"Goodbye cruel world. Don't forget to buy Canadian Bulldog's book." 
     –- WWE Referee Jim White's final words during 
          his 'shoot' interview on PPV last Sunday (Hey, 
          if they can be tasteless, why can't I?)

You may recall that, last year around this time, I presented the first annual edition  

And now, in the grand tradition of that, here's something I like to call:

Christmas Carols, If They Were Written About Modern-Day Wrestlers And Sometimes Didn't Exactly Rhyme II™

Enjoy the tunes, and be sure to sing along while reading this, even if you're at work (the boss won't mind, trust me):

(Sung to the tune of "Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer")

J.R. the old announcer
Had a very Southern drawl ("Bah gawd!")
And if you'd ever heard him
You would think he called football ("Slobber-knocker!")

All of the McMahon family
Used to laugh and call him names ("Like tubby!")
They never let poor J.R.
Play in all their backstage games ("Like Johnny Ace")

Then one dreary autumn eve,
Linda came to say:
"Even though I'm oh, so tired,
I have to say, JR – you're fired!"

Then they got Good Ol' Joey
The rest, they say, is history ("OH MY GOD!")
Jim Ross, he found work elsewhere
Announcing on Velo-ci-ty ("Bah gawd!")

(Sung to the tune of "White Christmas")

I'm dreaming of a clean drug test
Just like the ones I used to fake
I'd fill a cup, with my pee
Then switch it, with Ivory's
Oh, those lies, that I used to make

I'm dreaming of a clean drug test
I'd love to pass again this year
They can gloss over my 'roids
Or switch my piss, with Mark Lloyd's
So I can keep, jabbing needles in my rear

I'm dreaming of a clean drug test
Oh wait, I've got a great excuse
I can write some fiction,
A so-called "prescription"
And say my somas are for "medical use".

 
(Sung to the tune of "You're A Mean One, Mr. Grinch")

You're a mean one, Vinnie Mac
You don't just play a heel,
You're deluded as a junkie, thinking everything is real, 
Vinnie Mac
You're a bad apple -- one like Carlito would steal! 

You're a monster, Vinnie Mac,
We know you don't have a soul
All you care about is money, that's your only single goal, 
Vinnie Mac
If you could swing it -- you'd bury all your wrestlers in a hole!

You're a foul one, Vinnie Mac
You'll barely put over your kid
You have all the tender sweetness, of a garbage-pail lid, 
Vinnie Mac
You're only slightly more stable than… Sycho Sid!

 
(Sung to the tune of "We Wish You A Merry Christmas")

We wish you all the best in
We wish you all the best in
We wish you all the best in
Your future endeavors

Bad tidings we bring
You've had better days
Now that we've said we've
Agreed to part ways

We wish you all the best in
We wish you all the best in
We wish you all the best in
Your future endeavors

Just leave with some grace
Without any fights
And find a new name 'cause
We still own the rights.

We wish you all the best in
We wish you all the best in
We wish you all the best in
Your future endeavors

Go work in Japan
Do something worthwhile
Then come back when you have learned
Main event style 

We wish you all the best in
We wish you all the best in
We wish you all the best in
Your future endeavors

 
(Sung to the tune of "Silent Night")

Si-lence, crowd
Stop be-ing so loud
It's just TNA; don't act so proud
Maybe you fans are all hopped up on beer,
But freakin' Abyss doesn't need his own cheer
Just watch in heavenly pe-ace
Watch in heavenly peace

Si-lence, fans
Just sit on your hands
Quit your dumb chants, or we'll sell to the McMahons
Stop marking for dumb things like Monty Brown's "Pounce"
And don't get us started on that damn "Bentley Bounce"
Just watch in heavenly pe-ace
Watch in heavenly peace

Si-lence, drones
In the iMPACT Zone™
We know we're not big-time; please leave us alone
It's not that we hate you, we just really feel
We'll decide who's a face, and who's a heel
Just watch in heavenly pe-ace
Watch in heavenly peace

 
(Sung to the tune of "Do They Know It's Christmas?")

It's SmackDown time; there's no need to be afraid
It's still on the air; and the writers still get paid
And in our world of wrestling, we can spread a lot of lies
But can the writers make fans believe it, come SmackDown time?

Just say a prayer, pray that they'll want to see
At SmackDown time, The Boogeyman or dead referees
And no one finds this funny; it's a world of dread and fear
You wonder what the writers are drinking, 
'Cause it's sure as hell not beer

And yet SmackDown still gets ratings
With these storylines-a-flaw
Well tonight, thank God it's them, instead of Raw!

And there's no Al Snow or Mankind left on SmackDown (ohhhhh)
They don't even have Kurt, Cena, or Big Show
And with every lousy joke, you can tell this show is broke
Can they write a wrestling show at all?

Here's to Benoit -- maybe he'll be champion
Oh yeah, right -- we're just saying that, for fun
Can they write a wrestling show at all?

Write a show
Write a show

Write a show - one without lame comedy
Write a show - or the next one to off themselves will be me

Write a show
Write a show

 
(Sung to the tune of "Frosty The Snowman"

Brocky The Lesnar
He was called "The Next Big Thing"
Fulfilled all our fears, lasting – what – two years?
Then he left the wrestling ring.

Brocky The Lesnar
He was really on a roll
Then he wanted more than this wrestling crap
Like a ring from the Super Bowl.

There must have no talent
In his steroid-ridden frame,
'Cause when he tried out for the team,
They banned him from the game.

Oh! Brocky The Lesnar
Weaseled out of his wrestling deal,
Said to Vince McMahon, "I'm off to New Japan,
I don't care how that makes you feel!"

Thumpety-thump-thump, thumpety-thump-thump,
Brocky just wants to work
Thumpety-thump-thump, thumpety-thump-thump,
Even though he's a jerk

Brocky The Lesnar
Knew that Vince would sue his ass
Still he never ceased, to keep flying East
Where they don't care if he's on the gas

Brocky The Lesnar
Knows he'll have to quit one day
Then he'll wave goodbye, saying "Don't you cry,
I'll just go to TNA."

Well, that about does it for this week. In the true spirit of Christmas and Chanukah and (later on) St. Valentine's Day, I'd like to thank both Johnny ITR and Matt Horking for filling in for me so capably during my recent drug-related "issues"! And except for Pyrofalkon, I'd like to wish everyone the happiest holidays ever!

EVER!!!

Have I got something special planned for you all next week? BANK ON IT!!!

And, uh… thanks for the compliment!!! (There, that completes the catchphrase trifecta).

Happy holidays!