"Helllllllo, ladies. You know, The Big Valbouski has a lot in common with Canadian Bulldog. Both of us show up with something interesting from time to time, but for the most part, we're using recycled shtick that's we've relied on for years." 
     -- Val Venus, 1999.
 

As you all know by now unless you're idiots, it's been more than a year since I was last at WWE headquarters (and unlike VKN, I can actually talk my way in there).

Well, it turns out that they're at it again! Creating television shows, that is; not stealing my patented catchphrases! But they've given up on producing lighthearted comedies starring their goofy wrestlers! Instead, they're going to produce powerful dramas, "dramadies", and quasi-reality shows starring their goofy wrestlers! Even though NBC has a sign up at their front gate that reads "Do not allow in any dumb projects green-lighted by Vince MacMahon!" And they also have a sign up there preventing Canadian Bulldog from entering their facilities, but that's just because of a completely unrelated Animal Pornography Arrest. And it will be WWE's most successful non-football, non-bodybuilding, non-music, non-boxing, non-film-producing venture ever!

EVER!!!

So with that, let's take a look at some EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED plans WWE has to create new television programs:

Synopsis

Special Agent John Cenauer works for the Videotape Content Unit, West Newbury Office, protecting World Wrestling Entertainment from copyright violations on YouTube, and acquiring other video libraries from international wrestling dignitaries in Iraq, Syria and Memphis.

Cenauer has just one day in real time (well... "wrestling" real time, so figure on about four hours) to obtain the libraries of World Class Championship Wrestling, Ohio Valley Wrestling, the American Wrestling Association, and Calgary Stampede, while fending off threats of The Iron Sheik (who vows to "humble him by fucking him in the ass"), Nikolai Volkoff, Boris Zhukov, Soldat Ustinov, General Adnan, Ludvig Borga, Kamala, Kim Chee, Harvey Wippleman, Muhammad Hassan, Daivari, The Great Khali, Tiger Ali Singh, Lo-Down, Skandor Akbar and his terrorist cell known as Devastation Inc., while also recording a new hip-hop CD.

He, of course, manages to accomplish all of this in record time.

Excerpt

President McMahon: Quite frankly, Cenauer, we didn't think you were capable of pulling this off. Especially with all of your fellow Americans booing you like that. Yet you overcome almost-superhuman odds. How did you do it?

John Cenauer:

It's these terrorists, Vince; I know how to talk to 'em
If they don't respect me, they know I'll just mock 'em.

Sure they can take hostages; they can go stage a coup,
But how many of them can make lame jokes about dog poo?

I'm your number-one agent; a champ among men.
Did you miss what I said? I'll just shout it again!

I'll be this agency's top man for the rest of my career.
Who cares if you don't like it, cause The Champ… Is… Here!!!

Synopsis

The latest installment of the wildly-popular "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation" franchise takes place in one of the hotspots for highly-complex criminal activity: American Samoa.

Following the unexplained disappearances of Yokozuna, Afa, Sika, Make A Difference Fatu, The Tonga Kid, Rikishi and Super Hero In Training Rosey, forensic scientists Dr. Estrada and Dr. Umaga are called in to investigate.

Excerpt

Lieutenant Horatio Kane: We need to figure out what caused these scratches on his right arm. And don't say steroids again! These are Samoan wrestlers - NONE of them have ever taken steroids!

Dr. Estrada: Every-body lissen -- ha ha -- to me. My name ess… Armando… Elajandro… Estrrrrrrrrrrada. I present to you, my undefeated -- ha ha -- Samoan bull-dozer -- Uuuuuuu-maaaaaaaaga!

Lieutenant Horatio Kane: Doctor, do you agree with his assessment?

Dr. Umaga: DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Lieutenant Horatio Kane: How the hell did I land this job, anyways? Shouldn't there be a "CSI: Death Valley"? I mean, you've got "Death" right there in the name…

Announcer: CSI:Samoa, debuting on CBS May 19^th.

Lieutenant Horatio Kane: DON'T SAY THAT DATE!!!

Announcer: I mean, May 20^th.

Synopsis

Look, I'm not going to be discussing anything about Great Khali's anatomy, okay? Viewer discretion is DEFINITELY advised.

Synopsis

Wow, talk about outdated references…

This is the story of four one attractive drugged-out women man, gossiping about their his sex lives life, and the issues of being a modern-day woman man whatever.

Excerpt (from the TBS version)

Syxx (writing for his website): That day, I started thinking about Joanie again, and tryin' to figure why the **** she didn't want me to take my *****in' **** and stick it in her *******, every *****ing time she *****ed. I mean, *****ing hell, man; that's so ***** *****ed up! We're not even talking about used ********!

I'm able to ***** on my ****** for at least *****. I mean, it's not like I still have any **** trapped in my ******. At least, that I know of…

It was at that moment, I knew I had to type the following question onto my computer screen: Can men and women ******* without *****, upside-down in a ********?

Synopsis

Okay… if you don't see this one coming a mile away, then there isn't any synopsis I can present to help you…

Excerpt

Joey Styles: Our project today is ECW - a rogue, edgy wrestling promotion that has maintained a loyal cult following from stupid marks the world over. Our mission today is to have our panel of experts (Hollywood Writer Monkeys™) transform this company into a lackluster promotion with generic heroes and villains the fans can barely relate to.

Tazz: Hey, not for nothin', Styles, but I think you're gettin' "Extreme Makeover" mixed up with "Clean Sweep" or "Trading Spaces" or maybe that sissy-ass renovation show with The Guy Who Kind Of Looks Like Heidenreich.

Brad Armstrong: Hey, how would you know about those "sissy-ass" shows unless you watch them yourself?

Tazz: Shut up. How many pay-per-views did you headline?

Brad Armstrong: Shut up. How many times did you actually get paid to wrestle?

Tazz: Shut up. At least I have my own action figure.

Brad Armstrong: Shut up. I'm telling on you...

Synopsis

I'm not sure about the synopsis, if we're being completely honest about things. I've never watched "Kenny vs. Spenny" before, even though my sister bought me the DVD set for Chanukah. You can blame this on me instead watching "The Office" and "Arrested Development" episodes non-stop. Hell, I'm not even sure if this show is even SHOWN outside of Canada…

Synopsis

The program revolves around Vincent Kennedy "Vinnie" McMahono, the proud patriarch of the leading crime entertainment family in Connecticut. Having risen through the ranks by eliminating competitors, Vinnie controls the wrestling racket in North America, with the help of his family and associates including Silvio "Sergeant" Slaughter, Johnny The Ace and Pat "Big Pussy" Patterson.

Vinnie McMahno: Vince Junior, come here, I gotta talk to you a minute.

Shane McMahano: Wait, pops; aren't YOU Vince Junior? I'm confused now…

Stephanie McMahano: Also, weren't you just on another TV show earlier this column?

Vinnie McMahano: SHAAAAAAT UP! Quite frankly, I am Vincent Kennedy McMahano, and I can do whatever I want, dammit! Now, where's my right-hand man?

Paulie Quadnuts (Get it? Because his real name is Paul and he tore… aw, never mind): I'm right here. Who you need sledgehammered now, boss?

Vinnie McMahano: Not today. You know that TNA family? I'm gettin' kinda concerned about them.

Paulie Quadnuts: Yeah, some of their guys are invadin' our territory, sayin' they can take us. Even though they haven't even acknowledged Canadian Bulldog's challenge from last week.

Shane McMahano: You have to scroll down near the bottom of the column to see it…

Vinnie McMahano: No, not them. The other guy, the one he used to work for me. He had some kinda substance-abuse problem. What's his name again?

Shane McMahano: Raven?

Paulie Quadnuts: Scott Hall?

Stephanie McMahano: Scott Steiner?

Linda McMahano: Jake The Snake?

Vinnie McMahano: No, dammit! The guy with the fuckin' medal!

Shane McMahano: Oh… Kurt Angle.

Vinnie McMahano: Right… Maybe you guys need go get this Angle kid and bring him here so I can deal with him.

Linda McMahono: You gonna off him, Vinnie?

Vinnie McMahano: No. I'm gonna make him kiss my bare ass!

Paulie Quadnuts: Hey, boss, I been meanin' to talk to you about that. Every time someone acts up nowadays, that's how you wanna deal with 'em. Maybe we should start killin' again. You know, just to mix things up a bit.

Vinnie McMahano: That's it. Paulie Quadnuts… YOU'RE OUUUUUUUTOFTHEFAMILY!!!

Paulie Quadnuts: Suck it!

And there you have it. Seven (eight, if you include "Heidenreich On Homes") new programs, primed and ready for the fall season. Or possibly never.

Remember, if you heard it here first (even if you heard it here first more than a year ago), it's… Inside The Ropes.