OO Column: Inside the Ropes (Pro Wrestling News, Analysis, and Commentary... WWE, WWF, WCW, ECW, The Rock, Brock Lesnar, Triple H, Rob Van Dam, Hulk Hogan, Undertaker, Trish Stratus, Lita, Stacy Keibler, Divas, RAW, SmackDown, WrestleMania, SummerS

INSIDE THE ROPES
JAM-PACKED and EXCLUSIVE!
It's the Nonforgiven PPV Preview!
September 18, 2003

by the Canadian Bulldog
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

"Devon… get the fucking table!!!"
- Bubba Rogers Dudley, numerous occasions.

Hello, everyone, and welcome to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm Canadian Bulldog, and we've got lots of stuff to get to so there will be NO patented trivia question this week. Plus, I can't think of one. So on to the news:

Is there trouble in paradise for wrestling's hottest couple? According to People Magazine, Triple HHH dumped Stephoney MacMcMahon shortly before the wedding was supposed to take place!!! Steph allegedly spent the weekend in Miami, while Hunter hung out with his best friend Matt Damon and the rest of Revolution.

Folks, we're just twelve days away from WWE's latest pay-per-view spectacular, Unforgotten!!! I think it's safe to say that this is shaping up to be the best PPV EVER!!! Here's a quick rundown of the big show (the event, that is, not the grappler):

Main event -- Triple HHH and Ricky Flare v. Goldenberg and Randy Orson: Look for 'Da Man' to finally come out on top of this one, and silence all the critics that say he's holding HHHHHH down.

Kain v. Shain (Love Her or Leave Her Match): Even though Shane O. Mac is a game competitor, I expect The Big Stupid Red Machine to come out on top of this ***** classic!!!

Good Ol' JR Ewing and Jerry The King Lawyer v. Coach John Goodman and Lord Alfred Hayes (Intergender Match): It's a battle of the TV commentators and folks, it doesn't get any better than this!!! Look for the team of to come out on top!!!

Six-Way Tables, Ladders and Desks Match: Dudley Brotherz and Spike TV Dudley v. Los Resistance and Army Man: I'm marking down the three brothers-in-law to win this one, but once the tables enter the fray, who can say for sure?

Marvelous Moolah and May Young v. Queen Victoria and Randy Orson: This match hasn't officially been signed, but it's just a formality at this point. Look for the Grumpy Old Women to get the `W'!!!

YJ Stinger Chuck Jericho v. The Christian v. Ron Van-Damme (International Title Match): Look for R-D-V to retain his belt in this one, though it should be close.

Heartburn Kid Shawn McMichaels vs The Legendary Randy Orson: I can hardly wait for this one!!!

Also appearing on the power-packed card, probably on HeAt: Either Hurricane Helmsley, SHIT Rosie, Lance Von Storm or Goal Dust to take on either Rodney Max, Lord Steven Richards, The World's Most Dangerous man Max Henry or Tommy Dreamer

Recently, I had the chance to catch up with Five-Time, Five-Time, Five-Time, Five-Time, Five-Time, Five-Time, Five-Time, Five-Time WCW World Champion Booker T. What follows is the COMPLETE, EXCLUSIVE, UNEDITED, JAM-PACKED transcript. You may not reprint this transcript unless you run some sort of Internet web site:

CB: Is this Booker T?
BT: Well, yeah. Some people call me that, but…
CB: Can you dig it…
BT: … but I prefer to go by …
CB: SUCKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
BT: Now who is this?
CB: Canadian Bulldog. I'm only your biggest fan!!! Did you get all my letters?
BT: Your letters?
CB: Excellent. Now, let's get on with this interview. Question number one: How did you invent the Spin-a-roonie?
BT: What's that? You're looking for Lynn O'Rooney? She's in human resources…
CB: No, no, no. I'm looking for you - Booker T.
BT: Booker T. JONES?
CB: Your last name is Jones? Wow, ladies and gentlemen, what an exclusive. Booker's last name is JONES!!!
BT: Who the hell are you talking to?
CB: That's not important. Question number two: Are you REALLY brothers with Stevie Ray Vaughan? Or were you two just `put together' when The Old WCW created The Harlem Headbangers?
BT: Uh…
CB: Because you'd figure his last name would be Jones as well. Anyways.. question number three: when will you be returning from your back injury?
BT: MY BACK IS NOT INJURED!!!
CB: I know, I know. Denial is usually the first phase of any major injury.
BT: No, you don't understand… my back is fine.
CB: Sure, sure it is. I believe you (I don't really, I'm just saying that for the benefit of Mr. Delusional over here).
BT: You know… I can hear what you're saying in brackets!
CB: This interview is OVER!!!

From stars of yesteryear like Akio Sato, Tiger Chung Lee and Great Mewta, to today's superstars like Ultimate Dragon, Show Funaki and Takajiri, the nation of Japan seems to produce some of the world's best grapplers! So here's a crazy idea from the Bulldog: someone in that country should start their VERY OWN wrestling promotion, featuring a roster of mostly Japanese wrestlers! It may take the fans there a while to get used to the concept, but trust me: the idea could fly!!!

Had some fun on the old Instant Messenger recently:

CANADIAN_BULLDO: U R A JERK!!!
CANADIAN_BULLDO: AND.. U DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT!!!
CANADIAN_BULLDO: I AM YOUR BIGGEST FAN!!!
CANADIAN_BULLDO: …. NOT!!!
CANADIAN_BULLDO: LOL
CANADIAN_BULLDO: R U EVEN LISTENING TO ME. OR R U STUPID?
CANADIAN_BULLDO: CHICKEN! BOCK BOCK BOCK!!!

Hyatte1com signed off at 18:04 p.m.

A few weeks ago, I ran my first `Where are they now?' and the response was overwhelming, that I had to try it again. Here's my second installment:

Wrestler Best Known For Currently

S.D. 'Express Overnight Delivery' Jones Wearing Loud Hawaiian Shirts Retired (or deceased)

Rufus R. Jones Not Much Indy Scene

Nathan Jones Killing People in Prison Rehabbing Injury

Bad News Jones Harlem Street Fighter Running Florida Bait and Tackle Shop

Booker T Jones Harlem Street Fighter See earlier JAM-PACKED interview

Howard Jones "New Song"; "Things Can Only Get Better" NWA-TNA

Tommy Dreamer E-C-Dub Turning Heel

Bruno Santamartina Cranky Old Man Gimmick Still Cranky

Dustey Roads Polka-Dot Underwear No Idea. Readers?

Stuart Stone Hollywood Superstar Spilling Coffee All Over Himself

Q: Can you tell me the lyrics for Shane McMahon's theme song?
A: Sure.

Here comes the money (here we go) Here comes the money Money money money money money money money money money Money money money money money money money money money Money money money money money money money money money Money money money money money money money money money Money money money money money money money money money (Repeat chorus till fade)

Q: Dear Friend, I am Mrs. Amina Mohammed, cousin and Personal Assistant to former Nigeria Head of State, Late General Sanni Abacha who died on the 8th July 1998 while in power. Please read the following carefully. Sometime in early 1997, my boss late Gen. Sanni Abacha entrusted to me the sum of US$20.5M in cash due to the trust and confidence he had in me. This money was meant for campaign in his self-succession id but unfortunately he suddenly died before actualization of his aspiration. This amount of $20.5M in CASH was deposited with a security company which I will disclose in subsequent mail in a giant trunk box as diplomatic consignments In agreement with Mr.Mohammed Abacha who is the son of late General Abacha and the heir to the money. I write to solicit your assistance for the money to be transferred to your custody. Now based on the business trust I have on you, I would want you to come forward and receive this consignment containing the money in cash on our behalf from the security company for subsequent disbursement between you and us. Understand that we are soliciting your assistance because the present Nigerian Government is seizing/freezing any Bank Account or valuables belonging to the late Head of state's family and relatives. In fact we do not have enough money now to sustain our family so, I will appreciate if you can consider our plight and assist us. For your assistance, we have agreed to compensate you with 20% of the total amount ($20.5M) while the remaining 80% is for us. We hope to invest part of our share in your country on viable area of investment as you may advise us. If you are interested you will need to visit the Security Company for clearance of the consignment. Please I implore you to keep this transaction absolutely secret against negative exposure.
A: Can I just say… WOW!?! Out of anyone you could have chosen to help you with your plight, you looked to the old Bulldog!!! Well OF COURSE I'll help you out - especially because of the low-risk investment involved. My credit card and social security information is ON ITS WAY!!!

Q:What the words to the Million Dollar Man's entrance theme?
A:

Money money money money money (hahahahahahahaha) Money money money money money Money money money money money (hahahahahahahaha) Money money money money money Money money money money money (hahahahahahahaha) Money money money money money Money money money money money (hahahahahahahaha) Money money money money money Money money money money money (hahahahahahahaha) (Repeat chorus till fade)

Q: Isn't that the same lyrics as Pink Floyd's 'Money'?
A: Yes.

That about does it for this week. If you have any questions, comments, suggestions, snotty remarks, or new ways to point out that I'm copying Hot Newz, don't hesitate to contact me at [email protected]. And remember, if you heard it first, it's … INSIDE THE ROPES!!!

E-MAIL THE BULLDOG
BROWSE THE ITR ARCHIVES

CANADIAN BULLDOG is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH. He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.