"It's time, once again, for everybody to step aboard… the whooooooore train." 
     -- The Godfather Part Two, 1997
 

What is The Abyss' big fucking secret, anyways?

(A)         Can't swim.
(B)         Bakes a mean cannoli.
(C)         Used to be a chick.
(D)         Secretly afraid of thumbtacks.
(E)         Yes. 

Be sure to submit your vote to the official Inside The Ropes website (motto: "Now with ZERO trans-fat"). And here's how you stupid marks all voted last time:

What makes Friday! Night! Smack! Down! the best brand in wrestling today?

Very few celebrities - 6 %
The Italian guy in the dress - 29 %
Don't even JOKE about that - 17 %
Lack of injured wrestlers - 26 %
Yes - 19 %

And now, onto the news…

Taker Buries 29 More: A hearty ITR "mazel tov" goes out to The Classic Old-School Ordertaker Who Looks Exactly Like He Used To  

for winning this year's Rumble Royale, exactly as I had predicted here two weeks ago. But now that he's won the big event, where does he go from here?

Look for him to have "trouble" deciding which champion he wants to fight at WrestelMania XX3! First, he'll challenge WWE Raw World Champion Jon Cena! Then, he'll say he wants a piece of Undisputed Other World Champion Deacon Bautista! Then he'll change his mind and say he wants to fight New ECW Champion Bobby Lashleroux! Then he'll turn around and challenge NWA T&A (National Wrestling Alliance Tits & Ass) "champion" The Christian's Cage! And finally, he'll set his sights on Superball XLI Champions The Chicago Colts! But then all of them will team up to take out Taker once and for all! Except that it won't work and he'll Tombstone Piledrive them all to hell! And it will be the best Wrestelmania ever!

EVER!!!

Now that his leg has fallen off, have we seen the last of Triple HHH? YES!

Bam! Bam! Bam Bam Bam!: We touched on it recently in a HILARIOUS, off-the-cuff manner, but it can now be confirmed that former WWE superstar Bamam Bigelou died recently at the age of Something. While this probably isn't the proper forum to tell The Bammer's true wrestling story, I thought I'd pay tribute nonetheless by telling you:

10 THINGS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT BAMAM BIGELOU:

1)     During his pre-wrestling career as a bounty hunter, he helped Bossk and Boba Fett freeze Han Solo in carbonite.

2)     Was trained by none other than Jake "The Snakeman" Robards and his pet snake Damian.

3)     Official cause of death: He was having new fireballs tattooed onto his skull, but then by accident some moron at the tattoo store used REAL fireballs and burned his skull half to death!!! Completely to death, actually.

4)     The only reason he chose Lord Oliver Humpbackdink as his manager during his WWF run was because none of the other guys wanted him.

5)     Since childhood, had a long-standing crush on Pebbles.

6)     You remember how, one time in EC-F'N-Dub, he put Sand Man through the ring by falling backwards? Well, here's what you DON'T KNOW -- he was using a fake Sand Man!

7)     Remember his WCW stable The Threeiad? Turns out, one the members was gay.

8)     The reason he once sold out to Millionaire Man Teddy Beassey's "Million Dollar Company" faction was because of the money.

9)     If "WWF Wrestlemania" for Nintendo has taught us anything, he was able to bust out a mean cartwheel back in the day.

10)     He once carried NFL legend Joe Mantana to an awesome ****** match at WrestelMania 11, even though he was distracted by musical guests Salt n' Pepper, who were trying to sex him, and wrestlers like Nick Volkov and King King Bundy, and football legends like Steve "Mongoose" MacMichaels and Mike Ditka, who are also trying to sex him.

Are there problems brewing between "The Rated E For Everyone Superstar" ThEdge and Randy Orton! ORTON! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!!? Maybe!!!

As you all know unless you're IDIOTS or just don't care, we are just SIX DAYS away from the next NWA T&A (National Wrestling Alliance Tits & Ass) crap-ass paper-view Against All Odds (Take A Look At Me Now). The following is an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED preview of what to expect:

Main Event
The Christian's Cage vs. Kur Tangle
Special guest referee Samoa Jones

For weeks now (at least, I guess it's been weeks; haven't been really watching the show) Cage and "Troublemaker" Travis Tomko have been warning Tangle that they have someone lined up who will address all the lies that Tangle has been saying on radio shows about T&A. Who will this "executive consultant" be? None other than Mr. Perfect Kirk Henning!!!

Main Event
A Man Called Stink vs. The Abyss
Jailhouse Love Match

Stink keeps telling The Abyss that he knows what he did last summer, but manager "Father" Jim Mitchum tells him not to spoil the secret because he's writing a book about it and wants to have decent sales. So now… these two sexy warriors will take their feud to a real-life PRISON, where the first person to figure out how to break out of jail using a map they have tattooed on their stomach wins!

Chris Sapien vs. Jerry Lin
XXX Title Match

For weeks now (again, kind of guessing), Sapien has made fun of Lin because he's an old man and is too stinky to be involved in wrestling anymore. So now it's up to Lin to prove that he's not as old and smelly as everyone thinks, and that he, too, can be in those stupid Big Sex Killer Kevin Nash skits where everyone is either gay or racist.

Main Event
Team Three-Dimensional vs. LACKS
Tag Team Title WAR!!!

Look for the team of to come out on top.

Main Event
Baseball Guys vs. Other Baseball Guys
Special baseball game of DOOM~!

I think it's obvious that anyone who cares about baseball, such as very own Webmaster Rick Scherer, can agree on one thing: The Toronto Blew Jays are going ALL THE WAY this year with "The Big Hunt" Frank Thomas on their side. Wh00t~!

Main Event
One of America's Best Wanted and Gay Kim vs.
The Other One and Miss Jacqukelynine
Special Challenge Match

For weeks now, the former tag team champions and life partners have been at each other's throats, and for what? The love of a good woman? Pffft. Boys, boys, there's no woman alive (except for maybe Tritch Stratus... or ECW's Hot Vampire Chick... or maybe So Call Val) that's worth fighting over. Will these two grapplers "agree to disagree" on this, or will they not stop until the other combatant is destroyed? BANK ON IT!!!

Main Event
Kirstie Hemmey's in-ring debut

I expect her to fight Gay Kim.

Trumped: What the HELL is WWE figurehead president Vince MacMahon thinking, trying to match wits with Internet billionaire Gerald Trump? Sure, they're both smart, handsome men with a swimming pool in their homes that most of us only DREAM about having (or see at the hotel), but everyone knows that Trump is smarter. The guy has his own TELEVISION SHOW, for pete's sake!!!

With all of these flip-floppy cruiserweight guys on T&A lately, I think I've died… and gone to workrate heaven!!!

Cheers and Boos: I started this new feature two weeks ago to a tremendous response (e.g. none whatsoever). So let's keep it going!!!

CHEERS to L'il Bastard for handling his recent scrape with Boogey Man with grace, respect and dignity. You'll get your revenge yet, you lovable midget!

BOOS to The Heartburn Sean McMichaels for handling his recent challenge to Jon Cena with grace, respect and dignity.

CHEERS to the new tag team of Douche and Domino's for bringing a little grace, respect and dignity to the tag team division on WWE's Friday! Night! Smack! Down!

BOOS to Bamam Bigelou for dying (see earlier comments). Wrestling NEEDED you, my friend. Thanks for letting so many of us down!!!

Recently, I had the opportunity to sit down and talk over the phone with newcomer Montel Vivantious Porterhouse (a/k/a VIP). What follows in an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED transcript that may not be reprinted without the expressed written consent of OO Hall of Famer Jeb Tennyson Lund:

CB: Is this VIP?

VIP: Don't you mean MVP?

CB: Sure. Whatevs.

VIP: Because this is Peyton Manning, and I was just named MVP of the Super Bowl.

CB: Thanks for the compliment!!! Question number one: How did you feel, getting burned by Kain recently?

VIP: I feel I did get burned by a lot of the critics, though I don't know who this Kane fellow is.

CB: Okay, shut up. Question number two: What's with all the "bling" on your costume?

VIP: My Super Bowl ring?

CB: I don't know what you kids call it. Fine, your "superball ring"...

VIP: Bowl!

CB: No, I haven't bowled in years. I have a friend who bowls on a team with senior citizens. But we're getting off a little off-topic here...

VIP: Yes, I agree. Anyways, I'm just waiting from a phone call right now from the President, so...

CB: You mean T.D. Long? He's actually more of a figurehead commissioner than a president. And besides, he'll probably just say something like "You gotta fight Kain again, playa, if you wanna keep your job. Buhlee dat!"

VIP: But I like my job.

CB: "Holla, holla! Ya feel me?"

VIP: I… guess so…

CB: Don't be givin' me Haterade, son! This interview… IS OVER!!! (Hangs up phone)

VIP: Haterade? Most players get Gatorade tossed on them, or at least an endorsement deal with Nike, after they MVP a Super Bowl. I get this shit…

Finally, I have included in this week's column five BRAND NEW ITR trading cards for you and your children to savor. Enjoy!

Well, that about does it for this week. If you've got any questions, compliments for recipes for me, send them care of [email protected] (allow 4-6 weeks for delivery). And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.