"If ya wanna me see go make a buncha shitty movies no one will ever watch, gimme an 'Oh heck yes'!" 
      -- Stoned Cold Sheriff Austen, recently.

What kind of in-depth analysis can I give

you marks readers that's different from what you're getting on other websites? I thought about this burning question for at least thirty seconds. Then it hit me: a piece of my ceiling (we are having plaster problems like you wouldn't BELIEVE). But once I came to, I was WAY behind schedule and had to provide this piece of shit instead:

The ONLY WrestelMania Preview You Need 
(Unless You Want One That's Factually Accurate)

First, a few facts about the big event. DID YOU KNOW?:

• The show is named after its creator, socialite Russ L. Mania the Twenty-First? 
• Future Hall O' Famer Hollywood Hal Kogan may break his usual ban of public appearances to make a rare cameo? 
• World Wrestling Federtainment Corporation Limited Incorporated is REFUSING to allow Iraqi superstar Mohachmed Hussein to wrestle on the show because he's racist? 
• World Wrestling Federtainment Corporation Limited Incorporated is REFUSING to allow HI-DAN-RIKE, Chris Masterpiece, SHNITSKY!!! and Kenzozoki Sazozuki to wrestle on the show because they ABSOLUTELY SUCK? 
• Expected in the audience of the show is B-movie actor Stuart Stone, who'd better show up with a Canadian Bulldog-related sign, if he knows what's fucking good for him?

And now, onto the matches:

Who could have predicted just three short weeks ago that the two co-founders of Revolution would be squaring off? No one, that's who!!!

The problem here is that Bautista obviously never knew how good he had it until he betrayed his former teammates. He could have been someone. He could have been a contender. But now, Triple HHH will have to show him why everyone calls him "The Criminal Assassin."

OOfficial PredictiOOn: Too close to call.

I understand that Smack! Down district manager T.D. Long made this match, but otherwise I would have figured it was made in WORKRATE HEAVEN!!!

One of these guys is rich, snobby and racist, while JLB has proven time and time again that he is a "wrestling dog". One can only wonder what happens when SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT CULTURES COLLIDE.

OOfficial PredictiOOn: Not sure.

TALE OF THE TAPE

Name	From	Weight	Height	Strengths	Weaknesses
Kur Tangle	The Olympics	A slim, trim 217 pounds	Barely	The three I's: Intestiny, Importance and one other one	Neck keeps breaking, falling off
Heartburn Kid Sean McMichaels	San Antonio Spurs	No, you wait	Varies	Xtreme Sexiness	Blades at least once an hour

These two former "tag team specialists" are finally ready to prove to the world that they, too, can wrestle an adequate match in a one-on-one situation.

This all started when HKB "accidentally" eliminated Tangle from the Regal Rumble. Then, in a shocking turn of events, Tangle disguised himself as a cameraman and attacked himself at a Smack! Down taping, leaving himself lying in a pool of his own blood. From there, McMichaels tried to imitate all of his own career highlights on Raw, such as Refusing To Put Over Brett Heart and Being Beat Up By A Bunch Of Marines.

OOfficial PredictiOOn: Yes.

TALE OF THE TAPE

Name	From	Weight	Height	Strengths	Weaknesses
Randy ORTON! ORTON! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!!	Same town as his punk-ass dad	Probably	5"21	Never has to lug around cumbersome books	None whatsoever
The Old-School Ordertaker Who Looks Exactly Like He Used To	The Morgue	340 kg	Yes	Advantageous position of being deceased	The guy ain't in his 40's anymore, if ya catch my drift

It's the age old question all of you marks fans have been asking: What would happen if a legend who refuses to job ever faced off against a moron?

Obviously, the momentum is currently with ORTON! ORTON! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!! because his father, Father Orton, is being indicted into the Hall O' Fame, and also because he recently gave his H20 finisher to Stacey Keebler. But will that be enough when he's going against a man who's 176-0 at WrestelMania? WILL IT???

OOfficial PredictiOOn: WELL, WILL IT???

TALE OF THE TAPE

Name	From	Weight	Height	Strengths	Weaknesses
Chris Benwah	Edmonton, Atlanta	Under control	Vanilla midget	Technical wrestling specialist	Bad breath
The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain	Also from The Morgue	6"6	303 pounds	Fire	Leeta is two-timing him
The Christian	The Vatican	Could stand to a lose a few pounds	5.5 metres	They don't call him "Captain Christmas" for nothing!	Snidely Whiplash-style moustache
ThEdge	Bulldog's backyard -- literally (you better return that frisbee, BASTARD!)	23 metric tonnes	Yes	Not afraid to sleep his way to the top	Leeta is two-timing him
Sheldon Benjamin	What do I look like, a fucking Atlas?	Who cares?	Honestly, are you even READING this at this point?	P.S. I have murdered several people	P.S.S. Actor Stuart Stone is gay
Y J Stinger Chuck Jericho	Don't know	Unknown	Not sure	n/a	Leeta is two-timing him

If the idea of six guys repeatedly tossing themselves off aluminum stepladders is what you want, then THIS IS THE MATCH FOR YOU, PALLY!!!

The winner of this match will be the first person to grab hold of the glass ceiling!!! And then they get to shatter it!!! And that will make Triple HHH cry!!! But there's nothing he can do about it because it's part of the stipulation!!! And so he'll make Nature Guy Ricky Flare job to The Brooklyn Basher because he's so pissed!!! And it will be the best match ever!

OOfficial PredictiOOn: EVER!!!

TALE OF THE TAPE

Name	From	Weight	Height	Strengths	Weaknesses
Kirstie Hemmey	Playboy Mansion, living with Hugh Hebner	Won't tell us	6 foot something	Often naked	Sudden emergence of facial hair
Tritch Stratus	My dreams!	375 lbs.	Height	Has captured Bulldog's heart	SLUT!!!

These ladies are mad at each other for appearing on consecutive covers of Playgirl Magazine. But I ask ya, is THAT a reason to have a feud? (Sigh) women...

Of note is that The Returning And No Longer Pregnant But Still Slutty Leeta will be a neutral corner, making sure that neither competitor pulls off any moves without injuring themselves.

OOfficial PredictiOOn: Don't care.

TALE OF THE TAPE

Name	From	Weight	Height	Strengths	Weaknesses
The Best Show	Deepest, Darkest Africa	5,000 pounds	9"3	Wears a Mr. T-style Mohawk quite well	Fat
Akeboner	China	5,000,000,- 000,000,000,- 000,000,000 ounces	4"2	Fat	Banzai!

Everywhere I go these days (airports, hotels, NAMBLA meetings), people come up to me and say "Who is this Akeboner guy?". To which I respond "Thanks for the compliment!!!". Then they usually walk away quietly...

The Best Show is in for the BEST SHOW (pun not intended) of his life, putting the over the fat Asian superstar in the center of the ring. This one all comes down to which wrestler wants it more, and also whom the bookers have predetermined will win.

OOfficial PredictiOOn: This prediction brought to you by IcoPro -- "you've got to want it".

TALE OF THE TAPE

Name	From	Weight	Height	Strengths	Weaknesses
Latin Heat Eddie Guerrera	Spain	112 pounds	2"9	He lies. He cheats. He steals.	He lies. He cheats. He steals.
Roy Mysterio Junior	New Spain	12 pounds	0"3	Fast	Furious

This dream team was getting along just fine until earlier this year, when Guerrera accused Mysterio of "lusting after" Elizabeth. But they continued to stick it out until Guerrera abandoned his partner during a match with The Twin Towers. And the end of the show came with Roy walking through the halls muttering "Edddddddddddddie! Eddddddddddie! EDDDDDDDDDIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

And now... the team of Guerrera and Mysterio EXPLODES, here at WrestelMania!!!

OOfficial PredictiOOn: Put the smart money on the guy with Latin heritage.

TALE OF THE TAPE

Name	From	Weight	Height	Strengths	Weaknesses
Rod Roddy Piper	Glasgow, Scotland, England, Wales, Ireland	at least 400	Head and shoulders above the competition	Crazy	No, seriously
Stoned Cold Sheriff Austen	WHAT?	WHAT?	WHAT?	WHAT?	WHAT?

For the first time ever, two of the biggest drinkers/drug-abusers/psychos/wifebeaters will "lock horns" on the grandest stage of them all. Who will win? Folks... who WON'T win?

OOfficial PredictiOOn: Hard to pick a winner

There you have it. From where I sit (my living room, avoiding the falling plaster), this one is shaping up to be the biggest, baddest and most boring paper-view ever! (EVER!!!). If you have any questions, comments or want to e-mail me with the results (I won't be watching it), drop me a line at [email protected].  And remember, if you heard here first, it's... Inside The Ropes.