"(Canadian Bulldog is) the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be!" 
        -- Brent "Hate Man" Heart, 1999; 
              you probably just misheard what he said.
 

This week's column is a milestone. How so? Because it was THREE YEARS AGO on May 13^th that I published Inside The Ropes!!!
   

It seems like only just yesterday when I began sending in my columns (via telegram) to CZR's The Whinerboard! A few months later, Webmaster Rick Scherer began BEGGING me to jump ship to Oldline Onslut! And he asked me to throw The W's title belt in the trash can! But CZR told me I had to the time honored tradition and drop the belt in Montreal! But I asked them to do a schmozz instead! And then CZR double-crossed me! And if you asked him about The Message Board Screwjob Incident today, he'd probably act like it never happened! And it was the best career move ever! 

EVER!!!

To commemorate this landmark occasion, I have redesigned the official ITR website from top to bottom. Check out three years of ITR archives, plus my "True Wrestling Stories", book reviews, DVD reviews and MUCH more! Plus there's a chance to win a BRAND NEW IPOD MINI (not on my website, but I'm sure if you look hard enough somewhere else…)!!! 

Recently, I asked some of my closest friends and acquaintances in the IWC ("Internet Wrestling Corporation") to send along some well wishes for their favorite wrestling column. Because Star Power SELLS, BABY!!!

Note: These are legit "shoot" comments. The names have been changed; not so much to protect the innocent, but because it wouldn't quite be ITR without doing so:

Christopher Robert Zimmerman ("CZR"), former Internet something:

For the love of God, PLEASE don't tell anybody I had ANYTHING to do with ANYTHING related to "Inside the Ropes." I should have banned you three years ago and gotten it over with. The fact that you and The Jeblund are so chummy speaks volumes about BOTH of your respective characters - or I should say lack thereof. 

It will be a cold day in hell before you get ME to send YOU a quote for your anniversary column - and criminy, who the hell celebrates the *anniversary* of the day they started writing CRAP
about WRESTLING for FREE on the INTERNET **ANYWAY**?  I mean, *HONESTLY. 

I don't know what kind of scam you think you're trying to pull, but count ME out, buster.

Jab Tennessee Lung, The Obese Angle:

Among wrestling writers, Bulldog has always been someone who's taught by example. I can say with absolute certainty that he's educated me in more ways than he can possibly imagine. 

He's taught me to doublecheck the names of every wrestler and the facts of every show, and shown me the wisdom of running jokes by others to make sure they're funny. He's shown me the value of knowing your limits and recognizing when you're repeating yourself.

David Hillhorse, Wham! Wrestling:

James Guddworth, World Wrestling Lunacy:

What does Canadian Bulldog and Inside the Ropes mean to me?  What a question to ponder.   

At first, the obvious answer is that CB is just like the British Bulldog, only he's Canadian...and alive...and not a wrestler.  Come to think of it, he's nothing like the British Bulldog. 

What he is, however, is a great mind with hilarious articles and columns.  I don't know what we'd do on the site without him.  Whether he's producing top notch work under one of his many pen names like Canadian Bulldog, Derek Burgan, James Frey, or Brian Gerwitz, the man behind the Canadian mask always manages to impress.   

Happy Birthday, ITR.  I hope you get that train set you asked Santa for.

Matt Horking, Raw Parody:  

Ca… Canadian Bulldog?  I’ve never heard of the guy.  Wait, is he the guy who used to write the “Obtuse Angle?”  That guy’s a jerk.  Plus, I think he owes me, like, ten bucks.  No, that can’t be right.  That’s the Jeb Lunch guy.  I’m supposed to talk about this guy though, huh?  Well, let me see what a little ol’ Google search pulls up.

Ok, so apparently the Canadian Bulldog is a club for owners of British Bulldogs in Canada.  Apparently they were established officially in 1979, and they have a fine Geocities site to prove it.  Though their anniversary isn’t until next month.  Why the hell am I writing about this now?  Happy 27^th Anniversary, I guess. 

Wait… You mean the “Between These Very Ropes” guy, right?  The one who I constantly outclass with my wit and charm?  Look, that hack doesn’t know the first thing about parodying professional wrestling.  Ok?  I did it first, and I did best.  I mean SUUUUUURE there was Scoop This, and GH and Joe, and Hot Newz, but they were like the embryonic stage of professional wrestling humor.  They were the seeds planted in the meadow of the IWC that gave birth to the mighty redwood that is me.  And if I’m their baby, Cambodian Bullfrog, if that’s even his real name, he’s the guy that came and ate my placenta.  He’s the guy who comes to the base of my learning tree every morning and rubs himself inappropriately against my bark!  That guy, he’s not even fit to carry my soiled lederhosen.

Let me tell you a little story about the Capuchin Bullcow, ok?  So one day he posts this thing on a message board, and I’m all like, “Whatever, dude, you can’t see me!” and then I get this cushy job at some website, I think it was 411...or was it Rajah?  Anyway, that doesn’t matter, because the next thing I know, the guy follows me THERE too.  It’s like he’s stalking me, trying to sap my creative talents!  THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE PARODY CHAMPION BULLDOG!  DON’T MAKE ME CUT OFF YOUR HEAD! 

Sorry.  Sorry.  Seriously, I still think the guy is just Scaia in disguise.  If you decode the BtTVRs, they’re all love letters to Erin Anderson.  It’s the only explanation for how something so shitty has stayed in circulation for so long.  How that guy got a book deal before me, I’ll never know.  Shit.  You know what?  He’s probably going to hyperlink the word book too.  That self-promoting little fuck.  I hope somebody steals his catchphrase.  You know, “BRAKE FOR IT!”  Shit.  If I ever resort to using the same stupid catchphrases over and over again, just fucking shoot me.  God, I don’t get paid enough for this.

And another thing, why the hell are we celebrating his anniversary?  All we ever do for the Satireversary is get a cake, and that always gets ruined when Triple H starts bitching about it anyway.  God.  Seriously?  I hope the Shockmaster shows up and takes a big old crap right on his keyboard.  The ensuing key presses would be a Masterpiece as compared to whatever what’s his face was going to write.

No, I’m not bitter.  Actually, off the record?  I kind of like the old bastard.  I mean his TNA Column was brilliant.  And the One Night Stand Preview?  Off the charts hilarious.  Not to mention the ITR Horoscopes that he did.  Those were awesome.  Wait…I wrote those fucking columns. 

Pyrofalkon, Wad:

Canadian Bullshit has been insulting me left and right for months, but when it's all said and done, he's comes to ME to ask to contribute to his "column"? Considering this is his claim to fame, he would have better contributed to society by urinating himself to death whilst still an infant. Hack.
 
So... what does "Inside the Ropes" mean for me? Actually, it is helpful in my every day life. When I'm out of toilet paper, ITR is there. When I need to remind myself that I'm a better writer than 90% of the people in the world, ITR is there. When I have my lapses into optimism and think the world isn't such a bad place, ITR is there.
 
The Ass of Canada is a load his mother should have swallowed, and deserves to be kicked in the scrotum by Landon Donovan wearing a steel-toed shoe once for each Inside the Ropes that has been published. Further, he needs to give up on writing entirely and do something more up his alley, such as being an electric chair tester.
 
And Bullshit? Stop e-mailing me.

Jerk.

Mr. Stud Guy, Random Person:

Yeah, I'll give you a few words about the Canadian Bulldog all right! That jerk-ass nearly ruined my life!

When I was offered to co-host 'Radio ITR' with him, I was more than a little skeptical. I mean, why would I give up my job working on a real radio program on an established AM talk radio station to host a show with an incompetent moron who not only knows nothing about radio, but can't even carry on a half decent discussion about anything that might be somewhat interesting to the handful of listeners that are only tuning in because they have absolutely nothing better to do with their time! And, he kept getting my name wrong!  

Well, thanks to Bulldog 'handing in' a 'letter of resignation' on my behalf, I'm stuck doing his show with him (if it hasn't already been cancelled by now). So if the Bulldog wants some congratulatory words from me for his 3rd anniversary of doing whatever the hell it is that he does, he's going to have to make it up himself.

Webmaster Rick Scherer, Wrestleline.com 

Hey hey --
 
Thanks for reading Online Onslaught dot com! Unfortunately, due to the sheer volume of e-mail I receive, there's no chance that I'd ever be able to personally answer every one. But rest assured: I have personally had somebody READ every single one of them for me, and I appreciate all the great feedback and support!
 
So thank you, and keep on coming back to OO for all our great content such as CRZ's Recaps, Johnny Diavalo's controversial hit column "The Devil's Due," and widely-renowned rOOkie Jeb Lund's "Obtuse Angle," not to mention the rest of our very carefully maintained Non-Canadian Staff of Experts and Pundits talking about the very latest WWF happenings!
 
Later on....
 
Rick

Everyone -- thanks for the compliment!!! Wow, three years down; only forty-seven left to go. And now, onto the news:

An open letter to Joe E. Styles:

Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). I know how you and that douche Wade Kellerman always thrive on your fans' input, so please shut up and fucking listen to me for a goddamn second.

Last week on Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw, you flipped out and "quit" (yeah, right; we all know you're coming back in six weeks under a hood). But WHY???

Okay, so the office said you couldn't announce "main event style". Big deal! Just suck it up and you'll improve in no time.

I remember my first job like it was yesterday. My boss ALWAYS complained to me that I wasn't doing a good enough job. I can hear him now: "Make sure to write down the customer's Visa or Mastercard number!". "Don't forget to sell disinfectant and deodorizer for at least $18!". "Ask them if they're home during the daytime!". "Remind people that we don't guarantee spots and stains!". "For pete's sake, put your pants back on!". Et cetera.

But did I let Al get to me? HELL NO! I just learned how to improve at what I did, and it served me well for the next three shifts before I was fired for not meeting my "quota". Also I didn't write enough callbacks.

Mr. Styles, you would be well served to do the same (not with Abbey, though; they're out of business. I blame that jerk-ass George; always recruiting guys on his pager). I mean, what other career options do you have? ECW? I DON'T THINK SO!!! Like THAT'S coming back!

Peace, out,
B-Dawg  

Are You Ready?: It looks as though one of wrestling's most legendary stables is about to be created. And no, I'm not talking about Les Boriquas.

I'm referring, of course, to the original DeGenerated X duo of "Heartburn Kid" Sean McMichaels, Hunter "Triple HHH" Hart-Helmsley, "Eighth Wonder of the World" China and "Ravaging" Ricky Rude. Will these four renegades be invading the head offices of NWA T&A (National Wrestling Alliance Tits & Ass) anytime soon? BANK ON IT!!!

Mazel Tov!: ITR wishes the following wrestling couples happiness:

• WWE's Charlie Horse and T&A's Jackie Gaydar, on the news of their first child. Hopefully, people will treat it the same, even though it's an interpromotional child.
• Mickie Jane and Spirit Squadron Kenny, on getting engaged. Does this mean that she will leave Tritch Stratus' Ugly Boyfriend alone for a while now?
• Marie, the backstage interviewer from Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw, and independent superstar See 'Em Punk, on "gettin' busy"!
• Triple HHH and Stephoney MacMahon-Helmsley, on the birth of their first child. Which hasn't happened yet, but in case I forget to mention it a few months from now…
• Goal Dust and SHNITSKY!!!, on their unique new "friends with benefits" relationship.

Deal Or No Deal: Recently, T&A "superstar" Stink has been trying to trick Double Jeff Jarrod and "Papa Pump" Scotty Too Steiner into choosing a tag team partner for him at their next crap-ass PPV. Who will it be? None other than "Nature Guy" Ricky Flare!!!

Flare will show up at T&A's sound studio next week and say: "Stinker! You can trust me! Even though I don't work in this piece of shit company! And I always turn on you in the end! Wooooooo!"

Wow - Stink, Flare, Steiner and Jarrod in the same ring? Sounds like the type of thing that will launch T&A into the next century!!!

Letters From A Nut? AGAIN???: That's right, pal! I told you at the outset that this Anniversary Column would be full of surprises! Well, I didn't say that, per se, but it was definitely implied.

Here's a letter that has NEVER BEFORE been published. And just a quick reminder that if you like this letter, please buy my book, because I'm quickly going bankrupt, et cetera.

Dear Wild Samoan Seeka,

Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). Used to say hello to you guys at all of the old Allentown tapings. We were usually in the third row.

My question: I run a comedy club in West Philly known as "Canadian Bulldog's Laugh-A-Minute Good Time Comedy Warehouse and Eatery", and every once in a while, we have a night where professional wrestlers try their hand at stand-up comedy. We call it "Canadian Bulldog's Laugh-A-Minute Good Time Comedy Warehouse and Eatery's Professional Wrestling Amateur Stand-Up Night."

It's not even necessarily that the boys have funny material, but we get marks from all over the area packing the place up to hear their favorites tell dirty limericks, knock-knock jokes, that kind of thing. Our "roster" of stand-up comedians over the years have included Tony Atlas, Jay Youngblood, Dick Slater, Marty Jannetty, Jeb Tennyson Lund and... appearing next month... perhaps YOU???

We would love to hear your jokes, humorous stories about the road, and, when the time is right, you can deliver a jarring suplex to our master of ceremonies Matt Hocking. What do you think?

Please let us know ASAP if you can participate in Canadian Bulldog's Laugh-A-Minute Good Time Comedy Warehouse and Eatery's Professional Wrestling Amateur Stand-Up Night" or, as it's known for short, CB's LAMGTCWAE'S PWASUN.

Peace, out,
Canadian Bulldog

Hi Canadian Bulldog,  

I wanted to let you know that your email was received. My   name is Lynn, I am Afa's wife. We are located out of      Allentown however Sika is based in Florida. Sounds like you      have a fun act and I will pass the idea over to Afa and      Sika.

Afa is still very active with his wrestling school, WXW      wrestling and a non profit foundation called Uso's      Foundation. Siks is running shows in Florida but is not      working as active as Afa. I don't know if Sika would be      interested in the booking because he does not like to fly      that often anymore.

Afa may be interested in working with you if you can email      me back the details.

Thanks,
Lynn Anoa'i
Business Manager

Dear Mrs. Afa,  

No deal, Anoa'i! We only deal in tag team comedy these days! We're like the opposite of WWE. Anyways, if Seeka has the grapefruits to fly, let him know we'd be only too happy to feature The Wild Samoan Joes at our show.

Peace, out,
B-Dawg

And finally, here are SIX brand-new ITR trading cards, including the coveted 100^th card!!! Click here to see a slideshow of the entire "Series One" collection.

And here's the 100^th card…

Wait for it…

That about does it for this week. Well, it's been one helluva ride. Three years - who'da thunk it? Remember, if you have any questions, comments or hell, words of congratulations, drop me a line at [email protected]. And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes!!!