careers of hundreds, if not thousands, of wrestlers. A man who single-handedly saved the industry more than his fair share of times. A man whose contributions to the business can't be overstated. I'm of course talking about…

But even the legendary Atom Bomb had to take his cue from someone. So in order to completely shift topics, let's instead take an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED look at the career of the legendary Hal Kogan.

Hal was actually born as Terry "The Hulk" Boulder in 1950something to a family somewhere. Probably.

His family noticed quickly that their son wasn't like other kids. Probably because of the steroids. By age 11, he was six feet two inches and weighed 250 pounds. By age 22, he was twelve feet, four inches and 500 pounds.

He took up wrestling, eventually, but didn't make waves until he appeared in the Sylvester Malone flick "Rocky VIIII: Back To The Streets. Again."

That night, a little something known as Halkomania was born. It weighed 9 pounds, 4 ounces, and its mother is resting comfortably. The bris is scheduled for next Thursday at the temple downtown.

Backstage, wrestling announcer and professional gadfly Mean "Jean" Okerfeld interviewed the new champ:

Mean Jean Okerfeld: Hal, you've just won the "Ugly Green Strap". Any thoughts?
Hal Kogan: Well let me tell ya somethin', Mean Jean. I am so excited, brother. I am so pumped up, brother. This turns me on, brother!
Mean Jean Okerfeld: Halkster, I'm flattered, but this isn't the time or place for that. Perhaps later on we can…
Hal Kogan: Brother, this belt is for all my Halkomaniacs! This belt is part theirs, brother, it's part yours, Mean Jean..
Mean Jean Okerfeld: Can I hold it, then?
Hal Kogan: Uhh… you're talking about my belt, right?
Mean Jean Okerfeld: Sure.

Soon, Hal Kogan merchandise was EVERYWHERE!!! You had the Hal Kogan action figure, the Hal Kogan ice cream bar, the Hal Kogan beer stein, the Hal Kogan inflatable sex doll (at least I think it was supposed to look like him; the eighties were a confusing time for me), the Hal Kogan acne cream, the Hal Kogan E-Z bake oven, the Hal Kogan 52-piece chess set, Hal Kogan's Olde-Fashioned Peanut Butter, the Hal Kogan home workout kit (steroids sold separately), and of course, the Hal Kogan inflatable sex doll.

Kogan's reign of terror lasted until 1988, when Millionaire Man Teddy Beeassey's dirty money paid for plastic surgery to create a fake Andrew The Giant, who went on to capture the championship and make the following speech:

Mean Jean Okerfeld: Andrew The Giant… you've got to be kidding me!
Andrew The Giant: Mean Jean, I tell you I wool golan nurf ggg marsoeeen. Heeej mal worrrrrl!
Teddy Beassey: And you can take to the bank. Dahahahahahahahaha!!
Mean Jean Okerfeld: So I guess what you're saying, Ted, is that I can "bank on i…"
Teddy Beassey: … Ahahahahahahahahaha!!!

As was his nature, Hal Kogan left the WWF to very little fanfare, allowing his best friend Randy "Matzoh Man" Sewage to win the company's top strap. While we was out of the business, Kogan went to conquer the one medium he had never explored before: Hollywood!!!

Armed with a variety of choice silver screen roles to play, The Halkstor picked a script that was apparently written by a four-year-old, the classic No Holds Bart. In a shocking stretch, he played a larger-than-life WWF Champion who overcomes the forces of evil by exercising his creative control clause and refusing to job to Zoos.

From there, Kogan made his glorious return to the company!!! And then his supposed "best friend" turned on him!!! And he accused him of "lusting" after his partner Leeta!!! And he found out that she was leaving cellphone messages for him while she was supposedly "out injured"!!! And it was the best infidelity storyline ever!!!

EVER!!!

And over the next couple of years, Kogan won the WWF (then known as "WWE") World Title four more times, defeating Sewage, Sgt. Slobber, The Old-School Classic Ordertaker Who Looks Exactly Like Used To Even Though Back Then He Really DID and Yozokuna.

At the point The Halkstor was accused of injecting himself in the ass with ALCOHOLIC STEROIDS!!! To prove he was innocent, Kogan appeared on "The Armenio Hall Show" and engaged in the following exchange:

Armenio Hall: A lot of folks think you may have possibly, accidentally, taken steroids.
Hal Kogan: No way, brother. I never took any stereos, brother.
Armenio Hall: No, I said steroids.
Hal Kogan: I'll tell ya, brother. I never once injected myself with asteroids, brother.
Armenio Hall: Give it up for The Dog Pound. Woof woof woof!

Looking as ripped as ever, Kogan had one final WWF match, when he dropped the belt to Yozokuna when a photographer accidentally set his camera on fire, burning Hal in the face.

Convinced by professional slimebucket Eric Bischov, Hal Kogan made his debut in World Championship Wrestling and on July 33rd, 1994, won a version of the world heavyweight title (It was no UWF title, to be sure), defeating middle-east wrestling veteran Nature Guy Ricky Flare.

Due to Kogan's popularity and not at all because of guys like Flare, The Stinger, and Biggie Van Vader, Bischov soon launched "Monday Night Ro", which went head-to-head with WWF's "Tuesday Night Titans" (often referred to as "Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw").

Mean Jean Okerfeld: Hal Kogan, what in the world are you thinking?
Hal Kogan: Mean Jean, the first thing that you need to do is to tell these people to shut if you wanna hear what I gotta say.
Mean Jean: Uh… does that turn you on?
Hal Kogan: For the last time, brother - NO!!! The first thing you've got to realize, brother, is this right here is the future of wrestling. You can call this the New World Order of Wrestling, brother.
Mean Jean Okerfeld: You have made the wrong decision, in my opinion!
Hal Kogan: About sleeping with you?
Mean Jean Okerfeld: Sure.

Kogan teamed with "Big Sex Killer" Kevin Nash and Scott "Last Hall" Call to form the New World Order of Wrestling (nWoOw). This was only the beginning of a hot streak for the company, where tons of innovative and exciting concepts were created.

Oh, wait, no it wasn't.

Kogan toiled in the WCW midcard for years before being publicly fired by creative genius Vince Rousseau:

Rocky Maivia: The Rock has one thing to say… You talk about headlining, main-eventing WrestleMania after WrestleMania after WrestleMania. Well, Hal Kogan, the Rock says how do you feel about main-eventing one more WrestleMania...with the Rock?
Hal Kogan: Okay.

Afterwards, Kogan drove his truck through Maivia's head, killing him, and they went on to have a classic ******* match at WrestelMania X-18.

Kogan was soon turned "babyface" again (Did I explain that he turned heel before? Oops.) and went on win the WWF (formerly WWE) title from noted bigot Triple HHH.

He then lost the belt to Someone and was fired by Vince MacMahon for being too old and orange. There were rumors that he would return under a mask, but the company gave the job to up-and-comer Mister American instead.

Fast-forward to today. Since being fired by World Wrestling Federtainment Inc. Corp. Ltd. LLC, Kogan has dabbled in minor-league wrestling promotion NWA T&A; (National Wrestling Alliance Tits and Ass), shown up in a bunch more crappy films and hogs the spotlight while managing his OMG HOT DAUGHTER~!!!

Recently, MacMahon decided to mend fences when he found out that Kogan wasn't under the mask (it was actually The Patriot). So he invited The Halkstor to be inducted into the prestigious WWWE Hall of Fame, where he'll be respected alongside peers such as Pete Rose, Jimmy Valiant and Vince MacMahon Senior's Limousine Driver.

The only question that remains: Will Halkomania truly live forever?

BANK ON IT!!!

And if he doesn't, you can always check out the following T-shirt and worship a new hero.