Breaking News - Matt Hocking Quits!

OnlineOnslaught.com has learned that RAW Satirist Matt Hocking has quit Online Onslaught. Be sure to stay tuned to OO.com as more information becomes available.
 

Wow, it's so hard to tell what's a work and what's a shoot any more…

Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!) stepping up to the plate after Matt Hocking's shocking resignation.

Oh, come on people - this is wrestling we're talking about! I'll eat a bug if he's not back by the end of column.

Fortunately for me, Matt left behind his patented "Hockhiker's Guide To The Galaxy", so that I can figure out what goes in his little alternate Rawniverse. Let's get this party started…

Kicking things off in center ring is none other than Raw General Manager Eric Bischoff, who ain't a happy camper tonight.

Bischoff: Last night, at the Survivor Series, SmackDown made my Raw crew look like nothing more than Sunday Night Heat. And Heat made Velocity look like… uh, TNA. So now… I'm going to fire everyone on the Raw roster because, hey, it worked out so well back when I fired everyone in WCW: Cactus Jack, Stunning Steve Austin, Jean-Paul Levesque, Lord Steven Regal, Syxx-Pack. When was the last time you heard from any of them?

On cue, Hip Hop Legend Vince McMahon struts to the ring.

Vince McMahon: Yo, yo, yo, wazzup, my nig…

Eric Bischoff: Mr. McMahon! What a pleasant surprise! Uh, what can I do for you?

Vince McMahon: Yo, it's like this, dawg. Yo cracker-ass ain't nothin' but a failure, ya dig? You ain't never seen V-Mac bein' no failure. And your track record? It SUCKS, yo!

Eric Bischoff: (CoughxflCough) (Coughwbfcough) (coughwcwohwaitthatonewasminecough).

Vince McMahon: You wanna speak on that?

Eric Bischoff: Yes, yes I do. Vince McMahon… I have no choice but to say that… YOU'RE FIRRRRRRRRRREDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!

Vince McMahon: (snaps back to reality) Dammit, you can't fire me!

Eric Bischoff: Why the hell not?

Vince McMahon: You can't fire me, because… because… well, I've just amicably agreed to part ways with myself. I wish myself the best of luck in my future endeavors.

Wow, here comes Shane McMahon. Hocking picked one helluva week to leave us. It doesn't get any better than Shane O' Mac!

Sadly.

Shane McMahon: Hey, pops. Guess what? I've just reinstated you.

Eric Bischoff : Well then, Shane… YOU'RE FIRED TOO!!!

Shane McMahon: You just can't keep firing people who are higher up on the totem pole than you are. It doesn't work that way.

Eric Bischoff: Sure I can. In WCW, I think I fired Ted Turner once as part of an nWo angle.

Shane McMahon: No, no, no! You can't fire me!

John Cena: Yo, yo, yo! You can't see me!

Ric Flair: Fire me! I'm already fired! Fire me! I'm already fired! Woooooooo!

Vince McMahon: I'M FIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRED!

Linda McMahon: Um? I thought the McMahons were heels now? No? Didn't we all agree on this during our family meeting?

Eric Bischoff: You're fired, too.

Linda McMahon: Oh, that's just great.

(Ads)

Earlier on WWE Unlimited™, Carlito had this to say:

Carlito: Shawn Michaels, I'm cool enough where I should have been captain of the Survivor Series team, and now… wait, aren't we out to commercial right now?

Camera Guy: Yeah, but this is being taped for WWE Unlimited™.

Carlito: WWE Unlimited™? The fuck is that?

Camera Guy: Our Internet-only show.

Carlito: You mean that shit that only losers like Pyrofalkon watch?

Camera Guy: No, no, no, that's Byte This. This is WWE Unlimited™.

Carlito: Dass not cool.

Back to the match, as Carlito spits apple in Shawn's face! Which offends his religious beliefs! Because of the obvious tie-ins to the Garden of Eden! And it was the best fruit-spitting incident ever!

EVER!!!

Shawn attempts his patented super-telegraphed kip-up, when his left knee buckles, which he instantly blames on a group of 30 marines! Yes - the old Shawn Michaels is BACK, baby! But what of his mirrored chaps?

We go to commercials. I sure wish there was some kind of webcast where I could keep up with all of the action…

(ads)

If you watched WWE Unlimited™, you would have seen Shawn also injuring his smile during the commercial break. Plus, you can kind of spot Tajiri picking his nose in the background. I love the Internet!

What's worse than having to job after being hit by Sweet Chin Music? Having to job after being hit by an ultra-lame version of Sweet Chin Music. Shawn manages to find his way to the back while doctors attempt to surgically reattach his smile.

In The Bischoffice, Angle and Daivari confront Bischoff.

Angle: I thought I'm supposed to be the heel here. So why am I being cheered? Is Cena that bad a champion that he can't even get a face pop when I have the freaking terrorist in my corner?

Daivari: Dude, I'm right here standing beside you. I have feelings, you know.

Angle: Whatever. Bischoff, I want vengeance.

Bischoff: Vengeance? That was five months ago.

Angle: Shut up, dammit! I'll kill you, I swear! If you thought The Boogeyman was scary…

Bischoff: I didn't…

Angle: Look, just don't piss me off.

Jeff Jarrett: Hey, that's MY line, slapnuts.

Bischoff: Don't forget to watch WWE Unlimited™…

(Ads)

After some time-killing video recaps, we're back again in The Bischoffice…

Maria Tennyson Lund: Maria Tennyson Lund here with Eric Bischoff. Eric, do you think you're going fired tonight?

Bischoff: Who… who told you to ask that question?

Maria Tennyson Lund: My husband Jeb.

Bischoff: That drunken lout? The one who hates Randy Orton?

Maria Tennyson Lund: He also wrote an awesome foreword in Canadian Bulldog's book.

Bischoff: I hate that smarmy bastard. Tell you what, Maria, you're facing Kurt Angle… and it's on NEXT!

Maria Tennyson Lund: Can we at least have the match on WWE Unlimited™ so that no one will actually watch it?

Bischoff: 'Fraid not.

(Ads)

Daivari is your special guest referee - aw, damn, now this won't be a fair fight! No wait, WWE referee Chad Patton is holding his ground, and throws the shittiest punch this side of Lita. Which means our next match is:

Joey Styles: Catfiiiiiiiiiiiiight!

Daivari wins after his patented, uh, shove. Which means we're back to:

Kurt Angle: Wait, wait, wait. I'm not going to hurt you, Maria. Having the last name "Lund" seems like punishment enough (ba-dum-bum - CRASH! Thank you, thank you very much. I'll be here all week. Don't forget to tip your server on the way out.) I'm a gentleman. Except for when I forced myself on Stephanie McMahon. Or the time I tried to rape Sharmell. Or the time I sneak-attacked Maria.

Maria: Wait, this sounds like a trap…

This being Canada (Motto: [0] days since last federal government), what follows is censored. I'm assuming belly-to-back suplexage occurs. And then she's saved by… John Cena! AND THE CROWD GOES INDIFFERENT!!! Then we're treated to an appearance by Iron Chef Chris Masters, which can only mean one thing: WWE hates me.

Eric Bischoff: Seeing as how I have to take abuse every single week, you fans are also going to have suffer. Cena! Angle! Masters! Tonight!

(Ads)

A cheap plug for the new Shawn Michaels book. Don't worry about what the website calls it, it's really Shawn's book. Or at least someone with a similar name to Shawn's. Honest. Just buy my.. er, his book already and shut the hell up.

If you watched WWE Unlimited™ during the break, you saw Howler Monkey Jerry Lawler pleasuring himself to Torrie's dog. Ewwwww. He could have at least gone for Matilda. Now, there was a hot little number… and what kind of dog was she? Oh, that's right - A BULLDOG!!!

And hey, look, it’s the feud that never ends! They've done a variation of this same pairing for, what, the past 38 weeks? If this was the Raw vs. SmackDown 2006 videogame, and you were in GM Mode, the feud would have three thumbs up for sure.

Joey Styles: Beautiful in-I-zaguri by Victoria! Look at that overhead spinning kicksault by Boobsie. Is that a plancha by Torrie? OH MY GOD!!!

Coach: Joey, relax. It's just women's wrestling. We're not supposed, like, take this match seriously or anything.

Howler Monkey: Wait… they're "wrestling"?

Long story short… Mickie uses Trish's move and holds her belt up too. And Trish shrugs it all off, without seeing a swerve in her future, apparently because she's just the DUMBEST PERSON EVER!

EVER!!!

(Ads)

If you watched WWE Unlimited™ during the break, you would have seen Viscera chugging the remaining bottles of JR's BBQ Sauce. Hey, it's still better than what they're showing on TNA Unlimited right now…

Back in the Bischoffice (again?)…

Shane McMahon: It's getting late, Eric, and you haven't met your goal yet.

Eric Bischoff: Shut up! You're nothing more than a card-carrying member of the lucky sperm club.

Shane McMahon: Oh yeah? You're a future member of the Kiss My Ass club.

Eric Bischoff: Oh yeah? I'm rubber and you're glue. Whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you.

Shane McMahon: I know you are, but what am I?

Eric Bischoff: I know you are, but what am I times infinity!

Shane McMahon: Don't you dare disrespect me!

Hip Hop Legend Vince McMahon: Yo, yo, yo, who's dissin' you, boy?

Backstage, Angle and Daivari talk strategy…

Angle: I'm gonna teach Cena once and for all not to mess with me and my slimy terrorist referee.

Daivari: For the last time… I'm not a terrorist. And I don't appreciate the stereotype.

Angle: So anyways, we're gonna screw Cena over something awful tonight.

Masters: Wait a second, if we have this triple-threat match, it means that I won't get to do my Iron Chef Wresting segment tonight.

Angle: So?

Masters: Well, this would be the fourth time that Bulldog has written Satire without doing an Iron Chef segment.

Angle: Well, Matt's no longer here, so don't worry about that.

Masters: Can we at least fit it on WWE Unlimited™?

Daivari: Why bother?

(Ads)

Murdoch left Cade? Did I miss an episode of Internet Heat? Or perhaps every episode of Internet Heat?

As if I'm recapping this crap. Murdoch wins, which wouldn't even happen in most videogames. Ain't no stopping him… NAH!

(Ads)

If you watched WWE Unlimited™ during the break, you would have seen EXCLUSIVE footage of Ric Flair's road rage assault on some poor shlub in North Carolina.

Ric Flair: I took your old lady for a ride on space mountain, fat boy. Woooo!

Speaking of fat boys, Triple H has a live mic and that can only mean one thing: RATINGS GOLD!!!

Triple H: Flair, I'm a sensitive guy. You knew that from the moment we listened to our first Sarah McLachlin CD together. And so when I maimed you with a screwdriver last night, I spared no expense in getting you the finest hospital room in Detroit, with a plasma screen TV, dolby surround sound, theater seating, and I made damn sure that they had USA Network available so you could watch Raw, and then Spike TV so that afterwards you could switch over to TNA iMPACT.

Ric Flair (from hospital bed): That's why you're the champ!

Triple: Yeah… uh, anyways, I'm here to tell you that you're done, Naitch. Your time in the spotlight is over. We've amicably agreed to part ways. Go to ROH or something and feud with some generic pretty boy with a name like Daniel Danielson or some shit. And if anyone has a problem with that, speak now or forever hold your peace.

The Big Show, of all people, comes out. And he looks angry.

Big Show: Triple H, I've known you for a long time. I've let a lot of the things you've done slide, but I'm here to tell you, face to face, that they were supposed to be showing MY hot dog eating contest on WWE Unlimited™ tonight, but now, you've hogged up all the promo time. Thanks for nothing, you piece of shit.

Triple H: You know what the prob… (Show knocks the mic out of Triple H's hand).

Big Show: SHOW HUNGRY!!!!!!!!

(Ads)

Kane and Big Show vs. Tyson Tomko and SHNITSKY!!!

Sorry, Matt. But I gotta be me. SHNITSKY!!! is far superior a name to Abe Orton, and that's just the way things are going to be around here for a while. That said… I bet this show NEEDS MORE KANE.

How was that? Happy now?

If you missed WWE Unlimited™ during the break, you didn't get the opportunity to see Tomko and SHNITSKY!!! making out like horny teenagers.

Show and Kane win quickly, or at least I'm going to pretend they did because I've got to get to sleep shortly to wake up for work tomorrow.

(Ads)

The winner will be remembered forever as the guy who could make someone submit. The loser… will be known as Kurt Angle. Sorry, but after Survivor Series, who's kidding who? The champ is here to stay. Deal with it, marks!

Cena wins with an STF, a submission hold so lame that the only person they could pawn it off to previously was Erik Watts. He could have at least upgraded to Sgt. Slaughter's Noogie.

Backstage, Vince McMahon announces that next week, it's time to take out the trash. Crap, I knew I overstayed my welcome! What'd I tell you; I bet that means Hocking is back next week. Good night, everyone.

Next week: What Vince really meant was that Duke "The Dumpster" Droese is returning! Plus John Cena will face like all of Raw and SmackDown and possibly New Japan at the same time and still keep his title! And it will be the best Raw ever!

EVER!!!