by Erin Anderson
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

There are two lessons here:

1. Alcohol makes everything better. Write it down, kids.
2. When I don't have a decent column topic, I should just get trashed and see what I can come up with.

Seeing as I don't have a decent column topic, I'm going step away for an hour or two and hit the liquor cabinet. I do mean this in all seriousness, and am not writing this just to be cute or get a cheap laugh by pretending to be drunk. So if you'll excuse me…

.

.

.

.

.

I have returned, with a few beers and some rum in me, as well as a column topic: bullet points of random nonsense! What, you didn't really expect me to come up with a cogent thesis and write 1,200 words on it, did you?

• Earlier this year, a lot of us were holding out hope that Benoit's Royal Rumble win wasn't just a consolation prize for almost two decades or hard work. Now he's holding two - count 'em - TWO title belts, and is consistently getting huge pops. He's made Triple H tap out, and so far has contributed to the three best matches of the year (both Triple Threats, and the Rumble match itself.) Pretty fucking surreal, huh? The way things are going, I expect to win the lottery any day now.
   
  
• But on that same note, it's a little weird now that we smarks don't have an underdog OMG WORKRATE~! wrestler to champion. Eddie's the champ on Smackdown!, and Benoit's got double gold? Benoit gets his own music video package, and Eddie gets a UPN special? I'm thrilled, but at the same time, now I have very little to bitch about (at least since I quit watching wrestling on Thursday nights.) After years of saying, "Benoit needs a push! Benoit should get a decent title reign! Benoit should get quality storylines! Benoit should get more mic time so he can become a better talker! Benoit is part of a wholesome, nutritious, balanced breakfast!" now what do we do? I'm a little thrown here. It's like that feeling you got as a child after you opened all of your presents on Christmas morning: fulfilled, but irrationally depressed.  
   
  
• Now that I'm thinking about it, I remember walking out Hooters after watching Backlash, and some ten year-old boy wasn't too happy about the results of the main event. He told his father, "I hate Benoit." I didn't smack him upside the head like I had wanted to, but would I have been out of line if I did?
   
  
• Eugene is my new hero. I already liked him, but that ridiculously hokey karate chop to Garrison Cade did me in. Eugene became officially awesome at that exact moment, and it only could have been made better if the move had been punctuated by a yell of, "Bee-yotch!"
   
  
• Chris Jericho is entirely too good at selling a leg injury. Every time he fakes out a Lionsault and lands on his feet, he grabs his knee and starts limping in "pain" while I simultaneously have a heart attack. I'd suggest classes at the Shawn Michaels School of Overselling to prevent causing the IWC to piss their collective pants whenever he does that.
   
  
• Goddammit. I took a break to refill my drink and check out the Obtuse Angle, and just found out that Mr. Lund wrote a "mixed bag"-style column as well. Sorry, Jeb; I promise I'm not trying to steal your thunder.
   
  
• This is just a friendly suggestion, but the WWE cameramen probably shouldn't be doing any more close-ups of Lita's jawline.
   
  
• Oh, and Lita? If you want to look like a badass, I'd strongly advise you to not wear pink Capri pants to the ring. It kind of destroys the illusion. Also, watch William Regal in his backstage segments. You see that? That's what's called acting. A-C-T-I-N-G. Look into it.
   
  
• It's true that Randy Orton's promos typically come off as overly rehearsed, but can you imagine what would happen if he walked to the ring with a mic in hand and tried to ad-lib his way through a promo? Actually, I'd kind of like to see that… with Mick Foley, the Rock, and Ric Flair all in the ring at the same time. The sheer embarrassment would make the poor kid leave the business forever.
   
  
• Okay, so I'm being a little harsh on young Randall. I hate to admit it, but he's slowly getting better. I don't quite know how to handle that. It's as if A-train got over-pushed and suddenly started being, you know, pretty good -- you wouldn't know what to think, either. Remember when Coach first started becoming entertaining? We all resisted, but he gradually sucked us in. So that's the highest compliment I can pay Orton right now: he'll start growing on you, much like a fungus would.
   
  
• Christian and Test need to grow out their hair again and have a four-way match against Jericho and Edge. Listening to Jim Ross melt down while he tried to keep all the names of the long-haired blond Canadians straight would be completely worth the cost of a pay-per-view alone.
   
  
• Speaking of pay-per-views, how 'bout that Judgment Day? Yeah, I didn't see it either.
   
  
• Okay, so what's up with this bullshit on American Idol? I like Fantasia and have grown to like Diana, but could the judges have been any more fucking obvious about who they wanted to win? Yes, your favorite ended up with the guaranteed record contract, but I almost felt compelled to actually pick up my phone and vote for Diana after you gave Fantasia (motto: sing "Yeah yeah yeah!" at the end of every song, even if it's a mellow classic like "Summertime") that undeserved tongue-bath on Tuesday night. Asshats.
   
  
• Seeing as I need to redeem myself after admitting to watching American Idol, I wholeheartedly encourage everyone to go see A Perfect Circle in concert.
   
  
• Victoria now reminds me of the girl on the cheerleading squad that would always be stuck in the back of the lineup during dance routines: she can do all the moves correctly, but is a bit of a train wreck when you put them all together.
   
  
• I saw my first TNA pay-per-view a few weeks ago, and finally found out what Vince Russo looks like. Is it just me, or does he bear a striking resemblance to the lead singer of Train?
   
  
• Some new wrestler needs to show up in TNA and claim to have an I.Q. of 144. Raven's reaction would be priceless.
   
  
• When Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler were talking about the new Diva Search this Monday, I seem to recall Lawler saying that they weren't looking for a girl who could wrestle, because WWE already has enough of those. Yo, Jerry? Blow me.
   
  
• On that note, I'd like some feedback: since I started watching wrestling again in 2001, Lawler has yet to truly contribute anything useful on commentary. Has he always been this useless? My Year in Review column is over six months away, but the King is a runaway favorite for my Douchebag of the Year award.
   
  
• If seeing Chris Jericho get a huge ovation for simply standing in the ring this Monday didn't make you smile, then you are not a wrestling fan.
   

And that's all I got. I'm headed on vacation tomorrow, and plan to spend most of it a hell of a lot more drunk than I am now. Enjoy your Memorial Day weekend, and remember this: avoid a DUI and just sleep where you fall.
  

E-MAIL ERIN
BROWSE THE BROAD'S ARCHIVES

Erin Anderson is an Atlanta native and a student at Georgia State University. Since writing about wrestling didn't go over too well with her English professors, she vents here at Online Onslaught.

All contents are Copyright 1995-2014 by OOWrestling.com.  All rights reserved.
This website is not affiliated with WWE or any other professional wrestling organization.  Privacy Statement.