"Welcome... to WrestelMania! By the way, I'm an egomaniacal nutjob who is horribly out of touch with what the fans want!" 
       -- Vince MacMahon, WrestelMania III 
            ("Bigger. Better. Badddddder.")
 

So it's finally come down to this -- John Ceno vs. Triple HHH. The match everyone (including YOU!!!) has been waiting for. It's moments like this I wake up in the morning and thank the good lord above that he decided to make me a wrestling fan.

And yeah, Ceno ain't winning.

Canadian Bulldog's recipe for an awesome little main event dish: Take a piping-hot bowl of Olympic gold medal, (Kur Tangle), add a dash of real-life emotion stemming from someone dedicating the match to their dead brother (Roy Mystereo Junior), and then stir the pot with a generous helping of douchebag (Randy Orton! Orton! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!!). 

Voila -- you've got yourself some "Smack! Down Stew". Add garlic to taste. Serves family of four. Do NOT reheat. Mmmm Mmmm Good!!!

For years now, Vince MacMahon and Sean McMichaels have been feuding over which of them did more damage to the life of Brent "Hate Man" Hurt. Now, they're taking their friendly debate to the ring!

Look for Shane O' Max to run out to the ring and distract HKB! And then HKB will call out NWA T&A (National Wrestling Alliance Tits & Ass) superstar Stink, because they're both Born-Again Christian Cages! And then the two of them will fight the MacMahon family! But then Stephoney MacMahon will run and say that she's going into labor! So the match will get transferred to the lobby of a Chicago hospital! The one that they used to film "ER" and "Saint Elsewhere" in! And while Vinnie Max paces in the hallway, McMichaels will hit him with a superkick! And then they'll both fall down, but McMichaels will kip up first! Just like he always does! And then the baby will born, and the father will be... BRENT "HATE MAN" HURT! And he'll say "Triple HHH didn't screw Stephoney; Brent Hurt screwed Stephoney!" Which is a great way to pay off a nine-year old storyline! But Triple HHH won't care because it's just a storyline anyways, and in reality, Brent isn't really Stephoney's type! She more goes for muscular jerks! And then while everyone is confused over the sudden turn of events, Vince MacMahon will call Mary Jannetty from prison, and spring him on bail! But by the time he's out of jail and has signed all the necessary paperwork, not to mention traveled to Chicago, the match will have long ended! And it will be the best ending ever!

EVER!!!

Will The Ordertaker rise from the ashes to confront his toughest challenge ever (EVER!!!)? Or will Sexual Mark Chocolate add another notch to his undefeated streak of never losing (or competing) at a WrestelMania?

BANK ON IT!!!

For some unexplained reason, the "Rated E For Everyone Superstar" has a massive chip on his shoulders these days. But instead of taking it out on losers like Mike Hardy, ThEdge decided to pick a fight with former hardcore legend Mick Farley.

Hopefully, this feud will end the way it started - with Farley offering to get ThEdge and The Christian a round of sodas while they relax in their dressing room, because "Sodas Rule!".

Anything can happen in this type of match. ANYTHING! 

Mind you, I highly doubt that, say, Mike Hardy will turn into a Transformer (probably that bastard Optimus Prime) and start crushing his opposition!

Or for that matter, I wouldn't bank on Sheldon Benjamin getting a bucket of green slime on his head after he says "I don't know" a la syndicated television show "You Can't Do That On Television".

I also wouldn't expect Ricky Flare and Fat Finley to tour retirement homes in the Florida Panhandle with their brand-new musical.

Don't hold your breath for Rod Van-Damme to rapidly transform into a crime-fighting walrus, either. Unless he hallucinates it, that is.

And while we're at it, I really doubt that Bobby Lashleroux will spontaneously combust.

So I guess the match will be fairly predictable.

George Hackenschmidt. Lou Thesz. Nick Bockwinkel. "Whipper" Billy Watson. Eddie Graham. 

None of these people have ever held the WWE's "USA" title before. So why the hell does John Breadshaw Lagerfeld need to? Or Chris Benwah, for that matter?

No one is quite sure what came between these two, once inseparable chums.

One can only guess that, because all women seem to like pornography, that the relationship between these two ugly young women disintegrated after they found out that fellow Diva Candace Cameron was going to be in "Hustler" instead of them.

Yet, let's hope that for the sake of their friendship, and for the sake of Tritch Stratus's ugly boyfriend that can't tell the two of them apart, that WrestelMania isn't the end of a story, but the beginning of a new chapter in Tritch and Mickey Jane's relationship.

Look for the team of to come out on top.

Do you believe in miracles?

If so, "Boogey vs. Bookie" could be the match for you. Every year, WrestelMania produces one "dream" match for the ages. Last year, it was Hollywood Hal Kogan vs. Mohachmed Hussein. The year before that, it was... uh... well... Look, I don't remember, okay? It's because of an inner-ear problem I have that causes me to sometimes forget... uh... forget... uh...








My new book, "Thanks For The Compliment: Canadian Bulldog's Nuttiest Letters Ever! EVER!!!" is still available!

This bout isn't without precedent. The usage of pillows goes far back in this world of what we call stupid fake wrestling. 

The first such incident, according to historians, was in 1988, when "The Leaping Legend" Lenny Zybybybsko handed "Perfect Man" Kirk Henning a loaded pillow to help him win the AWA World Title.

A second incident appeared in 1993 during the WWE's "King O' The Ring" PPV, when a phony photographer threw a flaming pillow at Hal Kogan's face, causing him to be momentarily distracted and lose the title to Yozokuna.

Of course, the most famous incident occurred in early 2000, when booker Vince Rousseau told Double Jeff Jarrod to lay down and lose the WCW title to a large blue sofa cushion. And let us not forget the thrilling "TLCP" (Tables, Ladders, Chairs and Pillows) match between The Hardy Brotherz, The Dudley Brotherz and ThEdge and Christian Brotherz.

We can only hope that this match can live up to its famous predecessors.

So there you have it -- WMXX2 from top to bottom. I'll be back next week with something VERY special (okay, I have no ideas yet), but feel free to drop me a line at [email protected].  And remember, if you heard it here first, it's... Inside The Ropes.