"DANG!" 
       -- Rob "Fharooque" Simmons, 2006. 
 

Why has it been, like, six weeks since the last Inside The Ropes?  

 
(A)         Still mourning the death of Webmaster Rick Scherer.
(B)         I kidnapped Webmaster Rick Scherer.
(C)         Backstage politics (read: Triple HHH).
(D)         Just working you stupid marks again.
(E)         Yes.

Actually, that's not entirely true. The "lost" edition of Inside The Ropes was FINALLY published last week. And it was a DAMN GOOD one --- go back and read it RIGHT FUCKING NOW!!!

Anyways, be sure to register your vote at the official ITR website (motto: "Mottos suck.") Oh, and here's how you stupid marks voted last time:

Who is the true "Champion of Champions"?

(A)         Jerry "The King" Lawyer - 8 %
(B)         That Guy That Won All Those Belts Way Back When - 11 %
(C)         Rocky Bellboa - 16 %
(D)         SHNITSKY!!! - 35 %
(E)         Yes - 29 %  

And now, onto the news…

Actually, there's no time for the usual misspellings, tired catchphrases and mayhem. That's because this week, in this very ring, I have stumbled upon, arguably, the biggest scoop ever!

EVER!!!

(Okay, that was the last catchphrase…)

You can't spell "Telavision" without the letters T-N-A: According to some of my top sources, NWA T&A (National Wrestling Alliance Tits & Ass) is getting ready to launch its very own video-on-demand service!!!

Imagine having 24-hour access to roughly four years of T&A footage, even though most of it sucks ass! Here are some of the programs and unique specials that will run on the channel known as:

Take it away, mystery host:

TNA. A company that has transcended the world of sports entertainment with its revolutionary style.

Hi, I'm That Guy Who Sounds Kind Of Like James Earl Jones. You may remember me from such as TNA iMPACT! voiceovers as "Samoa Joe: Revolutionary Samoan Warrior" and "A.J. Styles: Revolutionary Phenom".

Today, we are taking a look at all of the unique programs and specials that will be offered on TNA 24/7, a revolutionary new video-on-demand service. I get paid every time I say the word "revolutionary."

It's Jeff Jarrett's planet… we're just living in it.

Jarrett, a revolutionary star and future Hall of Famer (provided we ever start our own HOF) walks you through a string of five-star bouts against the cream of the crop in TNA, winning each match along the way.

Not enough Jarrett for you? No problem. The Revolutionary One… I mean, Chosen One, I mean, King of the Mountain, is captured in some of his most thought-provoking and revolutionary interviews and backstage skits. In addition, you're guaranteed to get at least one new hour per month of Jarrett yelling at the idiot fans in Orlando.

Watch Olympic Gold Medalist Kurt Angle prepare some of his favorite revolutionary dishes (he wasn't allowed to cook anything when he was in WWE, because Vince McMahon was too busy forcing him to become a drug addict). But now that he's been unshackled from McMahon and that bastard Triple H, Angle can use his unparalleled talents to make the greatest five-star dishes of all time. "It's tasty; it's DAMN tasty!"

Curt Hennig, Chris Candido, Malice, Mad Mikey and Road Warrior Hawk -- relive all the greatest moments from revolutionary TNA stars that went on to a better place (and we don't mean WWE!). 

From The Dupp Cup to feuding go-go girls, from wrestling penises to Canadian terrorists, and from masturbating midgets to VKM, host Scott D'Amore talks about revolutionary concepts and angles that "really should have worked" but in practice, not so much.

This month, we look back at Don Harris, Nazi Security Guard.

Classic, some might say "revolutionary", novels are retold with SHOCKING SWERVEZ placed throughout. This month, the Boris Pasternak novel "Dr. Zhivago" is presented, starring Senshe, So Cal Val, Homicide and The Phenomenal A.J. Styles.

Self-explanatory.

Don West, the official "voice of TNA so long as you don't count Mike Tenay", hawks revolutionary TNA merchandise and authentic TNA gear, such as a battery Christopher Daniels used to have in his iPod, and the very same T-shirt that Raven threw up on just last week. All at prices so low, THEY'RE OUTRAGEOUS!!!

Hulk Hogan. Scott Hall. Rowdy Roddy Piper. Jeff Hardy. Dusty Rhodes. Dustin Rhodes. Sabu. The Sandman. Paul London. Brian Kendrick. The Brown Brothers -- D'Lo and Monty. None of them work for us anymore, but you can relive their greatest revolutionary moments again and again on TNA 24/7.

Revolutionary X Division superstar Kevin Nash provides the laughs while stationed over in faraway Madagascar with Austin Starr and future Canadian Bulldog enemy Alex Shelley. It's a parody inside a parody!

Self-explanatory. AND REVOLUTIONARY!!!

A revolutionary new reality television show engineered by the originator of reality TV -- Vince Russo (honest; just ask him). Brother Ray of Team 3-D shares a house with Shark Boy, The Monster Abyss, Chris Sabin, The War Machine Rhino, Eric Young, Samoa Joe, Ms. Brooks and Konnan.

Guess what ensues? If you guessed hilarity… YOU'RE RIGHT!!!

In addition, TNA 24/7 will have exclusive (but not jam-packed) specials only available to subscribers.

This month, for example, TNA's top backstage announcer produces a documentary attempting to break the language barrier between himself and the moronic Orlando fans in…

In addition, what happens when straight-laced police officer Sting teams up with rule-breaking cop Christian Cage? That's right – REVOLUTIONARYISM, in this hot new made-for-television series:

Looking for even MORE total nonstop action? Well, unfortunately, we don't really have any, unless you want to see dreck like The Best of 3 Live Kru. However, TNA has secured tape libraries of several other wrestling promotions, ones that WWE overlooked (ordidn'twant). For example, we will be featuring: 

• XWF (X Wrestling Federation). With a roster that included Hulk Hogan, Jimmy Hart and Rena Mero, you can see why they called it "No Primadonnas Allowed." At least, they weren't allowed in during the two weeks this crap was in business.
• WWA (World Wrestling All-Stars). Andrew McManus promised to bring the very best wrestlers to pay-per-view, and if Alan Funk, Mike Sanders, Joe E. Legend and Larry Zybsko encompass your vision of "best", then he didn't disappoint.
• AWF (American Wrestling Federation). Take aging superstars such as Greg Valentine, Tito Santana and One Man Gang, put them in a "rounds system" of wrestling, and have them fight jobbers every week. The winners? THE FANS!!!
• RDHWA (Really Damn Hardcore Wrestling Alliance). They're really DAMN hardcore.

Add all of this footage up, and we think you will agree. TNA 24/7 is… revolutionary.