OO Column: Inside the Ropes (Pro Wrestling News, Analysis, and Commentary... WWE, WWF, WCW, ECW, The Rock, Brock Lesnar, Triple H, Rob Van Dam, Hulk Hogan, Undertaker, Trish Stratus, Lita, Stacy Keibler, Divas, RAW, SmackDown, WrestleMania, SummerS

INSIDE THE ROPES
Trust Him, He Knows What He's Doing
October 30, 2003

by the Canadian Bulldog
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

"You're always talking about your psalms, your John 3:16. Well, Austin 3:16 says, Jesus went to the Mount of Olives. At dawn he appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them. The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, "Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?"
-- Stoned Cold Steve Austin, In Your House, 1996

Welcome, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm Canadian Bulldog, and we have tons to get to this week. This latest edition is one of the biggest ones this year, a jumbo-sized issue that's roughly the size of a small book. It has the most detailed stories you'll read anywhere in the industry on the recent deaths of Road Warrior Hog, Stu Art and Rod Roddy Piper.

We'll also take a look at Hulk Hollywood Hogan's decision to quit NWA T and A and what it means for Vince MacMahon and the wrestling business.
We've also got the inside scoop on WWE's plans for the No Mercy paper-view; who's expected to win and why, and the ramifications for the industry.
We'll also relay a funny story surrounding the upcoming Gay Pride Fighting Championships PPV, and what it means for Vince MacMahon and the wrestling business.
We'll discuss what happened on a recent shopping trip involving Bob Sap and Mirko Crop Cro, and what it means to the industry.
We'll also look at the movie careers of Rocky Maivia and Triple HHH, where they're going, how they'll get there, who will drive them, and comparisons between and their career choices and those of Ed O'Neill, Robert DeNiro and Stuart Stone. We'll also look at the ramifications it will have for Vince MacMahon and the wrestling industry.

For details and subscription information, please click here.

But before we get to all that, how about a quick trivia question?

Who drove the car that ran over Bill Goldenberg?
(A) Triple HHH
(B) Big Sex Killer Kevin Nash
(C) Randy Orson
(D) Rick Flare
(E) Goldenberg
(F) All of the above

Answer at the end of this column!!!

As you probably know, unless you're stupid, one of the biggest wrestling-related stories took place last week when Triple HHH "tied the knot" with Stephanie MacMahon-Helmsley. Here's what you probably DIDN'T KNOW: the blessed event did NOT go down without a hitch.

Before the ceremony, HHHH's mother-in-law-to-be Lydia MacMahon handed The Game a videotape that explained that Stephanie was PREGNANT - but it wasn't with his child!!! So when the ceremony started, Triple gave his patented Pedigree To Orton to his bride-to-be, and then to his father-in-law-to-be Vince MacMcMacMcMacMahon!!!

THEN… the priest ripped off his mask and it was none other than Eric Bischov, and he said 'I think you've got about THREE MINUTES', and then The Three Man Warning attacked HHHH!!! And then Stoned Cold Steve Austin came out and attacked everyone because he was mentally provoked!!! And it was the best wedding EVER!!!

Thanks to my 'source' [email protected] for all of that top-notch information.

The newest video game, Smack! Down Bring The Pain is set to hit the shelves any month now. As a special treat, yours truly, The Notorious D.O.G., has uncovered an exclusive Screen Shot of the game. Click here to see Randy Savage and Iron Sheik duking it out!!!

Also, I have obtained an EXCLUSIVE 'moves list' (again, from my source [email protected]. Hmm, interesting…)

SmackDown! Moves List

Wrestler
Press
Move
Torrie Watson Up, L1, Left, Down Jump Off The Top Rope And Miss
Big Sex Killer Up, Up, Up, Down, Down, Down, R2, D2 Headlock
Christopher Lewinksi Up and Down, R1 Side headlock
Homosexual Mark Chocolate Down, R2, Reverse Scream
Y J Stinger Up, Up, Up, Up, Up, Up, Up Greco-Roman Hair Pull
Shane MacMahon Down, Around, L2, L3 Jumps Off Tall Building
Mr. Fuji R1, Up, Up, Up, R1, Up Oriental Headlock
a Train Left, Right, Left, Right, Down Blood
Power Button Turns Console On/Off

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, what a crush!!! As mentioned earlier, One of the Road Warriors died last week. With that in mind, I recently had the chance to speak with Animal, the member of L.O.D.D. who is still currently alive. What follows is the EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED transcript:

CB: Hello, is this Animal?
A: AN-I-MAL! AN-I-MAL!
CB: Great. This is Canadian Bulldog from Inside The Ropes. How are you today?
A: A HA HA!
CB: Glad to see your spirits are so high. Question number one: how does it feel now that your brother Hawk is dead?
A: BRO-THER! BRO-THER!
CB: My thoughts precisely. Question number two: Do you think you're going to be headed back to the WWE anytime soon?
A: WO-MAN! WO-MAN! A HA HA!
CB: Really? Which woman do you think you'll hook up with? Tritch Stratus, perhaps?
A: AN-I-MAL! AN-I-MAL!
CB: I've heard that as well about her. Question number three: Did you and Road Warrior Hog used to paint each other's faces? Or what?
A: PLAY DRUMS! PLAY DRUMS! A HA HA!!
CB: Er… yeah. This is obviously a difficult time for you right now, so I'll let you go. Thanks for your time.
A: AN-I-MAL! AN-I-MAL!

Statler: There's nothing like a good interview.
Waldorf: You're right. And that was nothing like a good interview.
Both: Ho ho ho ho!

Next week, we have an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED interview with Chuck Jericho's band Fozzy .

If you happened to watch Smack! Down last week (I didn't), you'd know that Paul Herman was named as the new district manager of the show by Vince! Look for the former ECW President to shake things up!!!

Speaking of which… last week alone, Herman fired The World's Greatest Goddam Tag Team and re-hired Scotty The Hotty. Only time will tell what he'll do next.

Speaking of which… I've got to say that they ought to rename the tag team division TAG TEAM HEAVEN!!! Not only have you got Charlie Horse and Sheldon Benjamin back together, but Eddy and Chavito Guerrera are looking better than ever!!! And don't forget about The Full-Bodied Italians, The AARP and the new World's Greatest Team -- Scott Hotty and Rikishi Phatu And Your Mother Too!!! All of them are hot on the heels of tag champions The Bash 'Em Brothers!!!

Speaking of which… are the legendary Koko Beware and The Berserker planning to put aside their differences and form a tag team? No.

Speaking of which… is there a romance starting up between The Returning Leeta and The Christian? It's hard to say, but if you watched Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw this past week, you might be able to detect something starting up between the two of them. Not sure what Leeta's ex-boyfriend Jeff Hardee will have to say about that.

Finally, let's open the virtual mailbag for a little Q & A. Remember, if you want to send me a question, please don't hesitate to do so at [email protected], during regular business hours.

Q: Who do you think will be on the Survivor Series teams for the Austin vs. Bischoff match?
A: Thanks for the compliment. We already know that YJ Stinger, Big Poppa Dump and The Christian are one side. They'll probably be joined by Los Resistance and Rodney Max. On the other side, we know Sucker T and Rod Van-Damme have thrown their hat into the ring (not literally!). I'd expect them to be joined by Shawn McMichaels, Goldenberg, Bischov and Dangerous Danny Davis (he ALWAYS manages to get in there somewhere).

Q: Uh…. but what about Goldberg's match with HHH?
A: That will be great.

Q: Where do you think The Ultimate Warrior will make his return to wrestling?
A: If I know The Alllllllllllllll-timate Worrier as well as I think I do, he's probably negotiating to make a big return to the WWE or WCW. Possibly even as soon as this week's Smack! Down. Bank on it!!!

Q: Hulk Hogan didn't quit TNA. He was injured in Japan, and they had to cancel the 3 hour PPV.
A: No. That's not correct.

Q: Have you seen the new Ric Flair DVD yet? Any idea what's on it?
A: According to WrestlingDVDs.com, the tape includes: · Flare's return to the WWE
· The time he was named Raw General Manager
· The time he lost that job.
· The time he re-formed Revolution.
And also some stuff from his early days, which nobody really cares about.

Q: How did you get a job on this website? You spell EVERY LAST NAME wrong, you give out incorrect weblinks, and your recollection of history is deplorable. You must have a lucky horseshoe up your ass!
A: Thanks for the compliment!!!

That about does it for this week. Remember, if you have any questions, comments, donations or favorite recipes, please email them to [email protected]. And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes!!!

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CANADIAN BULLDOG is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH. He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.