by Johnny Diavalo
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Happy?  Yeah.

Not that any of the new losers are worth being introduced to.  What do we got?  A guy who does fantasy booking?  A guy who has nothing better to do than read other websites to make fun of what people are writing?  A guy who things that just because he's a [mocking tone of voice] professional writer [end mocking tone] and can type a million words a minute that he deserves to have a column?  Gimme a fuckin' break.

And I'm still tryin' to figure out if Scaia's gonna ax me first because I'm pickin' fights with his boys, or because he'll get pissed when he only gets a column every three weeks outta me.

What the fuck's the deal with the WWF saying it's gonna split in January, but not use the WCW name?  What the fuck did they pay for earlier this year?  What are we gonna get stuck with?  WWF Original Recipe vs. WWF Extra Crispy?  New WWF vs. Classic WWF?  Who cares?

It's so fuckin' meaningless.  If I was doin' it, I'd draft Torrie, Trish, Stacey, Terri, Lita, Ivory, Molly, and the rest of them first.  Then do a partnership with Vivid Video or something.  The main event of my wrestling show would probably end up being Chuck Palumbo against Tiger Ali Singh, but I'd be making millions off the porn, and nobody would be able to confuse me for one second with the other WWF.  I'd actually have a different company that people cared about.

Hey, do you think Vince always keeps his ass shaved and a pair of them stylish black tighties, or was that just special for the kiss his ass club?

Hey, do you think Vince likes other men on their knees while he's half naked, or was that just special for the kiss his ass club?  

Or was Pat Patterson living out his fantasies through Vince?

So Billy Silverman's a pussy for quitting a great job cuz he got picked on.  So Bradshaw's a asshole for doing these ribs on new guys.  What the fuck do you people care for?  You're not living on the road with those people.  It's not for you to say who's right and who's wrong.

I hope Chris Jericho enjoys keeping the title warm.  He's just not in the same league as Austin, the Rock, and Triple H.  Guarantee he loses the title before too long.

You know what I liked on that last pay-per-view?  Rob Van Dam and the Undertaker.  Honest, I got nothin' against Jericho, but RVD is a guy who should be main eventing real soon.  He got a good ECW-style match out of the Undertaker, for Christ's sake.  Now that's what I'm talkin' about.

You know what I hated about that last pay-per-view?  Albert and Scotty 2 Hotty vs. Test and Christian.  I mean, what the fuck's the deal with Albert and Scotty?  I know people joke about the Hardys acting all homo and shit, but their act looks like it's one step away from a new version of the Village People.  

I feel bad for Albert.  His old partner Test gets immunity and tons of TV time, and he's gotta dance around looking like a gay biker.

God, I wish Paul Heyman was back.  Lawler is just obnoxious.  When did old men drooling over women thirty years younger than them start passin' for comedy?  At least when Vince does it, he really is a billionaire.  The ladies will go for the green.  Lawler ain't no king, though, which kind of limits his chances with the twenty-something girls.

Whoever the hell decided to put music videos on every WWF show should be bound, gagged, and throw into Lake Michigan.  I wish I could be happy that those fuckin' pussies from Creed are gone, except that now I gotta deal with U2.  And not even new U2, but U2 from six months ago.  Plus, it's not like they even been any good since like '88.

If I wanted to see shitty, out of date videos, I'd watch VH-1.

E-MAIL JOHNNY D.
BROWSE THE DEVIL'S DUE ARCHIVES

Chicago-area club owner Johnny Diavalo counts pro wrestling among his vices.  Periodically, he'll ramble into a tape recorder when he's struck by a few presumably clever things to say about the sport.  Thanks to his personal assistant, Miss Mancini, for transcribing those thoughts and mailing them to me roughly once a week.

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