by Johnny Diavalo
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

No?

Well, at least you're honest.  It's not my fault that it's been 2 fuckin' months since there was somethin' on my TV that was interesting enough to talk about, but now that the spirit has moved me, you people are my captive audience.

You see, I was sittin' here on Monday night, and I realized a very simple thing:  Brock Lesnar is gonna be a world champion.  Eddie Guerrero is not.  And another simple thing came to me after that:  you bitchy internet types can't stand to hear it laid out that plain.

The people who have countdowns runnin' to the day when Chris Benoit makes his ever lovin' comeback and the people who actually think Jeff Hardy is ever gonna amount to anything other than a ladder-jumping sideshow will hate hearing me say that another one of their heroes is destined for the Nowheresville.

But it's true.  And here's why.

Lesnar is 6'4" and 275 pounds, or somethin' like that.  Guerrero is 5'10" and maybe 210.  Which one of those two guys do you believe is actually good at kickin' ass?

Just look at Monday, cuz Lesnar runs in and gets a big, sustained pop for his run-in.  Then, course, it turns to boos when Heyman raises his hand and poses, but that's another story.  But earlier in the show, Guerrero did almost the exact same thing.  He did a run-in and hit his big move.  

Guess what?  Lesnar's thing had 15,000 people on their feet, and all Guerrero's had was a couple thousand internet morons shortin' out their keyboards or moistening their jockeys after a spontaneous ejaculation.

Look, I ain't saying that Guerrero comin' back is bad, or anything, I'm just saying it's time to be honest.  Him and RVD will have good matches and all, but even if Guerrero wins the Intercontinental Title, it's not gonna put him in the main event.  Not even close.  And that goes for just about everybody else under 6 foot, too.

For some reason, a bunch of people got the idea in their heads that Vince has changed, and doesn't care about pushin' guys just cuz they're big.  They point to Kurt Angle, and see an average size guy with a big push, and fail to realize that Angle is a once a generation type performer (like Bret Hart was) who has enough credibility to offset his size.  They point to the Big Show, a giant who is barely makin' the mid card, and fail to realize that he's such a worthless sack of shit that not even Vince can bring himself to push the guy.

So those people are morons.  Sure, you gotta be a bit more talented, now, but it's pretty obvious that Vince will still push a halfway decent big man over a internet worshipped little man.  Otherwise, how do you fuckin' explain Test?  

Hell, even the guys who seen as average sized in the ring, like Austin or Edge, are at least 6'2".  If you look small compared to the average guys, and then you look ridiculous next to the big guys, seriously, what are the chances you're gonna be seeing a PPV title shot against Triple H any time soon?

I hope you Benoit fans are listenin' up, too, cuz this applies to you.  I don't care how much they say they think of Benoit as a future champion, the WWF is still a big man's game.  Remember, this is the same company that spent the past nine months promisin' to push the cruiserweight division.  Still waitin' on that, aren't you, suckers?

Now, I consider myself a Benoit fan, just not as fucked in the head as the types who actually vote for him as best wrestler of the year and shit like that.  I like his matches, but like I said, I'm realistic:  he's small and can't do a good interview.  Even if he comes back and gets to beat everybody up (and gets to have Heyman do his talkin') like Lesnar, it's not gonna work the same way with fans.  And the WWF won't let him come back and do that because he's not 6'4" and ripped.

If Benoit's gonna make it, it's gonna be cuz he's real and credible in the same way that Hart or Angle is credible, and fuck if I know how you can get the idiots in the crowd to believe that.

And in the meantime, Brock Lesnar can just keep runnin' in and beatin' people up with the same 5 moves, and it won't matter that a few of you are pissed.  Cuz arenas full of fans will be lovin' it, and that's what matters.  

Hey, want another example of style over substance?  How about if I said Ric Flair oughta keep his goddamned shirt on, at least when wrestling Vince McMahon?  I mean, Jesus, I know gravity takes its toll on a 55 year old body, but if Flair's in there against another 55 year old guy who is immune to gravity?  Hell, it's tough to think of Flair as the favorite when Vince looks about a thousand times more convincing as a wrestler.

Now, if it's against Undertaker or whatever, then fine.  Flair's the old, washed up guy fightin' the good fight against a real wrestler, and if he looks like he's 55, it's OK.  But against Vince, Flair shouldn't look so overmatched.  Hey Vince, is it genetics or chemistry?  That's what I want to know.

Alright, I'm outta here.  I hope you kids enjoy your fuckin' Scorpion King movie and the return of Hulkamania.  I'll just be over here vomiting in a corner for about a month until they both go away and somethin' else interesting to talk about comes along.

E-MAIL JOHNNY D.
BROWSE THE DEVIL'S DUE ARCHIVES

Chicago-area club owner Johnny Diavalo counts pro wrestling among his vices.  Periodically, he'll ramble into a tape recorder when he's struck by a few presumably clever things to say about the sport.  Thanks to his personal assistant, Miss Mancini, for transcribing those thoughts roughly once a week.

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