by Denny Burkholder  
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

The next time you accuse Lita of bad acting, be thankful she's better than Mount Fiji. As horrible as you might think Jazz is on the microphone, she's eons better than The Soul Patrol. And if you thought the WWF's Divas: Sex on the Beach special on UPN was cheesy, just imagine if all those pretty ladies started RAPPING spontaneously.

Welcome to 1988, and a randomly selected episode of GLOW: Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling. Think of it as a much cornier version of 2000-2001's Women of Wrestling (WOW) promotion, complete with David McLane - but with much cheesier humor, far worse production, and less concentration on good wrestling matches. But at least they had Ivory!

We open the show with our host, SIR MILES HEADLOCK ("Ma-Ma-Miles"), the "world's first computerized wrestling commentator." Neon beams race past him in the background. He's wearing a cheesy bowtie, plaid shirt and suit coat, and has plastic yellow hair. Yep, he's a Max Headroom rip-off. And not only does HE laugh at his own jokes, but GLOW goes the extra mile and adds a laugh track. Because you know, WE can't be trusted to know when we're supposed to laugh.

"As a matter of fact, my whole family is computerized, including my big brother and my trans-sister! HA HA HA HA! (Canned laughter) In this age of advanced technology, it is only natural that GLOW has chosen me to serve as your announcer. And I promise you more fun and excitement than a three-ring CIRCUIT! HA HA HA HA! (Canned laughter) I have a very extensive background in sports. My old girlfriend was a scoreboard. (Canned laughter) But what can you expect from a computer date! HA HA HA HA! (Canned laughter) Joining me for today's matches is MISS SPIRIT." (Camera pans back to show Miss Spirit) "Sir Miles, you can call me Susie!" "I see." "Not 'I see,' SUSIE." "Oh, say?" "Not so, SUE. See?" "Yes. Say, Sue, so you see, I see Susie? HA HA HA HA!" "By George, I think he's got it!" "As you can see so, Susie, we have a very 'spirited' show today." "With 'MILES' to go!" "Oh, so?" "Are you gonna start that again?" "I shouldn't say so, Sue." "Good. Because you see, if I see you say 'Oh so, I see' or so, I'LL SUE!" (Canned laughter) "Good-bye!" (Miles evaporates) "How do you like that? He didn't even say 'So see you soon, Sue.' That so-and-so!" (Canned laughter)

It's only getting started, folks. Hang in there. We haven't even made it to the. . . .

OPENING CREDITS. 

AND NOW, from the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas, Nevada, another thrilling, action-packed hour of GLOW! (Opening credits with voiceover of today's matches, and scenes of a break- away chair shattering, referee thrown out of a battle royal, David McLane getting water all over himself, a gratuitous crotch shot of a shapely, unidentified woman mounting the top rope, and more).

DAVID McLANE is in the "GLOW Offices," which amounts to a phone booth on the sidewalk. A crudely fashioned sign on the booth says "David McLane - Pres." (Canned laughter) McLane is on the phone. "Hello, Palestina? You're in big trouble now! I just got off the phone with the airlines and they refuse to let you travel with them. That's right - you can't take another plane until you bring the LAST ONE BACK!" (Canned laughter, and McLane hangs up)

EVERYBODY'S DOING THE GLOW SHUFFLE: 

All the ladies and David McLane are in the ring dancing (in character), clapping on 2 and 4, and rapping to a1980s synthesizer beat, Chicago Bears style. A few of the ladies are singled out for close-ups and a graphic of their names: The first is TINA FERRARI, the diva currently known as Ivory in the WWF. She wore a purple outfit similar to her early WWF ring wear, except with a WHOLE LOT of hair spray and tons of purple sparkly makeup at the edges of her eyes. Also in the close-ups: VINE (tag partner of HOLLYWOOD, best compared to Joan Jett or a 1980s prototype of WOW's Riot), SUSIE SPIRIT (a black-haired, homely prototype of WOW's Patti Pizazz), HEADHUNTER (think "Kamala mates with Ms. Garrett from The Facts of Life"), MATILDA the HUN (pretty self-explanatory), DEMENTIA (Exorcist knock-off, blowing bubbles from a wand and holding a bloody axe), and MOUNT FIJI.

"The Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling, 
We're all champions in the ring, 
We come from the street, we come from the city, 
We come from a world where there is no pity. 
Slam, bam, it's the wrestling jam! 
Come on, ladies! Give us a hand! 
With big bad battles in the ring, 
We're gonna have fun and do our OWN thing!"

HANDICAP MATCH: PALESTINA & ATTACHE vs. MOUNT FIJI (with her attractive sister LITTLE FIJI).

Palestina is a Syrian terrorist carrying a big sword and wearing a bigger headband. Attache is American, but we know from the butch haircut and camouflage that she's badass. Mount Fiji is announced as weighing "over 350 lbs." by McLane. GLOW had this annoying habit of starting up the 80s synthesizer beat during the match and showing an inset of a particular lady doing her own verse of the GLOW Shuffle. This time, it's Fiji.

MOUNT FIJI RAP: 
"I am Mountain Fiji, I love to sing, 
I'm the giant in the ring, 
I am a lady of the 80s, I love to rap, 
To my opponents, I just go 'ZAP'!" 
(And all the other women go "WOO!")

Match is joined in progress: Attache chokes Little Fiji from behind. Mount Fiji saves her and gets choked out by Palestina's gigantic handband as a result. Heh. FOREIGN object! Jesus, now I'M telling lame jokes. Anyway, Fiji gasps for air while Palestina screams bloody murder. Fiji escapes, backs Palestina into a corner, grabs her by the nose and knuckle-slaps her. Attache is busy tying Little Fiji to the corner, and gets it done before Mount Fiji grabs HER nose. Piggyback sleeper by Palestina on Mount Fiji. She rakes Fiji's eyes and lets the sleeper go, bends over, and runs head first into Fiji's gut. Fiji won't fall down. Attache puts on her combat helmet and thrusts HER head into the midsection of Fiji. No dice. Attache and Palestina trade the helmet and take turns ramming their heads into Fiji's gut, and right about now this match is EXTREMELY FALLIC. We've got two butch women in helmets ramming an overweight Hawaiian in the gut repeatedly while a really attractive Hawaiian helplessly looks on, tied to the corner. McLane is a twisted man. Attache and Palestina go for the double arm wringer, and Mount Fiji escapes with two kneelifts. Palestina whips out a plastic bag and starts throwing handfuls of sand at Fiji, and HERE COMES THE SYNTHESIZER.

PALESTINA RAP: 
"People know me from near and far, 
I'll cut you with my [inaudible. I'm gonna go with 'jelly jar'], 
That's right - the desert rat is back, 
And in your skull I'll put a crack!"

So everyone's punching each other. Mount Fiji throws Attache to the corner to which Little Fiji is tied. Hands tied behind her, Little Fiji grabs Attache in a body scissors. Mount Fiji head butts and clotheslines Palestina. Attache punches Little Fiji in the gut and charges at Mount Fiji with boots to the gut. OK, that's the LAST part of Mount Fiji I'd be attacking, but whatever. Mount Fiji no-sells and back body drops Attache. She dumps Palestina out of the ring, and now's as good a time as any for THE MOTHER OF ALL SYNTHESIZER MUSIC:

ATTACHE RAP: 
"I'll beat you, stab you, and kick you too, 
It won't be long before I'm through, 
Then you won't think that I'm so odd, 
I'm meaner than a firing squad!"

Mount Fiji gorilla slams Attache over the top rope, and I guess battle royal rules apply in GLOW handicap matches, because the bell rings. WINNER: Mount Fiji.

HOLLYWOOD & VINE vs. THE SHOWGIRLS (BAMBI & BABETTE).

The Showgirls are quite obviously men in drag, wearing bad wigs and prancing around in bright red leotards with feathered boas across their shoulders. McLane announces them as GLOW's newest tag team "from the hot new Las Vegas revue 'Viva Le Girls'". Hollywood and Vine are definitely female, despite Hollywood's upper body endowment indicating otherwise. They are managed by the robust Aunt Kitty. They're also accompanied by THAT DAMNED SYNTHESIZER.

HOLLYWOOD RAP: 
"Hollywood and Vine, we are so fine, 
We'll beat your butts ANY time, 
I love to ROCK, I love to ROLL, 
When I'm in the ring, I take control!"

VINE RAP:

"My name is Vine, I can't be beat, 
With Hollywood, I rule the streets, 
Just watch us when we do our thing, 
We're down and dirty in the ring!"

Vine kicks Bambi in the back and they circle. Bambi corners Vine and kisses her. Vine tries a full nelson, but isn't tall enough to lock it in. Vine whips Bambi to the corner. Stomp and lateral press, reversed by Bambi, who kisses Vine again. I see where THIS is going. Vine is all grossed out and tags in Hollywood. Bambi tags in Babette. Babette presses Hollywood into the air, flips her down, and kisses her. Vine tags in and tries a spinning heel kick, but gets caught by Babette Babs carries Vine to his corner where she is tickled by the Showgirls. Vine screams. Probably not the reaction the Showgirls were going for.

Vine tries kicking Babs away and gets further molested in the corner. AND IT'S A MELEE as all four, um, LADIES are now in the ring. Vine and Hollywood hiptoss the Showgirls, then stop to celebrate this magnificent achievement. As they cheer for themselves, they get molested YET AGAIN. Hollywood and Vine pull the wigs off the Showgirls, and well I'LL BE DAMNED, THOSE are DUDES! Apparently pulling someone's wig off in GLOW is a victory, because Hollywood and Vine are declared the winners. Or maybe it was a DQ victory due to the Showgirls carrying the ultimate foreign objects in their trunks. Either way, David McLane is highly pissed off and gets in the ring to make sense of this travesty.

David McLane is all "BABS'S UVULA WHO?" and declares, for those who missed the punchline, that The Showgirls are actually Showguys. He calls them a disgrace. It turns out all they wanted was a date with Hollywood and Vine. The girls talk it over and get back in the ring. They jump up and down and hug the Showgirls, very happy to go on a date with them. They leave the ring all giddy-like, waving and blowing kisses to the Showgirls. Here's where it gets hilarious: The Showgirls realize that Hollywood and Vine pick-pocketed their wallets during all the hugging! Typical. . . .

After commercials, we get a full segment of skits, one-liners, and Hee-Haw style Cornfield County knee-slappers. Interspersed, of course, with THAT SOUL- SUCKING SYNTHESIZER CRAP.

ANGEL RAP (Denny's Note: ECW fans, this isn't the same Angel who once feuded with New Jack, although this one ain't much prettier):

"Yo, I'm Angel and I'm tough, 
I come to GLOW to show my stuff, 
I'm a biker who hands out pain, 
I'll beat you bloody with my chain!"

SKIT features Angel waiting tables at a restaurant. A customer says he found a roach in his salad. Angel's response: "So? How much can a little cockroach eat?" HA HA HA! Oh ho ho ho ho! AH HA HA! Ahem. (By the way, that laughter isn't just me being a dick:  GLOW inserted the canned laugh track after all jokes. There were machine-generated laughter noises after all of these zingers.)

TWO MORE SKITS involve one-liners about forgery and hepatitis.

YET ANOTHER SKIT has Matilda the Hun sitting at a bar with another girl, who says "Tina Ferrari's got a lot of muscles." Matilda replies "Yeah - too bad they're all in her head!" ("HAHAHAHAHAHA!")

SKITS GALORE as Russian femme KGB is on the phone with someone, insisting that America is crazy about some new plumbing device, called the SUPER BOWL. (Get it? Like a toilet!)

SHOW US YOUR SKITS, California Doll: it's time for the resident dumb blonde of GLOW's "Points to Ponder" segment. She's wearing a blue graduate's cap with a yellow smiley face on top. And she's dropping knowledge: "If Matilda the Hun ate nothing but lemon, she'd be a SOUR KRAUT! (Canned laughter) Doll's Definition: propaganda - a well-behaved goose! (Canned laughter) If Jonathan Winters married Suzanne Somers in the FALL and then divorced her in the SPRING, he'd be a man for all seasons! (Canned laughter) Hee hee hee! Doo-doo-doo."

SKITS AND GIGGLES time for Ivory, but wait: this one is SERIOUS. It's Tina Ferrari's "Tips from Tina." This one's goin' out to all the ladies in the house: "Hi gals! Tina Ferrari here, with another tip on how to get the man you want. Instead of going on the usual date, why not go for a hike in the woods? Ya know, there's nothing better than the great outdoors. And you never know what could happen when you answer the 'call of the wild.' So go on, ladies. Have fun! And let nature take its course." (Tips from Denny: tight leather pants are an excellent idea, too. And if you're a bit long in the tooth, bring some alcohol along for the hike to make things a little easier.)

I HATE SKITS and the Salt-N-Pepa-esque tag team of Soul Patrol hate ME, so they perform another installment of the Soul Patrol "Hip Dictionary." Off-screen voice: "All right, Soul Patrol: can you make a sentence using the word 'ammo'?" They talk it over, and Adore answers: "Yeah - ammo kick yo butt!" (Canned laughter as they high five each other)

SOUL PATROL (ENVY & ADORE) vs. DEBBIE DEBUTANTE (a gymnast) & AMERICANA (a patriot). But first, MORE CRAPTACULAR SYNTHESIZERS:

SOUL PATROL RAP:

"We're the Soul Patrol, we're back again 
To let you know this ain't the end, 
I'm Envy (and I'm Adore), 
We're the ones who will settle the score!"

Soul Patrol wrestles in purple lacy lingerie, because they're from the streets, yo. Debbie & Americana start quick with tandem dropkicks, monkey flips and hip tosses. Soul Patrol comes back as Envy stomps Americana while Adore tosses Debbie from the ring. Americana irish whips Envy but Adore trips her up on the follow-through. Debbie mounts the top rope behind Envy and leaps crotch-first onto Envy's shoulders. What the hell do you call that? A super vertical inverted banzai drop? A flying koochie-press? The chastity buster? Whatever. It didn't look nearly as cool as it sounds. Debbie tosses Envy to the outside while Americana flips Adore to the mat. Adore recovers and sends Americana to the ropes. Body slam off the rebound. Adore straddles and chokes Americana, then tosses her out of the ring. Debbie does a cartwheel and stomps on Envy. Debbie's not done showing off yet, so she does a backflip that knocks Adore over by accident. Debbie grabs Adore in a headlock, Envy in a headscissors, and takes both over. Debbie does another cartwheel and gets tripped up by Adore. Envy chokes Debbie in the corner while Adore plants knees to the midsection. Out of nowhere, Envy produces a pair of nunchucks and chokes Debbie with them. Debbie escapes and tags Americana. Envy tries to dive over the top rope and ends up clotheslining herself on the damn rope and falling clumsily out of the ring. Adore catches an Americana-canrana. Adore no- sells and stomps Americana. Adore charges and misses, and this match is officially a train wreck. Envy and Americana have a punching contest. Soul Patrol each get their girl in a headlock, and both girls escape. Debbie is in the corner trying to keep Adore the hell off her. Piledriver for Debbie, and Soul Patrol stomps a mudhole. Americana saves Debbie by monkey-flipping both girls. She gives Adore a fireman's carry slam on top of Envy and pins them both. WINNERS: Americana & Debbie Debutante.

TINA FERRARI, TARA the SOUTHERN BELLE & LITTLE EGYPT vs. THE HEAVY METAL SISTERS (SPIKE & CHAINSAW) & DEMENTIA.

Dementia is pushed to the ring in a cage, wearing a hockey goalie mask a la Jason and holding a toy doll and a bloody axe. Tina Ferrari mocks Dementia and swings her purple boa in her face, just to be a bitch. AWW SHIT, IT'S TIME FOR THE SYNTHESIZERS.

CHAINSAW RAP:

"A morbid ending to your life, 
More disdainful than a knife, 
Fans sit wide-eyed and so in awe, 
As I dismember you with my chainsaw." 
(And all the girls dancing in the background go "Woo!" Sickos.)

SPIKE RAP:

"Don't come too close, I don't behave 
I'll throw your body into an open grave, 
For mercy you will beg and plead, 
But I won't stop until you bleed."

DEMENTIA RAP (performed by other GLOW girls while she blows bubbles):

"She's Dementia and she's really wild, 
A maniac with the mind of a child, 
There's nothing she's afraid to do, 
She'll stomp her opponents right in two!"

Tina starts the match with a leg sweep into an inverted figure four on Spike. Chainsaw saves, whips Tina to the ropes, to the turnbuckle, and finally clotheslines her. Dementia pulls Little Egypt out of the ring and chokes her. Tara tries pulling her off and gets attacked. Little Egypt hiptosses Dementia on the outside. And again. Little Egypt sits Dementia down on the apron, and Dementia looks content to sit there for a minute and think about what she's done. In the ring, Tina's getting mauled by Spike and Chainsaw. Leglock and arm wrench double-team on Tina. Tina escapes and tags Tara. Double noggin-knocker. Outside, Dementia is bashing her doll's head into the concrete. Chainsaw walks over and smacks her upside the head, and I laugh.

Dementia remembers there's a match going on, gets in the ring and stomps on Tara (careful, or she'll stomp you "right in two!"). Dementia busts out the AIRPLANE SPIN into a fireman's carry slam on Tara. Tara seeks refuge in the heel's corner - d'oh! Spike enters, reaches for Tara's arm, and woops! Grabs her right breast by accident. The look on Tara's face says it all. There's that armdrag Spike was looking for, and it's a triple team, as Dementia grabs Tara's leg, Spike stomps her, and Chainsaw gets face to face and whispers sweet nothings to Tara while applying the dreaded claw hold. The audience is laughing out loud, and it ain't no laugh track this time.

Little Egypt remembers how hot she is, and rejoins the show with a leg lace on Dementia. Tara manages a headscissors on Chainsaw, while Tina gets Spike in some kind of leg lock. Ivory was all about the legs back then. Little Egypt sets Dementia on the bottom rope. Dementia sits there like a rag doll. Spike escapes the leg lock, whips Tina to the corner and follows in with the knee. Spike charges at Tina and kicks her in the crotch. Dementia joins Spike in kneeing Tina in the corner. Dementia chokes Tina. Tina kicks Dementia away and tosses her to the outside. Little Egypt threatens Dementia with her own axe on the floor. In the ring, Spike shoves Tina to the mat while Chainsaw hangs Tara upside down on the ropes for no apparent reason whatsoever. Spike smashes Tina's face into the mat. Spike grabs her blowtorch, Chainsaw grabs her, uh, chainsaw, and they both go "Woo!" in celebration of their weapons. Then, they set the weapons down and return to the match. Well, that was pointless.

Outside, Dementia locks Tara in her cage. The Heavy Metal Sisters have Little Egypt and Tina Ferrari lying on the edge of the apron, side by side. The Sisters tie both women by their feet to the top rope, so their legs are up in the air and they can't get free. David McLane, you rascal! So yeah, Tina and Little Egypt have some very shapely legs, and this particular camera angle lets us explore that fact in greater-than-usual depth. By now, the match is pretty much a "no contest."

Dementia amuses herself by chopping her doll in the face with an axe. A graphic of Miles Headlock appears in front of the axe so we can't see it happen, but afterwards, Dementia walks around with the axe with the doll's face stuck in it, in plain view of the TV audience. Interesting censorship choice. The referee calls for the bell, and Tina Ferrari and Little Egypt lie helpless on the apron with their legs in the air until hotel security shows up to free the babyfaces and arrest the heels. David McLane yells at Aunt Kitty for somehow causing all of this carnage.

We're almost to the end, except for MORE DAMN SKITS.

AMY THE FARMER'S DAUGHTER (not even SLIGHTLY as hot as Becky TFD from WOW, I might add) writes a letter home: "Dear Sally, you were right! Las Vegas is full of interesting people. Why, just last night there was this woman in the casino who must have been a news reporter. I heard her tell a friend she just got a hot flash! Make sure you kiss Maw and Paw for me. Love, Amy."

MOUNT FIJI and TARA are shown flipping through the latest issue of GLOW Magazine, featuring Tara's Tidbits.

Here's an ad for 1-900-660-GALS - kids, get your parent's permission!

The credits roll over THE LAST BATCH OF SKITS: Tina Ferrari asks Americana (as they do their hair in a glamour mirror) "Do you think Dementia's mask is for safety purposes?" "Yeah - it prevents the audience from getting sick!" (Canned laughter)

Soul Patrol, Adore asks Envy: "You know what Mount Fiji's favorite food is?" "Yeah, girl - seconds!" (Canned laughter)

Mount Fiji to Little Fiji: "That Attache is so sneaky!" "Oh I know. She can go in the revolving door behind you and come out in front of you!" (Canned laughter)

And we close with Aunt Kitty and Hollywood knocking on David McLane's hotel room door. He answers, "Oh, Aunt Kitty, what do you want now?" She offers him some of the pie she's holding. "Have a taste, David. It's full of Hollywood's dreams!" McLane dips his finger in, and doesn't like what he tastes. "That's why it's HALF-BAKED!" Aunt Kitty shoves the pie into McLane's face, and we're outta here.

[GLOW fans: The Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling are still going strong in 2002, under the ownership of the original "Farmer's Daughter," Babe. You can visit them on the web at www.glowgirls.tv.]

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