by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

"I'm back. And better than ever." 
      - Eric Bischov, numerous occasions.

Hello, everyone, welcome to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED edition of Inside The Ropes. My name is Canadian Bulldog and we have lots to get to this week.

Why is there lots to get to? Because I was on vacation last week and have tons to catch up on, including the angle where Los Guerreras sprayed Best Show with mud.

Why was I on vacation? Because I needed a break, quite frankly, from you readers, who hang on my every word and wait on MY column before making an Educated Decision about `the squared circle.' Let me tell you, it's quite a responsibility.

Why is it such a responsibility? Ehhh… no time to get into that right now. Roll the open letter:

An open letter to Stacey Keebler:

Hello, Stacey. How are you? My name is Canadian Bulldog. You've probably seen some of my racy photos on the Internet before.

The reason I'm writing you today is because you shouldn't have to take this CRAP (Note to webmaster Rick Scherer: can we say `crap' on this website? Besides, of course, when Matt Horking refers to Smack! Down?) for any longer!!!

This past week on Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw, you were senselessly attacked by Scotty Too Steiner because he lost his shot at the tag team titles. Well, I say… TOO BAD FOR HIM!!! He should have known better than to give you a stone cold stunner just because he's an angry JERK!!!

And speaking of which… what did The Memphis Rattlesnake do? He just sat there, laughing away at your misfortune and chugging down beers!!! Some WWE Commissioner you are, Stoned Cold.

Stacy, it's high time you got out of this sport that treats you like a piece of meat (Note to webmaster Rick Scherer: Can I say 'piece of meat' on the website?). You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. While you're no Missy Hyatte in the looks department, you certainly aren't that ugly.

Leave World Wrestling Federtainment Corp. RIGHT NOW - and settle down with a nice Jewish boy like me. Just kidding folks (I'm married). But you get my point, no?

Peace, out,
B-Dawg

 
We are just two weeks away from the WWE's latest pay-per-view spectacular. So, without further ado, here's Canadian Bulldog's EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED PREVIEW of Have Mercy:

• Main event -- Vince MacMcMahon v. His Daughter (Love her or leave her match): What's not to love? It's the original Family Feud here, and that always means a good match and high buyrates!!! The fact that Stephoney's mother Lydia and Vince's real-life mistress Sabel The Wild Cat will be in opposite corners only creates more tension to an already hot situation!!!
• Big Evil The Under Taker v. The Next Best Thing Brock Lesnor (Bicycle-on-a-chain match): The Taker has all the tools to pull this one off; he's older, angrier and DEADLIER than his young, sexy opponent. But Brook has the big gold strap right now, so it's hard to count him out. Or disqualify him.
• Curt Angel v. Jim Cena (Celebrity Rap-Off): I think it's time to bust out some Bulldoganomics:
   
Yo, yo, yo, I just gotta say,
That this match is really gonna make my day.
One guy's good on the stick, the other guy's good at rasslin',
This will be a classic match for the ages.
WORLD LIFE!!! 
 
• Chris Benwah v. a Train: It's hard to believe that Stephoney signed this match, because I would have bet it was a match made in Workrate Heaven!!! This has something for everyone: one guy is good at amateur-style wrestling holds, while the other is hairy and large. Can't pick a winner on this one.
• Matt Gowen v. Zach Hardy (Ladder match): Why does the WWE waste our time with matches like this? Who really wants to see these guys on a PPPV? I'd much rather shell out good money to see guys like The Full Bodied Italians and Rikishi Phatu And Your Mother Too on the big show. And, speaking of big shows…
• Ray Mistereo v. Takijiri v. Billy The Kid-Sized Man v. The Allllllltimate Dragon v. Jimmy Noble (Triple Threat Match): This one could go either way!!!
• Latino Night Heat v. Best Show (Loser has to eat dog shit): The stakes are high, yes, but something tells me this will be the match of the night. Bank on it!!!

That's about it for this week. Be sure to email me SMART questions to [email protected].  And remember, if you heard it here, it's… Inside The Ropes!!!

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CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.

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