OO Column: Inside the Ropes (Pro Wrestling News, Analysis, and Commentary... WWE, WWF, WCW, ECW, The Rock, Brock Lesnar, Triple H, Rob Van Dam, Hulk Hogan, Undertaker, Trish Stratus, Lita, Stacy Keibler, Divas, RAW, SmackDown, WrestleMania, SummerS

INSIDE THE ROPES
And With the First Pick...
March 18, 2004

by the Canadian Bulldog
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

"Hacksaw Jim Duggan… b-b-b-beats people up! Hacksaw Jim Duggan… b-b-b-beats people up! USA! Yu-yu-yu-USA! USA! Hooooooooo!"
-- Hacksaw John Dugan, 1992

Welcome, everyone to the latest edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm Canadian Bulldog, recently voted as the best person ever, according to a survey I made up just now. We've got our usual glob of EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED news to get to, but first, a quick trivia question:

How did you find Wrestle Mania XXX?

(a) Awful
(b) The Crapdaddy Of `Em All
(c) The Worst PPV Since That Hero Of Wrestling Show Where Jack 'The Snack' Roberts Pleasured Himself With A Snake And Then Starved It To Death
(d) I Found It On Television With My Remote Control
(e) Yes

Be sure to place your vote at the Official ITR website. Here are last week's results:

How many people watched Wrestle Mania XXX last weekend?
(a) 25 billion - 14 percent
(b) 250 billion - 0 percent
(c) 250,0000 zillion - 14 percent
(d) Just me and Mike Hardy Version 2.0 - 71 percent

An open letter to The Next Best Thing Brock Lesnor,

Hi, Brock. It's me Canadian Bulldog. How are you? Hope all is doing well, even after you just lost the biggest match of your career and looked like a piece of crap doing it. By the way, how did that stunner feel?
Not sure if you've heard this yet, but there's a hot rumor out there stating that you are getting ready to leave the WWE for the XFL. Now… I don't think for a minute that you're considering this (just because rajahwwf.com says something, doesn't make it true), but just in case you are… DON'T DO IT!!!
You have a bright future as a sports entertainer ahead of you. Why waste it all with a go-nowhere team like The Los Angeles Outlaws or The New York/New Jersey/New Mexico Hitmen?
Sure, they have hot cheerleaders, and Jerry 'The Body' Ventura is the sport's premier announcer, but that doesn't matter. There isn't anything in the world that can compare to the experience of pretending to be afraid of Hardwood Holly, and you damn well know it!!!
I know you think the XFL is all a non-stop party of high TV ratings, helmet-cams and Million Dollar Games, but I don't think you should throw away your wrestling career for it. And I would know about these things better than you.
Peace, out,
B-Dawg

And now, onto the news…

I think everyone can agree that last month's Wrestle Mania XXX was one of the worst pay-per-view programs of all time. I mean, I thought the whole point was to create new stars, but that didn't quite seem to happen, did it? Molly Hardy missed out on her chance to shine in the Mania spotlight because of the Glass Ceiling; Little John Stud Junior was kept out of the Hall of Fame simply because he was never a wrestler; and was anyone looking out for The Bash 'Em Brothers? I DON'T FREAKING THINK SO!!!

The only bright spot of the whole night was when The Classic Old School Ordertaker made his grand return, looking EXACTLY like he did when he debuted in the 1960's. WWE doesn't get enough credit for doing things right, but this time, they went all the way. They even hired back Pallbearer for the big event!!!

The following is an artist's rendering of what The Deceased Man looked like at 'Mania (for those of you too cheap to order the paper-view):

Realizing the error of his ways and that he's not as good a booker as Wade Keller is, World Wrestling Federtainment Corp. Ltd. Chairman Vince MacMahon has decided to "shake things up" with the "first" ever "draft" to be held "live" next week from "Detroit". Every superstar will be forced to change shows, except for Super Rosey (clause in his contract).

It so happens that my top source, [email protected], was given an advance copy of how the draft will play out. Here it is. Warning -- make sure that you definitely don't read ahead if you don't not want to be spoiled:

WWE Top Secret Draft
Order Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw Smack! Down Velocity Excess
1 Los Resistance Mick Farley a Train Wait - that show isn't even on the air anymore!!!
2 Skinner Eric Bischov Revolution …right?
3 Goldenberg Chavito Guerrera Senior That Guy Hmm…
4 Queen Shaneequa The Best Show The Alllllltimate Dragon Maybe I'm thinking of a different show
5 Crash Hardy Mark Hardy Version 2.0 Molly 'Cueball' Hardy Hardwood Holly
6 Ricky Flare Rodney Max Shane O'Max's Punk Kid Hardwood Holly
7 The Next Best Thing Brock Lesnor Jazzy Big Sex Killer Hardwood Holly
8 Breadshaw Tough Enough's Johnny BladeSpadeBlazeSpace Takajiri Breadshaw
9 Mean Jean Canadian Crippler Chris Benwah Bash 'Em Brother # 2 Billy The Kid-Sized Man
10 Hall of Famer Pete Ross (a/k/a Charlie Haasle) Big Stupid Red Machine Kain D-Lo Dudley Hardwood Holly
11 Zak 'Don't Call Me Larry' Gowan Mike Morgan Old School Ordertaker A Player To Be Named Later
12 Reno Riggins Mayvin Spike TV Dudley The Edge
13 Tritch Stratus Stuart Stone Big Ass Barry Gunn Jerry 'The King' Lawyer
14 Jason Credible Orlando Jones Good Ol' JR Ewing Triple HHH
15 Kur Tangle World's Best Goddam Tag Team Christopher Lewinski Deacon Bautista
16 Big Daddy Dump The Legion Of Doonl Juneyard Dog's daughter Rocky Maivia
17 Michael Coal The Retired Nathan Johns Sheriff Stoned Cold Austen The Returning Leeta
18 Shane MacMahon Vince MacMahon Vince MacMahon Senior Jess MacMahon
19 "Lund Killer" Randy Orson Garrison Cake and Mark Gingerale Chavita Guerrera Junior Queen Victoria
20 Homosexual Mark Chocolate Roaddog Jamie James Tazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Other People

It appears as though X-Pack will be the latest WWE superstar to get his own DVD. Some of the details were 'leaked' on this website. Although it's not listed here, the content will include:

His debut match, where he weighed 123 pounds and stole all of Razor Raymond's money
Both his successful title defenses of the WWE Little Heavyweight Title
· Some crap from WCW Saturday Night
The full story behind the Ex-Pack/Torrie/Kain love triangle
Behind-the-scenes featurette on the making of his Ex-Factor song with Uncle Crapper
Hidden Easter Egg: Eric Bischov re-enacts the time he sent him a Fed Ex that read: "Screw you, Ex-Pack. You're firrrrrredddddddd"

And much more!!!

Former Olympic Hero Kur Tangle died recently after he lost feeling in his fingers. Or he got injured. I forget.

With the way that Heartburn Kid Sean McMichaels and Canadian Crippler Chris Benwah worked as a team this past week, is anyone else thinking The New, NEW Rockers?

Recently, I had the chance to sit down and speak to WWE AND WWF legend Drill Sgt. Slaughter over the telephone. What follows is the EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED transcript with the former soldier and maggot. You may not reprint this interview in any way, unless you clear it with The Rick personally. In fact, you shouldn't even be READING this without his okay.

CB: Hello. Is this Sgt. Slaughter?
SS: Actually, it's Congresswoman Slaughter.
CB: Look, I don't need to know your life story. This is Canadian Bulldog and it's time to conduct our interview. Capiche?
SS: I… I…
CB: Question number one: Why did you turn on our country and side with Sadamn Whosane during the war?
SS: I BEG YOUR PARDON!
CB: Oh, don't go pulling that BULLCRAP!!! Be a man about it, for once in your pathetic life!!!
SS: But I'm… a woman…
CB: Don't get me going on that… and let's stop using that high voice, shall we? Question number two: has anyone told you how fat you've gotten now that you're getting old?
SS: (Shrieks)
CB: Oh, great. I didn't want to be the one to tell you. Question number three: are you happy being the least important hall of famer this year, and you only got inducted because you still work the company?
SS: (Sobbing) Please just leave me alone…
CB: Just one more question: where do you stand on campaign finance reform?
SS: You.. you… want to know where I stand on the issues?
CB: No, no, I'm just kidding. Can you say 'ATTEN-HUT' for me, maggot?
SS: I'm sorry. This interview is..
CB: NO NO NO - that's my line! This interview is OVER!!! (hangs up)

If you know of someone that you're dying for me to interview, drop me a line at [email protected].

Finally, let's open up things up to some Questions and Answers, a chance for morons like you to have your opinions heard in an important forum:

Q: Can you tell me everyone who was in the Heenan Family?
A: Thanks for the compliment. Click right here for the full list.

Q: Now that Chris Benoit and Eddie Guerrero are the WWE's world champions, don't you think Vince McMahon has started to recognize the real value of good technical wrestling?
A: No.

Q: What do you think of Trish Stratus turning on Chris Jericho?
A: IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT I THINK!!!

Q: When does Goldberg's contract REALLY expire?
A: I'm not at liberty to say.

Q: Hi, Bulldog. I was just wondering who your favorite wrestler of all-time is?
A: Go to hell.

Q: Why don't you cover NWA TNA?
A: Shut up.

Q: When was the last time…
A: Fuck you.

Q: How many…
A: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Q: You're making all these questions up, aren't you?
A: Is it that obvious?

Q: Yes. Pretty lame.
A: Well, no one wrote into me this week.

I guess that wraps things up. If you have something to say to me that isn't completely ridiculous, e-mail me at [email protected]. I can't guarantee a response, but I'll try my best to get to most of my fan mail. Until next time, remember: if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.

E-MAIL THE BULLDOG
BROWSE THE ITR ARCHIVES

CANADIAN BULLDOG is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH. He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.