Wrestlemania came around and gave us every smark's wet dream, leaving Eddie and Benoit celebrating in the middle of the ring with their respective title belts. Things looked good. I had nothing to complain about, other than poor Molly being wasted after shaving her frickin' head for the company.

RAW kept up the momentum for a few more months, but Smackdown! quickly deteriorated in the absence of Brock Lesnar and the shafting that was the Draft Lottery. Shitty writing and JBL as champion didn't help much, either (and that isn't a knock on his performances, which have been solid in the ring and stellar on the mic. It was simply too much to ask of the fans to instantly buy him as a main-event superstar; a U.S. Title run for a few months while Booker T kept Eddie busy could have worked wonders.) I stopped watching it completely for several months, and have only caught it intermittently throughout the rest of the year. For that reason, a lot of Smackdown! superstars will be excluded from my awards. I can't praise what I haven't seen. It's not fair, but neither are the SD! writers. The wrestlers on the Thursday night show deserve a hell of a lot better than what they've been given.

For a while in summer and fall, RAW wasn't faring much better. Orton was turned face for reasons I still can't comprehend (sure, he was cheered over Edge at one point, but that had nothing to do with Orton and everything to do with Edge being a very weak babyface.) Sacrificing Benoit to him still baffles me. But RAW ended the year on a strong note, setting up several title challengers, giving the women's title a good feud (not to mention a main-event slot on RAW), and giving us the goodness that is Batista on the mic. RAW is slowly earning back my trust. Here's hoping that they don't shatter it by giving Orton the title on Sunday.

Oh, and I think it's very telling that I had to go back and look at a lot of PPV recaps to remember exactly what happened after Wrestlemania. The first few months of the year were completely unforgettable. The last nine?  Mostly unmemorable. I didn't have this problem last year, when I could pretty much recite the entire cards for all of the PPVs I had seen. It doesn't mean that 2003 was necessarily better than 2004, but there's gotta be some reason that my wrestling memory has seemingly short-circuited this year. Is it me or the product?

And on that note, for anyone who's wondering: yes, I've been drinking. Sure, a few people have accused me of becoming a "drunken bar maid," but rum has been an integral part of the some of the funniest things I've had to say all year. Get used to it.

THE VERY BEST OF 2004

BEST WRESTLER OF THE YEAR: Chris Benoit
1st Runner-Up: Eddie Guerrero
2nd Runner-Up: Triple H

Comments: Ahh. 'Twas a good year after all. Last year I gave Jericho this award for pretty much carrying the Monday night show on his back the whole time, even if he never was a serious title contender. This time, it was a group effort in making RAW a pleasure to watch, but for the first five months of the year, Benoit was at the center of it. Even if he's not your cup of tea, Benoit ruled all at the Royal Rumble and gave us even more Match of the Year contenders at Wrestlemania and Backlash. He was good and confident on the mic all year long, and is now one of the top babyfaces in the company. He held the World and Tag Team Titles at the same time, and he's made both HBK and Triple H tap out (who else can claim that?) And between the ropes, he's the absolute best the company's got. You can't ask for more than that. Benoit, I tip my hat to you, my fellow Atlanta dweller. I couldn't like you more if you suddenly developed a Southern accent after living down here so long. But it'd be awesome (and pretty fuckin' funny, too) if you could.

Eddie's at #2 for the exact same reasons as Benoit. His title win at No Way Out was one of the most emotional and satisfying in recent memory (matched only by his buddy Benoit), and he was his usual killer self on the mic all year long -- well, from what I saw of him, at least. I love you, Eddie, and I'm sorry you've been saddled with JBL for a good portion of the year. You deserve better.

And Triple H had a miracle year in 2004; last year at this time, I was giving him the #1 slot in the "Worst Wrestler" category. It wasn't because he was that bad, but he simply wasn't good enough for the position that he was given. What a difference a year makes. Taking the title off Trips gave RAW the kick in the ass it needed after two years of a monopoly on the belt, and Trips got healthy and completely stepped up his game to show that he deserves the spot that he's in. Having opponents like Benoit and HBK in place of crap like Scott Steiner helped with that. He also made a star out of Shelton Benjamin, who is now completely at home in the IC title picture, and was terrific in his feud with Eugene. As of right now, he's playing his part in Batista's push to perfection. Bravo, Hunter.

BEST TAG TEAM OF THE YEAR: America's Most Wanted
1st Runner-Up: XXX
2nd Runner-Up: Edge & Chris Benoit

This was a tough one, because tag team wrestling has pretty much sucked for the last few years in WWE. So instead I looked to TNA, where tag team wrestling is alive and well, thanks in large part to AMW and XXX. Even if you've never seen TNA, steal a copy of Turning Point if you're able, and you'll understand exactly what I'm talking about.

Edge and Chris Benoit is sort of an unusual choice because they didn't hold the belts for very long, but think about it how much RAW kicked ass in the few months following Wrestlemania. Then think about how often Edge and Benoit were in the main event, usually against some variation of Evolution. It kicked ass. They kicked ass. And so they are my #3.

BEST FEMALE PERFORMER OF THE YEAR: Trish Stratus
1st Runner-Up: Molly Holly
2nd Runner-Up: Lita

Comments: Come on, people. Was there anyone else? Trish ruled this year in the ring, and ruled even more on the mic after her heel turn (sure, I was kinda pissed about it at first because she betrayed my beloved Jericho, but she quickly won me over.) I love her bitchiness, I love her wrestling ability, and the guys apparently like the way she looks in a low-cut top. More power to ya, Trish. All of that aside, you earned this spot simply by pointing out how profoundly stupid Lita's pregnancy/marriage storyline was. Just fabulous.

And Molly... poor, misused Molly. You shave your head for the company, and the thanks you get is being shunted to the role of "heel jobber to Lita"? It sucks, especially when the writers probably promised you the role of "monster heel" and plenty of airtime if you did shave your head. I hate them for that, and I bet you do, too. But your soundness in the ring and willingness to go bald for the sake of a throwaway storyline are awesome, so you're #2. Lita was a tough choice here, and I was almost tempted to put Gail Kim, Submission Expert Extraordinaire on the list instead. I haven't been especially nice to Lita for most of the year, either (one column in particular comes to mind.) But she ran as best as she could with the crap that was handed to her, and now she can lay claim to the belt over a year after returning from her neck injury. And as much as I am loathe to admit it, I can't wait to see what's going to happen between her and her newly face-turned hubby Kane.

BEST FEUD OF THE YEAR: Chris Benoit/Triple H/Shawn Michaels
1st Runner-Up: Mick Foley v. Randy Orton
2nd Runner-Up: Chris Jericho v. Christian

Comments: I couldn't possibly award this to anyone else this year. Sure, we all groaned when Shawn Michaels was thrown into RAW's World Title mix, but in the end he only added to it. And besides, Benoit kicked BOTH of their asses before it was all through. Sweet. They've given us two Match of the Year Candidates, carried RAW in its opening months, and contributed to some of the best free TV matches of the year. It ruled. And it is #1.

The genius of Mick Foley was never more apparent than when he cut promos on Randy Orton. It was a thing of beauty, and got only better for the brief time the Rock joined in on the fun. The promos were awesome, the matches were top-notch, and you know the rest. Quite frankly, I'm already tired of typing all this stuff out, so that's all you're getting out of me on the subject. Rick covered it quite nicely already.

Jericho and Christian get the #3 spot for being so damned dependable all year long. Their feud was white-hot at the beginning of the year, they had a great match at Wrestlemania, and they always bring it on the mic. And as shown on RAW last week, anytime they wrestle, it seems important. I like that.

BEST MATCH OF THE YEAR: Chris Benoit v. Triple H v. Shawn Michaels (Wrestlemania XXII)
1st Runner-Up: XXX v. America's Most Wanted (Cage Match, Turning Point, TNA PPV)
2nd Runner-Up: The Royal Rumble match

Comments: Okay, so I was originally pissed off when the main event of Wrestlemania was made into a triple threat. Good lord, how wrong I was. Not only were we treated to arguably the best WM main event (not to mention the best triple threat match) in history, but Chris Benoit made Triple freakin' H TAP OUT. I watched the show with six or seven other people -- surprise, surprise, they were all guys -- and about midway through, I said, "Holy shit, y'all. Benoit's gonna win." Even then, though, I didn't believe it. I didn't want to dare to hope it. The rational part of me said that there was no way Benoit would ever be allowed to beat Triple H, but the emotional part of me knew that Madison Square Garden would accept no other outcome. When Benoit rolled through with the Crossface to pull Trips away from the ropes, everyone in the room either jumped up (as I did) or leaned forward in their seats, and all of us were screaming at Triple H to tap. When he finally did, we were cheering like idiots and exchanging high-fives. And when Benoit and Guerrero were hugging at the end, one of the guys I was watching with (a big dude with tons of tattoos) said, "If you guys weren't all here, I'd be crying like a baby." And I felt the same way. That is good TV.

The same goes for what XXX and America's Most Wanted were able to do in the six-sided cage at TNA's Turning Point. I almost considered putting it in the #1 spot, but I'll always be a WWE girl, and I wasn't as familiar with the XXX/AMW feud, as storied as it is. But every WWE fan really needs to see this match, just to see what TNA and these two teams are capable of. The match is incredibly intense and bloody, and has nice psychology as well. And holy shit, Elix Skipper pulled off one of the most incredible spots I've ever seen in wrestling, when he walked the top of the cage and hurricanrana'd Storm off the top. For anyone who hasn't seen what this cage looks like, it's not the WWE kind that gives you about a foot of width to walk on; the top is like a chain-link fence, so the move Skipper pulled was like a tightrope act (only the cage shook was very unsteady, which makes the spot even more mind-boggling.) Unbelievable. The only thing I didn't like about this match was that someone had to lose and split up because of it.

The Rumble match is always fun, but WWE pulled out all the stops this year. It had comedy (with the Cat and his butler entering with all their pomp and circumstance, only to be immediately tossed; Nunzio had a funny bit as well), drama (Foley eliminating Orton, Big Show's run, and Benoit's incredible fight), good wrestling in the middle, and booking that for the most part kept only 3-6 wrestlers in the ring at once. It was incredibly exciting and well-done, and you know I'm going to love it when my man Benoit goes in first and walks out last. Excellent stuff.

A very close #4: Orton v. Foley. Thumbtacks and barbed wire to the crotch. In other words, fun all around.

MOST FAVORITE PERFORMER OF THE YEAR: Chris Jericho
1st Runner-Up: Chris Benoit
2nd Runner-Up: Kane

Comments: I don't need to explain myself here, and putting Jericho here should be a big, fat "Duh" to anyone who's ever read my columns and recaps. He's great in the ring and on the mic, and I smile every time he's on my screen. 'Nuff said. Same goes for Benoit.

I almost surprised myself by putting Kane on this list, but he's the one performer on the roster who makes the absolute most out of whatever crap he's been given. Some wrestlers are only as good as what is written for them, but Kane somehow manages to rise above his sub-par material. And let's face it, he's been given crap most of his career. But he's a good big-man wrestler (see his excellent match with Chris Benoit) with a killer character, even when working with the dreck that the writing staff continually hands him. He's awesomely creepy in his promos and plays his gimmick to the hilt, which is the only way to do it when your persona and storylines are based in camp. And I like a little camp with my wrestling.

THE OTHER BEST OF 2004

BEST TECHNICAL WRESTLER: Chris Benoit
1st Runner-Up: Shelton Benjamin
2nd Runner-Up: Kurt Angle

Comments: Again, I say "Duh." Benoit brings the mat-wrestling goodness to every match he's in, and he makes everything look crisp, painful, and believable. Shelton Benjamin doesn't bust out the technical wrestling as much as I would like him to, but when he does, it's always a treat. Remember when he schooled Triple H preceding his upset win this spring? Fabulous stuff. And I haven't seen Angle wrestle very much this year, but he's a frickin' Olympic champion. The man knows his shit, and it would be stupid to not put him on this list.

BEST HIGH FLYER: A.J. Styles
1st Runner-Up: Rey Mysterio
2nd Runner-Up: Paul London

Comments: The best high flyers are the ones that don't scare the audience shitless (Jeff Hardy, I'm lookin' at you.) There's usually some element of fear in cruiserweight spotfests, because you know that at any time, one of the performers could fuck up and leave themselves paralyzed. But you never get that fear when you watch A.J. Styles or Rey Mysterio. They both have an incredible grace and ability to defy gravity, and you never fear for their safety. Wrestling become a different animal with these two. I gave Styles the top spot for no other reason than I saw him wrestle live this year, and he took my breath away a smidge more than Mysterio usually does. That probably has something to do with the fact that I'm far more familiar with Rey and the types of moves that he pulls off, even if he only does certain tricks once in a blue moon. Styles carries an element of surprise for me, which is why he's #1. Paul London has a lot of the same qualities as Styles and Mysterio, but I simply haven't had the chance to see him wrestle enough to put him higher on the list. That dropsault is pretty sweet, though.

BEST BRAWLER/POWER WRESTLER: Triple H
1st Runner-Up: Kane
2nd Runner-Up: Batista

Comments: Triple H may not have the flashiest moveset, but he's made it work this year in tons of good (and great) matches. He has the same gift that the Rock, Austin, and Mick Foley all had: he can make a compelling match out of little more than punching, kicking, and spinebusters. A good opponent helps, but it's a talent that few wrestlers have, and Trips deserves to be recognized for it. Kane is here because he's the best big-man wrestler WWE's got -- Jeb has spoken about it several times before, so check his archives if you'd like a more detailed explanation. And Batista is poised to take over Kane's spot in 2005; he's gotten very solid in the ring, and he makes every punch, every spinebuster, and every powerbomb look like it fucking hurts.

BEST INTERVIEWS: Mick Foley
1st Runner-Up: Chris Jericho
2nd Runner-Up: JBL

Comments: The greatest quality in Mick Foley's promos is his intelligence. He doesn't approach a promo thinking, "Hey, if I say this, I'll sound really smart," *coughRavencough* but it's easy to tell that he's a really sharp guy. And so when Mick Foley, an intelligent and reasonable man, best-selling author, husband and father, and all-around Nice Guy tells you he's going to make you bleed and spells out exactly how he's going to do it, you believe it. And you get chills.

Jericho's on the more fun side of the promo spectrum, now that he's a full-fledged babyface. He's funny and interesting whenever he picks up the mic, and a mastery of the English language not seen this side of Randy Orton is always a plus. And JBL rounds out the list for damn near earning his title run based on his promo work alone.

BEST HEEL: Triple H
1st Runner-Up: John Bradshaw Layfield
2nd Runner-Up: Randy Orton

Comments: Triple H is very easy to hate whether you're a "smart" fan or not. I know nothing of what goes on backstage in WWE, so I'll stay out of all that smark nonsense (for this category, at least.) Trips is the company's top heel, and for good reason: good-to-great promo work, good-to-great ringwork, and a character that makes him the ultimate asshole. How can you not hate a guy who claims he's the greatest in the business today, yet can't beat Benoit and freaks out when one of his own (Randy Orton, Batista) threatens to steal his thunder a little bit? JBL essentially has the same kind of character: all talk, chickenshit in action. But Triple H brings an in-ring legitimacy to back up his assholish boasting that JBL does not. Granted, that's not the point of JBL's character -- he's playing a deluded, undeserving champion, and that's always easy to boo. Orton gets the #3 spot for being great at acting like a smarmy prick. It's a damn shame that no one told him to drop that act once he turned face.

BEST BABYFACE: Eddie Guerrero
1st Runner-Up: Chris Jericho
2nd Runner-Up: John Cena

Comments: I approached this award asking myself, "Which wrestlers are the most likable?" Eddie immediately came to mind. He's got a great story, a great character, is a great wrestler, and is incredibly charming. You can't NOT like the guy. This is also to make up for not including him on the list for "Best Technical Wrestler" AND "Best High Flyer," on both of which he was my #4. Jericho is here for the same reasons. John Cena rounds out the list not because I think he's an exceptional babyface, but because the live crowds do. I think he's stalled out in his ring work and his promos have gone down the toilet (literally), but you can't ignore the pops he gets whenever he walks down the ramp or picks up the mic.

BEST CHARACTER/GIMMICK: Eugene
1st Runner-Up: JBL
2nd Runner-Up: Batista, Voice of Reason

Comments: It's a credit to Nick Dinsmore that he was able to take a character so outlandish and make it work as well as he did. His performances are always spot-on, and he's a good enough wrestler to pull off his "wrestling savant" gimmick between the ropes as well. It could have been a disaster, but instead became one of the best reasons to watch RAW. "Evil Republican Jackoff" is a character that will even piss off Republicans, and JBL certainly nailed it. And I had to put Batista in here because his current gimmick is that he doesn't have a gimmick, and it's working beautifully. He's normal and reasonable, and the fans have quickly latched onto that. He's likable and interesting because he's saying exactly what WE would want to say, were we in his place. It's genius in its simplicity.

MOST IMPROVED WRESTLER: Batista
1st Runner-Up: Randy Orton
2nd Runner-Up: Gail Kim

Comments: Batista hasn't exactly become Chris Benoit in the last year, but he's improved by leaps and bounds in the ring. More importantly, he's displayed his ability to talk, and become one of the most interesting wrestlers on RAW in the process. I've grudgingly put Randy Orton here because he has gotten better, both in the ring and on the mic. He's just not gotten to the point where he's good enough for the spot he's in. It's not his fault. And Gail Kim, before she was released, stopped blowing spots and decided to become Dean Malenko. And that was just fine with me.

MOST UNDERRATED WRESTLER: Kane
1st Runner-Up: Christian
2nd Runner-Up: Undertaker

Comments: Kane really got on my good side this year. I've already explained this, but he's done so much with the absolute crap he's been given, and somehow managed to turn himself face in the process. That's talent, people. Christian is always a joy to watch, but is rarely given anything interesting to do. He's got the chops on the mic and in the ring, but isn't given nearly enough of a chance to show it. Same goes for the Undertaker. Most of the IWC hates the guy, but he's awesome when given the right material to work with.

BEST SECOND: Ric Flair
1st Runner-Up: Paul Heyman
2nd Runner-Up: William Regal

Comments: We've seen Flair go nuts at ringside a million times before, but it never gets old: throwing off the jacket, ranting whenever the babyface gets the upper hand, letting himself gets knocked off the apron... he's tons of fun, and instantly adds heat to any match. Paul Heyman wasn't given much to do this year, but he tackled the task of making Heidenreich believable and almost succeeded. And William Regal was almost as integral to That Dear Boy Eugene's success as Eugene himself.

BEST TELEVISION PERSONALITY: Tazz
1st Runner-Up: Jim Ross
2nd Runner-Up: Jonathan Coachman

Comments: This is what I said about Tazz last year: "He's funny without ever being over-the-top, and he always makes a point to explain the psychology of a wrestling match and the various strategies used by the wrestlers involved. In doing so, he makes a decent match look good, and a good match look great." That still applies, now that he's mostly abandoned that ill-conceived heel turn from the beginning of 2004. Jim Ross is #2 because of his ability to make any match seem big and important: a main event just wouldn't be the same without him. And Coach, whipping boy that he is, never fails to amuse me.

"HOLY SHIT" MOMENT OF THE YEAR: Elix Skipper's Rana Off the Steel Cage
1st Runner-Up: Benoit and Eddie at Wrestlemania XX
2nd Runner-Up: (tie) Randy Orton, Human Pincushion
                        Shelton Benjamin pins Triple H

Comments: I didn't see Turning Point live, so I knew that the move was coming when I watched the tape. It didn't matter. Nothing else made my jaw drop farther to the floor in 2004. It was that amazing. Just get a tape of the match if you haven't seen it already, people. I can't stress this enough.

In late 2003, could we have ever imagined the sight that awaited us at the end of the next Wrestlemania? At the time, Eddie was spraying the Big Show with poop, and Benoit was trying to recover from a feud with A-train. We could scarcely have hoped for one of them to win the title, much less both of them. Seeing the two of them hug at the end of WM is still my favorite wrestling moment of the year. Randy Orton also makes this list, for taking one of the most cringe-inducing bumps in recent memory. OUCH. That took balls... at least, what was left of them after Foley pummeled them with a barbed-wire baseball bat. And I couldn't in good conscience leave off Shelton Benjamin's terrific match and win over Triple H. That was honestly one of the most shocking things I have ever seen in wrestling. Very few people get the chance to pin Trips clean in a singles match, and to see this rookie be able to do it? Holy Shit, indeed.

FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE YEAR: The Rock and Ric Flair Going Nuts at Wrestlemania XX
1st Runner-Up: Eugene and Regal's Training Montage
2nd Runner-Up: Vince, Trish, and Shelton Benjamin Spoof Monday Night Football

Comments: The Rock and Ric Flair mocking each other during the Rock n' Sock v. Evolution tag match had me in stitches. Judging by the crowd reaction, I wasn't the only one laughing. Seriously, that was some of the funniest shit I've seen in a long, long time. Rocky doing Flair's strut? Flair trying the People's Elbow? Comedy gold. I mentioned earlier that I like a little camp with my wrestling, and Eugene and Regal gave me just that during their training montage. "Ride of the Valkyries" playing in the background just killed me. And who can forget Vince, Trish, and Shelton spoofing the Monday Night Football skit? It was so good, I actually picked up a phone and called a friend the second it was over to laugh about it.

BEST WRESTLING SHOW: WWE RAW
1st Runner-Up: WWE Smackdown!
2nd Runner-Up: TNA Impact

Comments: This is another one of the big fat "Duh"s on this list. RAW did it better, and did it better more often than its Thursday night counterpart. And it sucks for Smackdown!, because they were really hamstrung by a weak roster this year. Impact takes the #3 slot by default, because I'll be honest: I almost never watch it.

BEST MAJOR EVENT: Wrestlemania XX
1st Runner-Up: Royal Rumble
2nd Runner-Up: Backlash

Comments: Wrestlemania had the killer Triple Threat, Eddie v. Kurt, Jericho v. Christian, Foley/Rock v. Evolution, Trish's heel turn, Molly shaving her head, the Hall of Famers, and the return of the Deadman. I couldn't possibly give this award to any other show. The Rumble was pretty much a one-match show, but that one match lasted for over a third of the PPV, and it was a damn fine match to boot. Backlash gets the #3 spot for having almost as good of a main event as 'Mania and an awesomely bloody Orton/Foley brawl.

BREAK-OUT PERFORMER OF THE YEAR: Edge
1st Runner-Up: JBL
2nd Runner-Up: Shelton Benjamin

Comments: Edge started off the year on a bad note, injuring himself twice, having to wrestle Kane on his first PPV match back since his injury, and got booed in favor of Randy frickin' Orton. Thankfully, he was turned heel, and instantly put himself into the World Title scene. He's finally healthy and has hit his stride as a character, and I'm fairly certain he'll get his hands on the belt sometime soon. The much-maligned JBL gets the runner-up spot, and deservedly so. I mean, he was formerly a member of an inconsequential tag team, and then suddenly changes his character into something easily hate-able and wins the title? Yep, he belongs here. And Shelton Benjamin got the chance to step it up as a singles star, beat Triple H on several occasions, and is now the IC champ.

BREAK-OUT PERFORMER OF NEXT YEAR: Batista
1st Runner-Up: Christian
2nd Runner-Up: Mohammad Hassan

Comments: Had Batista begun his Logical Reasoning Theatre any earlier, he'd be a shoo-in for the Breakout Performer of This Year. Instead, he gets the nod here. He's improved both in the ring and on the mic, and the fans are really latching onto that. WWE seems to on board with his push, and I'm definitely looking forward to what's in store for Batista in 2005. If he wins the World Title, I won't be surprised at all. Christian is sort of my "wishful thinking" vote, because he's just so damn good at what he does, and all it'll take for him to graduate to the role Jericho had as a heel in RAW will be a little faith from the top brass. And like him or not, Mohammad Hassan ain't going anywhere, and should be on this list.

BEST "REAL WORLD" NEWS OF THE YEAR: Chris Benoit and Eddie Guerrero, World Champions
1st Runner-Up: TNA Gets TV Deal
2nd Runner-Up: WWE Makes Use of its Killer Video Library

Comments: For a while in 2004, WWE seemed determined to convince fans that no, they don't have a big man fetish and will reward all-out busting ass in the ring. At Wrestlemania, they succeeded, and the product was incredibly exciting for the months following. It was incredibly refreshing to see title reigns without Triple H, Kurt Angle, or Brock Lesnar at the center of them. TNA getting a TV deal is a step in the right direction, even if it's only for an hour and in a shitty timeslot. Competition is always a good thing. And who here hasn't bought at least one of the DVDs WWE released this past year? We got collections on the Monday Night Wars, Ric Flair, Chris Benoit, and Eddie Guerrero, to name a few.

THE bOOby PRIZES

WORST WRESTLER(S) OF THE YEAR: Heidenreich
1st Runner-Up: Randy Orton
2nd Runner-Up: Tyson Tomko

Comments: Last year, I had Heidenreich at #3 on this list. This year, he jumps to the top for bringing his suck to an even larger stage on Smackdown! If Paul Heyman can't fix it, then it's time to fire your ass. Seriously.

And Randy Orton is here not because he's the second-worst wrestler in the company; he's actually pretty good. But he's not cut out to be a babyface, much less RAW's top babyface. He's here for the same reason Triple H was last year: he's not good enough for the position that he's in. I've figured out what's wrong with him: he's only as good as the material he's working with. I was rummaging through some old tapes and found his incredible promo against Ric Flair, and I realized that the material is what made him so good there. He had something good to work with, and thus knocked it out of the park. When the writers hand him "Destiny," the results aren't as awesome. Again, I'll say this: it's not Randy's fault, but he doesn't yet have the ability to make crappy material interesting. And Tomko rounds out the list for being a giant heap of nothing with ugly tattoos. Does he even serve a purpose? No? Thought so.

WORST NON-WRESTLER OF THE YEAR: Jerry Lawler
1st Runner-Up: (tie) The Diva Search Losers
2nd Runner-Up: Maria the Mic Stand, Because She Deserves to Be Mentioned Again

Comments: Words cannot express my hatred for Jerry Lawler, but I'm going to try anyway. Jerry, you fucking suck. You are shrill and annoying, and you haven't been funny since... ever. Your refusal to shut up and call a goddamned women's match is a huge reason why the women who are out there busting their asses every week (several of whom are more technically sound than you EVER were) have to sit through "We Want Puppies!" chants. You contribute nothing to any match that you call; in fact, you usually make them worse and drag down the fabulous Jim Ross in the process. I hate you with the fire of a thousand burning suns, and I pray every night as I go to sleep that you become stricken with a case of permanent laryngitis and get the hell off my television. Shut. Up.

The Diva Search Losers are the most useless bags of silicone I have ever seen. They have no place on a wrestling program, and I can't remember any of their names because they are boring, can't act, and have no characters. Even if they weren't, could, and did, they still don't belong in WWE. Most of all Maria, whose complete inability to speak English fluently makes her position as an interviewer even more baffling. Why, WWE? Why?

WORST FEUD OF THE YEAR: Undertaker v. Anyone
1st Runner-Up: Kane v. Matt Hardy
2nd Runner-Up: Lita v. Fidelity

Comments: The Undertaker, unlike Randy Orton, does have the ability to make subpar material interesting. But he was given worse than subpar material this year, and there are only so many ways you can polish a turd. Burying Paul Bearer? Voodoo T? JBL? Heidenreich? Sorry, but your feuds are all going to suck when you're handed crap of that caliber. And Kane v. Matt Hardy is too painful of a memory to bring up myself, so I'll just let you think about everything that happened in that feud for a moment. Remember? Yeah, it sucked. Which leads to my #3. Yep.

MOST OVERRATED WRESTLER: Randy Orton
1st Runner-Up: John Cena
2nd Runner-Up: JBL

Comments: I've already said everything there is to say about Orton. Ditto for Cena (if you're really interested, check my archives. I wrote a column about it.) Ditto for JBL. I'll shut up about it rather than repeating myself.

"GODDAMMIT" MOMENT OF THE YEAR: Orton's Face Turn and Title Win
1st Runner-Up: Women's Roster Gutted, Diva Search Losers Hired Instead
2nd Runner-Up: Lita's Pregnancy

Comments: Orton again? Sigh. I can't help it if the writers don't know how to work with this kid. He shouldn't have been turned face because he got a few cheers (not because of what he did, but because Edge was a really weak babyface.) And he damn sure shouldn't have taken the title off of Benoit when Triple H and Shawn Michaels failed. It's not a matter of elevating talent, either, because he wasn't ready to be elevated to that level. It's as simple as that.

My heart sank every time I read about yet another female wrestler being fired. Right now, the women's division consists of four competitors, only two of whom are taken seriously. So I'm using "division" in the loosest sense of the term. Right now, Diva Search Losers, who serve no useful purpose, outnumber the wrestling ladies. And that is wrong on so many levels. WWE wants hot women on their roster? Shit, they already had them! And they could actually wrestle! The success of the Lita/Trish feud is even more infuriating in the wake of all this. Sure, they kicked ass in the main event of RAW, but they have nothing else to do now. And I've said enough about Lita's pregnancy already.

WORST "REAL WORLD" NEWS OF THE YEAR: Brock Lesnar Leaves
1st Runner-Up: The Diva Search
2nd Runner-Up: Smackdown! Screwed Over in Draft Lottery

Comments: I am quite positive that Smackdown! would have sucked a whole lot less this year, had they been able to keep Lesnar. That's all they really needed: just one or two main-event superstars, and the show would have been immeasurably better. I thought that the Draft Lottery would take care of that, but instead all it did was stack up the RAW side of things. It's nice for my Monday nights, but it's also the reason that Smackdown! has been getting 2.8 Nielsen ratings.

And I've already ranted over the Diva Search enough. It was ill-conceived, horribly executed, and an all-around bad idea in the first place. So what does WWE do? Hire all of them. Oh joy.

And that's how I'll remember 2004: so good at times that it almost made me cry, and so bad at times that... well, it almost made me cry. I don't understand how a company that gave us the joyous final hour of Wrestlemania XX is also capable of getting Lita pregnant by Kane. Seriously, WWE. Get some Prozac and call me in a year.