by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

JCW, of course, is Juggalo Championshit Wrestling (and no, that's NOT a typo), the promotion that was created by – and arguably for the amusement of – the Insane Clown Posse. Although I'm certainly not a big fan of Shaggy 2 Dope and Violent J's brand of music, I know enough to know that these guys are huge wrestling fans. Legend has it that they used one of their first record royalty checks to buy a regulation-sized wrestling ring, and of course, any fan of the modern era knows of their brief appearances in WWE, WCW, ECW and TNA.

So when these guys decided to literally start their own promotion, it wasn't something meant to rival any other indy wrestling group out there. If anything, it's a well-done parody of other wrestling promotions. One of the biggest pleasures for me viewing this was hearing how Shaggy, Violent and their lackey Rude Boy (who double as commentators for this show under different names) poke fun at every aspect of their group, from the rules to the budget right down to the talent itself. I have taken the liberty of including some of their profanity-laced commentary (in parentheses) throughout this review. Obviously, this show is not for the weak of heart, both in the action and the commentary itself.

This video takes place in Columbus, Ohio (home of this year's Bad Blood) in front of at least a few hundred fans (ICP refers to the attendance as being 12 million on at least one occasion) in a Manhattan Center-style venue. Included in the rabid crowd of Juggalos is that guy who looks kind of like a skinny Hulk Hogan (trust me, you've seen him before). Not sure when this takes place, though it could have easily been during the last couple of years. The DVD jacket says the video was released last year, if that means anything. Anyways, onto the video:

Interviewer Serious Darious (hey, I didn't make his name up) introduces us to "The Giant Killer" Tom Dub, a guy so scrawny he makes Spike Dudley look like Scott Steiner. Dub, the self-proclaimed "sex symbol of JCW", is warned that he will be facing Kamala (!!!) tonight. Dub says he doesn't give a fuck about Kamala; he's just there to give the ladies a good time. Okay…

Josh Prohibition Vs. M-Dogg 20

If you've never heard of either of these guys; don't worry. You won't ever need to. I only know of them from their appearances in the Backyard Wrestling video game. ICP makes fun of the ring girl because she is holding up a sign that says "Match 2" during the first bout (obviously, the first match wasn't included on the tape), a running joke throughout the video.

Feeling-out process starts things off, until M-Dogg busts out a hurracanrana, sending Prohibition out of the ring. M-Dogg attempts an Asai moonsault from the ring apron, but THE SECOND ROPE BREAKS, forcing M-Dogg to land headfirst on the concrete!!! A replay is shown ("That was fucking funny as hell!") while M-Dogg is tended to, and Prohibition tries to buy some time. Prohibition attempts a power bomb, which is reversed into a cool Mysterio-like sunset flip. Pinfall attempt is broken up by… Shane Douglas! Now THAT was unexpected! Douglas beats up both backyarders and then grabs the mike, natch. The Franchise starts yelling something, though the sound quality makes it hard to hear (I would bet good money the words 'Dick Flair' are uttered, though). He starts knocking JCW ("Hey, no one out there will work for 50 bucks, Shane. You try running a fucking promotion!"). His music starts playing as Douglas taunts the crowd. I'm sure there was a point to all that.

It's worth noting that the ring rope never gets fixed from here on in.

Rating: 1/5. Wasn't bad, with one awesome botched move, but it was over way too quickly.

Serious Darious interviews "international superstar" Nosawa and then suddenly starts asking him questions in Spanish. One of the few unfunny portions of the night.

"Ritchie Boy" Bryan Wellington Vs. Nosawa

Wellington is a sort of Hunter Hearst Helmsley snob character, accompanied to the ring by his "dirty fucking slut-whore", who isn't even given a name. Nosawa, we're told, is a major star in MLW, AAA and other promotions. We're also told he was trained by Koko B. Ware, explaining the 'bird dance' he does on the way to the ring. After being pelted by a soft drink, Wellington enters the ring and we start with a lockup ("There's no spot-calling in JCW. This is wrestling!") followed by a side headlock by Wellington. Nosawa trips Wellington into the bottom turnbuckle and attacks his with several kicks and chops. Nosawa now has a background as a "Chinese shoot fighter". This is hilarious! Wellington is worked over in the corner, prompting him to exit the ring and get caught by a Nosawa baseball slide. ICP take this opportunity to make fun of their referee's mullet. Wellington catches Nosawa with a belly to back suplex, and again gets hit in the head by airborne garbage. An F-U type move by Wellington followed by a (missed) moonsault ("That move doesn't even have a name, it was so fucking typical and stale."). Nosawa takes the opportunity to kiss uh… the valet, and he's ambushed by Wellington. The "Ritchie Boy" tries for a figure-four and is caught by a small package (now known as a "Rollup Tumbleweed Toss". Who knew?) for the three-count. As Nosawa does the bird dance again for the millions in attendance, Wellington is pelted by a soda cup yet again.

Rating: 2/5. Ehhh, it was watchable, but nothing great.

Serious Darious (who is actually more entertaining than Todd Grisham, I kid you not) is backstage with Abdullah the Butcher's manager, Honest John Cheatum. Cheatum (probably with the law firm of Dewey Cheatum and Howe) is about to explain that Abdullah hasn't signed a contract to wrestle, when who shows up but… Abby. Yes!!! The Madman From Sudan attacks Darious, Cheatum and a cameraman. Darious tries to restrain his client by patting him on his scarred forehead ("Don't do that, he'll start fuckin' bleeding all over the place!"). I find it amazing that Abdullah can still do the EXACT SAME ACT he did twenty years ago and it hasn't gotten old yet.

Speaking of which… the next vignette features Lenny Lane and two other JCW jobbers waiting impatiently by the bathroom when who should be in there, but Kamala. Yes, yes, yes!!! This DVD just got one thousand times better! Kamala, holding a bag of potato chips, stunk up the joint, as the group of wrestlers oversell, and he even has toilet paper sticking out of his leopard-print skirt! I cannot tell you how funny that skit was. I had to rewind it at least three times, and that was just on the first viewing.

Back to Serious Darious, who is with the all-powerful Masked Negotiator, a masked man wearing a black suit and a beret. He has searched the world for someone who could take out Tom Dub, our proverbial 98-pound weakling. Who did he find? It's… it's… it's… KAMALA!!! Good thing he just went to the can.

Tom Dub Vs. Kamala

ICP explains to us that, on a previous show, Dub fought a Fake Kamala, and the promoters figured it would be easier just to use the real one. On a semi-serious note, Kamala looks and acts the exact same as he did in his prime. If he wasn't such a big joke now, he could show up on SmackDown next week and be an instant  title threat. Hell, *I* could show up on SmackDown next week and look like a title threat, but that's besides the point. The Masked Negotiator repeats, word-for-word, his speech about Kamala, which ICP call him on. We're told that Dub isn't a wrestler; he's actually a record company employee. That might explain the physique, anyways.

Dub, clearly afraid of The Ugandan Headhunter, pulls out the old 'run under the ring apron and show up on the other side' trick, but to no avail. Kamala catches Dub in a two handed chokeslam, followed by a series of chops and chokes. Kamala pats his belly to the delight of the crowd (well, at least for my benefit). Kamala tosses Dub through the huge gap between the top and bottom ropes and hits Dub's head on the ringside table. The Masked Negotiator throws Dub back into the ring, where Kamala uses a bodyslam and his patented big splash to finish off the so-called Giant Killer. All we needed was Bobby Heenan to bust out the old "Air Kamala" line and it would be 1987 again. While The Masked Negotiator does his best Kimchee impersonation post-match, trying to calm his charge down, Serious Darious runs in and picks a fight with the manager. That was a mistake, as Kamala has a big splash with his name on it. An avalanche follows, and then a referee helps get Serious out of the ring ("This is what they call overselling. He'll probably fall a couple of more times, too.")

Rating: 2.5/5. From a nostalgia point of view, this was tremendous. But it was Kamala; this is as good it gets for the poor guy.

Serious is back (I thought he'd be in the hospital for sure after that beatdown) with Mad Man Pondo, hyping his match against Necro Butcher. For some reason, he also tells us that the wrestlers in the "W – W.. I can't say their call letters" (Why bring the WWA into this? They're bankrupt!) all take steroids. He then storms off after finding out he can't have time with ICP after the match.

Mad Man Pondo Vs. Necro Butcher (with Aneeda Peters)

Much of the commentary focuses on making fun of Peter's rear end ("It looks like a vacuum-sealed pack of M & M's"). ICP warn us that Pondo's mic time is going to drag on for a long time ("Hope you have three hours to kill") and, by golly, they're not kidding. Pondo, of course, has worked for a whole slew of ECW rip-off leagues, while the Necro Butcher no one has apparently heard of, including ICP. Nonetheless, he comes to the ring with a package of fluorescent light tubes, always a good sign. This is a death match, by the way.

Within seconds, Pondo bashes a bulb into the head of Necro Butcher, which makes for a cool smoky effect. Pondo whips Butcher into the corner post, which wouldn't be so bad except there were about a half-dozen light tubes placed there. OUCH! Butcher oversells the move, according to our announcers. Pondo nails his opponent with a harmless-looking stop sign and then grabs a few more tubes, bashing them over his opponent's back.

Butcher is now gashed open about his head and heck. Pondo tries to throw him into another turnbuckle stacked with light tubes, but the move is reversed, and Pondo eats bulb and is now outside of the ring ("Right to his ugly fucking face"). WWE should seriously consider using them as weapons, so long as they're not actually dangerous.

Outside of the ring, Pondo is hit with a couple more tubes ("He's blading, right on camera!") and then Butcher uses yet another tube to headbutt his opponent. Okay, I'm starting to get sick of them now. Back inside, Butcher takes a bite of the yet ANOTHER tube (tastes like chicken?) and then uses the shards to dig into his opponent's head. Pondo returns the favor by crotching him with YET ANOTHER light tube. This match could have supplied my entire basement with lighting for ten years, people!!!

Pondo introduces thumbtacks but is stopped cold when Butcher hits him with… any guesses here? If you said "A light tube, Bulldog", you'd be absolutely correct! Butcher powerbombs his foe into the bed of thumbtacks, which then sink into Pondo's neck, face and even his ears. In the 'holy shit' spot of the night, Butcher sets up a garbage fun full of light tubes and sets them atop a steel chair (this will be important later). Pondo steals the object away from him and adds another dozen light tubes to the trash can. As Pondo prepares to pick up his opponent, Butcher throws a batch of thumbtacks ("Dipped in SARS") at Pondo and forces him to eat a handful of the tiny pushpins! Finally, Butcher places Pondo on the second turnbuckle and slams his head (upside down, mind you) into the trash can full of tubes. Neck first, basically, Pondo comes crashing down!!! One of the sickest things I've ever seen, and this coming from someone who's recently watched three FMW DVD's.

Pondo escapes the ring and starts crawling up a narrow-looking ramp, with Butcher following him. Then, Pondo tosses Butcher off the stage, right on to a table of… yes, light tubes! How'd they get THERE? The worst part is, the table didn't actually break; Butcher kind of slid off of it, onto the ground. They get back in the ring again, and Pondo gets his valet to tie another light tube to his back. ("Come on, let’s take this home already"). Pondo has other ideas, he climbs the ropes, but the lack of a second rope forces him to use a chair instead, and he botches a moonsault attempt with the tube still tied to him ("What the fuck was that?")

To save her client, Peters takes off her top, while makes ICP scream in protest (something about "dried up raisins") and allows Pondo to gain the advantage. A second attempt at the light-tube induced moonsault connects (though ICP admit it sucked anyways) and is good enough for a three-count.

Rating: 3/5. Very repetitive, but fun nonetheless, and some really interesting spots.

Post-match, Butcher challenges Pondo to get back in the ring, but he refuses. So Butcher leaves ringside and returns with Peters, who is still topless, for those keeping score at home. For her troubles, she gets a really dangerous-looking piledriver onto the table, in the middle of the ring. Joking or not, that was ill-advised. Clearly the woman doesn't know how to take a bump, and Butcher didn't even seem like he was protecting her.

Serious Darious is on location at Rude Boy's "secret training camp", which is actually a dimly-lit bar. Rude Boy talks trash about Abdullah The Butcher, whom he's lost to twice now.

Rude Boy Vs. Abdullah The Butcher

Rude Boy is still on commentary, which is kind of a neat trick. Cheatum comes out instead of Abby, and the fans cheer "What?" in between his words, so at least I know know this has to be 2001 or later. Adbullah runs out to ringside and starts attacking Rude Boy with a fork. Rude Boy's face is almost instantly a mess because of repeated fork stabbings. I certainly hope that's not a REAL metal fork, because that would kill. Abby changes strategy and starts stabbing him in the air instead. Shockingly, Rude Boy comes back and attacks Abby with a plastic water bottle, and then several times with a fork ("He's a house of fire!"). Adbullah quickly ends the slaughter with a headbutt, although Rude Boy's fork to the knee (which I believe was Bob Backlund's old finishing move) stops him cold. Adbullah actually lets Rude Boy get a TON of offense in here, letting him stay strong for several minutes and even get a few legdrops in there. Cheatum enters the ring and beats up the referee. The ref starts getting up, only to be attached by Abby. Another official (the one with the mullet from earlier) also gets beat up. A bunch of wrestlers come in to pull apart the two grapplers, and the match is apparently over now. The brawl continues for several more minutes, with Abdullah taking the bulk of the beating.

Rating: 3/5. I've NEVER seen Abdullah take that much punishment before, and I've seen my share of his matches in the past. It would be as if Triple H went up to Chris Benoit one day and said: "Hey, why don't you beat me tonight for the title? I'll even tap out." Oh wait….

Serious Darious is backstage with ICP, who cut an old school promo on their upcoming opponents. At least twice they let us know that "wrestling is a work." Russo wrote this show?

Violent J & Shaggy 2 Dope Vs. Kid Cock and Feminem

Kid Cock looks suspiciously like TNA's Kid Kash (oh, wait, that IS Kid Kash), whereas Feminem I've never seen before. They're accompanied to the ring by Pamela Anderson and Kim Mathers (non)look-alikes. Again, ICP are commentating on their own match, complimenting each other and knocking themselves at random intervals.

The heels (Cock and Feminem, natch) begin with an ambush, which is quickly turned into ICP doing a botched reversal spot ("What the fuck was that?"). Another attempt at the entire sequence, and there's success this time. Painful-looking brainbuster by Violent J to Feminem, which the guy sells like a pro. Kid Kash…er, Cock ambushes Violent J and the heels take control. Violent J begins no-selling Feminem's punches, aptly noted by our announcers. Cock tags in (uh…) and is nailed by a piledriver. Both men tag out, and Feminem quickly takes control. Shaggy 2 Dope is worked over by illegal double-teaming and allows Feminem to get a two-count.

As Kid Cock works over Shaggy from the outside, ICP points out to us a continuity flaw as the "injured" Serious Darious is still at ringside during the matches. I love these guys! With the referee's back turned, Violent J puts Feminem in a sit-down powerbomb, which gets two. Kid Cock tags in and starts taking charge. The heels take turns switching places behind the referee's back. How very Killer Bees of them. Cock gets tossed (aw, man) out of the ring and Shaggy busts out a suicide dive from the ring apron. Once he's back in the ring, Shaggy is exhausted ("He's gotta make the hot tag!") from being in so long, and finally tags out to Violent J, who cleans house and introduces a table into the ring. Violent attempts to spear Feminem through said table, but it doesn't break. A second one, this time with Violent J actually carrying his foe, does the trick. A second table is introduced and soon, Feminem goes through it courtesy of Shaggy's "17-star top rope legdrop".  A pinfall seems like a certainty under who runs into the ring but… Shane Douglas? Again? Didn't we already see this finish.

Douglas, Feminem and Cock start a heel beatdown until about 30 loyal Juggalos enter the ring and clean house.  This leads to an in-ring celebration, some more nudity from ringside and the end of the show. No DVD extras or anything, so the whole video was less than two hours, I think.

Rating: 3.5/5. This was a decent, fun match. Kash I was already a big mark for, and no one can deny that ICP has the charisma and ring presence that even WWE guys are lacking. Feminem was neither bad nor good, but the kid certainly rolled with the punches. The only thing that ruined it for me was the re-appearance of Shane Douglas, forcing a lame DQ finish.

Final verdict: ICP come right out and say on the front of this DVD that the matches aren't for everyone, and that they're not guaranteeing "shxt". That's true (except for the 'shxt' part. That's just a load of shxt.) – not everyone may find this to their liking. But if you don't take wrestling too, too seriously, and you want to see something that's distinctly different, I'd highly recommend it. If only for the commentary alone.

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CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.

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