by Denny Burkholder
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

The first verse isn't too troubling: "Should auld acquaintance be forgot." That is pretty straightforward. Just one sketchy word in there, and it can be reasonably assumed - with minimal knowledge of the Scottish language - that auld means old. "Should old acquaintance be forgot . da da dum, da dun dun DUNN!" From there, you can have lots of fun filling in your own made up verses about your ex-girlfriend, or your favorite illegal hobby. There is no disputing the first line, though.

Should aulde acquaintance be forgot? Hmmm. let's check out some of these "old acquaintances," and you can judge for yourself:

Kim Chee - The masked handler of Kamala that always dressed as if he were on some kind of jungle safari (in the middle of a hockey arena in middle America, no less), Kim Chee is one of the all-time great acquaintances, in this writer's opinion. Not because he was affective as a meddling manager or verbose on the microphone. Just for being so damn shady about his identity. Was he ashamed to be Kamala's keeper? Or was he wrestling later in the card under a different guise, and didn't want his cover blown (I'm looking at you, Lombardi)?  

Slick - Aw, you GOT to respect The Slickster! That man was far more ballsy than he ever got credit for. He was wiry and thin, yet he had no qualms about interfering on his charge's behalf, even if it meant Hulk Hogan or Bam Bam Bigelow would smack him around the ring like a tetherball. He danced like a goof at Wrestlemania III before a gigantic live crowd, dressed like Jiminy Cricket's pimp daddy alter ego, knowing by the end of the match he'd have his clothes torn off and be sent scurrying for safety while everyone laughed. Yet "The Doctor of Style" plugged onward, and left the WWF with a gift that will last the ages: "Jive Soul Bro." All hail The Slickster.

Marty Jannetty - A damn fine wrestler when he wants to be, Marty Jannetty will forever be remembered as the acquaintance of Shawn Michaels in The Rockers. He'll also be remembered for having his head slammed through the Barber Shop window to begin Michaels' rise to singles glory.

Damien, Frankie, Matilda, and Steamboat's "Dragon" - Now with all those animals crawling (slithering, flapping) around the locker room and guys like Jake Roberts, Davey Boy Smith and Roddy Piper milling around, do you honestly believe that no animals were harmed during the making of WWF TV in the 1980s? Piper confessed in an interview last year that the reason Matilda used to attack Jimmy Hart so viciously before matches was because he and Don Muraco used to give her steroids, which combined with Hart's incessant megaphone to drive the dog bonkers. I wonder how many versions of Frankie there have been, anyway. Plop, plop, fizz, fizz .

Bob Orton - Fell directly into the black hole of WWF lackeys when he was paired up with Piper in the mid-1980s. Oh ,but that bit with the cast was golden. If all goes well for son Randy, his dad will be remembered as an acquaintance of one more WWF star.

Mr. T - One of Hogan's original WWF acquaintances, who probably deserves more credit than he gets for helping start the mid-80s wrestling boom (although he was never technically a wrestler). Mr. T was monstrously popular in the early-mid 80s, and I'm sure plenty of future Hulkamaniacs started watching wrestling because that guy from The A-Team (and that singer with funky hair) kept showing up at the Garden for WWF shows.

Arn Anderson - This is one acquaintance that should NEVER be considered a "lackey," but a solid go-to guy for one of the best ever, Ric Flair. And it takes a guy like Flair to overshadow a wrestler of Arn's talent, because "The Enforcer" was no certainly no pushover. Arn would have been a star regardless of Flair, or Tully, or the other Horsemen, because he was that good. But as a unit, the Four Horsemen were bound to be legendary. Arn obviously recognized that, swallowed his pride, and fell into his role as a Horseman. To this day in the WWF, Ol' Double A can be found right at the side of The Nature Boy. I think we all should have friends so loyal.

Hillbilly Jim - Another 80s acquaintance of The Hulkster, Hillbilly Jim apparently made lots of friends in the WWF, because he still does the occasional promotional date for them, years after he stopped wrestling regularly. But you do have to question why Vince McMahon would figure a hillbilly made a good sidekick for Hulk Hogan. Well, I guess they couldn't just call him "Jim Morrison." Then he would have overshadowed Cyndi Lauper for sure.

Akeem - Akeem saw his best days as One Man Gang in the old UWF and in his early WWF tenure. It all came to a screeching halt when they repackaged him as Akeem, The African Dream (hailing from "Deepest, Darkest Africa"). From then on, Akeem was doomed to be remembered as the acquaintance of the more threatening Big Boss Man. Hell, I'd even say Akeem was overshadowed by Slick most of the time.

Typhoon - The smaller and less imposing Natural Disaster, along side Earthquake. Still occasionally acquaints himself with Earthquake at the big guy's indy shows in central Florida. Prefers to be called "Typhoon" over any of his other past gimmick names. If you really press him, he may even let you call him "Tugboat." But I'd be SHOCKED if he'd let it go any further than that.

Missy Hyatt - Acquainted herself with several wrestlers over the years.  

Rocky King - Acquainted with The Freebirds (Hayes & Garvin) very briefly in the NWA/WCW, in what would be the only thing remotely close to a push that he ever received.

Jason ("The Sexiest Man Alive") - Acquainted with Justin Credible in ECW. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

And while we're discussing ECW.

Chastity - Acquainted with Raven in ECW and Hak (Sandman) in WCW. Also got very well acquainted with some mook in a porno movie prior to her wrestling career.

Beulah McGillicutty - Acquainted with Tommy Dreamer and Raven in ECW. Helped acquaint Bill Alfonso with a foreign object in one of ECW's bloodier classics. And, like Chastity, briefly acquainted herself with the porn industry. E-C-DUB! E-C-DUB! Ahem.

Rocco - Acquainted with the Legion of Doom in the WWF in 1991 when it was decided that Animal and Hawk needed a ventriloquist dummy in their corner. Better acquainted with "Precious" Paul Ellering, whose hand spent plenty of time up Rocco's posterior.

Jameson - Acquainted with the Bushwhackers in the early 1990s when it was decided the Bushwhackers, by themselves, were not quite dorky enough.

Jose Lothario - "Super Sock" was but a trivia question to most "New Generation" fans  in the mid-90s, until new WWF champ Shawn Michaels publicly acknowledged Lothario as his original trainer and the WWF involved him in some major angles.

And to top things off, two men who made solid careers from being acquainted with greatness:

Virgil - "The Million Dollar Man's" trusty bodyguard who always looked as though he might make a good wrestler (because he was one), but he was never as affective in the ring as he was as a lackey for Ted DiBiase. His later stint as Vincent in the New World Order cemented his place in wrestling stooge history.

Brutus Beefcake - Brother Bruti almost invariably followed wherever The Hulkster went. Whether you prefer to call him Zodiac, Booty Man, The Barber, The Butcher, The Man With No Name, or The Disciple, Beefcake could always rest easy on one fact: wherever Hulk Hogan went, there would always be a cushy spot on the roster for him, too.

Should these old acquaintances be forgot, revered, or treated with indifference? You decide. And if you'd like to throw in a few names that I left out, feel free to drop me a line.

Have a happy and safe New Year.

E-MAIL DENNY
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