Unfortunately, I spent so much time working on the slideshow that I don't have time to write a new column. Anyways, enjoy this slice of Classic Canadiana from EXACTLY ten years ago this week:

 
(Originally published January 28, 2000)
Inside The Ropes: Why WCW Will Never Die, And MORE!!!

"I am not a nugget. I am a human being! Woooo!" 
       -- Oren Hurt, Before He Died.
   

Welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED and HIGHLY INFLUENTIAL edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm Canadian Bulldog, author of a book that hasn't been published yet. We've got a ton to get this week, so let's hop right to it.

But first, I'd like to Publicly Apologize for the recent absence of Inside  

The Ropes. As you all know by now, the Y2K Virus has hit, and it's hit hard. My computer company called me on New Year's Day and instructed to not even turn on my old, infected computer, just ship it back to them and buy a brand new one. Sure, it kept me offline for a few weeks, and it set me back a cool ten grand, but at least I don't look foolish with a faulty PC on my hands!!!

And now, onto the news…

An open letter to Hollywood Hal Kogan, Big Sex Killer Kevin Nash, Scott "Last Hall" Call, Sex-Pack, Thee Giant, Trillionaire Teddy Beassey, Bodyguard Virgin, Eric Bischov, Mitchell Wallstreet, Scott Norton Utilities, Buffed Bagwell, nWa Fake Sting, Lex Lugar, Randy "Matzoh Man" Sewage, Stevie Ray Vaughan, Bryan "Kona Crunch" Adams, Perfect Man Kirk Henning, Rich Rude, Scotty Too Steiner, Dustey Roads, Brutus Beefcake With A Beard, Brent "Hate Man" Heart, Conan, Dennis Rodmen, Those Japanese Guys and Assorted Others:

It was supposed to be 4 life.

4 LIFE!!!

Peace, out,
B-Dawg
 

You say you want a revolution?: It's official. Chris Benwah, Eddie Guerrera, Simon Dean Malenko and Percy Saturn have left the safe, cozy confines of WCW, because of some comments that head booker Vince Rousseau Kevin Solomon Eric Bischov Big Sex Killer Kevin Nash Miscellaneous made about them. Hey guys, just because the boss says "you're too small to ever matter" there's no need to take it personally.

I mean, where else are you guys going to go to make an impact? Unlike your previous employer, WWF doesn't have a Vanilla Midget Title to chase…

And now that Benwah has given up the only world title he'll ever win, WCW officials have handed it to a worthy successor: Psychotic Sid. Here's hoping that Sid can bring a prestige to the belt lacking among previous titleholders Brent "Hate Man" Hurt, Bookie T and Hollywood Hal Kogan.

As a result of this latest shuffle, WCW has decided to send creative mastermind Vince Rousseau home so that he can, quote, "think about what he's done." According to reliable sources, higher-ups (read: Ted Turnor) were upset because Rousseau wanted to put the world title on UFC powerhouse Tank Abbitt. Come on, guys: it's not like he was trying to put the belt on HIMSELF. Or some C-list movie actor. Or JBL. Whomever that is.

In case you missed it, here are the results of WCW's Sold Out paper-view spectacular:

· Billy The Kid-Sized Man beat Simon Dean Malenko, Percy Saturn and Brick In The Wall. In three separate gimmick matches. Because WCW sucks ass.

· Madusa Blayze beat Ed Frerrara Pretending To Be JR. In a title match. See earlier comment.

· Fat Finley beat Ming, Brian Nobs and Smilin' Norman Screamley in a "hardcore" match. Yeah, okay. This is going nowhere fast.

· Simon Diamond Page beat Jeff "Buffed" Bagwell in a real, honest-to-goodness fight, because when you accuse your wife of cheating on you with some guy, you automatically think of fighting him on a WCW PPV.

· Terrible Terry Fuck lost the WCW Commissionership to Big Sex Killer Kevin Nash, because Nash didn't have nearly enough clout in the company before this.

· Chris Benwah exercised his creative control clause and refused to job to Psychotic Sid in his hometown of Wherever This Stupid PPV Was Held.

Get your tickets now, because we are just THREE MONTHS away from the theatrical debut of the Ready to Rumball movie. The film reads like a who-who's of Hollywood's Elite: David Laroquette, Oliver Splatt (this is starting to sound like something out of Mad Magazine), Zack McGowan and Bill Goldenberg are among those ready to shine on the silver screen. And the fact that it's being directed by That Kid From Head Of The Class (no, it's not Arvid; I checked) can only mean one thing: box office gold! Will this be the film to finally knock Blair Witch Project II out of the top spot? BANK ON IT!!!

And speaking of being ready to Rumble (~OMG TRANSITIONAL PARAGRAPH!), the WWF recently put on their annual Regal Rumble, which I just happened to win. Other, less important results:

· Triple HHH beat Mick Farley (the real, or "kayfabed" name for Mankid) in a "Street Fight Rules" match in which the winner had to spend 24 hours sexing Stephoney MacMahon-Helmsley Era.

· The Hardy Brotherz defeated The Dudley Brotherz in a Tablez Matchz when ThEdge and The Christian Brotherz brought out The Mulkey Brotherz.

· The much-anticipated Diva Search Bikini Contest was won by sexy young thing Mae Yung, who then showed off her puppies (FINALLY!) for the world to enjoy.

· Y J Stinger Chuck Jericho beat China and Hardwood Holly to regain the International Title. Here's hoping all three of these tremendous athletes are still active within the company, say, six years from now.

· Tazzzzzzzz defeated Kur Tangle. No, seriously. He did.

Speaking of… well, okay, I don't have a Cute Segue for this one, but ECF'NW recently held a PPF'NV of its own. Here are the results for their annual Guiltiest Charged show:

· The show opened with graphic footage of producer Paul Herman kicking the snot out of the network guy. No, not Cyrus DeVirus, but an actual executive from The Nashville Network.

· An impromptu match featuring Armish Roadkill and Danny Daring versus C.W. Andersen and Christ Chetti turned into an impromptu match featuring Armish Roadkill, Danny Daring and Supernova versus C.W. Andersen, Christ Chetti and Cid Cash, which turned into an impromptu match featuring Armish Roadkill, Danny Daring, Supernova and Mikey Whippersnapper versus C.W. Andersen, Christ Chetti, Cid Cash and Balls Maloney. The team of came out on top.

· "Mr. Monday In the Bank" Rod Van-Damme beat Saboo to win the prestigious Fuck The Fucking World Stupid Fucking Secondary title.

· Jerry-Lin probably beat someone. Asshole.

· "New" Jack went to a no contest with Some Gang Guy after jumping off a 30-foot balcony with a stapler and a pistol in his hand! And the table didn't even break! And then Conan came to ringside with his new wrestlers Homocide and L.A.-X! But then he got scared away by Bob Arm Strong! And then Arm Strong got stabbed in the head with "New" Jack's machete! And then that Fat Transit kid ran in and got revenge for his stabbing a few years earlier! Even though he was probably dead by now! And it was the best match ever!

· EVER!!!

· Jason Credible and Lanny Storm beat Timmy Dreamer and Ravin in a "dream tag team partners" match, even though all of them admitted in an RF Shoot Video that they suck!

· In the main event of the evening, ECW World Champion Mark Awesome beat Spike TV Dudley. No, seriously. That was the main event.

Wow, three PPV's inside of one month. Folks, it doesn't get much better than this…

With duos in WCW including The BlackBloods (Lord Steven Royal and Squawker Dave Tyler), the team of David Flare and His Crowbar (w/ The Screaming Slut) and The Marmadukes (Big Bad Vito and Johnny The Boar), I'm confident right now that tag team wrestling will never die.

Is there any team out there hipper than Two Cool? NO!!! Every time I see Grandmaster Sexy, Scotty The Hotty and Rickishi dancing on my TV, it makes me want to get up and bust a move of my own.

Can anyone tell me anything about this Pyrofalkon jerk writing game reviews for IGN? I don't even like video games that much, but I can already tell there's something this wad that I don't like…

Dead Man Talking: Everywhere I go -- airports, synagogues, crack dens -- people have been asking me what happened to The Under Taker. Sure, he's disappeared in the past, but usually only once or twice a year. This time, though, he's been gone for a while and won't likely return in time for WrestelMania X-2000.

With that in mind, I recently sat down and talked over the phone to The Death Man. What follows is the EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED transcript that may not be reproduced without the expressed written permission of Oldline Onslu… er, wait. We're probably not on that website yet, are we? Maybe WrestleLine then?

CB: Is this the office of The Undertaker?

UT: It's one of them, yes. How can I help you?

CB: Canadian Bulldog here. I'm just wondering when you're going to return?

UT: Errrr, return where?

CB: You don't remember? Wow, sounds like SOMEONE'S been spending too much time in the ol' bodybag, if you catch my drift…

UT: Actually, I don't. Are you looking for our funeral parlor?

CB: Paul Burier's talk show? Nah, that's been cancelled for years…

UT: I'm sorry. I don't understand your request. Are you looking to have someone buried?

CB: Thanks for the compliment!!! But no. What do I look like - Triple HHH?

UT: I don't know what that means. Also, you're on the telephone, so I can't see you.

CB: YO YO YO - YOU CAN'T SEE ME!!!

UT: I'm not following you.

CB: Yeah, that's my bad. That doesn't even become a catchphrase for three more years.

UT: WHAT?

CB: … and that one is still a year or so away…

UT: What, exactly, is it you are looking for?

CB: I want answers, dammit! Such as, why did you set your entire family on fire?

UT: It's called a cremation, and I have no idea how you knew about that!

CB: If you read Scoopscentral.com long enough, something is bound to rub off.

UT: Does this have anything whatsoever to do with a funeral?

CB: Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?

UT: Well, it is my line of business…

CB: Yeah, I'll bet you would like that! Burying all the top talent! Forcing EVERYONE to job to you at WrestelMania, even when it was clear that Giant Gonsalves should have gone over! Well, I say… NO THANK YOU, SIR!!! I'm going to sleep! This interview… IS OVER!!! (hangs up phone)

UT: Rest… in… peaaaaaaaaaaace.

If there's anyone out there you're dying for me to interview, wait about six years, and then email me at [email protected].  And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.