OO Column: Crashing the Boards (Pro Wrestling News, Analysis, and Commentary... WWE, WWF, WCW, ECW, The Rock, Brock Lesnar, Triple H, Rob Van Dam, Hulk Hogan, Undertaker, Trish Stratus, Lita, Stacy Keibler, Divas, RAW, SmackDown, WrestleMania

CRASHING THE BOARDS
When Personification Goes Too Far
July 21, 2003

by YOU, The OO Readers
Compiled by Jeb Lund from the OO Message Boards

[Editor's Note: The fun thing about message boards is that they bring you quick public feedback for your ideas. The less-fun thing about them is that said feedback often takes the form of two sentences, with nary an idea between them, both crafted by what one can only guess was a seventh grader typing with his penis. Thus, after a while, substantive debate becomes like the Fountain of Youth: a great thing, hard to find, wearisome to search for. And then, just when you've become thoroughly weary, someone decides to start looking at the WWE through the guise of its inanimate objects. This thread went on and on, and as soon as I thought it was dead, someone brought up yet another inanimate object and explained its place in the WWE. Most of this is bordering on lunacy, but it made me laugh several times. In order to make it more "readable," I've formatted it as a kind of play. I've also omitted some posts and re-ordered others so as to make the flow of conversation run more smoothly. — ed.]

b—f—g—: You know it's coming.... It's been hinted at for weeks now. Sooner or later, somebody is going to destroy the Jeritron 5000 in a fit of rage. Each and every week we are reminded about how good it is, how very expensive the Jeritron 5000 is, how obscenely expensive the Jeritron 5000 is: the thing is so damn good it's went from the Jeritron 2000 to 5000 in mere weeks! Seriously, not since Brock as The Next Big Thing has the WWE built up to something so well as the eventual breaking of the Jeritron 5000.
Drunknow: I'd be fine with anyone breaking it as long as it returned as the Very Expensive Jeritron 5004.
Denethor: Do you think they can put the belt on the Jeritron 5000?
cpdevine1: No way they can put the belt on the Jeritron 5000. It's being held down by the Titantron. Even though the Jeritron is a better worker.
angstboy: It doesn't matter. The Jeritron is over with the fans. The Titantron may have been around longer, but the fans know where the real talent lies. Eventually the Jeritron will overshadow the accomplishments of Titantron, and the Fed will have no choice but to give Jeritron the props it deserves. Besides, belts are just props... right?
Jeb Tennyson Lund: If they do bring out the Jeritron 5004, it needs to come with the following features:
• Digital Armbar.
• Ambar-in-Armbar on-screen display.
• Armbar surround sound.
• Up to 25 programmable armbar favorites.
• 4-Letter armbar channel-naming.
• Armbar tint control.
• Vertical armbar hold.
Krydor: The Jeriton 5000 has been burying the Spanish Announce Table for far too long. It's getting pushed too far, too fast. This will come to a head when the Jeritron gets smashed on the Spanish Announce Table, and the table refuses to job. WrestleMania 20, it's going to happen.
Reeks Of Awesomeness: The problem I have is that all I hear is the Jeritron is using it's backstage clout to get far more mentions than the Titantron does nowadays. I mean, the Jeritron gets at least one mention by Jericho a week, and does anyone even call the Titantron by name anymore? No, they just call it a screen. This is just another example of a worker who's used his political position to keep itself on top.
angstboy: Talk about your Titantrons our your Spanish Announce Tables all you want. At least they get some air time. When was the last time Clangy Poles got a rub from anyone? Clangy Poles used to get involved in nearly every backstage brawl there was; now you hardly ever see them. Another Jeritron conspiracy victim, if you ask me.
OO Kyle: Clangy Polls couldn't carry Fake Fire Extinguisher's JOCK.
OOMike: You all know to bow before the power that is Stacked Empty Cardboard Boxes!
whyme: How can the Jeritron be more over then THE TABLES? Come on, the one thing Jeritron can not hold down is the tables. They are chanted at every event!
Krydor: When was the last time Table was involved in a match? Tablemania is dead. Get over it.
BoerboelLVR: I also really mark out for Potted Plant and Pool Cue. Although those guys really only did one-time cameo appearances and were brought in to get a cheap pop out of the crowd. They didn't do anything to increase the ratings. But man, Potted Plant can work his ass off.
OOMike: Tables are good for in ring work, but they are stuck in the tag team division. Just look backstage, nothing beats the Table Loaded with Coffee Cups.
angstboy: Well, I for one am glad that Stop Sign hasn't been re-signed. That guy was irresponsible and careless. Sure he was good for a few highstops here and there, but being a stop-machine doesn't make you a good worker. He completely no-sold all of his moves. If you think about it, the stuff he would do should have been hurting him as much as, if not more than, his opponents. Cookie Sheet really knows how to sell offense correctly. He's banged up by the end of a match and makes it totally believable. He never needed to rely on stop-fests like Sign did. Good riddance to Stop Sign. Hope you saved your money.
OOMike: We are forgetting one thing, who got screwed by Raven's release? The Shopping Cart.
OO Kyle: At least Shopping Cart had a career alternative to fall back on. What the hell is Diminuitive Frankenstein Doll supposed do to support his family?
Krydor: The Shopping Cart? An honest and true IWC smark would be all over the removal of the hardcore division, as that totally removed the Cookie Sheet from the mainstream. The Cookie Sheet is the Benoit of inanimate objects.
BoerboelLVR: Hey, whatever happened to Singapore Kane? I know he was teamed up with Tommy Dreamer for a while, but I haven't seen him lately. Did Singapore Kane get released with Raven and D'Lo?
angstboy: Right now I'm pretty sure Singapore Kane is doing a stint in Japan. He was recently unmasked and they ran an angle where he lit Headset on fire. Before that, he was in the Indies for a while using the name Kendo Stick.
BoerboelLVR: That's too bad. What the WWE needs right now is more Singapore Kane.
The Mc: Hey, whatever happened to Packing Peanuts? He was brought in when Funk/Foley had their feud with the New Age Outlaws, but kind of disappered afterwards.
angstboy: I'd like to take a moment and remind everyone that a lot of these problems are due directly to the influence of backstage, behind-the-scenes guys like Contract and Cell Phone. These guys don't do a lot of the athletic stuff like Jeritron, Cookie Sheet or the yet to be mentioned Two-by-Four, but they are the ones in the back with ultimate control. I think we get too swept up in Titantron's longevity, or Table's air time to realise that guys like Contract, Cell Phone and Fake-Leather Couch are the ones making this business work. In fact, I'm pretty sure when Chain-Link Fence started booking over in WCW it directly resulted in guys like Cookie Sheet, Cup of Coffee and Moppy to jump ship to WWE. You can't underestimate the backstage group.
Lorraine: At least Jeriton 5000 doesn't demand to be featured in every segment like Folding Chair.
angstboy: Folding Chair is over, though. Gotta give the fans what they want. He really started getting noticed after he changed his name to Steel Chair and started refering to himself in the 3rd person.
Lorraine: Steel Chair stole Steel Ring Post's gimmick. All the other inanimate divas are pissed that Exposed Ring Post is giving away on free TV what they hoped Playboy would have paid for.
angstboy: Well, divas Turnbuckle and Arena Floor could get in on the act too if they're tired of Exposed Ring Post getting all the attention. I won't complain.
Reeks Of Awesomeness: What about the Pole? It was used a lot back in the day with the "Pink slip on a pole" match, and the "Singapore Kane on a Pole match," yet lately, it hasn't been heard from. This is another case where backstage clout, this time in the form of the Ladder, is holding the Pole down. Ladder matches (which have a similar method needed to win the match) have happened frequently, while the Pole has been languishing in the back. Unbelievable.
eViL: I'm just happy that Blue Square Cage passed the torch to Chain-Link-Fence Cage. That's a case where a veteran knew it was time to hang it up.
BoerboelLVR: Didn't Turnbuckle get exposed in the Test v. Kevin Nash match last week? I think Turnbuckle may be a satelite member of the Clique. If so, don't worry about Turnbuckle too much. I'm sure Turnbuckle will be exposed again sometime soon, and the crowd will pop like they always do.
ModSquad004: You know who hasn't been around for a long time is Fireball. But Kane and Mick Foley unmasked him to be Flash Paper, so I don't think he could ever get over again.
Krydor: Regarding Styrofoam Packing Peanuts: Ever since he broke up with Dumpster, he really hasn't been the same. He's big in Japan, and tours he indy circut, but he'll never regain his top status. Luckily, we have Thick Foam Mat, which tags with 14 Foot Entryway and can generally be seen under Table. It's a step down for Table, but he really gives that heel rub to Thick Foam Mat. Table just doesn't have the moves he used to. Most of his work is as part of a team, anyway. The one to watch, really, is HHH's Bottle of Evian. Even HHH's hair jobs to Bottle of Evian. People might say "watch that ladder." However, it should be obvious that Ladder really only has 3 moves as a singles competitor. His best work has been with Table and Steel Chair, with those two carrying Ladder.
Blown Spot: Bottle of Evian is rumored to be the fourth member of Evolution. It's one of the few Triple H will put over. It's also done extensive work with the Rock. There's also a rumored feud brewing between it and the returning Steveweisers. [This is all according to "workers backstage" and "certain WWE staff who have said..." — ed.]
Lorraine: I remember when Aquafina was trying to steal Evian's spot. Aquafina is so not Clique.
Fishbulb Suplex: I believe Styrofoam Packing Peanuts had a try-out late last year during the Brock Lesnar/Undertaker feud in which Lesnar F-5'd 'Taker onto them. I guess McMahon wasn't impressed. Maybe they work too much of a lucha style. Fireball has recently resurfaced in NWA: TNA at the hands of Jim "Sinister Minister/James Vandenburg" Mitchell. Personally, I think TNA should be relying on it's homegrown, younger talent than continuing to bring in these older stars way past their prime as "surprises."
Krydor: Where's Stop Sign?
angstboy: As I said before, forget Stop Sign. Hopefully he's out standing on a street corner somewhere holding up traffic. That guy belongs nowhere near a wrestling ring.
Krydor: After all Stop Sign has done for the business, this is the thanks he gets! At some point, I expect you'll turn on Contract Signing Desk (and to a lesser extent, Contract Signing Pen) when you grow bored of them. Stop Sign is a legend, and has worked with Mick Foley a number of times. Just because he's been booked badly, it's no reason to demean the performer.
angstboy: Look, I don't care about his legacy, Stop Sign is dangerous, and he's a bad worker. If he is working the Indies, I sure hope he doesn't really end up hurting someone. He's the Ahmed Johnson of inanimate objects.
Lorraine: Coffee Cup, The McMahon-Helmsley Fruit Plate, and Debra's Cookies need to start a feud with J.R's BBQ Sauce. Slobberknocker!
OO Kyle: Damn, that McMahon-Helmsley Fruit Plate bumped like a MADMAN. Sadly, it put it's own health at risk, and the health of a lot of young, upcoming inanimate objects that felt compelled to imitate it's death-defying stunts.
Reeks Of Awesomeness: I was always a fan of Bag of Popcorn. The problem was that he's was a one-trick pony on offense and he never looked too intimidating. The WWE doesn't want to push the smaller competitors, so the Bag of Popcorn went the way of Crash Holly, and Jeff Hardy....
MrJustinB: Fruit plate is sorely missed. I remember, within one week's time, Fruit plate sold for HHH and Steph, and never once complained. Fruity bastard.
Reeks Of Awesomeness: What happened to Thumbtacks? They have always been hard workers and have sold well for the likes of Mick Foley, but since Foley left, the Thumbtacks haven't been heard from. Rumors are flying that the Thumbtacks refuse to sell for anyone else, and they don't like the creative direction the current WWE is taking. Only time will tell if the WWE can patch things up with the tacks....
Lorraine: The Thumbtacks tried to start a union, so Vince scattered them.
The Mc: Poor Brass Knuckles has been sidelined ever since his tag partner William Regal got SARS or whatever weird disease in India. His Mike Tyson-esque offense was great, but he sold worse than STOP sign.
cpdevine1: I want to know what ever happened to Trash Can and Trash Can Lid. They did great work — sometimes even being used to bring other workers, like broom, to the ring. Trash Can Lid always took a beating I remember, one shot and he was folded in half. Oh wait, I see Trash Can Lid just worked tonight on Smackdown! Good to see him back. On another note, I like the look of this up-and-comer Wooden Leg.

This Month's/Fiscal Quarter's Stats:
My New Heroes: Lorraine, angstboy, Reeks of Awesomeness.
Most Encouraging News: Clean boards.
Most Discouraging News: Not enough people taking advantage of the clean boards.
Something Weird: Why do people register a name on a message board and then never post there? I understand registering your proper name, if you are a columnist, just to make sure that no one else uses it. But why register "alfyg6t48thput" and then never write a thing? It's as if these people are convinced that there are 14 secret and amazing forums that only registered users can see. And, really, how cool could those forums be? What would they be about? There are already 20 some-odd forums on the boards as it is. Good God, people. Unless you're going to say something, spare us the 2k of memory and don't register.
Person Who's Name Sort-of Appeared in Crashing the Boards: b—f—g.
Poster of the Week/Month/Fiscal Quarter: angstboy, who labored to make sense out of the whole discussion above, and who did so with considerable humor.

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