skinny, unattractive, and about as whitebread as a man can be. "Cool" is an attribute that so for has and will continue to elude him for the rest of his days on this earth. But Cole being a scrawny bitch is certainly acceptable, especially after months of being bludgeoned with "Triple… I mean, Goldberg goes for the Jacknife inside this government mule slobberknocker, by gawd!" Hell, after months of that, Coach is starting to sound refreshing.

For example, take the previously mentioned Angle/Taker match from last week. Cole began by reminding us that the match was indeed for the WWE Championship, and he stressed the importance of the title, not only to the company, but to the competitors involved. The instant the bell rang, these words came out of his mouth:

"Tazz, let's start strategy first off, for the Undertaker."

That is just excellent. He instantly defers to his partner, who is far better versed in the psychology of a wrestling match than he, and lets him explain the strategy of one of the wrestlers. A moment later, Cole asks Tazz to explain Angle's mindset for the title bout. Not only that, but Cole remembers this discussion and refers back to it several times later in the match, further telling the story.

That is exactly what Cole and Tazz do best: they let the story of the match unfold and emphasize all the important points as it plays out for the audience. Their main focus, as it should be, is always on what is happening in the ring.

JR, for some strange reason, is unable to do this with Jerry Lawler. I do feel bad for him sometimes, as he's saddled with one of the most cumbersome excuses for a color commentator I could possibly imagine. Lawler, who is best known for his storied career in the wrestling ring, never calls the action in a wrestling match.

Why is that? Why does a former wrestling legend never take the time to describe the action in the ring?

Part of the reason is because Lawler has to broadcast for RAW, a show that isn't known for an outstanding in-ring product. RAW focuses more on the entertainment side of things, and so Lawler has to adjust his style accordingly. But that is absolutely no excuse for constantly shrieking in high-pitched voice about pointless crap that has no relevance to what is happening on our television screens. The King, like JR, almost invariably veers off-topic when calling a match and never returns to it. While it is the announcer's job to remind us of what we'll see later in a wrestling show, harping on it incessantly while two guys (or women) are killing each other in the ring only distracts from the match taking place -- or in some cases, the entire show. HLA, anyone?

And puppies… dear god. Using the word constantly during a bikini contest is one thing, but shrieking "Puppies!" while Trish Stratus, Ivory, Gail Kim, Molly, Victoria, Jazz, or any other female wrestler is trying to have a match only undermines the women involved and almost ensures that women's wrestling will never be taken seriously. Yes, Jerry, they have boobs. Now call the freaking match. More than anything, Jerry Lawler needs a volume knob and a mute button.

Come to think of it, JR isn't much better when it comes to women's matches. Instead of "puppies," his word of choice is "jezebel," and he abuses it just as often as Lawler.

Tazz, on the other hand, never lets the horny teenager inside of him take over his job as a commentator. Yes, he might state that Torrie Wilson is hot, but he leaves it at that and moves on. Tazz and Cole spend more time talking about the in-ring action of a Torrie/Dawn Marie match than JR and the King do for a Hurricane/Val Venis bout.

Perhaps the reason that Lawler can't take his job seriously is that he is so firmly entrenched in a character that won't allow for it. Explaining a wrestler's strategy, describing various holds and putting names to the moves we see, putting wrestlers over as legitimate athletes, describing the pain of a finisher or submission -- all of the things that Tazz does so well -- are impossible for a man like Jerry Lawler. If JR occasionally borders on self-parody, then the King has crossed so far over the line that he's unable to come back from it.

And in doing so, Lawler drags JR down with him. JR often seems genuinely annoyed with the King's grating personality and reverts to one of his trademark clichés: "Just call the damn match!" Preach on, Jim. Preach on.

Shit. What I had hoped would be a relatively positive column in praise of the Smackdown! announce team has degenerated into "Why Jerry Lawler Sucks." And I've even felt the urge to use bullet points and pictures of sex offenders to explain the issue further. I can see it now…

• Figure 1: Rapist.

• Figure 2: Older rapist.

• Figure 3: A Kennedy.

• Figure 4: Leglock. Not a picture. 

But the god-awfulness that is the RAW announce team only makes me appreciate the efforts of Michael Cole and Tazz that much more. Instead of distracting us from the matches, Cole and Tazz supplement them with insightful commentary that helps explain the stories unfolding in the ring, ultimately making for a better viewing experience for the fans.

And so, to Mitchell Cole: you may be an odd-looking scrawny whitebread dork with a penchant for using German-style grammar (damn you, Jeb… I'll never hear him say "the knee of Billy Gunn" again without laughing), but you're doing a hell of a job. Keep up the good work.
  

E-MAIL ERIN
BROWSE THE BROAD'S ARCHIVES

Erin Anderson is an Atlanta native and a student at Georgia State University. Since writing about wrestling didn't go over too well with her English professors, she vents here at Online Onslaught.

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