by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

"Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
hahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahaahahahahahahaahahaha
hahahaahahahahahahaahahahahahahaahahahahahahaahahahahaha
haahahahahahahaahahahahahahaahahahahahahaahahahahahahaaha
hahahahahaahahahahahahaahahahahahahaahahahahahahaahahaha
hahahaahahahahahahaahahahahahahaahahahahahahaahahahahaha
haahahahaha……Ahahaahahahahahahaahahahahahahaahahahahaha
haahahahahahahaahahahahahahaahahahahahahaahahahahahahaa
hahahahahahaahahahahahahaahahahahahahaahahahahahahaahaha
hahahahaahahahahahahaahahahahahaha!!!!!!!" 
           - Millionaire Man Teddy Biase, 1987.

I'm Canadian Bulldog and welcome to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED edition of Inside The Ropes. Before we kick things off, a big ITR `Mazel Tov' goes out to longtime readers Ryan and Liz on their recent engagement. Here's hoping your life together is just as successful as the other power couples in wrestling: Triple HHH and Stephoney MacMahon; Macho Man and Elizabeth (except for the divorcing and dying parts); Uncle Elmer and Some Woman; and X-Pax and China. And now, it's time for one of my patented trivia questions:

Who is the only man to have held the world title in all of the `big 3' promotions?

(a) Christopher Lewinski
(b) Lex Lugar
(c) Sand Man
(d) Chris Benwah
(e) All of the above
(f) Some of the above
(g) Most of the above

Answer at the end of this column!!!

Well, folks, it's finally happened. World Wrestling Federation Entertainment Corp. has delivered a feud that yours truly will plunk down good money to see. It's a match that's long overdue -- and they're going to finally "lock up". There's a detailed back-story for why the bout should happen, and the two rivals have a legitimate reason for disliking each other.

We saw a glimpse of what the two of them could do at the last PPV, but this time round, it's going to be the real deal. And instead of giving it away for free on television, they're saving it for pay-per-view.

So when the WWE presents Unforgotten next week, I will be on pins and needles waiting for Coach John Goodman to face Good Ol' JR Ewing. One on one. Finally!!!

Here's a little tip from The Bulldog: This new AWA-TNA wrestling program features the best wrestling you've never seen! From their red-hot Ex-Division to tag teams such as America's Most Wanted Home Videos to their champion B.J. Styles, this is one upcoming indy promotion you won't want to miss!!!

I'm counting the hours down until Rocky Maivia's new movie, The Runaway, hits theaters everywhere. With a stellar cast that includes Stifler, Christopher Walkon and Sean Connery, sources say the film is a sequel to Rocky's successful 2002 flick, 2 Cold Scorpion King.

Folks, you heard it here first: The Rick will one day become a famous movie star. And we're not just talking `Stuart Stone Magic School Bus' famous. "The Greatest One" is just about ready to lay The People's Eyebrow on all of Hollywood. Figuratively speaking, of course.

Food for thought: If Hardcore Champion Maven was Jewish and a became an expert on himself, would he be called The Maven Maven? Discuss amongst yourselves.

Holla… If Ya Need Me!!! The fastest rising star on Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw these days HAS to be Big Daddy Pump Scott Steiner. With a physique that shows someone has been hitting the gym lately and the natural charisma to match, this youngster from Maryland has nowhere to go but up!!!

Well, how about this: Last week, my top-secret source [email protected] sent me the EXCLUSIVE results of a Japan-only pay-per-view. And now, he's done it again! Totalbs has told me that over the holiday weekend, WWE held a Europe-only PPV called Market Correxxion. Folks, no one else can get this kind of information for you. Wade Kellerman doesn't have it. Rick Scherer doesn't have it (well, technically he does because this is his website). Bob Raider couldn't get this kind of information if he tried!!! Oh, and The Internet's Greatest Treasure, Scott "Toby" Keith couldn't get this either. Dud!!!

So without further ado, here are the EXCLUSIVE results of Market Correxxion:

• H2K Shane Michaels beat Randy Macho Man Orton by submission when Vince MacMahon told the referee Earl "Don't Confuse Me With The Other Hebner" Hebner to ring the bell.
• Under Taker lost to John Ceno via pinfall. What happened was, Ceno's twin brother was hiding under the ring and when The Dead Guy went to cover him, John surprised him with an Angle Slam for the win!!!
• The Christian beat Sucker T in a special Halftime Heat match, pinning him in an empty arena using a forklift!!!
• Ron Van Damme beat The Stupid Big Red Machine Kain in a Hell of the Cell match, after Kain was thrown off the top of the cell, and then came back and was CHOKESLAMMED through the top of the cage!!!
• Stoned Cold Steve Austin beat Double Jeff Jarrod via a shoot match. What happened was, Vince MacMahon told Jarrod to lay down for Austin, so he did, and then Jarrod left. Then Austin said "This is (bullcrap). This is why this company's in the shape it's in." After Austin left, McMahon cut a long promo and said that Austin invoked his Creative Control clause, and that Jarrod would fight Sucker T later in the night for the REAL belt to give the fans the match they really want!!!
• In the main event of the evening, Goldenberg beat Triple HHH to capture the World title!!! But that was short lived, because then The Rookie Monster Rhino Richards came in and challenged Goldenberg to an impromptu match!!! Then Rhino won the title and HE was challenged by RDV!!! Then Mr. Sunday Night won the title and HE was challenged by Gerry Lynn, who in turn won the title. And it was the best match EVER!!!

Until next time, if you heard it here first, it's Inside The Ropes!!!

E-MAIL THE BULLDOG    
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CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.

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