"Let me tell ya somethin', brother. Guerrero was like a brother to me, brother. Even when he has a little-bitty Halkomaniac, brother, he idolized me, brother. He remembered the time when I picked up the 600 pound, nine-foot-tall Andrew The Giant in front of 90 million fans, brother. And brother, I promise you we'll meet up again one day in heaven, brother, and this time, I'll put YOU over, brother. No doubt about it, brother, Chavo will be missed by this business, brother. And whatcha gonna do, brother, when the… wait, what? Oh, brother." 
        - Hollywood Hal Kogan's touching tribute 
            to Latin Heat Eddie Guerrera.
 

Which is much more than I can say for his peers, which displayed only LOUSY and INSINCERE emotions this past week on Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw and Fri! Day Night Smack! Down.

I mean, what's the deal with The Best Show crying like a baby, when just a couple of short years ago, Eddie sprayed him down with a hose full of mud? And John Breadshaw Lagerfeld with the crocodile tears, trying to pretend like they were "really" friends? I mean, COME ON! WE KNOW BETTER!!! Plus, all of us here on the 'Net know that Kur Tangle still had legitimate backstage "heat" with Guerrera after he stole his gold medals; you're not fooling anyone, you bastard! Then you had Kermit White blabbing on about how he and Eddie were "like brothers". As if "Latin Heat" would actually hang out with someone from middle-class America!?!

At least Mean Eugene had the class not to make a big deal of things, laying low and keeping out of trouble…

In a completely unrelated story, World Wrestling Federtainment Incorporated Limited Corporation Limited LLC has implemented a brand new DRUG POLICY! Even though it's a dumb idea, because this isn't baseball or something where there are ACTUAL ATHLETES involved! It's just stupid fake pro wrestling! And the first time a wrestler gets caught with drugs, they get suspended! But the second time they get caught, they get murdered! And it will be the best drug policy ever!

EVER!!!

Anyways, what follows is an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED transcript of what figurehead president Vince MacMahon told the "boys in the back":

Vince MacMahon: Quite frankly, we were worried that this information would leak out to you all first, through informative websites such as Rick Scherer's Oldline Onslut.

Brock Lesnor: Don't worry, boss. I'll KILL anyone who tries to leak information out to the sheets!

Vince MacMahon: Perfect! So I have… wait, Brock? The hell are you doing here?

Brock Lesnor: I, er, uh… never left? Heh heh?

Vince MacMahon: I don't buy that for a minute! You're FIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRED! Now, as I was saying, illegal narcotics will NO LONGER be tolerated in this company, unless they're for my son-in-law Triple HHH because he needs drugs to hold talent back. Now, are there any questions?

Rod Van-Damme: Dude, can you spare us the lecture? I can't really comprehend what you're saying anyways till I've hit my morning stash.

Vince MacMahon: Stash? Wait, are you trying to tell me that you… smoke drugs?

Rod Van-Damme: Well, you see, it's not really… I mean, I'd prefer to… well, you have to… dude, look at the walls here; so many colors…

Vince MacMahon: Dammit! RDV… You're FIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRED! Any more questions?

Razor Raymond: Hey, yo. Say hello… to the bad guy! Vince Mac Maing, if you mess with me, chico, I'm gonna carve… you… up.

Vince MacMahon: Scott? I'm sure I canned your alcoholic ass years ago, but just in case I didn't… you're FIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRED! Any other questions?

Chris Masterpiece: (Stands up) I…

Vince MacMahon: You're FIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRED!

Randy ORTON! ORTON! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!!: Mister MacMahon? I was just wondering if you…

Vince MacMahon: FIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRED!

Randy ORTON! ORTON! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!!: … have any change for the candy machine?

Superstar Barry Graham: Vince, does it matter if we only took steroids years ago, before they were deemed…

Vince MacMahon: FIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRED!

Jake "Snakeman" Robards: My man, you don't want to mess with a snake. They'll get inside your mind and tell you…

Vince MacMahon: FIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRED!

The Goldfather: What about if you're only pretending to "light a fatty" as part of your outdated gimmick?

Vince MacMahon: FIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRED! All of you, you're all FIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRED! (Room starts to clear out).

Randy ORTON! ORTON! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!!: So, uh, does this mean you don't have any change for the candy machine?

Peep-Tacular!: For all of you freaks who are into "alternative" wrestling like ROH and that spotty crap from Japan, you'll be glad to know that an actual superstar has joined your cause! Say goodbye to The Christian… and say hello to The Christian's Cage.

Now that he's decided to join the regional NWA T&A (National Wrestling Alliance Tits & Ass) promotion, will "Captain Christmas" be the one to finally dethrone Double Jeff Jarrod for good? BANK ON IT!!!

Who's the Nerd commentating alongside Coach Man and Jerry "The King" Lawyer these days? If Poindexter is the best they can come up with, maybe its time for Vinnie Max to swallow his damn PRIDE and hire back Good 'Ol JR Ewing. Or even ECW's Johnny Styles.

Omigod - they killed Kennedy (KEN-NE-DY)! YOU BASTARDS!!!: As you all know unless you're idiots, we are just fifteen days away from WWE's 190th annual Surviving Series. Here is an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED preview of what to expect.

This all started innocently enough, with Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw promoter Eric Bischov trying to see if he could assemble an all-Raw crew that absolutely no one wanted to see team up. Mission accomplished with his squad of The Best Show, The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain, Heartburn Kid Sean McMichaels, Charlita Caribbean Cruel and Chris Masterpiece.

Not to be outdone, Smack! Down District Manager T.D Long has assembled five of the toughest superstars he has left on his show (that don't have previous commitments to wrestle on Internet Velocity): John Breadshaw Lagerfeld, Bobby Lashleroux, Deacon Bautista, Roy Mysterio Junior and Randy Orton! Orton! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!!

Look for the team of to come out on top.

For (probably) years now, Kur Tangle has been all "I don't suck. You suck! You suck! Talk to the hand, girlfriend" to his legions of adoring fans. This Saturday, he'll have to chance to win the one thing that his eluded him his entire career - some form of championship belt.

Tangle will have his in corner the adorable non-terrorist Kozro Khawsroe Kozziro Duhvari, but who will John Ceno have watching his back? Oh, hardly anyone… just a little something he likes to call his "Chair Gang".

WORLD LIFE!!!

These two were best of friends -- life partners, if you will, in the wrestling dynasty known as Revolution, until something came between them. Was it jealousy? Professional rivalry? Blind hatred? Or a sledgehammer shot to Flare's head?

While we'll probably never know for sure what it is, one thing is certain: there will be a match between these two. And one of them will lose by either pinfall, submission, countout or disqualification. Or when one of them is unable to continue.

… OR WILL THEY?

If you're one of these fans craving a well-planned, highly-technical, give-and-take spotfest, look no further!!! Look for Bischov to bust out his version of the Canadian Destroyer, but only if he can avoid Long's patented shining wizard, playa!

Okay, this match may not actually happen, but you've gotta love the pictures…

Sometimes, the world of professional wrestling goes beyond the limits of good taste. Shocking, but true.

In this case, you have Chris Benwah, who wanted to have animal sex with Bookie T's gorgeous wife Charlene, and even trapped her in his locker room at one point. Hopefully, by defending his wife's honor, Bookie T can bring glory back to the prestigious title and its legendary holders such as Canyon, One Man Gang-Bang, Bookie T and That Guy Who Died Like 15 Years Ago.

Expect Melita's henchmen M&M to interfere here and either kidnap or kill the lovely Tritch Stratus! But then Mickie Jay will run out and attempt to save her hero but accidentally kidnap or kill her instead! And then Queen Victoria and Candace will run to the ring, but instead of attacking anyone, they'll just make out! And then Jerry Lawyer will shout "PUPPIES!" And Joe E. Styles will screech "Catfiiiiiiiiight!"! And Coach Man will say "Why am I such a wad!" And it will be the best Girls Title match ever!

EVER!!!

This will mark the first time The Death Man has returned to WWE from a vicious attack since the last time he did that two years ago, or the time before that.

This return, of course, won't be about a specific match or opponent. It will be about plugging my new book. (Hey, if he doesn't do it, who will?)

That about does it for this week. Next week, I may just be guest-hosting Matt Horking's Raw Satire on Tuesday, and in exchange, Horking has agreed to pen MY piece-of-crap column. And from there? Well, keep sending in your questions, queries and inappropriate proposals so that I can compile an ALL Q&A EDITION OF ITR!!! And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.